ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 19
Happy Tuesday, Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just comment here!
Anonymous asks:
Is there enough of a difference between the flavours of seafluffies and regular fluffies to make it worth while doing a “Surf’n’Turf” using the two? Should I include anchovies in the seafluffies diet to accent any difference?
This is a great question, anonymous. By way of background (because a lot of people don’t know this), seafluffies are a different species from fluffies, created by HasBio as an aquatic pet, to be raised in large tanks or specially maintained pools. They are mammals, and like fluffies, they can talk. We don’t know much about them beyond that, due to the strict intellectual property laws of the WUSA. Like the fluffy, the seafluffy is an aggressively invasive species, and the Federal Government encourages fishing them without limits in order to preserve seafood habitats that would otherwise be wiped out.
As with fluffies, the flavor of sea fluffy depends on what it eats. Wild sea fluffies have a fishier flavor, likely due to their diet, and are low in fat and high in omega-3 fatty acids. Domesticated sea fluffies taste more like domesticated fluffy meat, and are higher in fat and saturated fat. You could feed anchovies to fluffies or sea fluffies and achieve the same result, a fisher, oilier meat. Be careful about doing this. Fluffies and sea fluffies do not normally eat processed fish, and eating either one is likely to produce the same kind of gastric distress that gives feral fluffies the nickname of “shitrat.”
Classic surf-and-turf is land mammal protein with aquatic animal protein, and historically aquatic animal protein han’t been mammalian in the Western diet. But you could try an interesting variation on surf-and-turf by serving a lean portion of seafluffy steak with a portion of non-endangered seafood such as cod, Alaskan crab, salmon, shrimp, sole, or tilapia.
Another anonymous contributor asks:
I have heard that prepared fluffies beaten with a meat tenderizing hammer and then cooked alive have an absolutely delicious texture and taste. I’ve also been told that skinned and cleaned foals wrapped in heavy dough and beaten to just the threshold of death are ambrosia of the gods to some. Is this true and are there any good recipes for mercilessly beaten fluffy?
For the most part, anon, what you’re asking for is anatomically impossible. Beating a fluffy to within an inch of its life puts a lot of stress on its system. Skinning and cleaning a fluffy puts just as much additional stress on their system, and after being beaten nearly to death, would likely kill it before you could cook it alive.
However, there is a recipe out of New York City that might fit the bill. Back in the 2040s, Il Club Fluffy, the most famous, exclusive and sadistic of the fluffy-themed Manhattan eateries, was still in its heyday, they served a five-course meal called gambe del cavallino piangente. For this meal experience, the diners, traditionally in a party of eight to twelve, would select a fluffy that was pre-screened for its love of running. The diners would then meet the fluffy, and talk to it about how much it loved running. Then a sous chef would hold the fluffy down on the ground while each of the diners used a club to inflict severe blows to one of the legs, so that by the time they were done, all four legs would be pulverized. The screams and cries and pleas of the fluffy to “nu huwt weggies!” provided great laughter and joy to the diners.
After this, the sous chef, carrying the (now-voided and plugged) fluffy, would lead the diners to the dining area, where they would sit on one side of a long table, facing a cooking station and a pedestal. While the fluffy begged and the diners watched and dined on antipasto, the sous chef would use a glowing hot cleaver to chop off each of the fluffy’s legs. The now-pillowed fluffy would then be placed on the pedestal, facing the cooking station and the diners, and would watch, and continue to cry and scream and plead and ask “wy take weggies?” as the sous chef skinned, meticulously deboned, and cooked the leggies for the guests. As the chef did this, the diners would be served a primo of either spaghetti or bean-and-foal soup. This would of course be announced to the entire room, and the mention of denied sketties and foals-as-soup would cause the fluffy further sadness and heartache, which would only deepen as the fluffy watched the diners eat their sketties and their babbeh soup.
Once the leggies were ready, the sous chef would deliver a thirty second long address about how much the fluffy enjoyed running with its leggies, and how now the diners would enjoy eating those very same leggies, in a very loud voice, loud enough to drown out the cries and protests of the new pillowfluff. The diners would eat them as the secondo, laughing at the fluffy as the fluffy watched, wept, and called them meanies. The diners would finish the meal with a contorno-of-the-day, and finish with a dolce, usually espresso paired with candied chirpie, chocolate mousse, or their famous gelato de lacrime (basically, fluffy-tears ice cream).
It should be noted that the newly pillowed fluffy remained alive, in pain, and watching, the entire meal. Part of the dining experience was watching and being indifferent to the suffering of the fluffy. The fluffy would not be slaughtered until after the meal, by which time it was so miserable and horrified that it often begged to be dead.
You can enjoy some of this same taste at home, just by using distressed leg meat:
ITALIAN BREADED LEGGIES
INGREDIENTS
4 distressed leggies, skinned and boned, pounded ¼-inch thick
½ cup flour
3 eggs, beaten
2 tbsp. milk (cow or fluffy)
1 cup bread crumbs (unseasoned)
¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese
2 tsp. chopped fresh herbs, such as sage, rosemary or thyme
2 tbsp. olive oil
2 tbsp. butter
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste
PREPARATION
Prepare a breading station by arranging 3 shallow bowls or pie plates with the following: Flour in the first, beaten eggs and milk combined together in the second, and bread crumbs, herbs and Parmesan cheese in the third.
Season the leggies with salt and pepper. Dredge leggies first in flour then egg mixture and lastly, the bread crumb mixture.
Heat a large skillet with the butter and oil over medium heat and brown leggies on each side, about 3 to 5 minutes per side.
Suggested pairings: sauteed tomatoes, grilled fruit
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.