This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Friday September 13, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on September 13, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record.
ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 23
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! Today is September 13th, 2080, the 50th Anniversary of the passing of President Donald Trump. Americans from all over the former United States are remembering the events that led, 47 days later, to The Fracturing and the establishment of the countries we know today as the Eastern United States, the Western United States (now both part of the Reunited USA), the Confederacy, and Texas. Of course, the fluffy played a pivotal role in our coming through those years, and it’s no coincidence that today is the traditional day for families to buy the chirpies and foals that they will raise into adults to slaughter for their Thanksgiving feast.
So, before we begin with answering your questions, here’s some things to look for when you buy your Thanksgiving foals.
First, keep in mind the rule of thumb is one adult fluffy for every eight guests, and at least two foals or chirpies no matter what. You can have more fluffies if you want more leftovers. Technically, one fluffy can feed sixteen people, but for Thanksgiving, you want to be plentiful on the protein!
Second, don’t worry about color. Whether the fluff is brown or green or black or white, the meat will taste the same depending on what you feed it.
Third, don’t get price-gouged! It’s not worth it to pay more for a unicorn foal for Thanksgiving; the meat is the same. If you want to pick up a Pegasus for the wings, it’s okay to pay a little extra.
Fourth, don’t get stuck with a smarty. Smarty foals will eventually be found out and slaughtered for sausage, but that’s not what you want. What you want is a fluffy foal that you can raise to adulthood and eat as a full-sized roast. Having to raise a smarty to an adult for food is more trouble than you need.
Fifth, be on the look out for signs of a sick foal. Foals with rashes or open sores or an audible whistle to their breath, runts, and anything with an obvious congenital defect, are less likely to live to adulthood, and less likely to provide good quality meat as adults. Odds are that you would effectively pay for a dead foal.
Sixth, have a good home for them. Chirpies and unweaned foals should go in an appropriate chirpie tank with a formula nipple and at least 2cm of chirpie litter. Scoop up poop and hardened clusters of litter (where they urinated) once a day. Foals that are weaned should go in a safe room, or at the very least have their own foal tank. Each day, they should get clean water and a daily portion of kibble. (One cup of kibble for foals, two cups for fillies and colts, and two and a half cups for adults.) Be sure to only use fluffy kibble, which is made from alfalfa and oats, and not dog or cat kibble, which fluffy digestive systems can’t handle. You can add in a quarter-cup of dried fruit per day as a treat, or to help flavor the meat. Good dried fruits include cranberries, cherries, raisins, banana chips, dried pineapple and dried mango.
Seventh, give them room to play! Taking your foal for a walk twice a day, or letting it run in the park for half an hour to an hour a day, will let it get the exercise it needs to develop healthy, delicious meat!
So, I have to get to foal shopping, which I’m going to do just as soon as this column is done! But first, today’s question! RevMe asks:
I’ve heard that fluffy meat isn’t served on flights — is that true? And why?
This is a perfect question for such an historical day!
It’s true that fluffy meat used to be banned from some domestic flights. In the early 2030s, the practice of eating fluffy became less of a desperation move by starving East Americans and more of a regular, mainstreamed practice. This included making fluffy jerky and fluffy pemmican. In general, it is okay to bring dried meat such as jerky or pemmican on a flight, as long as it isn’t stored in some liquid. However WUSA authorities were concerned that fluffy jerky might provoke an allergic reaction, the way peanuts do to some individuals, and banned fluffy meat products of all kind from the passenger cabin. Other countries, except for the EUSA, followed suit. Eventually these bans were lifted in 2044-2046, after it became clear that there was no danger of allergic reaction.
Fluffy meat is not banned on flights any longer, and most flights between NAFTA countries (Canada, CSA, Reunited USA, Mexico, Texas) will offer fluffy jerky as a snack. International flights may serve fluffy meat depending on regional tastes. Generally, you won’t find fluffy meat on flights on airlines from Islamic countries (as there is disagreement in Islam as to whether fluffy meat is haram) or Western Europe (where it is still considered only suitable for desperation eating). You will find it on flights on airines from Africa (except the Islamic north), Eastern Europe, South America, Russia, and non-Islamic nations of Asia such as India, Korea, Japan and China. Flights to and from orbital colonies generally follow the customs of those stations’ nationalities.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.