This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Friday September 27, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on September 27, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record.
ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 29
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s Friday, September 27th, 2080, the 50th anniversary of the beginning of the Second Civil War in the United States. It began when, in the early hours of the morning, irregular militias set up armed blockades at multiple points along Interstate highways I-95, I-85, I-70, I-80 and I-90, along with multiple other routes. Effectively, they cut off interstate traffic to and from every city from Washington to Augusta from each other and cities to the West. Other groups took over Prudhoe Bay and cut off Juneau, Alaska, from road and ferry traffic. These groups had varying demands, but they all had one demand in common: the immediate return of Ivanka Trump to the White House. These groups had names such as the New Minutemen, the Aryan Defense League and the Sons of Trump. At first this was believed to be a far right/pro-Trump uprising. What was not known at the time, but later became clear, is that these groups were accompanied by Spetsnaz, or Russian special forces. President Paul Ryan at first tried dealing with this as a law enforcement matter, unaware that the invasion of New England and Alaska by Russian forces was only weeks away.
I was a teenager when this happened, and I remember watching these events unfold on television. Growing up during those years always meant having a sense of dread in the pit of your stomach, but even for those times, this felt out of place. I didn’t know that these events would come to affect myself and my family as well.
But, that’s for another day. Let’s move on with your questions! Mr. Boomstick asks:
Dear FluffiesAreFood, Do alicorns taste different to other types of fluffy? Also do you have any micro or seafluffy recipes? Lastly I am wondering if it is at all possible to eat a jellenhimer? I will never try out of fear for my life. Can they even die? Lastly do you have any garden-fluffy farms in the area, and do they have unique tasting fruits and vegtables? I’m wondering if it is possible to use garden-fluffy vegetables and fruits with fluffy meat? Sorry about the length but I would like to know the sub category’s in your world. With much love, (no homo), Mr. BoomStick!
So many questions, Mister Boomstick! In fact, enough questions that I’m wondering whether you’re asking me to write your report for school on your behalf! (I’m kidding, of course.) Nonetheless, this is a great opportunity to educate the public about some variations on fluffy eating. Let’s go through them one at a time.
Do alicorns taste different to other types of fluffy?
It’s natural to be curious about alicorn meat, since practically nobody would eat Alicorn. By way of background, alicorns are fluffies that express both the pegasus variation (wings) and the unicorn variation (horn). Maybe one in ten thousand foals is born an alicorn. Alicorns are treated as “munstas” by other fluffies, and particularly by their mothers, who often kill them soon after birth. For this reason, alicorns need to be taken away from their mothers as soon as they are born, and raised on formula or by a “milkbag” mother that is restrained in position. Their survival rate is not high, and one in three will survive to adulthood. Like fluffies, they are social animals and need company to thrive. Since other fluffies fear alicorns, they need the company of humans, domesticated pets such as gentle dogs, or (preferably) other alicorns. They are enormously valued as pets and can fetch prices upwards of $1000 (WUSA/CSA).
Needless to say, almost nobody has eaten alicorn. But, I am one of the few that have, as I had the opportunity to eat meat salvaged from an alicorn that died in a terrible and disfiguring accident. And … alicorn tastes just like fluffy!
Also do you have any micro or seafluffy recipes?
Sea fluffy meat is similar to fluffy meat, but less fatty and with more vitamin A and iron. Imagine leg meat, but darker and with a slightly fishy taste. Sea Fluffies are farmed in coastal areas of North America; much like fluffies, they are an inexpensive alternative to beef or pork. In the wild, sea fluffies may be fished without limit, as they are considered a highly invasive species. You can find many recipes for sea fluffy in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies. I can also recommend Archer Ashe’s Sea Fluffies For Your Health.
Microfluffies, unfortunately, are a myth, and as such, I do not have recipes for them. I have heard a theory that the microfluffies myth came from shoppers seeing talkie foals and mistaking them for adults. While I do not have microfluffy recipes, I do have recipes for both newborn chirpies and talkie foals. You can find these in later chapters of my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies.
I am wondering if it is at all possible to eat a jellenhimer? I will never try out of fear for my life.
Your fears are well-founded. Needless to say, nobody has ever eaten a jellenheimer.
Can they even die?
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Lastly do you have any garden-fluffy farms in the area, and do they have unique tasting fruits and vegtables? I’m wondering if it is possible to use garden-fluffy vegetables and fruits with fluffy meat?
Interesting that you should bring up garden fluffies! For those who don’t know, garden fluffies were a variety of fluffy Hasbio engineered to coincide with the movie My Little Pony: Adventures in the Magic Garden. They were not a new species, but instead a combination of a fluffy fed a special diet and symbiotic plants that grew in their flesh. The plants included food-bearing plants: tomatoes, pumpkins, squash, and the like. Unfortunately they needed special diets for the fluffy host to survive, and one of the many losses of 2030 was the factory that produced their special kibble. As far as anyone knows, all the garden fluffies died by New Year’s Day 2031. By that point, everyone had much bigger problems to worry about.
Enjoy the weekend everyone!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.