ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 3
Good day fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask in the comments!
It’s the holidays! And what better for a holiday feast than a whole fluffy grilled to perfection? I have just the recipe for you!
GRILLED WHOLE FLUFFY
INGREDIENTS
Marinade:
- 1 can of beer. Try not to use the cheap, watery macrobrew stuff.
- 1/2 cup teriyaki sauce
- 1/2 cup brown sugar or molasses
- 2 teaspoons seasoned salt
- 2 teaspoons black pepper
- 2 teaspoons garlic powder
Meat:
Fluffy carcass, skinned and gutted. Although not as popular in grocery stores, you can special order these from Amazon or Wal-Mart, and most butcher shops will happily sell you one freshly butchered from their reserves in the back room. Alternatively, you can use two whole fluffy sides plus two pounds of leg meat. Or you can buy a meat fluffy at FluffMart and slaughter it yourself!
Directions:
Combine marinade ingredients in a bowl, mix thoroughly. Use a fork to poke holes in the meat – every square inch should have some holes in it. Place meat flat in a baking dish. Pour marinade over meat — the entire fluffy should be covered in marinade. Let sit for twenty minutes. Remove fluffy from marinade. Put marinade in a pot, bring to a boil, and cook for at least five minutes. Grill the fluffy meat — it should be medium rare to medium for best taste. During the last few minutes of grilling, baste the fluffy meat in boiled marinade.
The traditional way to serve this is in front of the fluffy’s crying, horrified, pissed-off but legboarded-so-they-can’t-do-anything-about-it, family, which will then scream at you about what meanies you are. Early fluffherders used to do this in order to soak the meat of the family in adrenaline and lactic acid, which makes it taste less sweet and more savory. They would then slaughter the rest of the fluffies to have enough meat to feed the neighborhood. It also gave the kids a chance to harvest fluffy tears, which the kids would then enjoy later for desert. However, modern fluffherders keep their fluffies in a well-soundproofed safe room, so there should be no problem with other fluffies finding out that from this that they are food animals. Remember: the number one rule of fluffherding is that fluffies must not be aware that they are food animals.
We have only one question today, about fluffy food from a different culture altogether: Japan! It comes from guodzilla:
Dear FAF,
I have been wanting to experiment with different ethnic recipes involving fluffies, and have currently obtained one male which I have studded to three mares. My first pregnant mare is in the last stages of pregnancy, and I am excited to begin.
Anyway, on to my question:
Do you have any advice for preparing chirpy-foals tempura-style? I already know how to void the newborns with a Q-tip soaked in warm water (to mimic the mother’s tongue and stimulate bowel/bladder movement in the newborn), but beyond this, I’m not really sure about the requisite oil temperature for deep-frying the foals.
Any advice?
Chirpie (sic) Tempura, once considered just a novel way to abuse fluffies, really took off once fluffy eating hit California. Unfortunately, most factory farmed chirpies are born from mothers kept under horrific conditions, so I commend you for breeding your own!
To answer your immediate question, the best oil to use is peanut oil, heated to a temperature of 325 degrees, and to cook each chirpie for about two minutes if butterflied, four minutes if kept whole (to cook the chirpie through).
There are some other things to consider:
1). Don’t overmix the batter. When you stir in the water, mix very gently just until the dry ingredients are moistened. Don’t attempt to work out the lumps, or the batter will become heavy.
2). Be sure the water you mix in is very cold. This will make a cold batter that will remain light when fried.
3). Mix the batter just before frying. Making it ahead will produce a heavy coating.
4). Dry the chirpies and veggies well before dipping them in the batter. This will help the batter adhere.
5). Be sure the oil is the proper temperature. If it’s not hot enough, the batter will absorb oil before it cooks and the result will be greasy tempura.
With that, here’s a chirpie tempura recipie that I enjoy!
CHIRPIE TEMPURA
INGREDIENTS
- 10 green beans, trimmed
- 12 chipie foals, gutted, skinned, heads left intact. These can be gutted and skinned alive, or you can slit the throats before skinning and gutting.
- Salt and pepper
- About 6 cups peanut oil for frying
- 2 cups all-purpose flour
- 1 1/2 tablespoons baking powder
- 2 tablespoons Asian sesame oil
- 10 fresh shiitake mushrooms (about 3/4 pound), stemmed
- 1 large white onion, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch thick rings
- 2-ounce piece fresh lotus root (about 1 1/2 inches long), peeled, and cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices
DIRECTIONS
Bring medium pot water to boil over high heat. Have large bowl ice water ready. Add green beans to boiling water and blanch just until crisp-tender, about 30 seconds. Using slotted spoon, immediately transfer to ice water to stop cooking, then drain well and dry on paper towels.
If your chirpies are fresh (most factory chirpies are frozen), you will need to slit the throat to dispatch them. Using a pen knife, make a cut along the neck of each chirpie, from one ear to the other. The cut should send blood spurting out of both sides of the neck — this indicates that you’ve severed the juggular and the coratid, and thus kills the chirpie. Struggle and distress peeps are normal until the chirpie dies.
Cut each chirpie from the belly from neck to genitals, then spread open until the ribs are 180 degrees apart. Gently press chirpie flat on cutting board (to help prevent curling during cooking). Sprinkle chirpie with salt and pepper.
In large saucepan over moderate heat, heat 4 inches of oil until thermometer registers 325°F.
In large mixing bowl, whisk together flour, baking powder, and sesame oil. Gradually and gently whisk in 2 1/2 cups ice water, mixing just until dry ingredients are moistened. (Batter should be very lumpy.)
Working in batches, using tongs or chopsticks dip chirpies and vegetables into batter and fry, turning occasionally, until golden, about 1 1/2 minutes for green beans, 2 minutes for chirpies and other vegetables. Transfer to paper towels to drain. Return oil to 325°F between batches and, using slotted spoon, remove any residual bits of batter from oil before adding next batch.
Note: some cooks prefer to leave chirpie whole and alive. Whole chirpies cooked alive are edible provided that one shits them properly, using the q-tip method you mentioned. However, cooking them can be very dangerous, and is not recommended by the Fluffherders’ Association of America. The reason for this is that whole chirpies with intact skins are liable to explode from built-up steam. This has had all manner of unpleasant results, ranging from injury to nearby persons and animals, to starting oil fires that can burn down an entire house!
So, I do not recommend cooking live chirpies. However, if you do cook live chirpies, remember these practices for your safety:
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Make sure to pierce the skins with a needle before cooking. This can be done by pushing a sewing needle completey through the torso of the chirpie. This will of course cause struggle and distress peeps. Do this twice to make a total of four holes. The injuries will not be immediately fatal to the chirpie and so you can still cook it live.
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Do not cook live chirpies while other fluffies are within earshot. Pierced and cooking chirpies will let out high-pitched squeals for ten to twenty seconds or until inserted in the hot oil. This will cause great distress to other fluffies, especially if they are related to the chirpies. A mother or father may be driven to murderous rage and try to kill you, especially if they find out that the chirpies are about to be eaten. They won’t cooperate with you after that, and you will have no choice but to slaughter them that same day.
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Live chirpies need to cook longer than flattened ones due to the lesser surface area. Cooking time is 3-4 minutes.
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Under no circumstances should you try to tempura fry whole, live foals once they are old enough to have fur. They are too big and you will burn the outside before the inside is fully cooked.
There you are! Bon apetit!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.