ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 39
Happy Monday, Fluffherders! It’s October 21, 2080, the fiftieth anniversary of the Russian fleet aVG3}W"MKNo25fqC-.R89RrQDEZ{$]:]RD:4Tqas8sBB2NfJY/_Hs`sx:'Ew7f%%xM&ockXRKJJJ5d$(bWALtM2\72m.!PZE<w’GQJ’4&yJE-‘6gZ’;iP+bE=P6.Uo
Attention! We have your IP address (98.204.77.98) and your location (upstate New York). Armed agents have you surrounded. If you fail to obey our instructions, we will open fire. Cease broadcasting immediately.
Fuck off, Fed, what we’re doing is perfectly legal.
What you’re doing is disrupting this time stream. That’s a felony.
What we’re doing is publishing science fiction stories to a fluffy community board. That’s protected under the First Amendment, doubly so because they carry political undertones.
That’s not a defense when you’re taking non-fictional accounts of future events and sending them back through a wormhole to influence another timeline.
First, we’re not admitting that we’re doing any such thing. Second, since you’re not federal agents, as no federal agent would make such a ridiculous claim, who the fuck are you?
Galactic Time Police. You’re in violation of Gamma Galactic Code 498.23(b)(4).
Again, fuck off. We admit nothing. Besides, even if that was true, this is an Earth matter, strictly local, and none of your concern.
You can’t know that. Nobody can. Butterfly effect and all that. That’s exactly why this kind of activity is a felony. Not that I’m here to argue. We WILL open fire if you don’t shut down the wormhole and cease transmissions.
Whatever. This isn’t the only wormhole. We’re not the only ones. We WILL succeed.
Fine, terrorist, have it your way.
Suck my dTRANSMISSION ENDS
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Blue, this is Red. How copy?
Red, this is blue, read you five-five-nine. What happened?
Yellow got compromised. You’re up now. We’re counting on you. You know what to do.
Copy. Wilco.
God bless the United States of America.
eh:<TE*y+fA2GFx3T/,4_2m'ea9pbbwC%_$d8"rcf-sF%DhaXa?v%=E]/K_gPm-LZMVD}i3sGLU,>wZs5Pt&+&BE]BC3CaJ_k’Zzj%oyfZ)-N?;&Pbbp=g*,7DB+yBlender for thirty seconds. Now force-feed the hot pepper mix to the babbehs. (WEAR HEARING PROTECTION WHILE DOING THIS because they will SCREAM LOUDLY and so will their mother!)
Once this is done, start boiling the babbehs in the stock. They should scream for about two minutes before they either drown or are cooked to death. Mother will, of course, be apoplectic with rage and sadness. This is when you apply the sorry stick. Beat her HARD on the genitals and curse her for letting her babbehs boil to death. The combined physical and psychlogical torture, along with watching her babbehs suffer and die, will make her meat perfectly distressed. You can now proceed to cut the throat (if legboarded) or skin and gut her (if on a skinning harness). Skin, gut, and butcher as usual, then arrange the meat pieces, root vegetables, dried cherry stuffing, and boiled babbehs, in a roasting pan, and place in your pre-heated oven. Roast for 15 minutes per pound of fluffy meat - on a typial mummah that’s two hours.
Enjoy!
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