The following was originally published in timeline #0347-FAF by FluffiesAreFood to several mainstream news feeds in the reunited United States, on October 30, 2080. It was then republished to Fluffybooru on October 30, 2018, by metatimeline terrorists. It is republished here for historical record. Events detailed here took place on October 30, 2030, in the #0347-FAF timeline, and may or may not reflect future events in our own timeline.
ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 42
It’s October 30, 2080, the 50th anniversary of the end of World War Three. To review, Russian President Putin was losing the war. His invasion of Europe was thrown back by the EU with British assistance and American funding, and the Korean-Japanese-American alliance was set to invade the Russian Far East in retaliation for the attempted invasion of Alaska. With his military torn to pieces and isolated economically, Putin made his final move. At 8:48 AM Eastern time, the Russians detonated a single atomic weapon 150 miles above Greenland. The resulting EMP wave knocked out most of the electronics and the power grid for thousands of miles around. Most notably, it destroyed the power grid in Eastern Canada, the Eastern Seaboard of the United States as far south as Richmond, Virginia, and the entire of the British Isles. The Russians followed up with submarine-launched cruise missiles tipped with very powerful conventional explosives. Washington DC and the surrounding suburbs were leveled. President Ryan is presumed to have died in the attack. London and English ports were also destroyed. With their communications and command structures in ruins, United States and English forces were paralyzed.
What happened next was twelve hours that changed the world completely.
EU forces demanded, and got, a cease-fire. The Second Cold War between French-controlled Europe and Russian-controlled Europe would last until the collapse of the Russian economy in the 2060s.
The Governor of California, Kamala Harris, frantically negotiated a pact with China and India. While both countries had an interest in the decline of American global influence, both countries also recognized that America, particularly California, was one of their most valuable trading partners. Within half an hour, China and India, both nuclear powers, made a simple ultimatum to the Russians: if you bomb California, we will declare war. Other states joined the pact with California. Within two years, these states would go on to form the Western United States.
In similar fashion, fourteen states in the Southeastern US, from West Virginia to Louisiana, declared themselves independent of the United States that morning. They would go on to form the Confederacy.
Texas also declared independence that morning, and would choose to remain an independent nation.
That afternoon, Russian forces, backed by pro-Trump and white supremacist militias, would seal off every highway and capture every airport from Northern Virginia to Maine. By nightfall, the Northeastern United States was under Russian control.
This division of the United States into four pieces would eventually come to be known as The Fracturing. October 30, 2030, was just the first step of The Fracturing. In the weeks that followed, millions of persons of color and religious minorities, fearing persecution in the Confederacy and attempting to leave for the Western United States, would instead find themselves killed by angry mobs before they could cross the border. Hundreds of thousands of Christian conservatives leaving the Western United States for the Confederacy would meet the same fate. All in all, ten million Americans died in the genocide.
On a personal note, The Fracturing changed my life. My family lived in Georgia when the bombs fell. We barely made it to Kansas alive, and only because we abandoned our car and hid in the woods when a mob in Arkansas started shooting anyone who wasn’t white. With nothing to our names, a farmer gave our family shelter and work as farmhands until my father could get back on his feet. He never did get back on his feet. I, however, learned to herd pigs and then fluffies, before going to culinary school in San Francisco, and thus found my calling.
Meanwhile, In New England, a hundred million Americans soon found themselves starving. Cut off from any help, occupied by a government that didn’t care whether they starved, they turned to what resources they had at hand. They scrounged, they looted, and eventually, they turned to the one meat source that was in plentiful supply.
The fluffy pony started out in the 2000s as a luxury pet. By the 2010s it was a virulent pest, with gigaherds destroying rural communities and millions of ferals choking city streets. By the 2020s, a Trump regime more focused on hounding political enemies than solving the crises they promised to fix had left the fluffy pony to dominate the North American ecosystem. Now, in the dawn of the 2030s, humans who created fluffy ponies as a pet and could not control them as a pest, now turned to them, in desperation, for food.
At first, nobody knew how to properly slaughter and cook fluffies. But, through trial and error, the desperate Eastern Americans eventually learned. The hard-won lessons of those horrible days have been handed down to us today as the art and science of Fluffherding — a discipline that the Fluffherders Association of America is dedicated to preserving and growing.
In remembrance of their sacrifices, the Fluffherders Association of America offers the public the quintessential American fluffy recipe. Please enjoy with your families, and remember.
ROAST FLUFFY WITH FOAL SAUSAGE STUFFING
INGREDIENTS
One live adult fluffy
Two live foals, preferably parented by the adult fluffy
Sausage ingredients:
10mL (2 teaspoons) dried sage
10mL (2 teaspoons) granulated garlic
5mL (1 teaspoon) crushed rosemary
10mL (2 teaspoons) iodized salt or 20mL (4 teaspoons) kosher salt
5mL (1 teaspoon) black pepper
15mL (1 tablespoon) fluffy tears (you can usually harness this during the slaughtering phase)
A sprinkle of crushed red pepper flakes
A pinch of ground cloves
Stuffing ingredients:
4 cups cubed bread - fluffy tallow bread is traditional, but corn bread tastes better.
1 cup chicken stock
1 diced onion
3 diced stalks celery
30mL (2 tablespoons) granulated garlic
15mL (1 tablespoon) butter (cow or fluffy)
Roast fluffy ingredients:
2 onions, roughly chopped
1 head garlic, peeled
3 chopped carrots
4 diced red or gold potatoes
1 diced parsnip
1 diced rutabega
1 tablespoon dill
1/2 cup pure olive oil
1 cup fluffy stock
1/2 tablespoon iodized salt or 1 tablespoon kosher salt
SPECIAL EQUIPMENT
Hand grinder (for foal meat)
DIRECTIONS
PART ONE: SLAUGHTERING THE FLUFFIES
Evacuate the bowels of the adult fluffy and insert a self-adhesive cork into its anus. Strap the adult fluffy to a skinning harness. Be sure to tell it that this is part of the “knifey game” that will take her to Skettiland.
Now bring in the first foal. Give the adult and foal time to nuzzle and express love to each other (but do not let the foal take milk).
Now, hold the foal less than a foot away from the face of the adult, and while the adult is watching and cooing, either break the foal’s neck or slice the foal’s throat with a knife. Make sure the adult watches the foal die.
The adult will start screaming in rage. Back-hand the adult HARD and tell it to shut the fuck up. This is part of the traditional recipe going back to the first days of the EUSA, so don’t worry about showing your children how this is done.
Skin and gut the foal in front of the adult, and remove the meat from the bones. Set the skin aside to sell later. The adult will cry and whimper. If the adult ever starts speaking words, SMACK IT and tell it to shut up again. It is okay to knock out a tooth, but take care not to damage the valuable skin.
When you are done removing the meat from the first foal, wash your hands thoroughly, and explain to the fluffy what is going to happen next: you are going to bring in another of its children and kill it. If the fluffy loves it and tells it it’s a good foal, you will break its neck or slice its throat and the foal will die relatively painlessly, but if the adult screams, you will skin and gut the foal alive and it will die in unbelievable pain and suffering. Make sure the adult understands. Apply a tear harness to the fluffy.
Bring in the second foal. The adult will almost certainly do its best to love and nuzzle the foal. When you slaughter the foal, the adult should weep unconsolably, producing enough tears to flavor the sausage. Skin, gut, and butcher the foal.
Now slaughter the adult fluffy. At this point, the psychological torture you’ve inflicted upon it should suffice to make the meat savory. Skin and gut the fluffy, but leave the fluffy carcass whole.
PART TWO: SAUSAGE PREPARATION
In a small bowl, combine the sage, salt, ground black pepper, marjoram, brown sugar, crushed red pepper and cloves. Mix well.
Hand-grind the foal meat into a large bowl. Regrind the meat, and then again. Grinding the meat three times does the trick. Do not grind too quickly - the meat should stay relatively cool.
Combine the ground foal meat with the spices by hand. Add fluffy tears and hand-mix again.
PART THREE: STUFFING PREPARATION
Place cubed bread in a large bowl.
Melt butter in a ceramic pan. Add onions and celery, and sautee until they’re just barely undercooked. Add to cubed bread, along with stock and garlic. Mix thoroughly until the bread is damp. Crumble in sausage - each crumble should be no more than a half teaspoon (2.5 mL).
PART FOUR: ROAST PREPARATION
Pre-heat oven to 325F.
Wash out the fluffy carcass, and coat both inside and outside with 1/2 cup olive oil. Place stuffing loosely inside the carcass.
Combine the remaining olive oil, vegetables, salt, and dill, in a bowl. Mix until vegetables are coated.
Place the fluffy in the roasting pan, belly-up. Arrange vegetables around it. Add fluffy stock to pan. Cover.
Cook for 2.5 hours, basting the fluffy every half-hour. Add stock as necessary.
PART FIVE: SERVING
Transfer the fluffy to a large serving platter, and wait 15 minutes before carving.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.