Ask FluffiesAreFood Vol 1 #44

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ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD

Volume 1 Number 44

Happy Tuesday, Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!

Anonymous asks:

Is fluffy flavor enhancement due to the distress produced mainly by betrayal better than others? I have a friend who had a breeding mummah that he kept as a pet for 3 years and his gf got jealous and made him eat her alive or she would take his children and run away. He said her last words as she was being carved up at the dinner table were “wuv yu daddeh” and the flavor was totally exquisite. I can’t give you the recipe, unfortunately as the gf was the one who cooked the fluffy and she’s completely disappeared for the last several months with no trace being found. My friend’s only comment on this situation is that all females seem to taste the same which enigmatic remark I and the police attribute totally to his grief over his gf leaving.

That’s a great question, Anonymous, especially as it comes with a story that isn’t even remotely creepy or unsettling! The fact of the matter is that the biological processes that make fluffy meat savory are the same with both psychological and physiological torture. But, what makes eating such a pleasure is the experience that comes with it! Every chef learns this lesson, as I did, as part of our culinary training. We have to learn how to properly distress meat both psychologically and physiologically, and so part of my training was raising three fluffies from birth to adulthood, getting them to love me, and then distressing them before preparing, cooking, and eating them. I was graded on every step of the process! And what I learned from this is, yes, for some people, the act of betraying the fluffy makes the meat tastier!

As a side note, since your note was written in blood and covered with fingerprints, I’ve turned it over to our friends at the FBI. SOP, you understand.

Another anonymous writer asks:

I have a crazy friend who says it’s wrong to cook fluffies alive. Is he crazy?

Hardly, anonymous! The most important thing to realize about food, including fluffies, is that it is culture you can eat. The experience of food, by definition, is subjective, and also subject to social and cultural standards. This is no less the case with brand new foods like fluffy. Cooking fluffy alive is haute cuisine today. But remember: in 2030, fluffies were pests, and one ate them only out of desperation. In 2010, fluffies were common pets, and only maniac would eat one. In 1990, fluffies didn’t exist!

So, no, your friend isn’t wrong, and he isn’t crazy. He’s just backwards and misguided. Invite him over and treat him to some live-grilled fluffy steak. He’ll see the light with that first juicy savory bite!

Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.

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Your friend sounds like he’s a grade A moron!

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We try not to judge since taste is inherently subjective … but we’re not going to disagree with you!

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Dear Fluffys Are Food what is the best way to make a quick portein snack, outs of foals. a herd invaded my yard this morning, and they abandoned all the foals and a mare was crippled there’s about 12 of the foals.
(btw no cooking alive my fluffys will flip out)

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Hey Thaddeus,

Well, lucky you! Of course I would advise doing away with the mare immediately - allowing a feral to live, even a crippled one, without redomestcation is a felony throughout North America. Stomping the mummah’s head in should suffice, after which you can throw the carcass in your compost. We can also recommend using a sledgehammer or a shovel to beat the mare to death. Shooting is advisable only if it is legal to discharge a firearm where you are - in most cities this is a felony unless acting in self-defense, and one never shoots a fluffy in self-defense.

Let’s now turn to the foals. Of course you’re correct that you shouldn’t cook them alive as the sound of screaming begging foals will cause your domesticated fluffies no small amount of anxiety. The best thing to, frankly, is to redomesticate the foals! With two weeks of quarantine, a bit of anti-parasite treatment, and a little bit of attention and care, your twelve stray foals will become new friends for your existing fluffies, and will grow into twelve adults for breeding and harvesting! Consult the FAA website (fluffiesarefood.org) for details.

However, perhaps it’s the case that you have too many fluffies already. (Don’t laugh, it can happen!) In this case, you really don’t have a choice except to harvest them immediately. Harvesting foals is easy: simply twist the heads around one full rotation and you will kill the foal. After that, you can throw the bodies in the compost; or you can make foal jerky out of the foals. The below recipe is for two pounds of raw foal meat. Obviously you should multiply the recipe to account for how much foal meat you actually have once all the foals are skinned, gutted, and butchered.

WARNING: raw feral foal meat often carries very dangerous parasites. Foal meat should be cooked to well done to kill the parasites. Not cooking to well done can lead to a parasite infection that is extremely dangerous and can lead to a mass casualty event of Lovecraftian proportions. For this reason I will only be presenting a recipe that calls for baking the meat at temperatures high enough to kill fluffy parasites. (You can also choose to dehydrate the meat, but only if the foal has been properly domesticated and is free from parasites.)

FOAL JERKY

INGREDIENTS:
2 pounds (450g) of foal meat (leg, steak, and rib meat all work.)
1 cup (250mL) of soy sauce
2 tablespoons (30mL) Worcestershire sauce
2 teaspoons (10mL) coarsely ground black pepper
1 teaspoon (5mL) liquid smoke
1 teaspoon (5mL) onion powder
1 teaspoon (5mL) minced garlic or garlic powder
1 teaspoon (5mL) seasoned salt

  1. Thinly-slice the foal meat into 1/8-inch thick strips, either with the grain (which will result in a chewier foal jerky) or against the grain (which will be more tender). I recommend popping the foal meat in the freezer for 15-30 minutes before slicing so that it is easier to cut. (Or the butchers working behind the meat counters at most grocery stores will also do this for you if you ask.)
  2. Transfer the strips of foal meat to a large ziplock bag.
  3. In a separate small mixing bowl, whisk together the remaining ingredients until combined. Pour the mixture into the ziplock bag with the foal meat, seal the bag, and toss until the foal meat is evenly coated.
  4. Refrigerate for at least 30 minutes, or up to 1 day.
  5. Heat oven to 175°F (80°C). Adjust the racks to the upper-middle and lower-middle positions. Line two large baking sheets with aluminum foil, and place wire cooling racks on top of each sheet. Lay the strips out in a single layer on the wire racks. Bake until the foal jerky until it is dry and firm, yet still a little bit pliable, about 4 hours, flipping the foal jerky once about halfway through. (Cooking times will vary based on the thickness of your meat.) Remove jerky and transfer to a sealed container. Refrigerate for up to 1 month.
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thx for the recipe

yes and no
domestic yes
other stuff no

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Do you have a good panko recipe that I can use?

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Do you mean panko-breaded fluffy or the panko crumbs themselves?