This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Friday November 6, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on November 6, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record. Events described here are not necessarily going to happen in your timeline.
Volume 1 Number 45
Happy Hump Day, Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask in the comments!
Today is November 6th, 2080, the 50th anniversary of the installation of Donald Trump Jr. as President of the United States. By the time he was installed by what was left of Congress, the United States had broken into four countries. This was supposed to be the day after mostly ceremonial mid-term elections. However, by then, only twenty-five states were both still part of the United States and not occupied by Russian forces.
Up until that point, the US had been dominated since 2016 by the Republican Party, with the Working Families Party holding a handful of offices in the West Coast states and Hawaii. After the 2030 midterm elections, the Working Families Party swept into power in state governments from Illinois to Idaho. The Working Families Party would rule the soon-to-be Western United States virtually uncontested for the next twenty years.
Meanwhile, in the Occupied States, which would soon become the Eastern United States, the Republican Party was purged of anti-Russian and anti-Trump dissenters. Most of these were never heard from again. The Republican Party itself was rebranded the National Populist Workers Republican Party (NPWRP), the first principle of which was absolute allegiance to the Trump family, led by Donald Trump Jr., and later by Donald Trump III, the child of Donald Trump Jr. and his sister-consort Ivanka.
The Republicans would also dominate politics in the Confederacy for the next fifty years, after President Richard Spencer moved to crush factions within the Confederate Republicans. In Texas, the Republicans controlled the government for six years before a scandal put the Libertarian Party into power.
Although divided politically, the former United States were still united in many ways culturally: by a common language (English), by a common history, by common sports (baseball, basketball, and mixed martial arts), and by common cuisine (particularly beef and, eventually, fluffy).
Now, on to your questions! Disintegral asks:
I wonder how fluffy tongue tastes?
That’s a great question, Disintegral! The good cuts of fluffy meat are so inexpensive that most people never bother with organ meats, or with rougher cuts such as tongue. Nonetheless, the tongue of a fluffy is quite edible! And, I’m happy to report, it tastes like any other cut of fluffy: slightly gamey beef, this time with a rough surface.
Fluffy tongue might not be a commonly eaten cut these days, but it used to be considered a delicacy when cut out of a living fluffy. The famed Manhattan eatery Il Club Fluffy used to serve a dish called lingua di cavalluccio maleducato. Served to a party of no more than four persons, the diners would be introduced to a fully-grown smarty, which up to this point had had his every whim satisfied. The smarty would delight the patrons with his constant demands for spaghetti, enfie mares, enfie babbehs, toys, and Fluff TV. After ten minutes of this, the diners would be seated in a private room, often with a quartet playing chamber music or bossa nova, to dine on an antipasto. The chef would take the smarty to a preparation room, where he would be voided, corked, legboarded, subjected to final grooming, and decorated with a bow.
The now-helpless smarty would then be taken in to the private dining room, where he would pepper the patrons with demands and invective, much to their amusement. The invective only grew louder as the waiters brought in a primo of house-made spaghetti with spicy foal meatballs. As the diners ate, the smarty would subject them to such crude abuse as his infantile mind was capable, unaware that he was simply whetting their appetites for the next course.
For the secundo, the fluffy would finally meet his fate. The chef, a sous chef, and the dining party, would all put on hearing protection. The sous chef would use gloved hands to force the smarty’s mouth open. Then, using a pair of tongs, the chef would grip the tongue, pull it as far out of the fluffy’s mouth as possible, and slice it out of the fluffy’s head with a very sharp knife. This would inevitably produce an ear-piercing scream of agony and outrage that delighted the patrons beyond measure. The tongue, weighing a mere five ounces, would only be 65% meat, the rest being fat, skin, and liquid. To supplement the tongue, the chef would also remove the testicles and penis of the smarty, using the same tongs and sharp knife. The sous chef would then position the smarty such that he could only watch and smell and make gargled screams while the chef prepared his tongue, penis, and testes for the guests, in a light coating of breadcrumbs and parmesean cheese.
At the end of the secundo, the chef would slice the throat of the smarty from ear to ear, to the applause of the patrons. The sous chef would then take the fluffy to be butchered, with the entire operation shown to the patrons via video feed as they ate a a seasonal contorno followed by a dolce of espresso and fruit tarts. At the end of the meal, the patrons would each get a care package of one-quarter to one-half the meat of the smarty, to take home for their own preparation and use.
You can have a taste of this extravagant meal yourself. Butchers don’t usually advertise it, but they sell fluffy tongues for a dollar a pound ($2.50 per kilogram). This often goes to making sausage or ground meats, but you can use it to make lingua di cavalluccio.
LINGUA DI CAVALLUCCIO
1/2 pound fluffy tongues, skinned, drained, and sliced in half
1 cup Italian breadcrumbs
1/2 cup parmeasen cheese
1 cup milk
1 cup unbleached white flour
Put sliced tongues into white flour and mix until they are all coated.
Crack the egg into a small bowl; add milk. Mix with a fork.
Mix breadcrumbs and cheese on a plate.
Heat pure olive oil or canola oil in a frying pan at medium heat.
Dip each tongue slice into egg-milk mixture, then breadcrumbs. Place in oil.
Cook on both sides until each tongue piece is a light golden brown.
Suggested pairings: red wine, roasted brussels sprouts.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.