Ask FluffiesAreFood Vol 1 #6

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ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD

Volume 1 Number 6

Happy Wednesday Fluffherders, and I hope your week is excellent! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just comment here!

An anonymous contributor writes:

Dear FlufiesAreFood,

The other day I saw a fluffy caught in a storm drain, surrounded by her crying children. Her feet were caught in the grate and she kept begging me to help her get out. “Pwease nice mista, pwease hewp Bwu Wike Sky nu mo cawt in meanie gwond!” She said this while choking on sobs while her children huud and made scardey peeps. I got the biggest boner from this. I hadn’t been laid in a while so I sat on the curb and rubbed one out while she screamed and cried and begged me to stop playing with my no no stick and come help.

A raccoon found her shortly after I finished. As I was wiping my hand off the raccoon grabbed one of her foals and ate it in front of her. Man, that scene, with the foal screaming for her mumma and mumma sceaming for her babbeh and screaming at me “WHY YU NO HEWP! YU MEANIE HUMAN! MEANIE!!” was the best combination of hilarious and boner-inducing I’ve seen in ages. So I rubbed another one out and that just made her more desperate and pissed off.

Eventually the raccoon finished the first babbeh, and then moved on to the second. Oh, the second tried to hide, but the raccoon sniffed it out and found it and chowed down on the screaming begging foal. Mumma of course started screaming at me again which just made me horny again. I don’t think I ever came three times that hard in less than an hour in my life, even when I was eleven years old and couldn’t get my mind off of the girl who kept wearing short skirts in math class.

By the time I was done with my last load a cop found me and threatened me with a charge of indecent exposure if I didn’t move on, which is too bad because I really wanted to start fucking the mare while the raccoon was eating it.

I think I might be fucked in the head, but I can’t help it. I enjoy watching fluffies suffer and die! It gives me the biggest hardon!

Anyway, afterward I didn’t exactly feel guilty, but it did make me wonder: what is the socially acceptable thing to do when you see a trapped fluffy?

Well Anonymous, to your immediate question, the best thing to do when you see a feral fluffy in an urban area is to contact your local chapter of the Fluffherders Association, at 1-800-EAT-FLUF (text or phone). They will find a volunteer to come out and reclaim the ferals, even if they are trapped like the one you mentioned. From there, the fluffy will stop being a nuisance to the community, and will help to boost the economy by providing the community with meat, fur, tallow, and other by-products.

Also, if you are not presently employed, please consider taking up work in a butcher shop or a fluffy slaughterhouse. I believe you will enjoy it, as long as you can contain your sexual urges and only exercise them legally and during non-work hours.

Our next question comes from KazumiTheSmarty:

Hi FluffiesAreFood,

Can you explain the uses of non-food fluffy products?

Your friendly neighborhood otaku, Kazumi.

I’m glad you asked, Kazumi, because the list is virtually endless! However, let’s go over the main non-food fluffy products.

  1. FUR — Fluffy fur is cheap, widely available, and colorful! This makes it ideal for summerweight clothing or blankets, rugs, and decorative items! If properly tanned and sewn to a cotton backing, the hide is soft and supple and will last for generations. (In fact, one of my favorite items of fluffy clothing is a pair of slippers I made myself! They’re made from a mumma and daddeh that were adorably inseparable in life, and the lining is made with fur from their favorite offspring. They’re so cozy!)

  2. TALLOW — Fluffy tallow is useful as both a food item and a non-food item. As a food item, is is the key ingredient in East American Fluffy Bread (along with King Arthur wheat-barley flour, yeast, fluffy milk and maple syrup). As a non-food item, East Americans in the hard days used it to make soap and candles when nothing else was available. Today you can still buy fluffy tallow candles and soap in rustic markets and uplevel grocery stores, as well as on Amazon and Wal-Mart. A healthy, domesticated adult fluffy is 20% tallow by body weight, although this can go as high as 35% for milkbagged mares and such.

  3. BONE MEAL — Fluffy bones are ground into bone meal, which is used in plant food. The bones are also valuable as decorative objects. Unicorn skulls are collectors items!

  4. FLUFFY LIVER AND PANCREAS — Aside from being edible, these organs also secrete unique chemicals that are used in manufacturing everything from dyes to medicines.

  5. FLUFFY BRAINS — Fluffy brai(((THIS CONTENT IS EMBARGOED BY COURT ORDER AND WILL NOT BE SHOWN. THIS IS MESSAGE IS COURTESY OF CENSBOT, A PROGRAM OF THE UNITED STATES MARSHALL SERVICE.)))

And there are many, many more useful non-food products that can come from the fluffy! For more information, consult the Fluffherders Association website at fluffiesarefood.org.

Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.

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