Volume 1 Number 9
Happy Tuesday Fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just PM me or comment!
Are you single? Do you perhaps have a recipe for your huggies an wuv? Just kidding. But really - how do I keep the fat content down so I don’t turn into a fat miserable blob (kind of like a fluffy) And what’s your take on a fluffy soup. Can I boil them alive or should I kill them first?[/b]
First, let’s discuss fat content. A certain amount of fluffy fat is good for the meat – the fat keeps the meat moist through the cooking process and adds flavor. But you don’t need much fat to accomplish this. A lean cut of fluffy meat still has enough fat in the tissues to assist with cooking. So, my advice would be to buy lean cuts, or to save money by trimming the big chunks of fat off the meat. The big chunks (or “tallow”) can be used as cooking fat (particularly in Fluffy Bread). I can also be made into many other useful non-food products, including soap, candles, biodiesel, and rocket fuel.
Now let’s discuss fluffy soup. There are a wide variety of fluffy soups, and I include a recipe below. How you prepare the fluffies depends on the age of the fluffies. In almost every case, you need to skin and gut the fluffy first. The fur is valuable but inedible; the gut bacteria of a fluffy will make anyone violently ill. However, once this is done, the fluffy is perfectly safe to boil into soup.
The exception to this rule is the chirpie. You can boil chirpies alive to make excellent soup, as long as they are no more than a week old. You need to void the chirpies before boiling. Use a Q-Tip wet with lukewarm water to simulate a mother’s tongue; this will encourage the chirpie to evacuate its bowels and bladder. Another wipe with a moist paper towel will clean off the excess. After this is done, you can boil the chirpies alive.
A word of caution about cooking chirpies: do not cook live chirpies while other fluffies are within earshot. Boiling chirpies will let out high-pitched squeals for ten to twenty seconds after being subjected to extreme heat. This will cause great distress to other fluffies, especially if they are related to the chirpies. A mother or father may be driven to murderous rage and try to kill you. They won’t cooperate with you after that, and your best move will be to slaughter them that same day. Needless to say, the meat of the mother or father will be severely distressed and quite sour.
As for my relationship status: I have had a wonderful partner for fifteen years now!
FLUFFY BARLEY VEGGIE SOUP
- Slow cooker
- Large stock pot
- 3 pounds fluffy meat - the meat from one side plus two legs should do the trick. (If you are cooking a whole adult fluffy, then just double this recipe.)
- 1/2 cup barley
- 1 bay leaf
- 2 tablespoons cooking oil or fluffy tallow
- 3 carrots, chopped
- 3 celery stalks, chopped
- 1 onion, chopped
- 1/2 pound broccoli, chopped
- 1/2 pound cauliflower, chopped
- 4 cups water and 4 bullion cubes, or 4 cups stock. Chicken, fluffy, or beef are best.
- 1 tablespoon sugar or 1 teaspoon condensed fluffy tears
- 1/4 tablespoon black pepper
- 1 28 oz can chopped stewed tomatoes
In a slow cooker, cook fluffy meat until very tender (usually 4 to 5 hours on High, but can vary with different slow cookers). Add barley and bay leaf during the last hour of cooking. Remove meat, and chop into bite-size pieces. Discard bay leaf. Set beef, broth, and barley aside.
Heat oil or tallow in a large stock pot over medium-high heat. Sauté vegetables until tender. Add water and bullion cubes or stock, sugar or tears, 1/4 teaspoon pepper, chopped stewed tomatoes, and fluffy/barley mixture. Bring to boil, reduce heat, and simmer 10 to 20 minutes. Season with additional salt and pepper to taste.
Theres many recopies for cooking with fluffy meat on the interweb, but i’m having trouble finding fluffy deserts. I’ve heard that mummah-miwkies ice cream and heawt-huwties wawa syrups are very expensive to buy because of the difficulty in harvesting the materials. Any recopies relating to those subjects that you’d like to share?
I’m glad you asked, Fogfactor! The truth is that fluffy milk and fluffy tears are actually easy to mass-produce, provided that the fluffies are subjected to a procedure called milkbagging. A milkbag is a mare which, shortly after giving birth, is surgically quadruple amputated (“pillowed”), detoothed, and fitted with a feeding/breathing apparatus. The milkbag then spends the rest of its life making milk. The combination of physical discomfort and social isolation makes the fluffy intensely unhappy, which also yields plenty of sweet fluffy tears.
Fluffy milk and condensed fluffy tears are cheap and widely available in the Eastern United States and the Confederacy. However, animal welfare laws in the Western United States make it illegal to use milkbags, which makes it harder to procure fluffy milk and tears, which makes them much more expensive. Right now, the reunited United States is working to reconcile Eastern and Western laws, which could end up making fluffy milk and condensed fluffy tears very expensive! Write your Congressman and tell them that you demand access to affordable, nutritious, natural fluffy milk and fluffy tears!
Since you asked about ice cream, here’s a recipe I enjoy:
MUMMAH MIWKIES ICE CREAM
- 2 cups heavy fluffy cream
- 1 cup whole fluffy milk
- 1/3 cup condensed fluffy tears (or substitute 2/3 cup sugar)
- 1/8 teaspoon fine sea salt
- 6 large egg yolks
- Flavor mix to taste (see below)
In a small pot, simmer heavy cream, milk, tears and salt until sugar completely dissolves, about 5 minutes. Remove pot from heat. In a separate bowl, whisk yolks. Whisking constantly, slowly whisk about a third of the hot cream into the yolks, then whisk the yolk mixture back into the pot with the cream. Return pot to medium-low heat and gently cook until mixture is thick enough to coat the back of a spoon (about 170 degrees on an instant-read thermometer).
Strain through a fine-mesh sieve into a bowl. Cool mixture to room temperature. Cover and chill at least 4 hours or overnight. Churn in an ice cream machine according to manufacturers’ instructions. Serve directly from the machine for soft serve, or store in freezer until needed.
The above gives you a basic ice cream, which will be sweet with a slight caramel flavor. You can add flavors as follows:
Vanilla: Slice 2 vanilla beans in half lengthwise and scrape down the sides. Add seeds and pods to the cold milk and cream mixture. Let yolk mixture sit for 30 minutes off heat before straining.
Chocolate: In a saucepan, bring 3/4 cup fluffy cream and 3 tablespoons Dutch-processed cocoa powder to a simmer. Put 1 cup chopped chocolate in a mixing bowl. Pour hot cocoa cream over chocolate and stir until melted and smooth. Make base using 1 1/2 cups fluffy milk, 3/8 cup condensed fluffy tears and no cream. Stir chocolate mixture, 3/4 cup crème fraîche or sour cream and 1 teaspoon vanilla extract into base. Strain and chill.
Coffee: Add 1/2 cup coarsely ground coffee beans to the cold milk and cream mixture. Let yolk mixture sit for 30 minutes off heat before straining.
Fluffy tears: 2/3 cup of condensed fluffy tears with 1/8 teaspoon sea salt over low heat, stirring continually, until the tears caramelize into a dark brown, but not quite black, syrup. Stir in 1/8 teaspoon of vanilla extract. Add this into the milk and cream mixture instead of the tears and salt.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here or send FluffiesAreFood a PM via Fluffybooru.