ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 2 Number 1
Happy New Year, fluffherders, and welcome to 2085! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
New Year’s Day is a traditional day for families to make an unwanted Christmas fluffy into a tasty New Year’s meal. If you brought a fluffy into your house that you can’t stand anymore, then making it into a holiday roast is easy!
NEW YEAR ROASTED FLUFFY
INGREDIENTS
One whole fluffy. Traditionally, this is a fluffy that was received as a Christmas gift, and that turned out to be a smarty or otherwise unsuitable as a pet. We presume that the smarty has been harvested and butchered already. If not, this is a perfect occasion to teach your children how fun it is to slice the throat of an adult fluffy, watch it die, skin it, gut it, and prepare it as a roast! Your child will relish the first time it sees the look of horror and sadness in a fluffy’s eyes at the moment it realizes its betrayal. Be sure to preserve the hide and save it for them as a present!
15 dried bay leaves, plus a few whole leaves for garnish.
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
zest from three oranges
1/3 cup freshly chopped sage leaves, plus whole leaves for garnish
coarse salt
freshly ground pepper
three pounds yellow potatoes, peeled and halved lengthwise
DIRECTIONS
Combine the olive oil, bay leaves, chopped sage, orange zest, salt and pepper into a marinade. Let the fluffy marinade for four hours.
Put potatoes into a large pot of water. Bring to a boil; add salt. Cook 5 minutes. Drain. Score lines lengthwise in potatoes using the tines of a fork.
Place the fluffy belly side down in a roasting pan. If the fluffy has already been segmented, place the sides fat side down and the legs along the sides. Let sit for an hour, until it reaches room temperature.
Preheat oven to 450F/280C. Roast for 30 minutes (whole) or 15 minutes (segmented).
Add potatoes. Roast for another 30 minutes (whole) or 15 minutes (segmented).
Reduce temperature to 350F/225C. Roast, turning the potatoes every 30 minutes, until the temperature of the meat reaches 120F/50C.
Remove from oven and let stand for 20 minutes. The temperature of the meat should reach 130F/55C. Slice and garnish.
And now for the first question of the new year. Huggboxing_Faggot has a question about fluffy disposal, particularly as it applies to releasing fluffies into the wild:
Does the law also apply when the fluffy in question has suffered injuries that render it immobile, unable to defecate or infertile?
Don’t think a smarty that got his legs chopped off and his own dick shoved up his ass poses much of a risk.
In general it is a felony throughout North America to release a fluffy into the wild. This is because of what happened in the years 2008-2012 when the survivors of the first fluffies abandoned to the wild went on to form environmentally devastating megaherds and then gigaherds. At the FAA we recommend that all fluffies remain domesticated as pets or livestock when possible. Where this is not possible, we recommend euthanasia and composting. Euthanasia can take many forms, and we usually recommend decapitation by twisting or cutting the head off, or stomping the skull until the brain is destroyed.
But let’s suppose that the fluffy is crippled or unable to reproduce. What then?
I’m not a lawyer, so don’t take this as legal advice. My understanding is that if the fluffy is crippled as you describe and released, you can still be charged with a felony, even though you might have a defense.
There’s an EUSA precedent in Scranton, Pennsylvania from 2055 where a pet fluffy turned out to be a smarty. The parents tried to get rid of the fluffy as soon as they found out, but then discovered that their child had grown emotionally attached to the animal. They decided that they would tolerate the fluffy only insofar as it made the child happy.
A week later the smarty covered the child with a spray of “sorry poopies” and then tried to force it’s “no-no stick” in her mouth. The father, in a fit of rage, grabbed the fluffy by the erect penis, and slammed him into a stair banister, breaking his spine and paralyzing him at the hips. He then continued to beat it against the bannister until the erection tore off, taking most of the scrotum and both testicles with it. The fluffy also sustained broken bones in all four legs, a cracked skull, a fractured pelvis, and a ruptured eye. The father then took the fluffy to the front porch of the house and drop-kicked him into the snow-filled street to die.
The fluffy’s anguished screams for daddeh to bring it in from the cold and give huggies led neighbors to call police. Police euthanized the fluffy with socially responsible forever sleep head stompies. They then cited the father for illegal dumping, for which Scranton had a zero tolerance policy. The father paid the $500 fine (at the time equivalent to 50 cents WUSA) and the family adopted a cat.
Normally, that would have been the end of it. However, the local district attorney, who had ambitions to rise in the ranks of the National Populist Workers Republican Party, decided to prosecute this case zealously. He charged the father with reckless fluffy pony abandonment, a third degree felony carrying a penalty of no more than seven years imprisonment. The father pled not guilty and presented as his defense that the crippled and penis-deprived fluffy was clearly incapable of reproduction or contributing to the survival of a wild herd at the time that it was abandoned. This was an unusual defense, and not one of the affirmative defenses listed in Pennsylvania criminal statutes. Nonetheless, the court ended up agreeing with this line of reasoning, and he was found not guilty.
The father ended up paying tens of millions of EUSA dollars (tens of thousands of WUSA dollars) in legal bills. Also, because the prosecutor used as evidence that the father had a Greek grandmother, the family was ostracized and had to move to the Western United States. The attorney caught the attention and favor of President-for-Life Donald Trump Jr. and was elevated to the Pennsylvania state legislature.
Again, I’m not a lawyer, HF, but my suggestion is that, if you have an unwanted fluffy, you should either harvest it or euthanize and compost it.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.