ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 2 Number 4
It’s March 14th, 2085, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Folks, it’s my 50th anniversary of writing about fluffies as a food staple! To celebrate, here’s a reprint of my first web article for the news site California Today, from March 14th, 2035!
EATING FLUFFIES IN NEW YORK STATE
If you drive the long stretch of New York’s State Highway 2 through Rensselaer County, you’ll pass abandoned cattle farms, small fill-up stations selling gasoline-filled soda bottles, and roadside vendors hawking locally grown produce – and roasted fluffy. Across the countryside, the pets-turned-pets make cheap, savory meals.
Californians might balk at the idea of eating so-called “shit rats,” but these fluffies are far healthier than their urban counterparts. No matter the season, New York State plantations provide the free-range critters with a steady supply of food: wheat, rye, oats, barley, and sometimes potatoes.
Hunters take advantage of the fluffies’ reliable presence and sell their bounty to local roadside vendors or to furriers and leather-makers. In the Eastern United States, sellers cook the fluffy meat over charcoal and serve it accompanied by dipping sauces made from maple syrup and hot peppers. The skin is salty and rich, similar to roast chicken, while the meat itself has the savoriness of aged beef. Most New Yorkers pair it with a local lager.
I’m told that eating fluffy is a new phenomenon in New York State. According to locals, it started in Manhattan during the Russian occupation, and soon spread through New York and New England as a cheap, easy-to-raise substitute for beef. The only downside, I’m told, is that it can be unnerving to slaughter and eat an animal that can talk back to you and that understands what death means at the level of a three-year-old.
I stopped in Troy, New York, to try out fluffy as a food. The South Troy Diner is one of the few eateries in Troy to have survived World War Three. I was able to get Chicken Fried Fluffy Steak with real mashed potatoes for $27 EUSA, which works out to $8 at the current exchange rate. The meat is tender and savory, like a slightly gamey beef. Although you would expect that they used feral fluffies for this meat, the owners tell me that the fluffy meat comes from a farm thirty miles away! Each day the farmer delivers a half dozen fluffy carcasses, enough meat to feed all of their customers, and sometimes a few additional carcasses on weekends. Fluffy agriculture and cuisine are a young science in New York and New England, but they seem to have the hang of it.
That’s it for me today, folks. I’ll be back soon to answer your questions. In the meanwhile, keep the knife sharp and the fluffies unaware!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.