ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 2 Number 6
Happy Hump Day, Fluffherders! It’s May 16th, 2085, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just PM me on the Booru!
Today’s question comes to us from Agnostic, who asks:
Dear FAF, I was recently given a pegasus foal as a gift. It’s got cute eyes but I hate the shit-brown fur. In fact hate this fucking abortion of a creature in general. I tried pillowing it to make me happy and all it does now is flap its wings (I hate the buzzing noise!) and begging me to love it. I’m thinking the only way I’m going to love this lump of worthlessness is to kill it and eat it. How do I cause it the maximum pain possible and still enjoy eating it?
Well, Agnostic, I can appreciate your predicament. Not everyone is cut out to own a pet, let alone to own a fluffy. Fluffies are very empathetic and social creatures, and this makes them very needy of company and friendship. If you can’t provide that for them, then that’s frankly tantamount to abuse, and it would be better off if you just killed and ate it. So, thank you for doing the right thing.
As to how you can inflict the most pain, I would suggest that you’re already doing a good job by pillowing and isolating it. Unfortunately that kind of long-term suffering makes the meat very sour. Remember my mnenomnic:
Long term suffer, tastes like rubber;
One final scream, tastes like a dream!
So, there’s no need to distress the fluffy before harvesting. While that will make the meat more sour, you don’t really need to do that now. In fact, you need to cut back on the sour taste by adding sweet flavors. So I would suggest that you harvest the fluffy (simple decapitation with a butcher knife will do - no need to save the unfortunately colored fur), skin and gut the animal, and then marinade the carcass. And, I have just the marinade!
Tortured Fluffy Juice Marinade
INGREDIENTS
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup pineapple juice
1/2 cup soy sauce
2 tablespoons honey
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon onion powder
1 clove minced garlic (or, add more to taste)
Mix ingredients thoroughly. Put in a freezer bag with the foal carcass, so that the foal is completely covered. Let sit for six hours, or even better, overnight.
After it’s marinaded, try grilling the foal. One foal is enough meat for two, so you might consider inviting the person who gave you the foal!
Enjoy!
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.
