ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 2 Number 7
Howdy Fluffherders! It’s July 20, 2085, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Today’s question comes from EnfAndEat60, who writes:
FAF, what’s your weapon of choice?
Well, EnfAndEat60, I’m not sure what you’re asking, but my favorite cooking instrument by far is my Korin Suisin Sakauma-Yanagiba fluffy harvesting knife. Fluffy harvesting knives are designed with a thin, very sharp blade, similar to a fish knife, for slicing the fluffy’s throat and skinning the fluffy. Because the blade is so sharp, the fluffy is barely aware that its throat has been cut until the bleeding starts in earnest. It’s also suitable for gutting, although most chefs, including myself, use a separate gutting knife for that, and also a cleaver for butchering. Korin Suisin sells a set of all three, made of high quality carbon steel and wonderfully balanced for practically effortless handling, for a somewhat princely $1095 USA.
However, I’ve recently discovered my favorite new fluffy cooking instrument: the Carnificorp Decapicollar 85.
Most of us know the Carnificorp Decapicollar as a mid-line harvesting collar, designed to be worn around the neck of the fluffy comfortably until a radio signal triggers the harvesting wire, severing the coratid arteries and windpipe of the fluffy in a fraction of a second. Mid-size fluffherding operations use these to slaughter a dozen fluffies at once - they will be in a waiting pen ready for the truck to take them to Skettiland when a radio signal activates their collars. Done properly, all dozen fluffies simply bleed silently and then drop dead. Their collars are removed and their bodies thrown in the refrigerator and taken to the butcher. Fluffherders who aren’t able to use a harvesting knife properly, due to illness or disability, also use harvesting collars in order to continue to participate in the American tradition of harvesting one’s own fluffies for delicious meat. Harvesting collars can also be set to completely decapitate the fluffy, although this is usually done outside of the view of other fluffies and only in situations where the fluffy is sick or the hide is badly damaged.
The Decapicollar 85, however, takes the harvesting collar concept to a new level. Fluffy blood has become a new trendy ingredient, and harvesting collars have thus fallen out of favor because they waste blood. The Decapicollar 85 eliminates this problem with a patented system of four computer-guided autonomous blades. Two blades sever the windpipe and the spine, killing the fluffy noiselessly, after which the other two blades penetrate the carotid arteries and stopper them. The fluffherder can then drain the fluffy’s blood using a spigot. This makes harvesting the blood easy and much less messy than before. It’s a game-changing design that could make harvesting collars not just a good alternative to the traditional harvesting knife, but perhaps, for the first time ever, the preferred method of harvesting a fluffy. As always, we’ll have to see what the market likes.
Our next question comes from Wangtwister:
Dear FAF, my fluffy herding operation was wiped out by Uzbeki butt eels. I want to start over, and I’ve already budgeted $10 for new fluffies. However I’m concerned that the Uzbeki Butt eels will come back. What can you tell me about Uzbeki butt eels, and how can I prevent them from coming back?
This is an excellent question, Wangtwister. The Fluffherders’ Association of America classifies Uzbeki butt eels as a primary threat to any fluffherding operation, alongside jellenheimers and Carnivious Duck’s Original Munstas. They are cousins of the jellenheimer that have not so much evolved as adapted into an eel-like shape. They live in bodies of fresh water and eat fluffies exclusively, usually forcing their way into the fluffy’s anus and eating it from the inside out. There is speculation that Uzbeki butt eels were artificially crafted in an abortive attempt to create a jellenheimer variety to prey on invasive populations of sea fluffies, and ended up escaped from the laboratory before they could be adapted to the salt water environments where sea fluffies live. If this is true, then they are almost certainly NOT from Uzbekistan. Like jellenheimers, Uzbeki butt eels reproduce by releasing spores into the air and dividing themselves.
As jellenheimer-like creatures, the best way to fight them is to scrub the fluffy pen down with lye, followed 24 hours later by washing down with vinegar. The lye will dissolve any remaining spores or juvenile eels, and the vinegar will neutralize the lye.
As always, it is recommended not to have sexual intercourse with any jellenheimer-like creatures, lest we get a repeat of [THIS HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR YOUR SANITY]
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here or send FluffiesAreFood a PM via Fluffybooru.
