ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 3 Number 2
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s August 25, 2083, and time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask here!
Today’s first question comes from Testiculinarian, who asks:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
I love fluffy oysters, but it takes ages to gather enough of them for a decently sized meal. How do restaurants harvest their fluffy nuts, and what’s the quickest way to gather them at home?
Signed,
Testiculinarian
I get this question more than you think, and the answer is the same in both cases: have a lot of testicles to harvest.
Most restaurants (excepting specialty eateries like Il Club Fluffy) procure their fluffy meat, including fluffy oysters, from slaughterhouses that harvest tens of thousands of fluffies a day. Unlike with most livestock animals, males get harvested just as often as females. And when males are harvested, so are their testicles. Fluffy oysters are available for households both fresh and flash-frozen, but as this tends to mostly be a delicacy in the Rocky Mountain states, you might not see them in your local supermarket.
However, you asked for the quickest way to gather them at home. Of course, this is to harvest, or at least geld, a lot of males in short order. In the olden days this was done with a knife. These days you can do it either very painfuly with pliers, scissors, and a mallet; or very quickly with home appliances like the SakRipper 2100. The SakRipper 2100 is especially useful if you have issues with hand strength or hand coordination, or if you need to geld a lot of males fast. For reference, a typical serving of fluffy oysters is six oysters, or three males’ worth. So if you want the absolute freshest oysters, buy yourself three males for every serving and start ripping them sacks! As long as you don’t let on that you’re eating their balls, the fluffies will be sore and angry but not driven to psychosis.
Our next question comes from @Chikahiro, who asks:
My family has a lot of Asians who have trouble with normal milk from cows. Fluffy milk agrees with them, but we live in an area where both kinds of milk are astronomically expensive and only available in gallons. We only need a little bit on a regular basis, not a gallon that has to be consumed quickly. We’re considering keeping a herd of milk fluffies for this purpose. What is the best way for us to go about this?
I’m glad you asked, @Chikahiro! Keeping a herd of milk fluffies is somewhat different from keeping a herd of meat fluffies. The main difference is that mature mares are kept for much longer, and are kept in a constant state of lactation. There are artificial ways to keep mares lactating, but none of them come close to the quantity and quality of milk one gets from keeping mares naturally lactating. Mares lactate for about three months after giving birth, at which time their foals should be well past being weaned. After those three months, it is a simple matter to get a mare pregnant again. Six weeks after that, the mare should give birth and lactate again.
As to how many lactating mares you need - that depends on your personal milk consumption, of course, but most lactating mares can produce up to one liter of milk per day. Foals will typically consume about half of that, allowing you a half liter of fluffy milk for your own use. The Fluffherders Association of America website has instructions on the safe pasteurization and storage of fluffy milk for human consumption.
Now, you might ask, “but what do I do with all the foals?” We leave that up to you, @Chikahiro, but we will point out that butcher shops are almost always happy to buy your excess foals, and will often give you a discount on foal meat or foal sausage in the bargain.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here or send FluffiesAreFood a PM via Fluffybooru.
