This was originally posted to news websites in timeline #00347-FAF on Friday October 18, 2080, during the 50th Anniversary remembrances of The Fracturing. It was reposted to Fluffybooru on October 18, 2018, by timeline terrorists, and is reposted here to preserve the historical record.
ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 38
Happy Friday, Fluffherders! It’s October 18th, 2080, the 50th Anniversary of the Russian capture of Berlin in WWIII. Russian forces assisted by National Socialist and Traditionalist insurgents surrounded the city late the previous evening; by morning the Bundeswehr were given the choice to withdraw or be carpet-bombed to oblivion. The Bundeswehr, three divisions of them, withdrew. Waves of violence broke out across Europe as antifascists and anti-Russan nationalists battled fascists and Traditionalists in the streets. Meanwhile in Asia, Chinese forces invaded Formosa; the Taiwan government, which could no longer count on United States protection, fled for Australia. Korea and Japan signed a hastily negotiated mutual defense pact, and a Russian armada left Vladivostok for Alaska. India, after decades of tension with China, assumed that war would soon come to their steps, and put their military on high alert.
In those days it felt like the world was falling apart. To get us through those days, we made homemade stew and biscuits. Here’s one of my favorite variations on this recipe - it’s easy to make and hearty!
AUTUMN WEATHER CROCK POT FLUFFY STEW
INGREDIENTS
Two pounds stew fluffy - leg meat will do - cut into 1-2 cm cubes
1/8th cup all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon paprika
1 teaspoon ceyanne pepper powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 tablespoon fluffy tallow or olive oil
1 1/2 cups fluffy stock
one clove of garlic, minced
1 chopped onion
2 chopped red potatoes
1 chopped rutabega
1 chopped parsnip
2 chopped celery stalks
DIRECTIONS
In a bowl, combine meat, spices, and flour. Stir until meat is covered in flour and spices.
Heat a ceramic-coated frying pan with a tablespoon of fluffy tallow or olive oil to medium heat. Sautee meat and spices until the meat is browned.
Put browned meat in crock pot, along with stock, garlic, and vegetables. Cook on high for 4-6 hours or low for 10-12 hours.
Serving suggestions: biscuits, red wine.
And now to your questions! Anonymous asks:
Dear Fluffies are Food. I’ve never yet seen any recipes for microwaved fluffies and it would seem the distress caused to the fluffy by doing this while it was alive. (after shit draining, of course) would be both delicious and entertaining. What’s your opinion, (and your recipe)
To be honest, anon, this isn’t a good idea. To make it work, you would have to shave and cork the fluffy, and then puncture the skin to let the steam come out. Otherwise you risk the fluffy exploding and making a mess. If the fluffy isn’t gutted, it’s going to be an unsanitary mess.
However, there is a way to make roast fluffy with foal sausage stuffing that uses a microwave! This particular recipe requires newborn foals. First, wait for a pregnant mare to give birth. No more than three hours later, take the foals away from mumma. She will complain incessantly, so remove her from the rest of the herd, and take mother and foals all to your harvesting area. Evacuate her bowels and cork her, and strap her (TIGHTLY!) to a skinning harness. Then, take the newborn foals and carefully evacuate their bowels with a lukewarm wet washcloth. Then - while mother is watching! - pierce each of the foals twice with a heavy needle. This won’t be enough to kill them, but it will be enough to release steam and to make them give out distress chirps that will drive mother into a frenzied rage and panic.
Put the prepared foals into a microwave-safe bowl, and coat with Worstershire sauce and white flour. Now, put on hearing protection, and microwave foals for 4 minutes on medium. (WARNING: BOTH MOTHER AND FOALS WILL SCREAM VERY LOUDLY AS YOU DO THIS.)
Once the foals are cooked, remove them from the microwave and put them in front of mother for her to see and smell. At this point she should have entered into full-blown fluffy psychosis. This is the time to skin and gut her. Once she is skinned and gutted, you can either roast her alive in a pre-heated oven or cut her throat and butcher her to roast later. (The meat will retain its savory flavor for several days if refrigerated.)
Note: the cooked foals should cool before you make them into sausage.
ElCuCuyfeo asks:
Fluffly Menudo, Myth or fact?
For those who don’t know, menudo is a spicy Mexican soup made from cheap protein (honeycomb tripe and pig trotters are traditional) and hominy. The fact is that fluffy meat is so cheap that the price of leg meat actually gives honeycomb tripe and pig trotters a run for their money! Fluffy offal, on the other hand, is practically inedible, and almost all of it ends up processed into gelatin, fertilizer, or biofuels. As such, fluffy menudo isn’t “real” menudo, but it also doesn’t require the same preparation of the offal, and it has a lot of the same flavor.
FLUFFY “MENUDO”
INGREDIENTS
For braising the meat:
4 pounds leg meat (approximately one fluffy’s worth), cubed
1 pound rib meat (for the fat and collegen), cubed
10 cups water
1 large sliced onion
1 bulb chopped garlic
5 plants cilantro (stems and leaves only)
1 tablespoon black pepper
2 bay leaves
1 teaspoon cumin
2 teaspoons oregano
4 chiles de arbol (small, red)
1 1/2 tablespoons salt
2 tablespoons vinegar
For making the final product:
1/4 pound dried guajillo chiles
3 cups cooked white hominy
2 cloves minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon oregano
DIRECTIONS
Add meat braising ingredients to a large pot. Bring to a boil and then turn the heat to simmer. Cook for 3 hours.
About 30 minutes before the meat is done, prepare the guajillo chiles as follows. Pre-heat an oven to 350 degrees. Cut the chiles in half and remove the seeds and stems. Spritz with cooking spray and arrange on a baking sheet. Oven-roast the chilles for five minutes until they smell sweet and peppery. Remove from oven and put them in a medium-sized bowl. Fill the bowl with very hot tap water, and allow them to sit for 15-20 minutes to rehydrate.
Once the meat is braised, remove meat, then strain the liquid into a bowl, pressing the solids to get out excess liquid. Put the meat back into the pot.
Put half the liquid and all the chilles into a blender. Puree until smooth. Add more stock if necessary to keep the mixture the consistency of split pea soup. Strain though a double-mesh strainer into the pot. Pour the rest of the liquid through the strainer into the pot, to get the excess into the final product.
Add the rest of the ingredients to the pot. (If you’re using canned hominy, rinse it first to get rid of the “canned” taste.) Simmer for an hour at least.
At this point it’s ready to eat. There should be plenty of leftovers - this is good, as it tastes better after it sits overnight!
Serve with tortillas, limes, and the worst hangover you ever had.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.