Captain the yellow pegasus looked up at his mummah as she helped him fix his costume. Her name was Delilah and unbeknownst to him, she was an agent for the show and not his real mummah. She stared at him over fixing shiny silver boots, a black onesie and a silver cape into his back so that they all sat snugly and photogenically. The holes in the onesie felt tight around his wings but he could still open them to pose majestically for the flashy pictures. He waited patiently as she brushed his silver mane and tail.
Captain was the star of fluff TVâs latest wave of after school programming. Designed to be watched with children and fluffies alike. They were in the midst of filming a tie-in movie: âFwufftastic Friends: Captain is Missing!â (Production title) He didnât know where the rest of his team of mighty fluffy avengers were: Dash the fastest blue fluff on four legs with a yellow mane. Pwofessah, the magic black unicorn and tech sorceress with a white mane. Bull, a big red fluffy stronger than a hundwed munstahs. Or Chip, their trusty brown jet pilot.
The plot of the movie was simple. Captain would get kidnapped and taken to an underwawa lair where he would get brainwashed. While looking for him the trusty fluffjet would get crashed by Captain with Chip heroically getting forever sleepies to save the team from crashing in the big ocean wawa. (He was doing poorly with test audiences and was going to be replaced by a colorful filly) After a big battle sequence Professor would zap Captain and he would come to his senses. After briefly crying over the loss of the beloved Chip, Captain would unite the team and they would all band together against the true villain, Doctor Sorry Hoofsie who had âdiedâ at the end of season 1.
Since the movie only needed him for about a third of filming he was sent on a nationwide tour in a special vroom vroom box with his mummah to promote the show. Outside he heard the cheering of his excited fans. âAre you ready Cap?â Captain took a big breath with apprehension, but finally responded: âWeady!â He made uppies and she carried him to a special dog door at counter level on the other side of the trailer. She fixed a little hook to the back of his collar. âWhoâs ready for Captain Flufftastic?â The small crowd outside cheered.
Captain took that as his cue and trotted out. A second wave of cheers greeted him as he made his grand entrance. Kids chanted his name and the fluffies they carried with them shouted various catchphrases from the show. âGibe yuu speshaw hugs!â one mare managed to get out before security directed she and owner away. Maybe a crowd of a hundred was gathered in front of him. He was on a stage that folded out from the side of the trailer, decorated to look like Flufftropolis. The stage that he walked across decorated to look like a monorail track.
As he made it to the center of the stage he stood up on his back legs and began to wave to his adoring fans. âWell, Captain Flufftastic?â The nice announcer man asked him. âWhat do you have for us today?â Cap sat down like a good fluff and leaned into the talkie stick that was held out for him. âCaptain wawnts tuu singie a sowng fo yuu!â
The crowd, on cue with the announcer let out an âAwww!â This was word for word the opening of the TV show, so everyone involved had been conditioned to know the lines instinctively. He began to trot back and forth singing the theme song. It was mostly chorus but just in case, the speakers behind him played a canned recording too loudly for him to sing over.
The music stopped and was replaced by rumbling. âUh oh! I think someone didnât like your happy song.â A crowd of boos began to come from the crowd as a smoke blower filled the stage and a man in a green inflatable costume covered in cloth tassels walked on stage. Dun Dun Dun, the villain action music played as the act one villain of the new movie appeared. âLook, itâs the seaweed monster.â
Dis poopie again? Captain thought. He had already fought him a dozen times.
Hold on, pause. Oh, did I not make it clear. Captain really thinks heâs a superhero. He genuinely believes he can fly and his team of intrepid samaritans really do fight crime, and supervillains, and giant munstahs.
He didnât know why he couldnât always fly or why his laser villain didnât work, or why he couldnât punch through the trailer walls. His mummah just told him that there must be some of Doctor Sorry Hoofsieâs poopie crystals around.
An RC monorail began to drive across the stage from the far side, away from the monster. He let down a blow that stopped the train dead in its track. âPlease save us Captain Flufftastic!â The speaker behind played. As demended, He made a pose as he did every time before he flew in the show and his fishing line harness began to lift him. He delivered his signature catchprase, a line he couldnât screw up. âNuu am feaw! Captawn Fwufftawstic am hewe!â The crowd began to cheer.
Fortunately, fluffies could not see fishing line, something about it being transparent and the light, the same thing happened with fish. So, for the crowd of captivated fluffies, he truly was flying. The line swung him toward the costumed man and with his outstretched hooves he struck him, causing him to stagger over. As he swung around for another pass he delivered another blow. The munstah began to stagger again. On the third pass he landed his killing blow.
A series of sparklers shot off just at that moment like a classic Tokusatsu fight sequence. The parade confetti happened to shoot off at this exact moment. The launchers were not wired right for whatever reason. A short caused by fluffy pee, the warrantee of twenty maximum uses being exceeded, an error in the installation, or even some troublemaker messing with the wires for fun. Whatever the reason, the sparks managed to light the paper streamers on fire as they were launched in the air.
Buring rainbow colored tissue paper streamers arced across the crowd. They did not last very long before flashing out of existence but a few managed to land on the closest audience members. One streamer managed to tangle around the string suspending captain melting his harness and causing him to plummet down to the stage. He came in like a plane without landing gear and flipped over a few times as he skidded across the stage.
As he righted himself and looked around, he saw the crowd panicking. The humans had mostly kept their composure. But fluffies began to frantically squeeze from their ownersâ grips, tumbling to the ground as they screamed âScawy Buwnies! Sabe fwuffy!â, before trying to run away through the maze of legs. This began to cause a trample as panicked children began to grab for their fluffies, many wearing branded accessories to look like their favorite characters from the show. A few children squeezed their fluffies tightly to keep from dropping them. One blue stallion dressed like Dash managed to squeak out âPwease. Nuu. Bad. Huggies.â As his ribs cracked.
One of the fluffies miraculously ignited from the burning streamer that landed on him. His mummah, in the front row, screeched in fear before tossing the fluffy away. The burning brown foal, wearing Chipâs pilot hat had hit the stage hard. The fire spread from his rear hoof across his flank, and he cried in fear. He tried to move his weggies but they wouldnât listen. He looked up and hope immediately replaced his terror. Captain standing up right in front of him. He would save him!
âPwease! Sabe babbeh!â The talkie baby meekly cried. Cap looked down at the burning foal, he wanted to run away in fear, but he was Captain Flufftastic! He had to think of something. His fweezy bweath! Cap walked up to the foal and announced âHab nuu feaw! Iâww sabe yuu! Wid muh Fweezy Bweath!â He took a giant breath in and began to let out a big Huuu at the foal. The fire didnât stop, now spreading to the foalâs back. He forced the last of the air out of his lungs before sputtering. He watched as the foalâs expression went from one of hope to confusion.
Captain couldnât think of anything else. The foal reached out for him now with one of his legs. He managed to get it to move. As he raised it up it gave the fire a perfect vector to climb. His entire hoof became engulfed in flames. Captain recoiled in terror. He couldnât do anything else, and he didnât want burnie hurties either. He felt sick to his stomach smelling the burning foalâs flesh. âSowwy.â Cap mumbled to the screeching candle. He turned away to run. The sick feeling in his stomach overwhelmed him and manifested as sorry poopies. A spray of liquid shit splashed over the charcoal briquette as Cap ran back towards his trailer door. Delilah burst out just then with a fire extinguisher to spray Captain down. It was a CO2 extinguisher, and the sudden lack of oxygen caused him to black out.
âGood Evening America, Iâm Dallas Wanamakerâ The newscaster began âand Iâm Juanita Alvaroâ his cohost followed. âOur first story tonight. A little hero with a big heart! Why donât you tell us about it Juanita?â âThatâs right Dallas. Earlier today, during a promotional roadshow for the upcoming Flufftastic Friends movie, tragedy struck, but one quick thinking fluffy jumped to action and saved the day.â Dallas took back over âAs some of our audience may know, Flufftastic Friends is the afterschool show on Fluff TV sweeping the nation. Flufftastic Friends stars a team of Superhero Fluffies as they protect the city of Flufftropolis from assorted monsters and disasters.â
Juanita took back over âThatâs right Dallas. And one of those fluffies isnât just a hero on the big screen. The main hero of the show âCaptainâ rushed to the rescue after a pyrotechnic mishap and saved a foal from certain death. Some hug boxers may find this footage disturbing to watch:â Arial footage of the scene began to play; it looked like it was taken from a second floor across the street from the show. âAn anonymous web denizen posted this footage of the event online this morning shortly after the incident.â
The scene played out with a birds eye view, zooming in and out of focus on Cap as he walks up to the burning foal, tried to blow, then turned around showering the foal in liquid diarrhea miraculously extinguishing the fire. âWow Juanita, he truly is a hero! And you can see more of him this Christmas in theaters with the rest of the team as they save the day once again!â
A brief trailer of the movie plays. âCaptaiwn am missiwng?â The team asks in unison. A search montage plays. Deceptively edited footage to make it look like the seaweed monster is the final villain of the movie. Captain says his signature catchphrase. And then it cuts back to the newscasters.
Juanita continued without a beat, âThe owners of the burned foal said they unfortunately canât handle the medical cost or special needs of caring for a disabled foal in a household with small children but decided to put him up for adoption instead of euthanasia. According to the father, Captain gave him a second chance and so should they.â A clip of a man with a blurred-out face began to play. ââLook, heâs a precious little ball of love with a lot of love to give and if Captain gave him a second chance then so should we.â
Another video clip begins to play. A burned brown foal wrapped in gauze with an IV in his hoof is laying on a wash towel on a metal examination table. He is wearing a brand-new Chip branded hat. Across the bottom of the screen his name is attributed as âChip âJrââ He struggled to force out words to the camera âCapdaiwn am weaw hewooâŚâ
Dallas took over now. âFluff TV has decided to cover the medical bills for Chip but he still needs a new mommy or daddy that can take care of his special needs. You can find out more about Chip Junior and fluffies in need just like him by visiting the ASPCF website or by calling the number on the screen.â
Juanita set out their transition âNext up, top ten toys this holiday season, and why experts say you shouldnât buy them. And later Poopie Herds, fact or fiction? But first, our sponsors.â They cut to commercial, and Juanita immediately broke out a cigarette. âMore fluffies? I hate the little shits. We should be doing real stories, I went to college for this.â It paid the bills.
Well, I originally was going to make this like 5 paragraphs but I just kept having ideas to add and the extended newscast at the end. This originally began as an idea for a parade float mishap for Dancie Babies but came too late for Thanksgiving and turned into a Paw Patrol spoof. Let me know if my writing is too verbose.
Also, Iâll write a story for the first person to catch my easter egg.