You’re doing nothing this morning, not weekend tho, just happens every day feels the same when you’re unemployed.
The singularity might not have arrived but mass automation sure did and now even burger flippers like you are being phased-out.
You get a link to a new tiktok user from a friend.
@Cash4Fluffies is the name, another “financial advice” guy who seems to make most of his money from videos than from his own advice. Coincidentally your buddy already lost the house his parents left him by going yolo on glitchcoin and some DeFi scam that literally ended with its anonymous creators posting “lol we got your money faggots” on the official twitter account. The whitepaper? plagiarized. The team pictures? random stock photos, but your friend and the thousands of other chumps who got into it couldnt be bothered to reverse-search those.
But you got nothing else to do anyway, your Sega Gencast (they got back at doing consoles after Sony went broke) its two generations behind so you’re missing out on all the new games. Your car’s lithium cells are older than you and your rent its due soon.
So you start looking at the short videos, what else you gonna do?
And so it begins…
[shitty copyright-free music sounds in the background]
“Hey y’all this is your boy Markifluff telling you how to get PAID with fluffies!”
Shoot of a generic vending machine outside an automated laundromat.
“Now see this? you think its a foal-in-a-can machine right? WRONG! this is my vending machine!”
Video now goes to his garage
“Dumb people buy a FoalCan franchise, SMART people like me just buy an old vending machine, clean it up, change the shit boomer wood vynil for a pink one and its done, check it out”
“And here is how I make my own canned foals” -he says now inside his car
Pulls a cardboard box with chinese words on it from the passenger seat.
Shows a green boxcutter opening the box.
Inside there are a bunch of new foal cans.
“You can get these from alibaba, tons of suppliers who make these after all its just an old pneumatic container with a rubber nipple, they even got these pink ones that match the fluffy theme on my machine”
A view of Fluffmart from inside his car.
“Every monday morning these guys get new loads of chirpies. Because many die on the way they get an extra bunch shipped just in case but most of the time they get excess inventory instead and shipping those back its expensive so you can buy tens of fresh chirpies in bulk for pennies each”
Now he’s walking back from fluffmart with a box. Once he places it in the back seat you can see it looks like a box for glass cups but in each compartment instead of a cup there’s a chirpy foal wriggling around. A white block with emojis showing on top.
“Do NOT let them give you a regular box aight? else these things can break on the way back”
Back to his garage.
“Now you have to carefully void these things, be real careful dawg because these chirpies are weak af! check it out”
He takes a brown one and squishes it slightly too hard, and its innards instantly shoot out from its ass and mouth as another white block with emojis shows on top.
“No biggie since its a shit-brown one but you wouldn’t want to do it to this hot pink one”-he says while holding said foal on his hand, the foal chirping while hugging his thumb.
“Now that its empty you cork it, you can use these plugs I got at Wal-Depot”-he says as holding a bag full of plastic pieces
“Factories use tools for this, but if you’re careful you can do it by hand, watch!”
He slowly pushes the plug into a teal pegasus’ anus, it emits a tiny “EEP!” then gets put into a mat and it squirms trying to hug its behind.
Cut to a shot of all the foals voided and corked.
“Aight now we prepare the miwkies, you can get dry miwkie powder in bulk from the internet, do NOT get the chinese stuff tho, its full of melamine and will kill them in a couple days”
He pours the powder from the bag into a blender.
“Now you add this”
He takes another bag
“Methylcellulose, its what keeps the things from shitting too much, nobody is going to buy them if the can its full of turds”
He pours the content, then adds water and blends everything.
“For me the best ratio is 4 parts methylcellulose and 6 parts miwkie powder, if you go lower they will shit themselves, if you go higher they will explode from the pressure”
He takes a pipette and sucks some of the mixture.
“Now you take every chirpie and feed it”
He grabs a purple unicorn and it drinks from the pipette a for a few seconds.
“If they don’t take the miwkies then don’t can them, they will die within hours and rot inside the can, you don’t want that!”
A view of an empty table, he snaps his fingers and it cuts to the same table now full of cans standing up with the miwkies reservoir full.
“Now we are ready, all you have to do is unscrew this end and gently place every chirpie inside”
All cans are now in a couple racks in the backseat of his car, the foals can be seen moving inside, a few already drinking from the nipple.
A series of shots of his trip back to the machine.
POV view of him opening the machine with his key. Inside its mostly empty except for five cans in the bottom left.
“Most of the time they are all gone but sometimes you get a few old ones”
Two are dead, one a bloater, the other an exploder. Bunch of emojis.
The other three are still alive but so full of shit they look like living balloons.
He moves his camera closer.
“Huuu, can’t breathies!”
“WET OUT!WET OUT!WET OUT!HUUUUUUUUUU!”
He takes the cans out into a black garbage bag.
“We’ll deal with that later”
A stop motion sequence of the machine getting filled with cans.
He ten pulls the cash tray.
“Look at all this money! and from just 2 hours of work!” -he says enthusiastically while he empties the tray into a pouch.
He closes the machine, there’s a sound of the internal fan kicking in.
“If you live in a cold area remember to add a heater during winter. It will cost a bit but its cheaper than an entire batch turning into popsicles like this”
A quick clip of some other guy opening a machine outside some convenience store while its snowing. All the foals inside are frozen, some look like sleeping but many are contorted in horror from being unable to escape their cans to form a fluffpile for warm.
“Now the machine its ready, I only restock it once a week, after all that’s how long these things inside will last. Most are sold during the first couple days as people like chirpies more”
Now he’s walking towards a red biobin, black bag in hand.
He opens it, takes a can with one of the dead foals, opens the can then casually tosses the dead foal back inside the bag where it lands with an audible SPLAT!, then carefully places the can in a box.
“Don’t drop these cans else it shatters and you cant use it again”
The video accelerates as he does the same with the rest of the foals and cans, then the speed goes back to normal, he ties the bag shut opens the bin and toss it inside.
“NUUU! NU WEAVE BAB-”
“The foals might be waste but you can still rinse and refill the cans, no need to waste money”
Now he’s back at his house, takes the money he collected in the pouch and places the bills on a machine and the coins on another then turns them up and numbers go up in the screen as the motors inside spin bills and coins around.
“Check-it-out: $275.43 a week! and you can do it too!”
Same crappy copyright-free music plays again as Markifluff’s logo fills the screen before it fades out and it ends only to automatically start playing again.
You slide to the next video…