It had been a hectic week at work. After constant projects, micro-managing bosses and needy clients I finally got my well needed time off. Following what felt like a lifetime in the office I needed fresh air. I drove to the nearest bodega, got their signature special hero sandwich and iced tea, and headed to the park to eat in the open air.
Their signature sandwich had everything, even the stuff I didn’t like. It didn’t seem right to order their special and alter their recipe so I picked out the generous portions of tomatoes and pickles found within. I then wrapped them in a napkin and placed them at my side to toss later. I had just opened the e-reader on my phone to catch up on reading when I heard it.
“Mistuh?”
I looked down. I should have known I would encounter at least one. It was a pale green fluffy with a brown mane. A poopie mare. She looked up at me with sorry eyes.
“Can fwuffy pwease have nummies dat mistuh no wan?” Her eyes darted to the wrapped napkin at my side.
Under most conditions I would have told it to fuck off. However, this one was polite. It wasn’t demanding “sketties”. All it asked for was that which I was not going to eat anyway. No impolite demands. Nothing unreasonable. Dammit, I can’t help but appreciate good manners and be affected by a cute sad face. I’m not made of stone.
“Sure.” I sad, handing it the bundle wrapped in napkins.
Her eyes lit up. “Thank ou, nice mistuh!” she said. She picked up the bundle in her mouth and walked off. Well, that was a fairly painless and surprisingly not annoying encounter. Time to read my book.
“Skreeeeeee!”
What the fuck? I turned around to see what was going on. My little green friend had been kicked in her side by a red unicorn fluffy.
“Dummeh poopie!” the red fluffy yelled. “Dis is smawtie’s pawk! Poopie no get nummies! Poopie only num poopies an enfies!” It then started eating the bundle of cast-offs that I had given to the good-mannered fluffy. This was not going to fly. I wolfed down the final bites of my sandwich and walked over to the two fluffies.
“Hu-hu-hu!” my little green friend was sobbing. “Fwuffie no wan eat mo poopies!” I stood over the pair. The red smarty (god, I hate how they called themselves that) looked up at me, puffing his cheeks.
“Dummeh hooman! Give smawtie home an sketties o ou get wostest hurties!” I will never understand how these creatures think they pose a credible threat.
“Yes, Smarty!” I said, feigning fear that anyone smarter than a fluffy would not take seriously. “I’ll take you home! You can have sketties! Please don’t hurt me!” The stupid shit-rat bought it, of course. The dumb fucker couldn’t understand the concept of deception. My time off was going to get interesting. “We should bring the poopie with us. That way we can give her the worst hurties and enfies!”
The stupid red shit laughed at this. “Bwing poopie! Smawtie wan many enfies!” The poor little green mare sobbed at this. I felt bad for her fear, but I knew things were about to get better for her. I picked her up, and led the stupid smarty to my car. I let the smarty get comfortable in my front seat as I put the poopie in my trunk.
“Stay quiet and relax….” I said, gently stroking her back. “You’ll get lots of nummies and sketties if you’re quiet.” She looked up me, hopeful as I closed the trunk. I got in the drivers seat. I looked at the dipshit in my passenger seat. “I’m taking us to your house, Mr. Smarty. I promise lots of nummies! Please don’t hurt me!”
“Dummeh hooman!” it squeaked at me. “Give smawtie all sketties or get sowwy poopies!” I started the car, giving it the most insincere whimpers and shivers I could. This week off was going to be fun……
