"Chris and Lavender: What If...?" by NobodyAtAll

Chris Oldman often complained about the direction his life had taken him.

His fluffy having Syndrome-P53, the woman of his dreams never noticing him, and oh yeah, dying, going to Hell, and becoming a demon.

It was all his fault. Lavender having Syndrome-P53 wasn’t his fault, but how he chose to handle it definitely was.

Deston would have helped him fluffy-proof his fence if Chris had just asked.

So yeah, everything went wrong for Chris, and he deserved it.

But, in another timeline, Chris got everything that he wanted.

Let’s see how that unfolds, shall we?


We start with Chris, taking the young Lavender to the park for the first time.

In this timeline, sweet little Lavender doesn’t have Syndrome-P53.

So, none of the other fluffies at the park try to kill her.

Mark doesn’t tell Chris to take Lavender home and lock her up, and Deston doesn’t call Chris.

Chris and Judy’s conversation isn’t interrupted. Chris successfully talks Judy out of buying a fluffy from Dave Weissman.

“Chris, you’re absolutely right. I’ll go to Flufftopia instead.”

“See? I’m just fulla good ideas.”

As a result, neither Blueberry nor Snowball will be owned by Judy in this timeline. Snowball is still at Facility B-34 at this point in time, with her family.

Judy gets a different fluffy instead, but… oh, it doesn’t matter.

You’ll find out why later.

Chris also works up the courage to ask Judy out, and Judy accepts.

Because in this timeline, Chris isn’t a self-sabotaging alcoholic sex addict, and has been avoiding staring at Judy’s cleavage.


Some time later, Calvin Korkea takes his new fluffies to the park.

Since Chris and Judy are having lunch together, Calvin spends his time sitting on a bench alone, smoking a few spliffs, watching his two foals play.

“I can’t help but feel like something is missing.


A month or so later, Judy moves in with Chris.

Things have been moving fast. It’s the same day that Judy would have been moving in with Calvin in Timeline-1989, what some would foolishly call the main timeline.

That’s Timeline-1, people. That Calvin is head of the One Man Army.

Chris is still living in his house near Calvin’s apartment building, because in this timeline, he had no reason to impale fluffies in his garden.

Lavender has gotten close with Judy’s stallion, and they’ve become special friends.

The two fluffies pull a Dave on Chris’ couch, just like Piccolo and Snowball would have done.


Things reach a turning point some time after the move.

Around the time that Snowball would have been giving birth to Piccolo’s foals.

Instead, it’s Lavender giving birth.

Things are fine at first.

The litter is healthy, Lavender feeds them all.

But a few days later, on one certain morning, Lavender goes full bitch.

“Wavendew nu wan dummeh kibbew! Wavender wan sketties! Dummeh daddeh gu git Wavendew sketties nao!”

Chris sighs.

“It’s not sketties day, Lavender. Now feed your foals. All of them. Stop spoiling the one who looks like you.”

“Wavendew nu cawe. Wavendew nu wub dummeh babbehs.”

Judy, watching TV with her fluffy, calls to Chris from the living room.

He turns around for thirty seconds.

When he looks back, Lavender has stomped all but her bestest babbeh to death, and is now making bad poopies on the floor.

frrrrt

When she’s done, she turns around, aiming at Chris.

“An dis am wut Wavendew fink abowt dummeh daddeh!”

frrrrrrrrt

She sprays sorry poopies at Chris, splattering his legs.

And Chris snaps.

STOMP

squish

“Bestest babbeh! Nu!”

“FUCK YOUR FOAL, FUCK YOUR SHIT, AND FUCK YOU, LAVENDER!!!”

STOMP

CRACKLE

“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

STOMP

CRACKLE

“SCREEEE-- gurgle

When Judy walks over, hearing the noise, she doesn’t look happy.

“What the fuck, Chris?”


A few hours later, Judy has called some friends. The nice lesbian couple she knows.

They packed up all of Judy’s things, and she moved out, taking her fluffy with her.

She’ll be staying with Claire and Arnalda for the time being. They’ve got space for both of their guests.

Chris, completely inconsolable, gets drunk and starts wandering around the neighborhood, not wanting to deal with what he did this morning.

On the way, he runs into an bald old man who is obviously in a hurry.

“Excuse me, I need to get to that apartment buildi–”

Chris, being 110% done, pushes the old man into the street, and the old man is hit by a truck and dies on impact.

HONK

Merde–

WHAM

That was Pierre’s real body, by the way.

Chris passes a certain apartment building, the one the old man was heading to, and hears a certain sound above him.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM


Chris looks up, though his vision is blurry.

It looks like something exploded several floors up.

The fire’s spreading quickly.

Two charred fluffy corpses were flung out of the apartment as it exploded.

The corpses landed several blocks away.

Someone jumps out of the ruined apartment, landing in front of Chris.

The person turns to Chris.

He’s got messy, long brown hair in a ponytail and burning red eyes. He’s grinning wildly. He looks like he’s white girl wasted on power.

The man laughs.

“Holy shit, this feels fucking amazing! I’m a fucking god now!”

Chris, being drunk, isn’t sure this is actually happening.

He feels like he’s seen this guy around the neighborhood, but they’ve never really spoken.

Until now.

This will be their only interaction in this timeline.

“Wh’t f’ls am’zin’?”

The other man gets up close to Chris, still grinning, like a shark who has just cornered a goldfish.

“Do you really wanna know?”

Chris nods, sealing his fate.

SKLURCH

Calvin punches through Chris’ chest, ripping his heart out and crushing it with superhuman strength.

As Chris’ dead body collapses to the sidewalk, those who have witnessed this event are screaming.

The screaming started when Calvin’s apartment was destroyed by his powers awakening.

As Calvin’s home burns to the ground, killing all of his former friends, he looks around, basking in the chaos he’s created.

He starts laughing as hard as he can.

“I’M GONNA FUCK THIS PLANET UP!!!”


As Calvin begins his rampage across the city, several blocks away, on the rooftop where Calvin would have reunited with the demonic Chris, several officers of the One Man Army walk out of a portal.

blop

The leader of the squad sent to Timeline-9891 to eliminate the rogue Calvin sighs, as the squad takes in the chaos now unfolding in the streets below.

“This is gonna be a tough one, boys.”

7 Likes

oh good gosh, Makes sense that Chis would still kinda be a prick and Snap easy, and that Judy would NOT take fluffy abuse.
Though… How would Calvin turn out so rough? Doesn’t he still have the choice to do good in him like Chaos says?
I’m so very curious over this

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Well, this version of Calvin goes on to become a recurring villain. Remember Cal mentioning Anti-Calvin to Ugly Sweater Guy? This is him. And this isn’t the last time he completely fucks a narrative up out of nowhere.

Anti-Calvin’s got his own section in the catalog, Public Enemy Number 9891. He narrates at least four of them himself. And he’s the main villain of the Multiverse Saga, and makes appearances in a lot of Sagas after that. If you like metafiction and/or crossovers, you’ll enjoy it.

If you like crossovers, you should check out the Inn Between Worlds series too. As I’ve said many times, I usually avoid naming names, because I like to see if readers can recognize the characters without names.

1 Like

Good gosh! i’ll have to go read those to see how anti-calvin managed to go all dark mode on us!

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Yeah, your journey through the looking glass has only just begun. Calvin and the ChaotiX is the meat and potatoes of the NobodyAtAll Literary Universe, most of the important stuff happens there.

By the time you’re done, I think you’ll realise that there were a lot of callbacks in Ugly Sweater Guy’s stories. As I said, he’s a latecomer to the madness, and no offence, but so are you.

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its quite fun being a little late and already knowing how some things unfolded, Jeff was a good introduction to all of this!

1 Like