Warning: spoilers for the Resurrection of Dehak Saga.
You are Lavender, and you’re having a great time right now!
There’s a big Cwis-mus party at the Skoow, and your family is invited too!
That includes little Nardos, your newest babbeh with Oak.
He looks like a little you, but with a hornie instead of wingies, like Oak.
But you didn’t choose Nardos to stay because he looks like you.
You chose him to stay because Oak caught him doing the floaty thing on a baww.
It was a small baww for babbehs, and Nardos only lifted it a little bit off the ground, but still, it means that he has powahs, so he’ll need someone to twain him.
And really, who could twain him better than his mummah?
You’ve been doing the floaty thing for a long time, after all.
You’re still not entirely sure what a “Folk-waggun” is. You know it’s a kind of caw, but you don’t know how to tell the difference between all the different kinds of caws.
Hoomins.
Why do they need so many different kinds of caws?
However, you are pretty sure you could use the floaty thing on a Folk-waggun without booboo-juice coming out of your nosie.
After throwing that twuck at your old munstah daddeh, lifting a Folk-waggun should be easy, right?
Maybe you should ask Bella what a Folk-waggun looks like. Her mummahs work with caws a lot.
You don’t think it’s weird that she has two mummahs.
After all, not only is it not the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen, hoo boy, not by a long shot, you’ve got two daddehs.
Even though your daddehs are bwuddahs, not special friends, so it’s not exactly the same.
But it doesn’t matter to you how many hoomin daddehs and/or mummahs a fluffy has.
What matters to you is that hoomins love their fluffies.
Other than that, things have been peaceful on the fawm.
But the Kay-oh-tiks had another miss-shun not long ago, in Dwak-oh-nee-yah.
You were in Dwak-oh-nee-yah for the big Fess-tih-vaw, so you saw the bad wich Dehak show up and take over the place with a magic lamp that granted wishies.
He destroyed the cass-uw, and replaced it with a big towah with a boney head on top.
He was really scary-looking, so you were kinda glad that mistah Cal told the Kay-oh-tiks to go home.
You missed the miss-shun, because you were a soon-mummah at the time. But you heard all about it afterwards.
There were a bunch of big scary darkie munstahs, and mistah Eddy gave a dwagon forever sleepies.
Apparently, he’s actually a kingie who went forever sleepies and was born again as mistah Eddy.
Like how Blueberry used to be miss Judy’s fluffy before he went forever sleepies.
Mistah Eddy was really saddies while Dehak was in charge of Dwak-oh-nee-yah. Because Dehak had captured miss Nadia, and even you can tell that mistah Eddy and miss Nadia really like each other.
Of course, you can feel how much they like each other.
And you could feel how saddies mistah Eddy was about miss Nadia being captured.
He was about as saddies as mistah Cal was when mistah Scott went forever sleepies.
You don’t want to know how saddies mistah Eddy would have been if miss Nadia went forever sleepies.
You’d probably be able to feel those saddies from the fawm.
Right now, you’re in the big roomie called the Paw-tee Zone, sitting on a cowch with Nardos, telling him about all the different hoomins, fluffies and, um… otherwise in the Kay-oh-tiks.
When you arrived with your family, mistah Cal gave you a santy hat. It’s red and white, with a funny poofball.
You like it, but you can’t help but wonder if they make those hats in purple.
And you’ve got a plate of cookies with you. They look like little snow-hoomins, like the big one you saw on the way in.
You could feel that mistah Olaf and Zamorozit were hiding inside the snow-hoomin, but you decided not to tell anyone.
It didn’t seem like your business.
You point a hoof at mistah Pwommy, talking to miss Valerie. He’s got a little metal munstah that looks like a tee-wecks, but a lot nicer than a real tee-wecks.
You’ve been to Pwai-maw Uwf a few times by now, for Kay-oh-tiks stuff, which is how you know what a tee-wecks is.
It’s not your favorite place to visit, and you wouldn’t go there alone.
“Dat am mistah Pwommy. He am a woh-but. Am wike a hoomin, but made of metaw. Am vewy nice. An dat am miss Vaw, an she am mistah Pwommy…”
What was the word again? Ah, yes.
“…kwee-ay-tow.”
“Wut am dat, mummah?”
You concentrate, trying to remember how mistah Prommy explained it.
“She am wike mistah Pwommy mummah, but she nu had biggest poopies. She made mistah Pwommy in a wab.”
“Wab? Wike a bawkie fwend?”
You giggle as you shake your head.
“Nu, a wab am a pwace whewe hoomins du sai-yuns. Dat meen wings wike makin woh-buts, an, um… oh!”
You nudge your blooper cowwaw.
“Makin fings wike dis.”
You use the floaty thing on a cookie, floating it to your mouth so you can num it.
“num num num”
Nardos tries to do the same, but his floaty thing isn’t as strong as yours yet.
As you see him straining, trying to make the cookie float, you decide to do something before he accidentally makes poopies.
So you float the cookie up instead.
snap
And it breaks in half.
snap
Then the halves break into smaller halves. What’s the hoomin word? Oh yeah, kwaw-tuws.
You float one of the pieces into Nardos’ mouth for him.
He doesn’t need milkies anymore, and you aren’t making milkies anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t give him nummies.
“um num num Fank yu mummah num num num”
“Yu am wew-come, Nawdos, but nu tawkies wif yu mouf fuww.”
Your other daddeh and your auntie Amy walk over, sitting on the couch next to you.
You see them holding glassies of eggie-noggie.
You know what that is, because your mummah makes it every Cwis-mus.
It’s very yummy, but every time you have some, you spend the rest of the bwite time stumbling around, bumping into stuff.
Daddeh says that you’re a very funny dwunk.
And not as mean as your old munstah daddeh was when he was dwunk. You still remember what it was like, after he came back from Amm-stew-dam.
It was bad enough when he was just drinking siwwy wawas.
Apparently, after he went forever sleepies, he became a dee-mun by drinking dee-mun booboo-juice. That’s the first step of becoming a dee-mun, dok-tow Deston said.
Drinking just kept getting your old munstah daddeh into trouble, didn’t it?
So you don’t usually drink siwwy wawas, because you’re scared it might make you a munstah too.
You look up at your other daddeh.
“Whewe am da uddas?”
“Les, Helen and Keith are chatting to the Morris Clan, Klaus is down in the cells going Jacob Marley on Umbra, Jim, the crazy bastard, is outside making snow angels with Samuel, who just couldn’t resist, and the rest of the fluffies are in there.”
He points at an open door, leading to a big saferoom. You can see lots of the Kay-oh-tiks fluffies in there.
Scarface is talking to Bella. She’s not in the Kay-oh-tiks, but one of her mummahs is.
However, you can’t help but notice that your other daddeh left someone out.
Two someones, actually.
“An James an Wiwah?”
Your other daddeh’s face turns reddies, and he looks away.
“James? Ah, well…”
You look where he’s looking, floating up with your floaty thing.
And you see James under the miss-uw-toe, with miss Eira, who is giving him a big kissie.
Lilah is watching, her mouth hanging open, and you can feel that she’s too shocked to be angry right now.
You float back down onto the couch, pretending that you didn’t just see that.
“Mummah? Wut am–”
You give Nardos a warning look.
“Nu awsk, Nawdos. Nu awsk.”
Fortunately, he can’t look into people’s minds like you can.
Yet.
Uncle Klaus walks over, in his hoomin form.
“Alright, my part in the plan is done. Now it’s up to the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Yet To Come.”
Auntie Amy takes a sip of eggie-noggie.
“So are the Ghosts going to be the real deal, Klaus? Or just Cal and the Faucheuse brothers under a glamour?”
“That is an excellent question, Amy. I’m totally not leaping on a convenient excuse to change the subject, but what is up with Eira tonight?”
Your other daddeh laughs, grabbing a cookie. You don’t mind letting him have one.
Sharing is caring, you’ve heard some hoomins say.
“I think she’s trying to kiss the entire ChaotiX in one night. Or at least, the, ah, non-fluffy parts of the ChaotiX. I think she might have misunderstood a few things about Christmas traditions, but, to be fair, Christmas isn’t a thing on Primal Earth.”
Auntie Amy grins.
“It’s not a thing on Magicca, either, but you don’t see Nadia pouncing on anyone who gets close to the mistletoe, do you?”
“Ames, you and I both know that she’s got a specific target in mind. I doubt she’d complain if events conspired to put her under the mistletoe with Eddy.”
Your other daddeh gives uncle Klaus a meaningful look, and he shrugs.
“What are you looking at me for, Chris? I’m a nephilim, not Cupid. Do you see a bow on me?”
“So is he real too?”
“Classified information, Chris. Sorry.”
“Wut abowt Santy–”
“Also classified information, Lav. And there’s a good reason it’s classified.”
“It’s not because he’s actually Satan, is it? I mean, Santa and Satan are anagrams…”
“No, he’s not Satan. You’re not the first mortal to ask, bro. But I can’t really go any further into it than that. Let’s just say that if you did a bit of research on the history of Santa, Christmas and Yuletide traditions, you’d get some of the answers. There’s a reason Santa wears red and white.”
“Huh. Definitely gonna ask James. He reads a lot. A lot more than Bad James did. Les told me that he thinks Bad James probably would have flunked out of college if he hadn’t… y’know.”
“Pffft. Nobody really talks about that anymore. These days, the name James Oldman is associated with demon hunting, not school shooting.”
“Yeah, I had to deal with that too. By the time me and Amy showed up, my counterpart also had a reputation as a murderer. Ames here had the easiest time. Her counterpart wasn’t a murderer, but a victim.”
Auntie Amy nods.
“It took my family a while to get used to me being back. And it’s going to get weird when I die, because there’s already a me Up There.”
Uncle Klaus chuckles.
“Don’t worry, Amy. Time works differently on the Other Side. These kinds of things can be sorted out. It’ll make sense when you get there. It’s all very Zen.”
“And if I asked you to elaborate, you’d say it’s classified information, wouldn’t you.”
“Again, I’m sorry. It’s a bad idea for the living to know too much about the Other Side. It can be dangerous if the living fixate on the afterlife. It keeps them from living this life. It’s not just about the destination. Every step of the journey matters.”
“Hewe an nao, we am awive.”
“Right, Lav! Where’d you hear that?”
“Fwom Mawwey.”
“He’s a wise little guy. This isn’t a game, Lav. Remember that. You too, Nardos. Not everyone gets to be reincarnated or become a nephilim when they die. Most people only get one life. It should be a good one. So here’s hoping what Umbra goes through tonight will make a difference.”
Your other daddeh laughs.
“Bro, he’s on his fourth chance and he still hasn’t changed. I doubt he’ll learn anything tonight. Honestly, it’s kinda weird that we’ve got Umbra in the basement.”
“Don’t forget about Harvey and Deedee.”
“Yeah, but Umbra’s the one we’ve all got history with. Pretty much everyone here has had their lives affected by him in one way or another.”
Auntie Amy nods.
“He’s got that in common with Cal. Those two… they’ve got a whole thing.”
“Wavendew stiww wan tu hab a wowdsie wif Umbwa.”
Your other daddeh strokes your fluff.
“Really? If you don’t mind my asking, Lav… why?”
“Wavendew wan knu wai Umbwa am su bad. An Wavendew wan Umbwa side of da stowy. Dewe am too sides tu ev-wee stowy, wite?”
“Well, yeah, but… look, we’ll run it by Cal, but not tonight. Or tomorrow. After New Year’s, maybe.”
“Otay, daddeh.”
“And you’re not going in there alone. Umbra might have a gold bracelet on, but he’s still an evil bastard who hates all other fluffies.”
“Wavendew fink dat wut Umbwa weawwy hate am bein a fwuffy.”
Your other daddeh takes another sip of eggie-noggie.
“Well, duh. Look at how obsessed with getting a human body he’s always been. He’s a fluffy who doesn’t want to be a fluffy.”
Uncle Klaus nods.
“Yeah, he told me so many times that I should have been grateful that he never stole my body. He said that he didn’t even want to think about what my liver looked like. He forced me to quit drinking after he, ahem, hired me. And only because he needed me to be sober to serve him.”
“If it wasn’t for him, we might not be here. There might not have been a void for us to fill. See what I mean, bro? Umbra’s affected all of us in one way or another.”
“But dis nu am abowt Umbwa. Nawdos, yu wan anudda cookie?”
“Yus pwease, mummah.”
As you float another piece of cookie into Nardos’ mouth, your other daddeh pets him.
“Sorry for leaving you out of the conversation, buddy.”
“It am awwite. Nawdos nu wuz pay-in atten-shun, cuz Nawdos wuz wookin at awwa da nu-hoomins. Hu am dat?”
Nardos points a hoof at mistah Socrates, who is holding a Cwis-mus cwack-ew with mistah Zorn.
“Dat am mistah Soc-wah-tees an mistah Zown. Dey mite wook wike hoomins, but dey am ack-shu-awwy dwaaks. Dey am dawkie munstahs, but dey am nice dawkie munstahs.”
“Munstahs can be nice?”
You nod.
“Jus cuz dey am munstahs, it nu meen dey am bad. Mistah Caw say, it nu am abowt wut yu am, it am abowt wut yu du.”
You’ve already told Nardos a lot about mistah Cal.
After all, mistah Cal is your bestest hoomin friend, and you’re proud to call him your baws.
Just as you’re thinking about mistah Cal, he walks in with mistah Chaos, Marley, Loki, and Eris.
When mistah Chaos sees you, he chuckles.
“Feliz Navidad, dear Lavender! That means Merry Christmas, before you ask. And that’s a fortuni hat you’re wearing!”
“Fank yu, mistah Kay-ohs. Wavendew kinna wish dat it wuz–”
Suddenly, before you can even finish the sentence, your santy hat turns purple, and mistah Chaos chuckles again.
“I knew what you were about to say, Lav. Purple is a good color on you. Speaking of…”
Then, just as suddenly, his yellow and purple clothies turn red and green.
“Now this little ensemble of mine is sufficiently festive. Of course, I look good in any color. Even octarine. Yes, I can see it too. I’m Chaos, that’s how!”
Mistah Cal laughs.
“You’d think someone would have told me about octarine sooner. I think at least a quarter of the ChaotiX can see it.”
“It’s hard to describe to people who can’t see it, dearest Cal. How would you describe red to someone who was born blind?”
“Fair enough, Chaos. All I know is that it’s not black. I think I might enroll at C.U., learn a couple of basic household spells. Then I can see octarine.”
“Pwus, daddeh nu haf da powah tu cwean stuff.”
“Hey, you’ve seen me using my powers around the apartment.”
“Wike howdin up da cowch su mummah can vak-yoom unda it.”
You giggle.
“Wavendew du dat tuu, wif da fwoaty fing.”
Mistah Cal laughs again.
“Yeah, telekinesis has all kinds of uses. Like this.”
He waves his handsie, and one of the cookies floats into his handsie.
You certainly don’t mind mistah Cal helping himself.
There’s still a lot of cookies on the plate.
As mistah Cal takes a num, he turns to uncle Klaus.
“So have you had your little chat with Umbra?”
“Yup. I didn’t like pretending to be Number Two, but I’m curious to see how this plays out.”
“Wait, how wut pway owt?”
Mistah Cal winks at you.
“Let’s just say that Umbra won’t be getting a lot of sleep tonight.”
“Am he gunna be wait-in fow Santy?”
“Close, but no cigar. Didn’t Klaus tell you, Lav? Tonight, Umbra’s going full Dickens.”
He nums another piece of his cookie.
“I just wanted to dye his fluff green and wake him up with You’re A Mean One, Mr. Grinch on full blast.”
Your other daddeh raises an eyebrow.
“Which version? Boris Karloff, Jim Carrey, or Tyler, the Creator?”
Mistah Cal shrugs.
“Yes. And it was actually Thurl Ravenscroft who sang the 1966 version, by the way.”
“Really? Huh. Ya learn something new every day.”
“I made that mistake too, Chris. Chaos, you want a cookie too? Chaos? Where’d he go?”
Mistah Cal looks around.
“Loki, did you see where he we–”
And his jaw drops when he turns to the miss-uw-toe.
You float up again, seeing miss Eira giving mistah Chaos kissies now.
How can mistah Chaos get kissies? He’s wearing a mask.
Although…
You know that mistah Chaos can look like whatever he wants to look like.
So that mask might actually be his face.
Mistah Cal shrugs again.
“Eh, it’s Christmas, I can’t be bothered to be bothered about this. Mar, you want some 'nog?”
“Suwe.”
“Aight.”
He gets up, and walks off with Marley.
Out of the corner of your see-place, you spot mistah Jack and mistah Konba leaving the Paw-tee Zone together.
What’s that about?