‘Another dumpster-dive rescue and bath? This channel is getting boring as fuck. You don’t even use the drill brush anymore.’
‘Snooze.’
‘kill urself hugboxxing faggots’
Derrick groaned as he read the comments on their latest video. Their veiws had been dropping and Lucas was getting increasingly annoying about it. He knew they were going to have to mix up their formula soon if they wanted to keep the channel viable.
Lucas threw open Derrick’s bedroom door. “You ready to go film?”
“Yeah, let’s go.”
◇◇◇
Lucas parked a few blocks away from the usual street- a part of downtown that had fewer apartments and more businesses. The boys hopped out and started patrolling the alleys.
“Hewp! Nu smeww pwetty!” a voice squeaked from a dumpster. Derrick rolled up his sleeves and rubbed a mint scented chapstick under his nose- he found it blocked the stench somewhat. Lucas grabbed his arm and shook his head.
“If we don’t find anything we can always come back, but man. The viewers are bored of dumpster fluffs.”
Derrick nodded and sighed, partially from relief of not having to dig through garbage. They carried on behind the shops and restaurants, Lucas grabbing footage of decomposing fluffy corpses, trash, and roaches. It’d add good flavor to the finished video or whatever.
“Huu huu…” a small, quiet sob came from behind a trash can. Lucas started filming and Derrick scooted the trash can out of the way.
There was a mint green pegasus fluffy sitting in an aluminum foil baking pan, submerged in a thick yellow gunk. In front of the tray was a can of sketti-style wet food. It looked like a diy glue trap, scaled up for fluffies. All four of its legs were stuck firmly in the goop and feces was piled behind it.
Derick leaned down and examined the trap. He pulled on the fluffy’s hind leg to try to get it out of the glue only to trigger a louder, more pained cry. “Owies! Meany goo nu wet fwuffy gu! Huu huu!”
Derrick turned to Lucas. “I don’t think we can get this thing out.”
Lucas shrugged. “Let’s take it back to the shop then.”
◇◇◇
Derrick set the fluffy in a tub and collected some tools for the rescue- a box cutter, clippers, scissors, shampoo, a bottle of vegetable oil, and thick rubber gloves. The fluffy trembled at the assortment next to it. “N- nu huwt fwuffy…?”
Derrick patted the thing on its head. “Naw, I’m going to get you out of that thing.” He picked up the box cutter and dug it into the side of the tray, metal-on-metal making a horrible squeal. The fluffy immediately started whimpering and sobbing, brown fluid leaking around its hindquarters. Derrick noted a lack of urine- likely a stallion with his penis submerged in the goop.
Derrick kept working, the sticky, highly viscous contents slowly oozing around the sink. As glue started to flow with gravity, urine spilled out.
“Man these things are nasty,” Lucas coughed at the stink of stale piss and fresh liquid shit.
Derrick ignored his friend and kept focus on the pony. Its legs were still stuck deep in the glue. He knew there was no washing the damn stuff off and grabbed the clippers.
Brrrrrrrrrr! went the clippers as the pony squeaked in terror and squirmed, legs held firmly in place. Fortunately it was all out of shit.
“Calm down, stupid. This isn’t going to hurt you if you stay still,” Derrick grunted. His gloved hand held the creature’s hind leg as he ran the clippers against its skin. The glue hadn’t been able to penetrate to the skin allowing the dense fluff to act almost as protective socks around the legs as they were shaved.
Derrick poured oil down the sides of the fluffy’s front legs and started lifting its chest as he clipped the belly fur. As he lifted upwards, the glue pulled down on the hooves. “Huwties!” the mint creature whimpered.
Shlorp! The front hooves pulled free as Derrick kept lifting and shaving. He now had ample access to the fluffy’s belly. He was able to make quick work of the rest of the shaving. He set the pony on a counter to take a quick look.
“Huu huu! Wewe pwetty fwuff go?” the fluffy cried as he observed his bald legs and belly.
“Sorry little guy,” Derrick petted his back and frowned. There was still a lot of sticky residue left. He grabbed a pair of scissors and started snipping the biggest clumps of glue off. Once satisfied he took the bottle of vegetable oil and dumped it over the creature.
“Eek! Swimy wawa! Nu wike!” The fluffy’s fur felt heavy and slick against his body. The oil clung to his skin and flowed much more slowly than water. Derrick used his gloved fingers to work the oil deep into the dense fluff.
Once the animal’s fur was saturated in grease, Derrick turned on a hot water hose. He scruffed the fluffy and drenched it in steaming hot water. The spray that landed on Derrick’s face told him that it was far too hot to be comfortable, but as far as he was concerned that was a feature and not a bug.
Satisfied with the initial soaking Derrick grabbed a bottle of shampoo and emptied it over the sobbing, squealing creature. “See pwaces hab buwnies! Huu huu!”
Derrick started to reach out, but then remembered the comments and grabbed the drill brush.
Whrrrr! “Nuuuu! Nu wan! Pwease!” the fluffy cried out desperately, only to have the power tool pressed against his back. The abrasive bristles pulled at his fur and scratched at his skin while the pressure made it hard to breathe, but not impossible. Derrick’s cleaning methods had gotten less lethal with practice.
Next was the pressure washer, still turned much too hot. The fluffy couldn’t even protest or scream about the water due to the pressure on his chest. At last, the water ran clear and the hose was turned off.
Derrick grabbed a brush and blow dryer and went to work. The end result was clean, but not pretty. The mint fluff was bald along his belly, sides, and legs. The exposed skin was red from the hot water and the remaining fur was patchy from the scissors. His scrotum stuck out behind him, highly visible due to the lack of fluff.
“Nu… nu mowe…” the fluffy let out a pathetic, pleading squeak.
“You’re done, there’s no more,” Derrick gave the shivering creature a reassuring scratch. “Look, your legs aren’t stuck in glue anymore.”
The fluffy looked down at his bald legs again. He lifted each hoof and then started hopping happily. “Weggies fwee! Weggies fwee!”
Lucas smiled. “Aww, cute. You gonna keep this one?”
Derrick scrunched his face. “What? No. We already have Bunbun.”
“People want to see follow-ups on these little guys. And this one isn’t adoptable in this state, look at it,” Lucas gestured at the pony’s raw skin.
“Well why can’t you take it then?”
Lucas shrugged. “I have a real job. And besides that, we’re roommates so. Like. You’d be petsitting it most of the time anyway.”
“Ugh,” Derrick grunted and pinched his nose.
◇◇◇
Bunbun and Taffy tumbled about the room giggling happily as they played tag. Charlotte, Derrick’s girlfriend filmed them as they played. Taffy was wearing a modified onesie over his patchy fur.
Meanwhile Derrick and Lucas were in the other room talking business.
“Dumpster dives get the least amount of engagement, but we already knew that. Viewers tend to share and watch longer when there’s some sort of active danger,” Lucas shuffled around papers with graphs and charts as he spoke.
“Dude, did you really need to print that shit out to tell me this obvious crap?” Derrick crossed his arms. “Get to the point.”
Lucas bitchily tossed the papers at Derrick. “So obviously we need more ‘fluffy in peril’ videos.”
Derrick grunted. “So what? You wanna start staging shit?”
“Hmm…yes? Kinda?”
Derrick stood up. “No. I’m not an abuser. I can’t just torture an animal. Well. I mean. They don’t like being washed but it’s not like there’s a choice. And don’t you dare bring up Cream. That was an accident.”
“Listen! We don’t have to hurt them! Our best video, after Bunbun, is the glue trap. Taffy wasn’t hurt by that, was he?”
Derrick pulled a face. “Okay but they’re not adoptable until their fluff grows back. And Charlotte will insist we keep any that we ‘foster.’ I don’t want to end up with a whole herd of bald fluffies.”
Lucas nodded. “Yeah, that’s all fine. My grandpa was a trapper back in the day. If you use them right, a leghold won’t cause any lasting harm. It’s perfect!”
◇◇◇
Derrick and Lucas strolled down the alley. Lucas kept his eyes on his phone’s map leading to where he had set the trap.
They turned the corner and realized they wouldn’t need the map anymore.
“SCREEEEEEEEEE! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! WEGGIE HAB WOSTEST HUWTIES!”
There, alongside the fence was a shit-smeared pink unicorn mare, shrieking and staring in horror at her mangled front hoof.
The trap Lucas had set was a wire snare. It had tightened around the pony’s leg, cutting into the flesh and exposing bone as she struggled against it.
“Dude, what the FUCK?” Derrick angrily shoved Lucas before running up to the pony and kneeling beside it. Lucas whipped out the camera to film.
The tightness of the snare, ragged flesh, and flowing blood made it nearly impossible to see where the wire actually was. If he could get more slack on the line it might loosen enough to work it.
Derrick reached for the fluffy, who attempted to pull away in a panic, twisting he hoof even more. The fear and pain provoked a fresh spray of shit and piss. He gagged as he realized he was going to have to hold that thing to get it loose.
Lucas hovered around him, getting closely framed shots as Derrick stroked and picked up the poor creature. He grabbed the wire and followed it with his fingers to a stake in the dirt. He pulled, but the screw didn’t move.
Derrick started twisting and twisting, the coiled stake coming out inch by inch. He shot Lucas an angry look as the two-foot stake finally pulled out of the soil. Totally overkill.
He then worked the slack up the line, pushing it towards the leg. He kept working it until he could get a finger under the bloody loop to pull it loose and slide it off.
The damage was extensive. Tendons were cut, muscle was mangled, skin was shredded. Judging from the amount of dried blood and shit everywhere the damn thing must have been caught for hours.
Despite the pain, the fluffy had fallen asleep shortly after the snare was removed. Derrick carried her quietly to the car.
◇◇◇
“What the ACTUAL fuck man? You said it would be safe! You said we wouldn’t hurt them!”
Lucas thumped his fingers around the steering wheel as he drove. “I don’t know! My grandpa says he uses those for fluffies and rabbits!”
“And does he intend to keep them alive you dipshit? You know these things are supposed to choke animals to death right?”
Lucas was silent for the rest of the drive. Meanwhile Derrick texted his girlfriend to grab a FluffAid kit and Pillow Glue from FluffMart and meet them at the shop.
◇◇◇
“Are you seriously still filming?” Charlotte’s voice dripped with judgment as she watched Lucas hover around Derrick.
“Look, we might as well at this point,” Lucas muttered to her, “Now shut up.”
Derrick meanwhile set the fluffy on a paper-lined counter and examined his supplies. His stomach turned at the package of four little tourniquets with a label insisting that pillow fluffs are happy fluffs. The cashier had handed it to Charlotte for free.
Still, he pulled one out and set it by the fluffy. He picked up a container of bubblegum flavored dental numbing agent Lucas grabbed from the bathroom and smeared it liberally over the wounded area.
“SCREEEE! SCREEEEEEEE! BUWNY HUWTIES! Buwny… nu mowe huwties?”
Not for long. Derrick fitted the tourniquet around the elbow and tightened it. The band work its way between the upper and lower arm bones and separated the joint. The fluffy let out an ear splitting screech.
Derrick picked a scalpel out of the FluffAid kit and went to work cutting the limb off at the ruined joint. He set the freed leg in the sink and pressed on the stump with gauze coated in numbing agent. Once the blood was cleaned off Derrick applied stump glue and used a clothespin to clamp it closed before cutting off the tourniquet band.
At some point the fluffy had stopped screaming. It just stood there still, silent except for its heavy breathing. Well, at least it would be quiet for its bath.
◇◇◇
“We’re gonna have to take her to the vet tomorrow,” Charlotte’s voice broke the silence as the trio sat around in the kitchen, the sound of troubled snoring coming from the open-top carrier in the corner. “Fluffies are hardy little things, I’m sure she’ll be fine.” She put a hand on Derrick’s shoulder. “Let’s get some rest, hero,” she gave a weak smile.
Derrick followed her into the bedroom. He was rock hard, and had been all night.
◇◇◇
The next morning Lucas slammed the bedroom door open.
“DUDE! This shit’s getting even more clicks than the river rescue!”
◇◇◇
Our hero has started down a dangerous path, can he pull himself out before it’s too late? Tune in next time for whatever this shit is!