It was a cold night at base, temps have been down in the damn near negatives for weeks which has been both a blessing and curse, a curse because of course it fucking sucks to be outside working but a blessing because most fluffies tend to not wander onto the flight line due to lack of shelter.
Not a lot of work to do today thankfully, at roll call the shop got ordered to assist with an engine run so I bundled up in winter gear, grab my tools and bunch up in the van.
As I step in my coworker begins to chat, “Fuck man there’s at least 4 other fucking shops and WE have to freeze our asses off.” I scoff and chuckle “Come on Brian you damn well know that production WILL find something for us to do since when have they ever let us just relax?” Brian grumbles, A1C Brian was new to the base and the military he was a good kid but he tended to bitch and gripe over things that were common place in the military.
“Children, Children shut the fuck up and I promise we’ll be back inside in no time.” Ssgt Ortiz pipes up from the driver seat, he’d been in for at least 10 years so he’s had his fair share of experience in dealing with aircraft and fluffies. “Yes sir!” Brian and I pipe up saluting jokingly as we begin to drive out to the jet.
A few minutes later we make it to the jet, we hook up the communications cords and after Brian and I play rock paper scissors I am banished to stand in front of the jet on the comms making sure everything ran smooth while Ortiz and Brian get to relax in the warm cockpit.
“Fucking lucky mother fucker….” My teeth chatter as I hook up my headset. In the distance I think I see brightly colored lumps marching toward the jet. “Oh for fuck sakes you have to be shitting me…..” I click the comm button. “Hey sarge pretty sure I see a fucking herd I count…… six maybe seven shit heads.”
I hear an audible sigh as the comm buzzes to life, “Copy try to disperse em and escort em out.” I sigh in response as I disconnect and begin to walk to the oncoming herd.
“HEY! You can’t be here you need to leave the area immediately!!” I yell out as they come closer, they jump and stare at me after a moment three of them approach me what I can only assume is a smarty and two toughies.
“Dummeh human!!! This smawty wand an smawty home, hewd go weever smawty says tu go nao moove awong befowe smawty an tuffies gib wostest poopies an sowwy hoofies!!” The smarty commands as I tighten my fist resisting the urge to drag the fucker across the flightline. “Look buddy this place isn’t safe for your herd, and it ain’t safe for you either so I need you to walk back and exit the area n….”
As I speak the tuffies interrupt me and rush me and begin to attack my shins as I look down at them flail their stupid hooves at me, I give them a swift kick both and send them tumbling as they scream “MEANIE HUMAN HUWT SMAWTY’S TUFFIES REEEEEEEEE SMAWTY GIB WOSTEST POOPIES AN FOWEBA SWEEPIES!!!” The smarty bellows as it turns around and squirts shit onto my boot and pants leg the herd woops and hollers as the mares and fat foals screams “GIT MEANIE HUMAN SPEWSHU FWIEND!!!” “CHIRP DUMMEH HUMAN GIT WOSTES POOPIES CHIRP” My rage burning hot I grab the smarty by the throat holding it till it’s eyes bulge out.
“YOU DONT WANNA FUCKING LISTEN?! THEN LETS MAKE THE MESSAGE CLEAR?!” The Smarty chokes and screams pissing and shitting everywhere as I tighten my grip around its lime green fur and walk over to the smarty’s mare. I grab the fattest babbeh who i can only assume is the bestest babbeh. “IF ANY OF YOU MOVE FROM THAT SPOT I’LL SHOVE THE FAT FUCK INTO THE DUMB FUCKS ASS AND PUNT IT DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!”
The herd nods silently in horror while the mummah screams “WET BESTEST BABBEH GO, ONWY WIDDLE BABBEH, WIDDLE BABBEH DOE NO BETTAW! SPESHUW FWIEND SABE BESTEST BABBEH PWEASEEEEE!” The smarty can only gurgle as I keep my grip tight while it’s shit rat progeny chirps and shits and pisses only angering me more as I shake it in rage while walking to the front of the jet past Brian who’s grinning from ear to ear.
“Got a new pet eh?” He smirks “Fuck off Brian get ready for the run, Ortiz wants them dispersed I’ll fucking disperse em…..” He laughs as he heads inside while I set both fat fucks on their backs rendering them immobile while I reconnect my comms. “Ortiz the area is clear run it full max, blast wall can take it.” I pause as I say “clear” hinting to him that the herd is still there he smiles from the cockpit and gives me a thumbs up as I pick up the screaming father and fat fuck son duo.
“Now boys you two get to see why this place ain’t safe for your kind.” As the engines spool up the screams begin to fade away drowned by the roar of the engines I look over to the herd who at first enjoy the warmth of the engines but soon begin to try cover their ears as the sound reaches it’s fever pitch the foals and babbehs ear bleed as they screech their lungs out to their mummahs who try to comfort them.
The smarty screeches “WET SMAWTY GO SMAWTY SABE HEWD WET SMAWY GO, SMAWTY GIB FOWEBA SWEEPIES TU DUMMEH HUMAN!!!” I give it a good knee to the jaw and watch it spit out teeth as it’s mouth begins to bleed profusely, I smile as the engines begin to go to full roar and soon the real show would begin.
The herd is slowly feeling the force of the engines and soon the smallest babbehs get sent flying to the blast walls splattering it, some of the mummahs try to stand up on their hind legs to catch their babbehs but that only makes it easier for them to get caught in the force of the engines sending them flying with babbeh attached to their teats. One crashes head first into the blast wall screaming that’s cut short into a gurgle as its skull crumples the babbehs crash through their mother’s teats going right through them like shotgun slugs. The other flys too high and hits the top of the wall getting split in half as her bottom half flies off into the distance babbehs still attached chirping and screeching, her top is stuck against the wall flailing against the engines force.
The toughies tried to grip onto the concrete but they end up just shredding their hooves as they get sent back tumbling against the cold unforgiving concrete, bones and cartilage breaks as they bounce on the concrete before meeting what can only be considered a merciful end as they slam into the blast wall. Soon the engines die down and I hear the comms buzz “Ops checks good let’s get the fuck outta here.”
I take off my headset and look at the smarty and babbeh trying to reach other to give each other huggies after seeing their friends and family decimated, now it’s time to send a message. I drag them over to the tool box and grab some pliers as I set the babbeh down to face the smarty.
“SMAWTY SOWWY PWEASE WET SMAWTY AN WASTEST BABBEH GO HUUUU HUUUUU!” It screams as I hold its neck and make it look down to its babbeh as I prime the pliers to yank off the morons worthless lumps. “WEAVE BESTEST BABBEH AN SMAWTY AWONE PWEASE, WE SOWWY!”
As the ice cold pliers make contact with the smarty’s lumps it screams “NUUUUUU SMAWTY SOWWY PWEASE WEAVE SMAWTY SPEWSHU WUMPS AWONE PAEASEEEEE HUUUUUUUU”
I clip the pliers unto one and tighten as it screams louder “See? If you had listened to me then this wouldn’t have happened right?” They both nod through tears and snot the smarty shaking and shitting in fear with his bestest doing the same. “Since you didn’t listen then a message has to be sent to you and any dumb fuck who thinks they can walk up on this base.” I twist and yank as the smarty screams so loud that its voice goes hoarse as it thrashes around trying to escape but I hold it firm and rip off the next lump, the pain causes the smarty to vomit covering his bestest as it screams in horror.
“Did you learn your lesson?” I let go of the smarty as it falls limp twitching in pain, covered in piss, shit, and vomit all it can do is nod and softly say “Yus smawty wearn wesson, smawty neva eva go tu human wan.” As it finishes the sentence it looks upon its bestest babbeh the only thing left of his herd, his child, his memory of his special friend and it sobs.
“Smawty, huuuuu bestest babbeh nu smew pw-“ Before it can finish the sentence I stomp on the fat fuck splattering the smarty’s face with the viscera and vomit of his bestest babbeh all it can do is sob loudly as it stands up shakily and hobbles over to the carnage and afterwards past it and into the horizon scarred mentally and physically.
“Jesus fucking christ remind me not to piss you off.” Ortiz chuckles as he steps out. “Don’t worry sir I’d never dream of hurting an nco.” I joke as I pack up the tools get them in the van as well as myself and sigh feeling a weight off my chest.