Warning: spoilers for the New Tenneb Saga and the Stranded Saga.
Note: read “It’s Sweater To Give Than To Receive” first.
Hey, it’s Jeff. Remember? Jeff Robinson? Ugly Sweater Guy?
Do I have to do that every time?
So, it’s been a couple of weeks since you last saw me, and Electra and I have left Detroit behind, most likely for good.
The house has been sold, all of my stuff is in those capsules Cal gave me, and I haven’t used the vehicle capsules yet, so for now, we’re just using my trusty Aztek.
We’ve already made it to Indiana, and yesterday, we had another nice chat with Cal and Marley while we were staying at a campground. I didn’t need to pitch a tent, because one of those capsules has a house inside it.
A house with an awfully familiar dome shape.
Can’t complain. I’ve never been a camping kinda guy.
Anyway, it sounds like we missed something big again.
Apparently, Cal and Marley wound up stranded on the magical side of the universe after a mission to New Tenneb that ended in disaster.
I didn’t know there’s a magical side of the universe, but that’s where Magicca is, it turns out. Which makes sense to me.
Now, I remember that Cal had some kind of beef with the Tennebites, and I haven’t forgotten that time he casually vaporised one of them in front of me and Electra, back when we went the School to not talk about Jaws.
That’s not something that’s easy to forget!
But from what I’ve heard, some serious shit went down, and shook the status quo up something fierce.
Seems like New Tenneb was destroyed entirely, and the survivors are living on an island off the coast of Cuba now. The one El Padrino used to live on, and ruled with an iron fist.
Yeah, I know about El Padrino. I read the newspaper article about him dying in a plane crash with his fluffy years ago, not long after the whole Fall of Cleveland thing.
And I know that saying this is gonna make me look like one of those “Elvis lives” nutters, but there’s a guy living not far from my old house in Detroit who looks a lot like an older El Padrino. The resemblance is uncanny.
He’s got a white fluffy, who looks old enough to have been at the Fall of Cleveland.
They could have faked their deaths.
Damnit, I should have asked him before we left town.
Anyway, Chaos told us that Cal and Marley had gone missing about a week ago, but he couldn’t give us all of the facts. He wasn’t even allowed to tell anyone where they were, he said that they had to find their own way back.
So I don’t know everything they did while they were stranded, or how exactly they got home.
And when I asked Cal, the “classified information” card was played again.
You remember when Mark played that card on me, don’t you? When we were bathing Electra at the Foundation, and I asked how an asteroid could create a pocket universe with a primitive Earth inside it?
I have a hunch that this is connected to that in some way.
Cal can probably tell you the whole story, go ask him.
But whatever happened, Cal and Marley found their way home a few days ago. Which I should be happy about, I guess.
They are the best protection from Dehak we can get.
Another thing I don’t understand is how Cal grew that beard so quickly. As I said, him and Marley were only gone for like a week.
He said it was longer for them. Was there some kind of wacky time dilation thing? Again, I dunno. It’s the magical side of the universe, so anything’s possible.
And Cal’s got a new form, Luminary Form Two or something. I haven’t seen it yet.
I’m not sure I want to see it.
Other than that, the drive away from Detroit has been… uneventful so far.
I haven’t seen the Rider or any of Dehak’s other friends try to recruit me again.
I’m hoping that they’ve given up on recruiting me. That they’ve found someone better to stick one of those Seeds of Darkness in.
And I’m really hoping that Dehak doesn’t decide to come recruit me himself.
I’m not important enough for him to do that, am I? A villain like him probably prefers to delegate. He’s the kind of villain who goes in for elaborate underground bases and hordes of faceless goons, if everything I’ve heard about him is true.
So, while I tried to play it cool to Cal and Marley, my plan is to get back to Korkeaopolis, as soon as possible, because it’s the safest place we can be as long as Dehak and his creepy crew are out there.
We’re not going to drive all the way back there. We’re just driving until we reach a city with a Tele-Port. Chicago has one, I think.
Then I can just put my car in its capsule, and we’ll stroll right on in.
After we get some more of that deep-dish pizza Chicago is so famous for. I know a good place, we stopped there for a bite on our way to Detroit.
It’s not like we’ll walk in and see Dehak tossing dough while singing along to Funiculì, Funiculà or something, right?
That would be funny to see. I’m surprised that Chaos didn’t do that.
Is pizza even a thing on Magicca?
French fries are, according to Cal. He said that someone called Edward von Drachen introduced fries to Drakonia, and they caught on real fast.
I haven’t met Edward yet, but I know his name via TFN. He’s a scriptwriter for Fluffywood, and his dad Cecil is too, so I’ve seen their names in the credits so many times that I lost count. Naturally, the names rang a bell when Cal mentioned them.
And they’re both ChaotiX members, because of course there’d be ChaotiX members working at Fluffywood too.
Apparently, there’s a guy in the post-production department who can turn into animals. Paul something.
But when I looked Edward up in Who’s Who in the ChaotiX, I had to re-read that section of the book several times to be sure that I read it correctly.
Because it said that not only is that Edward guy a goddamn half-dragon, so is…
I can’t believe that I’m actually saying this…
So is his fluffy. Erdrick, I think the little guy is called.
I get the reference, but I’m more of a Final Fantasy kinda guy.
How the fuck did that even happen, though?!?
How the fuck did a fluffy become a half-dragon?!?
Christ, and I thought that Marley being an Omega Class was grossly unfair!
Dave and Slayer being half-demons? Sure, that makes sense, anyone who drinks demon blood can become one.
And that Edward guy being a half-dragon has an explanation too. According to Who’s Who, his dragon half is noble dragon, and noble dragons can apparently turn human. His mother is his draconic parent, the book said. She’s missing, he’s trying to find her, so he’s on sabbatical from Fluffywood.
Which resolves the logistical issues of humans and dragons having children together.
But how can a fluffy be a half-dragon? Can those noble dragons also turn into fluffies? The book didn’t explain that, for some reason.
I, uh, don’t really have a whole lot of experiences with dragons. Finding out that they’re real was terrifying enough, I’m not planning to get up close to dragons any time soon.
Man, can you imagine how happy Steve Irwin would be to find out that dragons are real? The guy loved everything with scales and big teeth, and a dragon is pretty much a bigger crocodile with wings and fire breath, isn’t it?
As you can see, I don’t know much about dragons. And a place like Drakonia is probably crawling with dragons, because why else would it be called that?
I’m not sure if I want to take up Cal’s invitation to visit Drakonia.
Me and Electra wouldn’t last five minutes there, I reckon.
Right now, I’m driving my Aztek through the Indiana Dunes National Park, heading west, Electra riding shotgun in her booster seat, the fuzzy dice Chaos gave me hanging on the rear view mirror.
My sweater, the third member of our team, is balled up on the backseat.
Fortunately, Chaos is still refilling the gas tank for us every night, and I’m just gonna enjoy that while it lasts, because I think it’s only gonna last until we get to Korkeaopolis.
Which is fine, because once we get there, I’m planning to stay there for the time being. At least until the whole Dehak situation has been taken care of.
I’ve already asked Cal if he could help us find a place to stay there. He said, and I quote, “after doing that for the Tennebites and the Mitlans, finding a place for you guys to live will be downright straightforward.”
I don’t know who the Mitlans are, or where they’re staying.
I’ll ask later. But again, if you want to know, Cal can probably tell you.
It’s not like I always have a front row seat to his adventures. That whole mess in San Francisco is the only one I’ve really gotten involved with so far, and we slept through that thing with the Cunning Man.
As I keep driving, my eyes on the road, I see the sun starting to set.
“We should be in Chicago by tonight, Electra. If traffic isn’t too bad, that is.”
“Am we gunna gu tu da Tewe-Powt wite away?”
“If it’s dark, we should probably wait until morning for that. I dunno if Cal will already have a place to stay ready for us, so hopefully we can find a decent hotel and call him to let him know we’re coming.”
“We can awways yoos da cap-soo howsie again, Jeff.”
“Yeah, but where are we gonna set it up in Chicago?”
“In a pawk?”
“I don’t know if that’s even allowed. I’ll have to look up if there’s any campgrounds in Chicago proper. Otherwise, we’ll just have to find a hotel with a vacancy. Hopefully, not an expensive one.”
A cheerful, flamboyant voice chimes in from behind us.
“I don’t mind paying for one more night in a hotel, Jeff.”
And in the rear view mirror, I see Chaos sitting in the backseat, in the jester form he uses the most.
“Hi, Chaos. Hitching a ride, are ya?”
He spreads out, getting comfortable.
“You’re okay with that, right?”
“After everything you’ve done for us, I can’t just tell you to get out.”
“You could, Jeff. Nothing’s stopping you from telling me to buzz off. And I’ve grown to like you, so I probably actually would buzz off, if you really want me to leave you alone.”
“You know what I mean. It would be ungrateful to pull over and kick you out.”
Chaos chuckles.
“Oh, I know. I’m just saying, our dynamic has changed a lot since you first started playing the game.”
“So is there a specific reason you hitched a ride, or do you just want to shoot the shit with us?”
He shrugs.
“Hey, that’s a perfectly valid reason, is it not?”
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Electra grinning at me.
“Kay-ohs haf gut yu dewe, Jeff.”
I grin too.
“Yeah, fair enough. When you can be anywhere or anywhen you want to be, you don’t really need a car.”
Chaos chuckles again.
“True, but what’s wrong with driving a car for fun?”
“It’s probably not good for the environment. Plus, have you seen the price of gas these days? If you weren’t giving me free refills, I’d be bankrupt by now.”
“Jeff, I could make a car run on water, or apple juice, or even kitten farts if I felt like it. You know how powerful I am.”
“And yet, you can’t do anything about gas prices.”
“Us anthropomorphic personifications can’t solve all of mortalkind’s problems, you know. In truth, matters in the mortal realm are supposed to be resolved by mortals. Sure, I’m allowed to protect fluffies from abusers, and to punish those abusers, but I can’t simply prevent fluffy abuse from happening at all. It would require tampering with free will, and you should be aware that there’s no bigger advocate for free will than little old me.”
“Again, fair enough. Speaking of fluffy abusers, Jaws is still in Hell, right?”
“You would be one of the first to know if he escapes.”
Meanwhile, in Hell’s tenth circle, G’h’zz and M’zz escort Jaws to his next punishment.
As they pass some of the viewing pools the demons use to watch the living world, Jaws notices that one of the pools shows Jeff and Electra chatting to Chaos on the road, and he scowls, glaring hatefully.
But as he tilts his head to get a better look, the image in the pool changes to something much like television static, and the demon watching it glares back at Jaws.
“Beat it, Humphries! You’re blocking the picture!”
Jaws shrugs as he’s dragged away by G’h’zz and M’zz.
“Why did he think I had something to do with it?”
G’h’zz laughs mockingly.
“Don’t you remember what Chaos said right before you died? Walk through the door, and you’ll NEVER see him again. Chaos probably did that so he wouldn’t break his word.”
Jaws scowls harder.
“I hate that clown. I hate him almost as much as I hate Jeffy, and his gaudy shitrat. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for them.”
M’zz laughs too.
“Wow, a fluffy abuser who blames everyone except himself for his own choices. Never seen THAT before!”
G’h’zz waggles a finger at Jaws.
“Humphries, you know goddamn well that it’s nobody’s fault but YOURS that you’re Down Here. Maybe if you’re lucky, someone will bail you out of here, but I wouldn’t bet on it.”
“Yeah, you’re not IMPORTANT enough to be resurrected. Unlike the Tennebrys brothers.”
“Ugh, don’t talk to me about resurrection, M’zz. It always messes up our files. You think Ternis has any idea how much paperwork we had to do after he resurrected his nephews? It’s like he just didn’t consider us at all!”
“Honestly, I was glad to see Scha and Duwen go. With Tennebites, it’s krik this, krik that, ALL. THE FUCKING. TIME. It’s a wonder those two didn’t get themselves killed again. Korkea’s got plenty of reasons to do it.”
“Eh, they’ll be back sooner or later. Probably. If they screw their second chance up.”
“And we got fat old Ternis in trade, G’h’zz.”
“But he’s still completely batshit crazy. He hasn’t stopped laughing since he got here, and I don’t think he’s laughing about anything in particular.”
“That’s not true. He stops laughing to call us all krik every once in a while.”
“Still, it’s not much fun to torture someone who’s already thoroughly broken.”
Jaws raises an eyebrow.
“Hold on, what does krik mean?”
As the elite demons and their charge stop outside one entrance, G’h’zz pats Jaws’ head mockingly.
“We’ll tell you after this.”
They enter a large room with a deep pit. Surrounding the perimeter of the pit are a few dozen demon fluffies, their butts pointing towards the pit as they wait for a signal, and another humanoid demon is keeping an eye on them.
M’zz gestures at the pit.
“Welcome to the Pit of Burning Demon Fluffy Sorry Poopies. I don’t think we have to explain it further. G’l’gha, can we just throw him in?”
The third demon nods.
“Go ahead. Are you gonna stay to watch?”
G’h’zz and M’zz shrug.
“Why not?”
“We could use a good laugh.”
Then they toss Jaws into the pit.
YEET!
WHUMP
As Jaws gets back up, he sees the demon fluffies awkwardly inch backwards, closer to the edge, and he sees G’l’gha hold up a whistle.
“On three, boys and girls! One… two… three!”
PHWEEEEEEEE
When G’l’gha blows his whistle, the demon fluffies all start crapping burning feces into the pit, pouring down on Jaws like boiling, smelly rain.
FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT
If you think a living fluffy’s turds smell bad, you’ve never smelled demon fluffy turds.
Jaws is quickly buried up to his ankles in demon fluffy shit, which just keeps rising, covering his waist, and then, his head.
FFFFFFRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTT
He tries to stay afloat, but his struggling is pointless, and he sinks into the shit.
“Aaaaargh, it’s even worse than the sna-- mmmmmph”
His hand goes last, flipping the demons off as it too sinks into the shit.
bloop
But they don’t see it, because he’s still wearing the fluffy costume, so his hands are encased in big plush hooves.
He’s at no risk of drowning in there.
He’s already dead. He doesn’t even need to breathe anymore.
Not that it’s stopping the shit from getting into his mouth as he instinctively gasps for air.
Some habits die hard.
As I keep driving, we see Chicago in the distance, and I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Ey, we’re almost there.”
I see Chaos nod in the rear view mirror.
“I know what you’re worrying about, Jeff. Don’t worry, I can say with absolute honesty that Dehak is not in Chicago at the moment.”
“And you can’t say where he is, can you?”
“Nope. The point is, you should be safe from him for now. Do you need help finding a hotel?”
“I think I’ve got this, Chaos. We stayed at a decent hotel on the way to Detroit, we’ll see if they’ve got a room free.”
“If you need me, just holler. I’ll hear it.”
“Yeah, sure. See you later, Chaos.”
“Bai bai, Kay-ohs.”
“Until next time, my friends! Oh, and check out the Field Museum of Natural History if you have time! You can practically smell the history!”
Chaos throws up a peace sign, and fades away.
Once he’s gone, I glance at Electra.
“Well, he was right about the Olbrich Botanical Gardens. What do you think, Electra? You wanna spend some time looking at dinosaur bones?”
She shrugs.
“We cud gu wook at wibin dai-no-saws awn Pwi-maw Uwf.”
I shudder, thinking back to my very brief visit to Primal Earth.
“Hard pass. I don’t wanna look at a living dinosaur unless it’s through a television screen.”
Huh. Steve Irwin would probably be stoked about Primal Earth too.
“We should be in Chicago proper soon, though. We could take a few days to see the sights.”
“It am bettah if we huwwy tu Caw sitty, Jeff.”
“Yeah, I know, but I don’t think he can arrange a place for us to stay that fast.”
Electra just gives me a look, and I laugh in concession.
“Okay, yeah, he could just plonk down a capsule house for us. You think he’s still got that beard?”
She smiles shrewdly.
“Am yu finkin abowt gwo-in a beawd tuu?”
I quickly look at my reflection in the rear view mirror.
“Maybe. I’ve been planning to get a disguise kit, a fake beard or two wouldn’t be amiss. Already got a fake mustache. Of course, any disguise I could wear would be pointless if I’m wearing the sweater too. And I don’t think a fake beard is enough to fool Dehak.”
“…He weawwy am a pwob-wem, huh.”
“Yeah, but when you think about it, he’s not actually our problem. He’s Cal’s problem, really. We just got dragged into that whole mess because we’re frrrr… associates of Cal.”
Electra grins again, unable to hide her amusement.
“Jus say da Eff-wowdsie, Jeff. It nu am dat hawd.”
“I’ve never had any problem with saying fu–”
“Nu dat wun. Fwend, Ewectwa meen fwend. Jus say it: mistah Caw am yu fwend. See? Ewectwa can say it.”
“Yeah, but it’s different for you. You’ve only known him as a hero, you probably heard nothing but good things about him when you were a homeless feral, but I saw him as the terrifying unstoppable bastard taking guys like me down for a long time. Like Chaos, he’s done a lot for us, and I’m not ungrateful, but… it’s complicated.”
I take a hand off the wheel to stroke Electra’s head.
“But we’ll probably gonna see a lot more of him soon. Give it time. We’ll see what happens.”
Meanwhile, on the magical side of the universe, Lord Dehak and his fellow Octovirate members gather in the New Order of Darkness’ magical workshop, illuminated by candles with eerie blue flames, like the torches on the headquarters’ walls.
The Octovirate recently added a new member: Darksyde Duis, the latest recruit, former King of Old Tenneb, and older brother of the late Ternis, former King of New Tenneb. Duis was one of many Tennebites who had become part of the Devourer, shortly after the Liberation of Drakonia, and the Devourer sent him back to the Prime Material Plane to assist their other servants, at Dehak’s request.
By now, Darksyde Duis knows that his little brother is dead, and now he hates Calvin even more.
Darksyde Duis doesn’t know that his sons are alive again, though.
He’s be furious if he knew what his sons and surviving people are up to these days.
He himself wasn’t actually dead, but frankly, death is a kindness compared to being part of the Devourer, and Darksyde Duis is at least grateful for being freed from their grasp.
And angry that most of his people are still trapped inside the Devourer. Sending Duis back was easy, but the cracks in the Devourer’s prison couldn’t let an entire race pass through.
The tear in the fabric of reality that allowed the Devourer to claim Old Tenneb has closed, and Dehak lacks the means to reopen it.
But now, Dehak knows of a power that could easily allow him to rip another hole in the universe open. The ultimate power of creation and destruction, the power that can bend the very cosmos to the wielder’s will.
He learned of that power from Lipou, his new Grand Torturer, who previously served Ternis.
And as soon as Dehak has completed the Octovirate of Darkness once more, he plans for the Octovirate to seek that power out.
With the recruitment of Darksyde Duis, they’re another step closer. They only need two more members, and they have their eyes on a few people.
Darksyde Duis is the embodiment of the true Duis’ worst qualities, and the true Duis is still in there, but most of those qualities were already on the surface, so, unlike most Darksydes, Darksyde Duis and his host are in complete agreement. They are effectively one and the same.
Dehak hasn’t seen such an overlap between Darksyde and host since he put a Seed of Darkness in the Dark Demon, one of the Octovirate’s members currently in enemy custody.
The psychotic evil half of Scott Korkea is already an embodiment of inner darkness, so putting a Seed in him didn’t create a Darksyde at all. It would have been redundant. The Demon was still in control of himself once empowered with the Seed’s dark might.
Really, Dehak just put a Seed in the Demon to see what the result would be.
Dehak is flipping through one of his many magical tomes, an annoyed look on his face.
“Damnit. I can’t find anything about the boy’s new form in here. He’s ventured into uncharted territory, I fear.”
The Rider is leaning back in a chair, folding his arms.
“I was there when he first achieved that Luminary Form, Dehak. The Demon was right, it was a load of bullshit. We had him on the ropes! Dead to rights! If his brother hadn’t shown up, we’d have killed him, and we’d have ALL of his power on our side!”
Varney turns to the Rider.
“You mean the Demon would have that power.”
Claude Daniels, his Massachusetts-hating thrall, is on Earth, procuring more movies for the Octovirate’s collection. The Rider, being the member most familiar with movies, made some recommendations, deriding Claude’s taste in movies.
The Rider scoffs.
“The Demon was gonna share that Omega Siphon with me. Korkea was WRONG. The Demon and I are FRIENDS. I miss him, you know.”
Dehak nods sympathetically.
“We know. I’ve come to miss Umbra too. I was hoping that we could liberate them while the boy and his shite-rodent were missing, but the boy’s cult were guarding our friends even closer in their absence. As if they could tell that we were waiting for such an opportunity. Do you think they felt his power when he ascended to that new form?”
The Many, hovering above the others, shrugs dismissively.
“Wen Kaw-keeyah wuz fite-in da Cunning Man, we cud feew it from hewe. Su pwob-ab-wee.”
Darksyde Duis looks a bit nonplussed.
“I think I’ve missed a lot while I was away.”
Dehak gives him an apologetic look, a rare look for Dehak to give anyone.
“Technically, that’s my fault, seeing as what happened to you and your planet was my doing. Indirectly. It was linked to my use of the Lamp of Desire, if I’m not wrong, and I am seldom wrong.”
He chuckles.
“And now, I think I may have a clue about what gave my precious Lamp of Desire its power. I knew there was something more powerful than magic in there.”
Then he puts the book back, and as he turns around, he grins at Darksyde Duis.
“I’ve learned of what your brother did with just one of those marvelous things. Imagine what we could do with all eight of them. Even Chaos would be no match for us!”
Varney raises a pale hand.
“He hasn’t been bugging us since that whole affair in Detroit.”
Dehak rolls his rotten eyes.
“That clown is most likely waiting for us to lower our guard so he can pull another of his infantile pranks, probably involving a copious amount of shite-rodent feces. He might be watching us as we speak.”
He doesn’t notice one particular candle, purple and yellow, with a flame shaped like a jester’s head.
“The last time I spoke with him was in my secret crypt, shortly before I moved out to the Dragon’s… to the passageway with my beautiful creation. He filled the crypt wall-to-wall with feces from a place called… Mad-hatter?”
“MANHATTAN, but yeah, everyone there’s pretty mad, in BOTH meanings of the word.”
“I see. Such a city must have plenty of viable hosts for Seeds of Darkness.”
The Rider scoffs.
“Dehak, Manhattan isn’t a city, it’s a BOROUGH of a city. New York City, to be specific. And if you’re looking for Seed hosts in New York, I’d say you’d have more luck in the Bronx. That’s another borough. People THERE are REALLY crazy.”
Dehak strokes his stringy beard.
“And which state is New York in?”
“ALSO New York. The city so nice, they named it twice. That’s sarcasm, if it wasn’t clear. The Big Apple isn’t far from Michigan, for the record.”
Varney raises an eyebrow.
“The Big Apple?”
“Another of NYC’s nicknames. It’s also called the City That Never Sleeps, and the Empire City. There’s at least ten million people living there, counting non-humans, and NOT counting shitrats. Bound to be SOMEONE there a Seed could work with.”
Dehak nods happily.
“And with an alias like the Empire City, it might make a good capital city of our empire.”
The Rider shrugs.
“It’s one of the most influential cities on Earth, so yeah, probably.”
Then Dehak pulls the Key to Infinity out of his pocket.
“Speaking of Earth, I think it’s time for you to go pick Mr. Daniels up again, Rider. He should have acquired some decent moving pictures by now.”
Dehak hands the Key over to the Rider.
“Don’t take too long.”
The Rider nods, gets up, and leaves the workshop, because there isn’t room for a portal in here.
Once he’s gone, Dehak turns to Darksyde Duis.
“And as for you, we should probably discuss your role in our plans.”
Darksyde Duis smiles hopefully.
“Could we possibly restore the God of Destruction?”
Dehak thinks it over.
“Perhaps. We can’t just build another of that machine–”
Darksyde Duis interrupts indignantly.
“The God of Destruction was not a machine!”
“If you say so, my friend. But it doesn’t matter, really. Whether or not your people’s god was truly a god…”
Dehak laughs a malicious laugh.
“The Stones of Octavo could bring it back regardless.”