Sewer Fluffies are kind of gross
>You used to have a damn good life until that Christmas Eve a drunk driver took out your wife and kids.
>Now the only thing that fills your life as you wait for the end is your job.
>The huge tunnels hum with the quiet industry of a unique theme park for fluffies, but otherwise it’s quiet.
>It’ll be another few months before the place opens, so it’s your job to make sure the disposal system works.
>“Litter Boxes” are everywhere, and they all feed into this big ass central pipe: A 24" pressurized culvert that sends solid and liquid waste down to a central holding tank of a few hundred thousand gallons.
>From there, it’s pumped out into train cars and sold across the Midwest as fertilizer.
>It’s all pretty clever, and if you gave a shit, you’d actually have respect for the engineer that built this place.
>But for right now, you just keep checking the pipes one by one to make sure they’re moving at the specified interval.
>It’s late though, and you’re supposed to be off the clock already.
>You’d rather be in these tunnels than that big, empty house.
>You look up from your clipboard to see a filthy red fluffy unicorn staring up at you.
>As popular as these things are, you’ve never seen one this close before.
>“How’d you get down here?” you ask the fluffy.
>“Got wost,” he says. “Dun know wheh hewd go. It dawk an scawy down heh!”
>“Well, let’s get you back up the surface,” you say. “This is no place for a fluffy pony.”
>You move to pick up the unicorn, and he cringes away.
>“Dun huwt fwuffy!” he whimpers. “No be bad! Am gud fwuffy! No wan go up dere!”
>“I’m not going to hurt you,” you tell him. “I’m just going to get you out of here.”
>“Wike it down here!” he says. “Hewd down heh!”
>…okay, so there’s more than one of these critters down here.
>“Let’s go find them then,” you tell the fluffy.
>“Hewd wiv at big gwate!” he says. “Wookin fow nummies an gawt wost.”
>Big grate? He must be taking about the storm drains, which means that this fluffy actually lives in the sewers.
>Makes sense. The fluffy is heavily matted with all the atrocities one would expect of such an environment.
>Luckily, you’ve spent plenty of time in the sewers around here, and you know exactly where he’s talking about.
>It’s less than a quarter of a mile, so you grab your flashlight, and head out.
>Make a note to patch the hole where that fluffy got it so more don’t wander into the bowels of the park.
>You walk with the critter for a while as he babbles on about the “wite wall nummies” that are “icky bu fiww bewwy.”
>You assume he’s talking about the fat that accumulates along sewer walls. It’s gross, but if they can live off it, good for them.
>You eventually come to a huge storm drain where dozens of really filthy fluffies are playing.
>These are the dirtiest creatures you’ve ever laid eyes one.
>The biggest one, a huge blue fluffy, marches over to you and puffs out his cheeks.
>He’s covered from hoof to hip in scars, and he’s missing an eye.
>Still not intimidated by him though.
>“Wat you wan, hooman?” he demands. “Go way! Dis ow home! No botheh hoomans! Wiv in seweh cause meanie hoomans gif big owies up dere!”
>“Nuu!” protests the red unicorn. “Dun be meanie Cuwvewt! Dis hooman hewp Dwain git back!” says the red pegasus.
>“Your name is Dwayne?” you aks.
>“Not Dwain, Dwain!”
>Oh, Drain. Because he’s a sewer fluffy, right.
>“Yoo hewp fwuffies den?” asks Culvert. “Dank yo hooman! Aww fwuffies gif hooman huggies!”
>The herd rises from the murky floor of the sewer and start waddling toward you.
>Oh hell no. You’ve not getting covered in… whatever it is that they’re covered in.
>“I’m allergic to hugs!” you blurt.
>“Wha awergic?” asks Drain. “Dat good ting? Mean we gif huggies?”
>“It means I’ll die I you hug me,” you say.
>“No wan fwiend hooman die!” cries the herd. “Hooman nice! Bwing Dwain back!”
>“So yeah, I’m just going to head back then,” you say before leaving the storm drain behind.
>Fluffies are kind of gross, living in the sewers like that. Can’t imagine anyone wanting them as a pet.
>Not only that, they’re just so filthy. You’ve had to assemble an entire massive pumping system just to deal with the expected volume of shit they’re going to put out.
>Where the hell is that door back in anyway?
>It takes you a minute to realize that you’re lost.
>Not only that, you haven’t seen a manhole cover in a while, so you can’t even exit to the streets.
>And of course your flashlight is dying. God damnit, Miguel left it off the charger again.
>You stand in the dark for a few minutes, trying to let your eyes adjust to the lack of light when you realize that there’s not going to BE any light.
>Now you’re lost and in the dark. Fuckin’ hell.
>What’s worrying you now is that there’s these glowing things moving toward you, like a bunch of glowing marker caps.
>“Hi fwiend!” calls a familar voice. “Wat you doin way out heh?”
>It’s Drain. The cadre of unicorns he’s got with him all have their horns aglow to shed a tiny bit of light in the sewer tunnels.
>“You know a way out of here?” you ask them.
>“Hooman hewp fwuffy, so fwuffy hewp hooman!”
>You follow the fluffy for a while, and he leads you right back to the entrance to the theme park. What a kind little critter.
>“Thank you,” you say. “Can I give you anything?”
>“Haf nummies?” asks Drain. “Waww nummies icky, but eat dem aww cause no otheh nummies.”
>“I’ll bring some for you tomorrow,” you say. “Anything else you guys need?”
>Drain looks like he’s thinking really hard.
>“Wan gif huggies, bu you awergic so no gif huggies.”
>Well, maybe one can’t hurt. They are supposed to be really good at giving hugs, and maybe it’ll make you feel better after wandering around the sewers for an hour.
>“Alright, you can give me just one.”
>“Yay! Huggies!” The fluffy unicorn wraps his stubby legs around your leg and gives you hug.
>It’s not like your boots weren’t covered in shit anyway.
>“Tank yoo hooman!” says Drain. "We fwiends now?
>“Sure thing,” you say. “See you tomorrow.”
>The unicorns all cheer, and wander away.
>It is nice to have someone to talk to, even if it is a fluffy pony. You find yourself wondering if you really will see them tomorrow.
>They come back a few minutes later.
>"Dwayne, we wost again.
author_vanner fall_of_cleveland fluffy_pony_dies fluffy_pony_stories greentext sewer_fluffies text
