Fluffy House (not an) MD, a parody by Grim
It’s a sunny summer morning as a man walks his two fluffies through a lush park. The pink unicorn and the yellow earthy babble to each other in a very important discussion as to whether the leaves were greener than the grass that day, as their owner talks on the phone. The three stop at a stream, and as both fluffies look at their reflections in the water, the yellow stallion suddenly convulses before collapsing, limbs still twitching.
After a few minutes, the man says, “I’m gonna have to call you back, Lemon’s having a seizure or something. (pause) Yeah, at first I thought he was faking too, but he’s not being punished or asking for anything, so maybe there’s actually something wrong with him. (pause) That’s a good idea Al, I will take him to that new hospital for fluffies where all the doctors and staff are also fluffies.” He lowers his phone and looks directly into the camera, “Everybody got that?” He goes back to his phone, “Yeah, gonna call him an ambulance.”
The pink mare, Gumdrop, tried to help, shouting, “Wemon! Yu am am-bu-wince! Daddeh sa to caww yu am-bu-wince!”
Fluffburg-Fluffburough Fluffy Horspital was usually a busy place, and that day was no exception, as the waiting room is filled with fluffies displaying everything from partially amputated limbs to a fluffy in a corner chair who had literally starved to death waiting for the front desk to call her up. She’d have to wait a while longer though as they had completely forgotten about her. A fluffy waddles out of one of the back rooms, a blue pegasus with one crooked wing that looks like it had been broken and wasn’t set before it healed. To help make up for this, the fluffy carried a fluffy sized walking cane with the other wing. The fluffy is carrying a clipboard in its mouth, but on leaving the room, drops it in a tray, waddles across the hall to another door, and looks at the clipboard there before biting it and bringing it into the room with him.
“Fwuffy am cawwed Howse, why am you hewe?” House asked the fluffy inside the exam room.
The white unicorn fluffy sitting on the exam table holds up a still bleeding stump where her front left leg used to be. “Weggie hab huwties, bu fwuffy nu no why.”
House took a good close look at the stump where a leg should have been. “Dis a tuff wun, Howse nee gu make thinkies.” With that, House abruptly turns around and leaves the room, heading back across the hall and re-entering the other exam room. In this room, a gravid fluffy dam is birthing her litter.
“Doktah Howse no why yu hab owwie poopies; yu no dey am bad poopies, and so dey be hurtie poopies 'cause fwuffy wan make gud poopies.” And with that, he turned around again and left the new-mummah to bleed to death from a torn uterus, saying, “Speakin 'bout poopies wemind Howse dat Howse nee make gud poopies!”
House, having forgotten about his other patient, pushed open the doors to his team’s meeting room. “Bwitish Doktah, Wady Doktah, Bwack Doktah, we hab a nu casie!” He walks up to a whiteboard, and starts writing with a dry-erase marker rubber banded to his front right leg. “twu yeaw owd pointy fwend, da pashun am hab seesha an’ den gu bad sweepies, nu famwy his-to-we ob seesha or bad sweepies, bu famwy du hab his-to-we ob gud sweepies. Otha dan dat, dey am hewthy an wawk wegulawly. Howse wish Howse cud awsk otha fwuffy Doktahs fo differential diagnosis, bu Howse nu can pwonouncee differential diagnosis.”
“Wa bout sometink in da fwuffy safewoom? Wa if fwuffy num nu-gud meanie nummies?” The british sounding grey pegasus asked.
“Gud thinkies! Gu to dere safewoom an wook fo ba’ nummies!” House said before turning around to go talk to his friend, Cancer doctor.
The purple fluffy called Cancer Doctor had his head buried in his front hooves as House walked in, slipping on the threshold and falling on his belly. As he got back up, Cancer Doctor looked up at him morosely, saying, “Canca Doktah nu undastan! Wan hewp odda fwuffies, bu aww da canca pashuns hab canca, an aww nown canca tweetments jus gib fwuffies foweba sweepies. Ebey wun ob dem eida get canca foweba sweepies, ow dey get tweetment foweba sweepies. Fwuffy am thinkies fwuffy mi nee nu spe-shul-tee.”
“Dat siwwy Canca Doktah, wha bout da pwetty owange mawe yu sa two monthie-fowebeas ago? She nu hab canca foweba sweepies ow tweetment foweba sweepies!” House said, trying to cheer his friend up.
“Howse! She fowgot tu make poopies, an she 'splowded. In Canca Doktah officeie nu wess!” The now more depressed fluffy almost wailed, head going back to his hooves.
“Gwad dat Howse cuwd make yu feew bettah Canca Doktah! Howse am da best fwend eba!” House said, peeing on the floor as he turned and left.
In Lemon the earth fluffy’s room, British Doctor, Lady Doctor, and Black Doctor, were explaining what they had found to Lemon, and Gumdrop who was rather confused. Their owner had left, not bothering to be in any more of this episode. “Doktah did thinkie was ba nummies dat hewt Wemon, bu now Doktah nu thinkie dat?” Asked Gumdrop
“Nu, Doktahs wen tu Wemon’s safewoom, and twied da nummies dere, bu dey wewe gud nummies and Doktah nu hab seesha ow ba sweepies. Sometink ewse gib wemon sickies.” Black Doctor answered, continuing, “We nee owwie jucieie sam-pul su can wun tests tu wook fow otta tinks dat make fwuffies hab seeshas.” Amazingly, they had no difficulty taking the blood sample thanks to British Doctor pulling back the syringe’s plunger with his mouth while Lady doctor held the rest of the syringe still. The three doctors then headed to the hospital laboratory to run tests. These tests included looking at the syringe to be sure there was blood in it, tasting some of the blood to make sure it was blood, and getting distracted and making some hoof paintings with the rest of the sample.
Meanwhile, House had made his way to Doctor Lady Boss’s office. Inside, the shimmering white alicorn was PISSED. House had seen two patients in clinic, despite being supposed to see thirteen. Not only that, but the patients he had seen were both dead now.
“Yu wan tawk tu Howse Doktah Wady Baws?” House said as he waddled up to her desk and leaned his bad wing on it.
“Yes! I do!” The alicorn shouted, “You owe me three hundred forevers of clinic time, and instead of just doing all of them this morning, you saw two patients, got bored and left!”
“Howse nu get bowwd, Howse nee make thinkies bout pashun bu den Howse nee gu poopies an fowgot to make mowe thinkies.” House said, wincing as he straightened out his ‘bad’ wing before moving the cane over to it and then crumpling his ‘good’ wing until it looked like the ‘bad’ wing had.
“YOU LEFT A PATIENT BLEEDING OUT FROM A SEVERED LEG TO GO MAKE POOPIES?!?” Doctor Lady Boss shouted, incredulous.
“Oh, dat why she had weggie huwties, dat was a tuff wun.” House responded, his face a picture of sudden realization.
“YOU- I- YOU… GET THE FLUFF OUT OF MY OFFICE!” The alicorn screamed, flaring her large wings.
Making his way back to the conference room, Lady Doctor filled House in on the test results from the blood work. “We wan ebewy test dat we no ob, bu da owwie juiceie was nowmal.”
“Wen Howse was in fwuffy doktah twaining summah camp, da teacheh towd ebeywun dat sometimesies yu nee fink owt ob da bawks.” House pondered for a moment before holding up a hoof and declaring, “Gib Pashun da Pwage!”
“Da wat?” All three of the other fluffies in the room responded in unison.
“Da Pwage! Gib Pashun da Boobie-Bonnie Pwage!”
“Bu why?” Black Doctor asked.
“Howse hab thinkie- Boobie-Bonnie Pwage nu gib pashuns seeshas, bu dis pashun hab seeshas su if gib pashun Boobie-Bonnie Pwage, den pashun’s meanie-seeshas gu 'way.” House said as smugly as a smarty who managed not to fall in a pile of fluffy shit.
Later that day, the team was back in House’s conference room. “So we gabe Wemon da Boobie-Bonnie Pwage, an it awmost wowked, bu den he wen to da wittabocks and saw himsewf in da miwwow an den had anotha seesha, so den we cured him ob da Pwage, bu nu befowe Gumdwop cawt da Pwage an wen foweba sweepies.” British Doctor reported, Britishly.
“Dang, Howse wewwy thought dat wud wowk.” House said, before sighing and walking out to go see Cancer Doctor for the ‘eureka moment’ scene.
As House and Cancer Doctor trespassed, oblivious, through an active rifle range, Cancer Doctor pondered, “Wha ib fwuffy jus nu be doktah nu mowe? Den fwuffy nu kiww ebewy pashun fwuffy see ebewy day.”
“Maybe dewe sometink in fwont ob fwuffy face dat fwuffy just nu see.” House opined, before doing a double take, “Sometink in fwont ob fwuffy face dat fwuffy just nu see! Fank yu Canca Doktah Fwend! Howse no how to hewp pashun now!” And with that, House took a huge dump where he stood, raped a chain link fence, and sprinted the hundred or so feet back to the hospital. Cancer Doctor did not respond at all, having been shot in the head immediately after his previous statement.
British Doctor, Lady Doctor, Black Doctor, and Doctor Lady Boss were all in Lemon’s room for the ‘House cures the patient’ scene, when House burst in shouting, “AM WEMON POINTY-FWEND OW EAWTHIE-FWEND!”
“Wha da fwuff am yu tawkin 'bout” Lemon asks terrified.
“AM WEMON POINTY-FWEND OW EAWTHIE-FWEND!” House shouted again, this time using his mouth to pull out a tiny fluffy sized gun and shooting Lemon in the front left leg for emphasis.
“SCREEEEE!! WEMON AM POINTY-FWEN!”
“No,” House dropped the gun and his demenour completely changed to that of gentle explanation, “Yu am eawthie-fwend, yu awways wewe. Bu wen yu see da weflection in da wawa an da miwwow, yu wook fow head-pointy, an wen nu find head-pointy, den yu am confuused, an hab meanie-seesha. Jus wemembah dat yu am eawthie-fwend an dis nu happen 'gain.”
“Bu wha 'bout Wemon weggie? Weggie hab hewties!” Lemon replied.
“Dat a tuff wun, Howse nu no wha to do 'bout dat.”
At this point the actual, human, Dr. House walked into the room carrying a can of gasoline. “Don’t mind me, please continue, I’m just here to protect my image.” He said as he covered all of the fluffies in the room with gas before dumping the other half of the gas can into the hall, tossing a lit match on it as he left the building.