The nation of Hugsborg, where fluffies have the same rights as humans, has a boarder with Abuseville, where fluffy abuse is legaly sanctioned and explicitly encouraged. Interesting things happen at this boarder.
You are Herald, and you live in Abuseville, right next to the boarder with Hugsborg. This pisses you off, because there’s nothing you can do about the endless fluffy pony herds living in the legal protection of Hugsborg, meaning that all they have to do to escape your righteous retribution is waddle across the red line in the middle of the road in front of your house. The little shits have even started to get cocky about it, with a blue smarty regularly sitting just over the red line yelling insults at you as you try to repair whatever damage they did to your garden the night before. Mind you, fluffy insults are universally weak sauce, but it’s the principal of the thing DAMN IT!
One day at the bar, while complaining about the stupid boarder with stupid Hugsborg, one of your drinking buddies slurs out, “If them fluffies gots human rights, then they gotta follow human laws, yeah? Why don’t you just go across the boarder with a cop, and catch them breaking laws, or just convince them to break some in front of the cop?” So profound was this revelation that you could not help but collapse from alcohol poisoning. But Mamma didn’t raise a wuss, so you just sleep it off and get busy planning.
Two days later, You give your brother a call. It’s convenient that your brother is a police officer in Abusevile.
“Harry, it’s Herald”
“Hey Her, what’s up?”
“I have a cop question for you, and depending on your answer, I might want your help with something.”
“Shoot”
“So if fluffies in Hugsborg have human rights, do they have to follow human laws, like, if they commit a human crime, can they be held criminally accountable?”
“…”
“Harry?”
“… I need to make some calls.”
Ten minutes later, Harry is at your door in full police gear with another cop parked on the street in a paddy wagon. “You were right,” He says, “and I’m pretty sure I know what you want to do next, so lets roll.”
As usual, that fucking blue smarty is sitting just over the red boarder waiting for you, and as you approach, he’s going to town on his herd’s enfie friend. Harry leans down to the filly and asks, “Ma’am, do you consent to what he’s doing to you?”
“Enfiwna nu wike bad speshul huggies, nu wan”
“Good enough for me,” Harry says as he yanks the smarty off of the filly, “Smarty, you’re under arrest for rape, anything you say, actually, I don’t need shit from you, this is so open and shut you’ll be sentenced this afternoon.” With that, He chucks the Smarty into the back of the paddy wagon, and gestures for you to lead the way.
“Actually Harry, while it’s legal for you to detain them if they commit a crime, once we lawfully transport them across the boarder, don’t they no longer have any rights, meaning we can do whatever we want with them?”
“You’re right! All we need to do is see commit a crime serious enough that it warrants detaining them!”
You lead the way and soon come across a lone stallion, walking along the sidewalk. The cop in the paddy wagon drives over right next to him and calls out “Good afternoon sir, what are you up to today?”
“Fwuffy am wawkin’ to pawk!” The fluffy narrows its eyes and looks more carefully at the cop, “Wat am dis? Y u wan no wat Fwuffy doin? Fwuffy no botha no wun, Fwuffy jus wawk on da sidy-wawk wike Fwuffy awowed to. Fwuffy no Fwuffy wights.”
“Woah buddy,” the cop says defensively, “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just being friendly and asking what’s up and… Hey, what’s that behind your ear? Harry, do you see it?”
“Dere nu fink behinf Fwuffy eaw!” The fluffy insists as Harry walks over to it.
“Then what’s this?” Harry says, holding up a plastic wrapped brick of cocaine larger than the fluffy’s head.
The fluffy’s eyes went wide, “Dat nu fwuffy’s! U put dat dewe! HEWP! HEWP! FWUFFY BEIN FWAMED!”
The fluffy’s cries fell on annoyed ears, and it was quickly tossed into the paddy wagon with the smarty.
Continuing on, you next hear the cry of “Biggest Poopies!” And all three of you rush to assist a lime green earthy mare as she delivers her babies. Once they are out, and you, the first responders have cleaned them off, you present them to the new mummah.
She looks at her foals, an orange unicorn filly, a grey unicorn colt, a lemon colored earthy colt and a midnight blue male alicorn. “MUNSTA BABBEH!” The mummah shouts, flailing her hooves briefly, “MUNSTA NU NUM GUD BABBEHS!” As she shouted she brought her hoof down onto the alicorn, killing it.
“Why would you do that?” Harry calls out, trying not to laugh. “New Mummah, you are under arrest for infanticide.” He grabs her and chucks her in with the others.
“Harry,” The other cop says, “We can’t just leave these unaccompanied minors here, we’ll have to bring them with us.”
Harry smirks, realizing what his buddy means, and scoops the foals into a small cardboard box from the alley and puts them on the passenger seat of the paddy wagon.
A bit further on, you run into a somewhat large herd of more than thirty adult fluffies and who knows how many foals. One of the stallions approaches the three of you.
“Hewwo, Fwuffy am cawwed Iwis, Iwis am smawty of dis hewd! Iwis keep hewd on daddeh’s wand, fwuffies nu wan twuble.”
“That’s real cool dude,” You say as you walk over and lay your phone on the ground next to Iris. “Yeah bro, I’ll just leave you all be then.” You walk back over to Harry.
Harry has been talking to his cop buddy, but now looks over to the herd and sees the phone next to Iris.
“HE’S GOT A GUN!” Harry shouts, and thirty police officers appear out nowhere and start shooting, annihilating Iris, every fluffy in the herd, the ground around them, and the fluffy daycare fifty yards behind them.
Once the shooting stops, one of the cops walks forward. “It’s a damn shame, worst case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”
ngl tho yes definitely a comic
brilliant