The curtain rises to reveal a man in a lab coat and glasses, along with a fluffy pegasus, also with lab coat and glasses both standing in a chemistry laboratory, complete with random glassware filled with water and food coloring, with the occasional flask bubbling CO2 into the air for no reason.
Voice-over: Hello and Welcome to Fluffy science; the show where we answer all the questions you never thought to ask!
Today’s episode is called: Crazy Chemicals!
“Hello,” The man in the lab says to the camera, trying to be enthusiastic and nearly succeeding, “I’m Dr. Phetamines. Whose Phetamines you ask? I. I AM-Phetamines.” He pauses, but there’s no laugh track. “I’m also on an incredible amount of meth.” Someone off screen clears their throat loudly, “Oh right, we have a bunch of extreme chemicals to show you today, with the help of our fluffy assistants, of course.” Dr. P points to the fluffy in a lab coat next to him.
“The first chemical we’re looking at today,” Dr. P starts, suddenly holding a cracker and spreading a dark jam on it, “is Palytoxin, a downright comically effective vasoconstrictor and as such is a spectacularly deadly poison, but only when it enters the circulatory system.” Dr. P, now finally talking about chemistry, is now actually interested in what he is talking about, and has become almost energetic in his motions. “For example, unless you have a cut on your mouth or an ulcer or something, you can straight up eat the stuff as much as you want- and to prove it, I’ve been spreading it on this cracker.” He splits the cracker in half, and eats one half, continuing on without issue. “In fact, even fluffies can eat it and not be harmed- watch!” He hands the other half of the cracker to the fluffy, who scarfs it down, declaring, “Tewminaw Hypewtenshun wub science nummies!” “As you can see, he’s unharmed."
"Now, to show you what Palytoxin is capable of, I’ll introduce a tiny bit into the blood stream. Luckily, Terminal Hypertension here is a messy eater, and got some of the Palytoxin infused jelly on his fur.” Dr. P uses a needle to pick up the tiniest of specks of jelly from the fluffy’s fur. “This speck is probably less than one one thousandth of the dose our friend here just ate, but there’s enough here to kill dozens of human adults or, for that matter, one particular fluffy.” With this, he jabs the needle into the fluffy’s back left leg. For a moment nothing happened, “Owies, y gib Tewminaw BLAAGRGH” The fluffy said, vomiting blood and foam as its eyes rolled back into its head, the fluffy’s entire body convulsing and swelling before blood started to erupt from its skin and every orifice, spraying at high pressure in every direction, like a high pressure water pipe with many leaks. What had started as the gurgling of a fluffy drowning in its own blood quickly rose in pitch, rapidly going beyond human hearing. Once the shriek could no longer be heard, dozens of distinct snapping noises filled the room over the course of a second and a half, as the fluffy’s muscles swelled with high pressure blood and crushed the fluffy’s very bones. The broken fluffy slumped to the floor, still stiff as a board, and twitched for another second before going still.
“Looks like Terminal Hypertension really lived up to his name! We’ll be back right after these messages!”
[cut to man in a dress shirt and tie in an apartment]
“Do your fluffies make too much NOISE walking around? Do they just wander off like vapid idiots? Do you wish that just once, you could find your fluffy at THE GODDAMN MUTHERFUCKING PLACE YOU LEFT IT?
Then do we ever have the product for you! Introducing Fluffy Mittens! Each Fluffy Mitten has a carefully measured number of lead pellets, just enough so that your fluffy can’t lift its legs off the ground anymore.”
[the screen cuts to a very distressed fluffy wearing sock-like mittens, trying and failing to lift its feet off of the table it is standing on]
“That’s right, and with our patented zip-tie fluffy attachment system, the Fluffy Mittens are there for good. Call Now!”
[a rapidly speaking, low pitched voice spews legal stuff, ending in]
“Fluffy Mittens are sold only in sets of three, unless your fluffy is missing a leg, in which case, you can only buy sets of two.”
[cut back to the slightly blood stained chemistry lab and Dr. P, who is standing next to a female unicorn fluffy, who is wearing the same lab coat as the first fluffy, only now it’s covered with blood and viscera]
“And we’re back! Our next chemical for today is Denatonium Benzoate, also marketed as Bittrex.” Dr. P holds up a small sealed glass ampule with some powder in it. “This is Denatonium Benzoate, perhaps the most bitter substance known to man. Aqueous solutions as dilute as ten parts per million are unbearably bitter to human adults, and it’s even more potent to fluffies! Have a look at this video of an experiment I performed some years ago.”
[cut to a slightly grainy video centering on what is clearly a smarty and its herd. The smarty points at a small sealed glass ampule on the grass covered ground]
“Hewd! Wissen! Nice hooman mista gib smawty some hooman magics! Tol smawty dat hewd jus nee bweak am-pu-el to wet da magics out! Tuffies, Bweak am-pu-el!”
The first toughy to get there breaks the ampule with his first hoof stomp, but the glass shards embed into his hoof, and he runs over to his special friend crying.
“Dewe-dewe speshul fwend, Salmon giv wickie kissies tu hoofie huwties an make bettah!”
When the mare tries to kiss her mate’s hoof better, she barely touches it to her lip before screaming and running towards the shallow water pool the herd drink from, screaming, “Wostest mouthie ickies! Salmon nee wa-wa,” and with that she plunged her entire face into the freshwater pond, only to pull it out a moment later screaming, “REEEE! Meanie mouthie ickies nu weve,” before trying again and again to rinse her mouth out in the pond water. Eventually, she didn’t lift her head for air, and went perfectly still.
The rest of the video showed, fast forwarded, the rest of the fluffies reacting the same way if they touched the dead mare, the tuffy with the glass in his hoof, drank from the pond, or touched any fluffy who had done any of those things. The result was always the same, with the fluffies literally killing themselves in their attempts to remove the bitter taste from their mouths. All except one, who sat on a rock rocking back and forth, muttering to himself- “Mouthie ickies nu get fwuffy if fwuffy nu eat anytink and nu dwink anytink an nu wawkies anypwace, an nu go sweepies eba 'gan!”
“Ah, good times,” Dr. P says, reminiscing, “But enough about that, it’s time for today’s next chemical, azudoazide azide, one of the most sensitive explosives ever created. Here is a short list of some of the the things that have been found to detonate azudoazide azide- shown here with help from our very own fluffy bomb squad!”
[cut to high definition video of a group of fluffies in fluffy sized bomb squad uniforms and equipment]
Voice-over: Here are things that can set off azudoazide azide:
Shocks or impacts [a fluffy steps on a piece of paper with a tiny gray smudge on it, and promptly explodes in a shower of viscera]
Touching it [a fluffy ever so gently prods a speck of gray on a piece of paper, and explodes in a shower of viscera]
Moving it [a fluffy tries to move a piece of paper with a gray speck, but she explodes in a shower of viscera]
Dissolving it in a solution [a fluffy pours a gray powder into water, and a moment later explodes in a shower of viscera
Letting it touch water [an almost identical clip plays, but the fluffy explodes the instant the powder touches the water]
Trying to weigh it on a scale [a fluffy trying to use a laboratory scale explodes in a shower of viscera]
Trying to transfer it onto a watch glass so it can be moved [a fluffy holding a concave piece of glass around 6cm across explodes in a shower of viscera]
Exposing it to changes in temperature [a fluffy standing next to a heating vent explodes in a shower of viscera]
Exposing it to light [the light to a previously darkened room turns on, and a fluffy pony inside explodes in a shower of viscera]
Leaving it alone in a cool, dark, still room [the shadowy outline of a fluffy explodes in a shower of viscera]
[cut back to Dr. P and the fluffy standing next to him]
“And, for all we know, the mere act of remembering it exists can also cause azudoazide azide to detonate.” [the fluffy next to him explodes in a shower of viscera]
Wiping bits of fluffy from his glasses, Dr. P walks over to an old movie projector and whispers sweet nothings to it until it turns on, showing silent black and white footage of random people doing random shit.
“The twentieth century was a time of rapid advancement for chemistry,” He began, “and after the first world war, research into newer and deadlier poison gasses lead to many new advances, such as new cancer fighting drugs and potent new pesticides. However, also discovered was chlorine trifluoride, ClF3, a powerful fluorinating agent seemed almost like a dream come true for the German army. On contact with water, liquid ClF3 explodes, leaving hydrochloric acid and hydrofluoric acid behind. Sprayed into the air, it forms a poison gas far deadlier than chlorine or phosgene alone. Pouring it on almost leads to that thing being brutally and almost completely oxidized. This includes, but is not limited to, concrete, glass, wood, Dave, fruitcake, dirt, and of course, fluffies. Amazingly however, it can be stored in a simple 55 gallon steel drum, so long as the inside is treated with fluorine gas first- this layer of fluorine blocks the ClF3 as the steel surface is already fully fluoridated! Before and during the second world war, Germany produced between thirty and fifty tonnes of liquid ClF3, for use as a weapon of war. It was, however never actually used in warfare, with the Nazis allegedly declaring it to be too inhumane for wartime usage."
Dr. P held up a vial of pale yellow liquid.
“Chlorine TriFluroide has, as it turns out, a bigger, angrier brother, Chlorine PentaFluoride, which can be well described as ClF3, but more. Please observe this WW1 reenactment where fluffies take the place of the soldiers, and the war gasses are played by the ever talented ClF5.”
[cut to a foot-deep trench, opposing a similar trench ten feet away. The trenches are only thirty feet long, and while there is mud, barbed wire and battle debris in no fluffy’s land, other than where the trenches are, the rest of the area is a lush, flowery field. One of the fluffies has fallen asleep at her machine gun, and is spraying an unending stream of airsoft BBs into the dirt a foot in front of herself.]
“Fwends, Fwuffies, Apwicot, it time tu gu ovah da top!” A fluffy officer announced to his troops, before a human-sized grenade lands at his feet. “Gwanadie!” The fluffy cries out before diving forward, incidentally landing closer to the grenade than he had been standing. Instead of an explosion, the grenade made a sharp popping sound and started to emit large quantities of a faintly visible, very lightly green, gas. Instantly the dirt below and around the grenade burned violently, and the moment the gas touched the fluffy officer, he burst into flames, with his fur and flesh burning brightly wherever the gas touched him. As the fluffy was completely consumed and turned over the course of a few seconds, the others in the trench took notice. “GASSIE MASKIES!” Apricot shouted out before running to the side of the trench where a clever setup let him bite the inside of the gas mask before pushing his head through it, whereupon the mask holder, no longer supported, collapsed to the bottom of the trench. All the other fluffies in both trenches tried to put their masks on, with most succeeding to don their protection. A few of them had taken the time to decorate their canvas gas masks with crayon drawing, and a very clever fluffy had asked one of the nice hoomans to cut a hole in the mask right over his mouth so he could breath better. By this point, the cloud of gas had dispersed more, and was invisible to the eye, and could only be tracked by the expanding radius of burning dirt and fluffies as the heavier-than-air gas made its way along the bottom of the trenches, with most of the fluffies only realizing it was there when their hooves burst into white hot flames.
The fluffies in the other trench didn’t fare much better, as while they weren’t bursting into flames, the dilute puffs of the ClF3/ClF5 mixture blown into their trench almost instantly dissolved the filters of their gas masks, and then proceeded to dissolve the fluffies’ lungs from the inside. The shrieks of 'Wowstest Buwnies” and “MUNSTA CLOUDIE” slowly died away, leaving the camera to zoom out showing the trenches were in some suburban backyard. As the video faded to black, Dr. P could be heard faintly shouting about “This is why you don’t fuck with my garden.”
Back at the lab, Dr. P hefted a cloudy, insulated container onto one of the tables, next to yet another fluffy wearing what was left of the fluffy lab coat.
“Finally, for today’s last demonstration, we have an insulated flask of liquid oxygen.” He poured some out into a glass beaker, and it was a gentle, pale blue (kinda like this
The fluffy was immediately enamored with the ‘Pwetty Wawas’ and sat staring at the beaker.
“While we all need gaseous oxygen to survive, liquid oxygen can actually be extremely dangerous. Not only is it nearly as cold as liquid nitrogen, but it will happily form liquid oxygen explosives when applied to porous, carbon based objects. This is why chemists and other specialists who work with cryogenics watch for the ghostly blue which might be their only warning that they have accidentally allowed atmospheric oxygen to liquify. When soaked in liquid oxygen, regular, everyday items can become shock and spark sensitive high explosives. Allow me to demonstrate.”
Dr. P proceeded to pickup the fluffy and the liquid oxygen and bring them to the next room, in the middle of which was a small hut built of cinder blocks with a few viewing windows. There was also a chest high wall of sandbags. As he taped something to the fluffy’s back, Dr. P explained, “I’ll have to be fast otherwise the fluffy might freeze to death, but I’m going to pour plenty of liquid oxygen, or LOX as chemists call it, onto the fluffy, whose fur will absorb the LOX and thus become a heat sensitive LOX-based high explosive. Then after retreating behind the sandbags, i’ll activate the sparker that I just taped to the back of the fluffy. When the spark hits the LOX soaked fluffy hair, it should detonate, and there are plenty of cameras inside there to show us what happens. Meanwhile, I’ll man this super high speed camera that, um, fell off a truck. We should get excellent slow motion footage of the explosion.”
Once everything was set up, Dr. P poured the LOX all over the fluffy, dove behind the sandbags, and activated the electric sparker and the high speed camera. The sparker audibly arced once, then twice before the third spark caught the fluff. Looking at the high-speed footage, the fluffy’s fur could be easily seen exploding with a shock front propogating from where the sparker had sat. Since only the fluff really exploded, the fluffy was largely in one piece, although having all of his fluff detonate basically turned the fluffy inside out, which looked AWESOME in the high-speed footage.
“Well,” Dr. P said, wrapping up, “There you have it, five cool chemicals explored with the help of these brave fluffies [the movie credits style names flashed across the screen, commemorating all the fluffies that had helped, each of whom was simply listed as Fluffy] And that’s our show, I’ll see you next week when we try classical and operant conditioning on the fluffies!”