CRINITUS MANNULUS: CACAS MAXIMUS
Also known as:
The Physical Appraisal of Fluffy Ponies
Fluffies are not physically adept.
Statements that should not be controversial but someone out there will bitch about it for $200, Alex. As in the case of fluffy intellect, this writing will only consider the overarching Has-Bio herdcanon for the details that will be expounded upon. If you have a differing understanding of how fluffy bodies operate, as always, I do not care.
They come in threes;
They do not come in threes.
There are four types of fluffies; earthies, unicorns, pegasi and alicorns. Though these terms are defined in the glossary, for general review, the breakdown is as follows:
Earthie - A daggone olâ regular little fluffy fella.
Unicorns - A daggone olâ regular little fluffy fella, but it done got a little horn there on hims forehead.
Pegasi - A daggone olâ regular little fluffy fella, but it done got little stubby wings on hims sides there.
Alicorn - A daggone olâ regular little fluffy fella, but it done got both wings and a horn on hims fluffy-self there.
NOTE: You may be predisposed to disagree, but the fact is that fluffies are not special from one specimen to another. The use of âregularâ as an adjective in this case is no accident. The reason I point this out is because in the past, there used to be arguments about the âvalueâ of a fluffy in particular stories. There is no intrinsic difference between fluffies with horns, wings, those with both, and those without.
Although it is generally agreed that alicorns are rarer to find within various headcanons due to multiple factors, from a purely external standpoint, there is nothing overtly special about them.
The fact that people used to waste their time debating this in shit-ass roleplays is a byproduct of this headcanon resonating with these same people; they probably get geeked out over shiny Pokemon cards.
Yes, you shilling out your sheckles for rare Pokemon cards is the closest thing to the fluffy meta that you will ever experience in real life. Now go cry to yourself in the corner, the rest of us have work to do.
The year of the horse? Pig? Rat? I just donât know, daddy-o;
No one knows, in truth. As far as herdcanon goes, when itâs said that fluffies are a genetic cocktail of a bunch of different speciesâ DNA, thatâs the end of it. I would like to believe that a bunch of 4chan users had a greater scientific grasp than the writers of Jurassic World, but I realize I am grasping at a fantasy. The details in the story of fluffies didnât appear to matter as much back then, and the whole idea was just an excuse to garner the suspension of disbelief that these things could be waddling around outside your doorstep as you read this.
Trying to gobble on your,
Unmentionables. ( ͥ° ÍĘ ÍĄÂ°)
I mean your garbage you trash-ass motherfuckers.
With this being said, what actually went into winding up those important double-helices into the batter that would bake into a viable fluffy inside an ovarian oven, is all up to you, the creator or casual observer.
Reading over that section again makes me remember to buy more bleach. Anywho; though fluffies are called shitrats, itâs fully probable that rat genome was completely excluded from their DNA profile. And thatâs just as grand as if rat genome was included.
Touched by a shit-pig;
Thatâs gross.
Attributes of a fluffy pony;
Oooh it was supposed to be like Touched By An Angel but instead I â oh thatâs my mistake. How embarrassing. Moving right along,
Fluffy ponies tend to be around toddler sized, ergo: adults top out at around three feet tall at the shoulder. That is 0.91 meters for you non-American folks. Get decimalized, losers.
Fluffy mares have two mammaries located on their crotch region. Consult the glossary for more information, under âMilkiesâ.
Fluffies tend to be fat. They prefer to be called âfluffyâ, like Gabriel Iglesias. However, Gabriel Iglesias is a wholesome treasure of a man, and fluffies are just fat. Waddle waddle, fatty.
NOTE: Fluffy Community does not condone fat shaming. We just laugh at fat as fuck fictional freaks of science. Haha, waddle waddle, fatty.
In addition to their disproportionate weight, fluffies have relatively short legs. As a result, fluffy balance is a precarious affair in which their top-heavy mass is distributed across a relatively small region of contact with the surface via their hooves. This emphasizes their waddling mode of locomotion, which is hilarious to imagine.
Round-boi rocking his double-wide about as he waddles around, nearing his tipping point but managing to roll his center of gravity back just before that critical momentâŚ
Chubby somâbitch. It follows that a creature built like this cannot run. If it does run, it will not be for very long, and it runs the inherent risk of terrible injury for even attempting. In summary, fluffies are everything lame about a Tyrannosaurus Rex, without any of the things that make them cool.
Fluffies have fibrous manes and tails as adults. Possibly the only thing definitively horse-like about a fluffy. Maybe their ears too, depending on how theyâre drawn by an artist. What is definitely not horse-like is their abnormal, giant eyes with their technicolor irises.
Fluffies have snouts which facilitate their mouths and noses. Nothing too weird here.
Fluffies are frail. How frail depends on headcanon, but it was accepted knowledge that a fluffy is in no way shape or form capable of harming anything other than itself, and other fluffies. For perspective, a fluffy can be scared to death by any abrupt loud noise, like a door slamming. The ease in which a fluffy dies was countered with the advent of a safe room. To limited results depending on who you ask. Great googly-moogly.
NOTE: Itâs often the case that I go and add words to the glossary as I encounter myself using them. In this case, it was âsafe roomâ. If you would like a term defined, run it by the staff and weâll see if itâs something to put up.
Fluffies come in all kinds of wacky combinations. To keep this part as brief as possible, there are a few general categories for how fluffy coloration is depicted. There are flat colors that are complimentary to each other, flat colors that donât compliment each other and are often set to one-hundred percent saturation for some godforsaken reason, unorthodox color combinations that look decent every so often, and then there are patterned fluffies whose coats imitate some real-life animal.
There are also patterned fluffies that are just some abstract display of terrible OC-syndrome but I donât want to acknowledge them. Me therapist says they canât hurt me, but me therapist doesnât understand that I know this; I am concerned for my goddamn corneas. They hurt me eyes.
NOTE: H83R doesnât actually have a therapist. Do not let this silliness devalue the work of actual mental health aids.
Fluffies shit a lot. The reason for this varies depending on headcanon as always but the fact of the matter is, fluffies do boom boom and itâs always funny to me when they get in trouble for it. Some subscribe to the belief that a fluffy digestive tract is so ill-equipped to extract nutrients from food, most of what comes out the other end is practically undigested. Doesnât change the fact that it still smells and looks like crap.
Taste the rainbow;
Lastly, there are fluffy senses. Due to the volume of writing ahead for each sense, this will be its own section of the entry.
Vision - Their eyesight can match humans as far as color-vision goes, since they gauge the value of objects in the world by how bright and âprettyâ they look. Itâs unclear to me if their debilitating fear of the dark is due to them being stupid toddler analogues, or if they just lack the ability to adapt to low-light conditions like most animals do. Headcanon fodder, go nuts. What I can assert with some confidence is that fluffies probably have a blindspot in their field of vision directly ahead of them, due to their snouts. Anything near to a fluffyâs nose would be invisible to them within the degrees of this non-vision cone. How big this region of blindness is would be contingent on headcanon. And the size of fluffy snouts within said headcanon.
âmY fLuFFiEs DoNâT hAvE BlInDSpoTsâ how the fuck do you headcanon your way out of something being physically unable to see through itself? Do your fluffies have photo-receptive cells on their noses that serve to patch the holes in their vision? If they do, your headcanon is stupid, fuck off.
Hearing - Another sense that is at least comparable to human level of audio sensitivity, albeit, a lot more vulnerable to diminishing, due to fluffy frailty. A loud noise may cause a fluffy to experience a heart attack, but if they donât die from the fright, their overall ability to hear may be effected. A fluffyâs ears may also be chopped off to impair their hearing, but that seems mean.
Touch - Hey, donât you touch me, you disgusting shit-pig!
Taste - I would say fluffies are only good at tasting spaghetti, but you can feed them anything and call it spaghetti; they wouldnât know any better. Uncultured fucks. I feel like I need to watch Disney-Pixarâs Ratatouille to undo the travesty of what I just wrote.
Smell - Credit where credit is due: fluffies are believed to have an amazing olfactory sense. From detecting pheromones, sniffing out deficiencies among other fluffies, and truffle-hunting, a lot of people have embraced the pigly aspects of fluffies whether they realize it or not.
The fluffy growth stages;
The passage of time fluffies require to progress from the various stages are dependent on headcanon, and this is a question frequently pondered for those trying to get into making fluffy stories. For the sake of giving a starting point for the uninitiated, this description is as such. If you do not agree, remember: I do not give a fuck. This is for the purpose of establishing a baseline from which people can deviate as they see fit.
As a consequence of being living toys, fluffies were made to grow fast to maximize profit returns.
Stage 0: BIRTH - âMUMMAH HAB BIGGEST POOPIESâ. Welp, thereâs another one for the glossary.
Duration: POOOOPIES
Stage 1: CHIRPY - The newborn foal has left the birth canal. It is maneless, its tail is bare, and the foal is so very small. Its eyes are shut, and will remain as such for a while. It can barely crawl, and all it can do is suckle on itâs mothers teats. Hopefully sheâs competent â HAHA â and hasnât already picked out her favorite of the litter.
Duration: From delivery to a week old.
Stage 2: Walke-Talkie - Heâs fat and he donât go too fast, but heâs faster than me. If one were to find themselves outpaced by an adolescent fluffy, then I would assume that this person is already dead. As the nomenclature would suggest, this young foal is able to walk around with open eyes and utter statements to whoever it deems worthy. Which would be anyone and anything, I reckon. Its diet is still motherâs milk. Its mane and tail are starting to grow in.
Duration: One week.
Stage 3: Juvenile - Yep. At two weeks old, what you have here is just a smaller version of an adult fluffy. It should be ready for solid food at this point, and it should make the switch voluntarily. Fluffies are stupid at any age, though, so it may be a prissy-bitch-baby and insist on drinking milk. Point and laugh in the event of this occurring.
Duration: Two weeks
Stage 4: Adult - From birth to adulthood in only a month. Itâs like one of them capsules you dunk in water and watch grow over ten minutes. Except within the fiction of fluffies you wait a month and then your fluffies are off fucking each other to make more of themselves.
Duration: Five to fifteen years. Often much less than this due to the fluffy tendency to die.
Stage 5: Elderly - The fluffy is up in years, outliving the vast majority of its species by most metrics.
Stage 6: Deceased - Replace any stage after zero with this as necessary.
âCONCLUSION
Defining what a fluffy is in a way that makes everyone happy has been a thorn in this communityâs side for a long time. The solution is placing someone with a sense of humor and no fucks to give in charge of the wiki. Let my bosses know if Iâm doing a good job. Or not.
I need to go add bestest babbeh to the glossary now.
Riggidy-diggity.