Brennan Torgl paced backstage nervously. He had waited months to be considered for Feeding Frenzy and his turn finally came. Not a moment too soon, either. His current investors were nearing the end of their patience and were hoping to see further movement out of prototype stage. To do that he needed an injection of venture capital from the Piranhas. He had his working model waiting right there, draped effectively with a black cloth to hide what it contained. If only it could keep its mouth shut.
He watched the monitor of the entrepreneur in front of him. The Piranhas had not been kind to him. He tried to convince the venture capitalists that his new dating app would kill all other online dating apps through a powerful psychological profiling algorithm. When one of the Piranhas tested it, however, the highly conservative investor found little amusement in being profiled as a quad-gender socialist. Ouch.
Brennan snickered as there was movement beneath his black cloth. âToots nu wike dark! Nu wike sowwy box! Wan out!â
Brennan lightly smacked the cloth. âShut up! I told you, you donât talk! You just sit in your box, you stupid shit-rat!â
âHu-hu⌠Toots sowwy⌠Toots nu talk!â
A stage hand came up to Brennan, informing him that his turn was coming. âThis is itâŚ.â He told himself. âThis is make it or break itâŚ.â *He started wheeling his concealed product forward. He waited behind the door for his signal. The doors opened, and he wheeled his product forward. He puffed his chest, walking forward with purpose. His companyâs future rested on his shoulders at this very moment and failure was not an option.
He strolled in front of the Piranhas; the collection of five venture capitalists who took pleasure in humiliating stupid entrepreneurs in their search for lucrative companies. They leaned back, looking at Brennan with smug smiles on their faces. He could tell the Piranhas knew the power they held; they werenât going to hand over a penny unless Brennan convinced them he could make them money.
A stage hand handed Brennan a remote for his preloaded presentation, and the lead Piranha leaned in from his seat. âWell⌠your turn. What do you have for us?â he said with an air of greed palpable disdain.
Brennan nodded, starting his presentation. On the monitor, a pink fluffy appeared as the investors scoffed. Too often they had been subjected to terrible pitches of âfluffy farmsâ or âfluffy sanctuariesâ only to leave the hopeful business owners in tears. The fluffies were terrible, filthy vermin and had little intrinsic value due to their easy availability. One only had to visit a random alley to find one. They had little inclination to hear a pitch from yet another naĂŻve hugboxer.
âFluffies!â Brennan announced. âWe know what they are. What they do. They reproduce rapidly without thought. They clog our streets and our sewers. If we take out one herd, there will only be another to take their place, ready to increase their numbers within a few months.â He advanced the slide, showing a cartoonish animation of fluffies popping out other fluffies exponentially. He looked to the investors; he had their attention. Good, this was a good start.
âNowadays, you canât go to a park without the very real possibility of a fluffy begging you to be itâs ânyu daddehâ. He saw few nods from the Piranhas. âWherever they go, they leave their excrement laying all around. For us to step in. For those who are unlucky enough to cross a smarty, we may get âsorry poopiesââ.
The Piranhas leaned in, listening. This was not another hugboxer with hippy dreams. They saw that he was presenting a problem that was not being addressed. Good, the hook was being set.
âButâŚâŚâ he said, advancing to the next slide. On it was an animation of waves of gas wafting off a pile of shit. âWhat if we have overlooked a potential benefit? What if these fluffies, by their own nature, have been giving us a resource that can increase our energy independence? What if we can take this vermin, and use the one thing they are best at, excretion, to our own advantage?â He advanced to the next slide, showing what looked like a litter-pal with wires leading to a lightning bolt.
âClean burning energy. From a source that is biologically designed never to go away!â Brennan announced, pulling the cloth from his product.
âToo bwite! See-pwace huwties!!â
Before the Piranhas was a brown fluffy, trapped in what looked like a glorified, oversized metal litter-pal. The area around the fluffyâs body was see-through, showing a small holding tank behind the fluffy. Brennan flipped a switch, and there was a soft hum from the box.
Brennan looked to the Piranhas with a smile on his face, ready to show them the full scope of what he was offering. âIâm sure you all have some type of phone or device on you this moment⌠do any of you need a charge?â He watched as some of the Piranhas looked through their pockets, offering a phone to him. Brennan took a look at it. â58%? Well, weâll have that increased in no time! My device can more than support fast chargingâŚ.â He walked to the box, attaching a charging cable to one of the many ports on its side.
He looked to the investors with a big smile on his face. âFluffiesâŚâŚâ he continued, âHave a very poor digestive system. It was crudely designed by man and as such, is inefficient. Their unique excrement produces methane gas at a much higher rate than any animal found in nature since they cannot process nutrition effectively.â Brennan advanced the slide; an animation of gas being pulled into cartoon generators appeared. âOne of the great things about landfills is how they are able to turn garbage into methane, a gas that is far cleaner than most fossil fuelsâŚ.â
Brennan picked up a garbage bag. âI took the liberty of pulling trash from this buildingâs dumpster earlier today. I gathered some organic matter from itâŚâ He dumped some trash in front of the fluffy; mostly cast-offs from fruit. âEat, TootsâŚâ
âHu-hu⌠Toots nu wan num twashiesâŚâ the fluffy cried.
Brennan raised his hand as if to swat the fluffy, yelling âEAT!â Immediately it was seen that the fluffy evacuated its bowels, giving the machine more fuel. The fluffy quickly started consuming the trash in front of him.
âAs you can seeâŚâŚ we have a way to cut down on our organic waste. Most ferals that you find in a city will be more than happy to find an apple coreâŚ. a banana peelâŚ.â He turned to look at each investor individually. âMaybe even crust of sandwiches. Discarded greaseâŚâŚ We can now take our trash and give it to vermin. This vermin, now contained, will eat it. They will then turn it to clean burning energyâŚâ
One of the venture capitalists raised his hand. âVery interesting use of fluffies. HoweverâŚ. As I have experienced, these rodents wontâs stop sh***ing. Doesnât this build up? We canât just let it accumulate, can we?â
Brennan nodded with a smile. âYou are correct, sir! This is actually what brings me here today! Currently, we have the power production side developed. This is but one area that will see revenue growth. The other sideâŚâŚâ Brennan advanced the next slide, showing a cartoonish farmer field with a machine spreading droplets around. âThe buildup can be used for agricultural meansâŚâŚâ Brennan reached behind his box, pulling out a metal canister. âThis is an empty storage unit, able to compress three times its size of excrement within it. As you can seeâŚâŚâ He opened a panel, revealing an identical canister hooked up to the generator. He hit a valve, and carefully swapped it out with the empty one in little time. âEasily replaced, ready to ship for processing.â
The Piranha smiled at him. Nodding his head. âInteresting. NowâŚ. What are you asking for and what will this give me?â
This was it. This was his moment to make the deal. âIâm asking for $500,000 in return for a 20% stake in my company. Our alternative energy source, once developed, will attract government subsidies. We will also be able to distribute a source of cheap, but high-quality fertilizer to the agriculture industry which will also be a strong revenue stream. Places that implement my fluff-power generators will also qualify for energy credits through local power companies. Given that this fluffy alone has charged a phone toâŚ.â Brennan picked up the phone that was hooked up to the generator. â67% in a few minutes, with much more energy stored on the side, we can expect a much higher energy yield when implemented on a larger scale. There is great growth potential in this process which I have patented.â
Another Piranha raised his hand. âWhat about the ethical cost?â the investor asked. âIs it fair to keep these creatures contained in this manner? Donât they have feelings? Isnât this mistreating them?â
Brennan shook his head. âLetâs look at the facts⌠in the wild, the vast majority of these creatures die. The largest segment usually dies due to their own abject stupidity; they can drown in puddles. Many of them starve because they lack the mental capacity to gather enough food. PerhapsâŚâ Brennan gave a pause. âthe saddest part of their existence is how they die at each otherâs hands. Fluffies will kill other fluffies for no other reason than their color. Maybe they look wrong. Maybe they just want something the other fluffy has and are willing to kill them for it. The fact remains⌠these creatures are going to die, if not through their own lack of intelligence then their own, oblivious cruelty. They will never think they did anything wrong, either.â He stopped to look the investor in the eye. âThis way⌠they can be fed, cared for⌠even amused with a simple, low cost subscription to Fluff-TV projected into a warehouse. The sad truth about these creatures is that they have a chance for a happier life hereâŚ.â Brennan slapped the box containing the fluffy. ââŚthan left to their own devices.â
Another Piranha raised his hand. âIâll biteâŚâŚ letâs talk stakes and revenue sharesâŚâ
Brennan nodded. He had them and he knew it. His future was now secured.