"Going The Way Of The Dodo" by NobodyAtAll

Note: this story takes place a few days after “Walk The Dinosaur” Part 11. Beware of spoilers for the Primal Earth Saga.


A few days after the ChaotiX’s excursion to Primal Earth, Calvin, Marley, and Victor go to Blueberry’s Forest.

They’re sitting on the veranda of Tommy’s cabin, with Tommy, Blueberry, and Pierre.

“Pierre, I’ve been meaning to ask something. Was Zhala the Emperor you guys dealt with?”

Pierre nods.

“The Cabal dealt with him back in '93, Cal. He made it into our world, but we forced him back to the other side before he could get his claws on an asteroid fragment.”

Victor laughs.

“Yeah, I recognised the asshole, but he didn’t recognize me. He thought all humans look the same. A lot of dinotites do.”

Blueberry looks up at Victor.

“Das way-siss as fuk, Vic.”

“Tell me about it, Big Blue.”

“And Doc, there’s something I’ve been wondering since… The Feast.

“I can probably guess what.”

“Is every kid of an X-Positive also X-Positive?”

Victor answers that question.

“Nope. I’ve fathered a lot of kids, I’m not giving you an exact number, but I’d say about 25% of them were X-Positive. There’s a higher chance if both parents are X-Positive. Not every X-Positive who is related has the same powers, and not every kid of an Omega is also an Omega.”

“Well, that’s good, considering how many Iokan women have been impregnated by X-Positive men now. You knocked one up, I did, Andre did, and Seth knocked up more Iokans than the three of us put together. We shoulda brought condoms, Vic.”

“Yeah, we’ll just have to wait and see how much Judy and Eira’s babies take after Daddy Cal. To be fair, we weren’t expecting to get our dicks wet. And I didn’t know Seth had that in him. Not surprised, though. He’s a rock star through and through. But I see your point, Cal. If all of those cavebabies wind up with powers, we might not have room to train all of them.”

“Well, if any of them have powers, we can get some of those power dampening bracelets, like the one baby Quin has. Thanks for clarifying the matter, Vic. I was wondering about this for a while. Ever since our Quin was born, actually. I knew he inherited all of it, but I didn’t know if it worked like that for everyone.”

“But yu shudda knun dat, daddeh. Mawwey haf babbehs, an onwy wun of dem am Ess-Paw-si-tif. Same wif Snowbaww. An Bweezie an Mayday nu haf da same powahs as Mawwey an Snowbaww.”

“Right. It should have been easy to figure this out, Cal.”

“An den dewe am Scawface, hu haf mowe babbehs den eben Victow, an nu aww of dem am Ess-Paw-si-tif ee-fuw. Sum of dem haf powahs, but nun of dem am imm-ow-taw.”

“Ha! And he calls me a cad. I saw him run off with those triplets in Ioka Village! He’s at a breeder right now!”

“This coming from the guy who can’t keep his dick out of Loana. I’m surprised you aren’t banging her right now, Vic.”

“We’re waiting for Gabriel, she’s got some business to take care of.”

“You talked Gabriel into a threesome? Wow. That’s gonna be a strange one.”

“Look who’s talking!”


As Calvin and Victor engage in some good-natured bickering, Tommy turns to Pierre.

“Hey, Big P. There ain’t any portals to Primal Earth around here, are there?”

“There is. You know that big boulder, about ten minutes that way?”

Pierre points north-east.

“You mean the one with the fluffy-proof fence around it? That was there before Maria, Woodstock and I even showed up.”

Pierre smirks.

“Why do you think the fence is there, Tom? Why do you think I was monitoring this forest? It wasn’t just to observe the local herds.”

“Far out, man! I gotta go check it out!”

“Bwuebewwy haf bin wun-duh-win abowt dat fow a wong time. Bwuebewwy awsk Tommeh, but Tommeh nu knu. But Bwuebewwy fig-yuh dat dewe had tu be a wee-sun, su Bwuebewwy teww hewd tu stay away fwom big wock.”

“That was a clever move, Blueberry. There’s a flock of dodos near the other side of that portal, by the way. They’re plentiful on Primal Earth. Where do you think I got the DNA to clone mine?”

The Death of Dodos is retired too, but like the Death of Tyrannosaurus Rexes, like the other Deaths who reap species extinct on Modern Earth, the Death of Dodos needed a hobby.


Meanwhile, in a nearby bush, a Dutch sailor who was trying to figure out the best way to get to Pierre’s dodos overhears Pierre’s remark about dodos being plentiful on Primal Earth.

He immediately sneaks away from the cabin, and when he’s out of earshot, he runs away.

Perhaps he should have waited a few more minutes before he left.

In a clearing five minutes away, he runs into half a dozen other Dutch sailors, who were waiting for him to return.

Jongens, ik heb hele goede nieuws. Wij moeten niet meer tijd verspillen met die kut-wetenschapper, er zijn veel meer dodos.

Meer? Waar?

"Volg mij."


“But let me know if you want to go to Primal Earth, Tommy. I’ve got an asteroid fragment in my cabin, just in case I need to retrieve someone who accidentally wandered through. Without one of those fragments, you’re stuck there. And Primal Earth is a dangerous place.”

“I get that, man. A world fulla dinosaurs? I ain’t going there alone.”

“Well, I’ve got time. We can go later, if you want.”

“Alright!”

Tommy passes the atomica he was smoking to Pierre, gets up, and runs inside.

The others hear his conversation with Maria, who was watching TV with Moonflower and Woodstock.

“Hey, Maria! Pierre’s taking me to Primal Earth later. Just wanted to let you know, babe.”

“Don’t forget to put some shoes on first. Or some boots.”

“Aw, c’mon! You know how I feel about those foot-prisons!”

“Daddeh, du yu wanna step in a dai-no-saw poopie wif yu bawe footsie?”

“…No…”

“Den put sum bootsies awn, daddeh.”

“Okay, Woodstock. Because I trust your judgement. And yours, babe.”

“You don’t wanna get dino shit between your toes, honey.”

“Goo! Dino shit!”

Everyone outside the cabin starts laughing.

So does everyone inside the cabin.

Victor laughs so hard he falls out of his chair.

“I can’t believe those are Moonflower’s first words!”


Half an hour later, on Primal Earth, the Dutch sailors sneak up on a flock of dodos.

No drones, werewolves, demons, vampires, zombies, or hooded, masked mystery men here.

Yes, it was the same group of Dutch sailors every time.

They’re that persistent.

"Jongens, we hebben ze. Eindelijk."

Maar we kunnen niet terug naar onze wereld. De portaal wilde niet opengaan van deze kant, ik weet niet waarom.

Waarom zouden we teruggaan? Er zijn dodos zat hier, ik wil nooit meer weg!

"Ik ben benieuwd hoe ze smaken met barbecue saus."

"Ik hoop dat geen van deze dodos in een beer gaat veranderen."

"Mijn arm doet nog steeds pijn van toen die gemaskerde klootzak hem had gebroken."

"Ach, niet zeuren! Eet smakelijk, jongens!"

Then the sailors hear something big and heavy stomp up behind them, and they feel the ground beneath their feet shaking.

STOMP

STOMP

STOMP

And then they hear another sound.

It sounds like:

“SKREEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOONK!”

All of the sailors turn around, and when they see what’s there, they all say the same thing.

"Kut. We hadden in Nederland moeten blijven."

Yes, this is what it took for these idiots to finally learn their lesson.

They’re that stupid, too.

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