“Has this ever happened to you?”
“Huhuhuhuhu… biggest huwties ebah huuuuu huuuu, babbeh pwease hewp mummah… hu hu hu…”
“peeppeeppeeppeepeep peeeeeeeeep!”
Siiiiiigh
A green pegasus mare weeps hopelessly, looking more red than green as half of her body was now a smashed, bloody pulp with entrails spilling out from her front half, her front legs and half of it’s face also smashed in, it’s one functioning eye, red with tears desperately looks upon her last surviving foal, it’s wings and all of it’s legs pulled off, the remaining six foals, although it would be more accurate to call them stains at this point, were all smashed to smithereens. A tall, lean man with a slice of pizza for a head and wearing a spiffy, yet bloodied business suit towers over the massacre while holding a bloody hammer in his hand, a bored and dissatisfied look was plastered on his cheesy face.
“Has all the spark of abusing Fluffies gone out of YOUR life?”
“Yeah!” The literal pizza man responds to the disembodied voice while throwing his hammer to the floor, accidentally crushing the last survivor of his antics.
“BABBEH!”
“Do you wish there was a way to bring back the vim and vigor of abusing and killing Fluffies? Well wish no longer, because now there is Abuse Brew!”
Poof
Just then, with the magic of video editing a red can of Abuse Brew, accompanied with fast paced, heavy metal music appeared in the abuser’s hand, a look of exaggerated surprise and excite replaced his bored one.
“We at Hasbio Foods, with the help of the genius Soda Man himself, Dr. Brauenmeister have developed a pulse pounding, thirst killing, bloodlust invigorating tea-based energy drink developed specifically for those scamps out there who love abusing Fluffies!”
crack
The Pizza Man cracks open the can and boisterously chugs the drink and in an instant, transforms into a muscular, ethnically ambiguous adonis wearing a mask of the previous actor’s head. Crushing the can in his hand, the man then grabs the grieving mare by one of her intestines and swings her around above his head at full speeds, heavy metal music becoming more intense with it.
“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
The mare shrieks with unparalleled pain and terror before being slung onto a comically large dartboard, splattering right on the bullseye. Airhorns blare as confetti flies out and two, beautiful woman with large busoms, wearing dixie shorts and Abuse Brew brand t-shirts with cans of Abuse Brew in both hands come out and congratulate the man, wrapping in his muscular arms around them.
“Abuse Brew™ has 300 mg of caffeine and only 30 calories a pop. Abuse Brew is made with real, ethically sourced tea leaves and always made with NO artificial sweeteners, flavors or colors!”
A third scantily clad woman, visibly more muscular than the previous two, poured an entire five gallon container of the drink on top of the actor as a display of victory, the man flexing his now glistening muscles while the two groupies took off their soaking white shirts to reveal their cleavage on full display.
“Abuse Brew is also sweetened with an all-natural, proprietary sugar substitute devised by Dr. Brauenmeister and his crack team of Flavor Specialists™ called Abustrose that is synthesized from real Fluffy tears, which as the Doktor has discovered, has a chemical composition almost identical to real cane sugar and is just as sweet, and yet, is naturally calorie and carb free!”
“It’s almost like I can taste their suffering!” The blonde groupie said as she displayed a can of Abuse Brew directly to the camera.
“Abuse Brew comes in over twenty EPIC flavors that are both tasty and thirst quenching, such as Black & Blueberry, Rest in Peach and Citrus Bitchslap. Each can of Abuse Brew depicts stunning artwork of Fluffies being mutilated in the worst, yet most fitting ways possible, designed specifically to inspire sick and twisted thoughts into an abuser before gaining the energy to live them out with just one sip! Try and collect them!”
“Thanks Abuse Brew, you’ve quenched my thirst, AND my bloodlust!” said the voice over of the original actor placed over the muscular stunt double who gives a thumbs up to the camera, his can of Abuse Brew visible in the other hand.
A screen flip effect that you would see in a PowerPoint presentation transitions from the actors to a table displaying a dozen cans of Abuse Brew, twelve pack boxes, multiple pieces of merchandise, a faux Fluffy skull and the logo of the drink, being an illustration of a unicorn Fluffy’s head with a visible look of anguish on it’s face and a ghostly tail pouring out of a cracked open can in a liquid-like fashion.
“Buy now at any of these fine retailers!”
- Fluffmart
- FluffyFoods
- Fluffy-B-Gone™ Fluffy Pest Control Outlet
- Vitamin Shoppe
- Trader Joe’s
- Walmart
- Sam’s Club
- K-Mart
- Hot Topic
- Spencer’s
- Blockbuster
Disclaimer: Hasbio Co., nor any of its subsidiaries endorse, enable or glorify Fluffy abuse in any way, shape and form. Abuse Brew is a novelty product not to be taken seriously or be used as a tool in Fluffy abuse. Hasbio is not responsible for acts of abuse or general cruelty towards Fluffies that correlate with Abuse Brew purchase or consumption. The views displayed in this advert are satirical in nature and do not reflect the opinions of Hasbio or any of its employees or parent companies. All products mentioned and displayed are properties of Hasbio Co. with the exception of “Za”, the unofficial mascot of “abuse culture” and a creation of an individual who wished to stay anonymous, all rights reserved.
Hasbio: Where Fun Comes to Life!®
