Another old Reddit story, this one features some of my earlier concrete social commentary, where I’m putting it front and center like a self important dickhead.
Hey. My name’s Matt. I’m the Quality Control Supervisor for the euthanization machines. That’s fancy capitalist talk for “guy who makes sure fluffies don’t escape the grinder or the furnace.” They’re fed in by conveyor belt, but as it reaches the final destination, the bumpers along the sides disappear as the conveyor splits in two. The only guardrail is some Goofy Movie shit in the middle ensuring that, when you get to the fork, you have to turn in SOME direction.
Why remove the outer walls? Because this system is about maximizing efficiency with minimal downtime. And to be blunt, when you have them boxed in at this point, the hollerin and carryin on causes panic and they clump up. Back when it was FULLY automated it’d jam every few hours due to enough fluffies getting trampled trying to flee that it gummed up the machinery. No walls, no uncontrollable pileups. They just fall off.
The room is a fifteen by fifteen by thirty upright rectangle of concrete. No doors. The conveyor doesn’t just push fluffies through the opening, it drops them a foot onto the new belt as it comes through the wall. This way none of them can climb back, and the belt outside had already been gradually narrowing to make sure there would always be room on the final belt, which was far wider. Then, after the split, the left has a furnace and the right has a sort of slow moving wheel based crusher, like the ones they use to turn cars into little piles of shaved car. Like car zest for some kind of horrible Autobot cocktail you never want to see.
They both operate at “efficiency plus” which is the super serious name that the rich assholes running this place use to refer to running the furnace just hot enough to kill within a few minutes and the shreddercrusher on low power. Fluffies are delicate, so it doesn’t take much, but running it on low makes it SLOW. Like so slow that a starving foal can pretty easily keep out of the way of it. Honestly I’ve seen more than a few treat it like a game. That’s why there’s the fork. Fluffies only start really churning through the shredder once there are enough of them piled that the ones at the bottom can no longer dodge death, and since word eventually reaches back, fluffies will start crowding away, hence the furnace. If you give them two choices, they’re typically dumb enough to explore both even when they’re obviously equivalent.
And then some of them fall off onto the floor. That’s where I come in.
Like I said, no doors. Got here via ceiling ladder. My job is picking up and disposing of fluffies who escape briefly. It pays well, probably due to all the clearly human screaming I hear. No matter. Not like I have much choice. We don’t have a union since Amazon bought out the facility, and I live in a “Right To Work” state so if they want to sack someone for a protected reason (like unionizing or sucking dick in my free time) all they have to do is claim they did it for a different reason. Don’t even have to say what. So boom. One shithead boss dies and leaves his even shittier headed son in charge. Old man was just a dick, but his son is one a them MAGA weirdos who thinks the guy from The Apprentice discovered a global pedophile ring and then didn’t just join it and start…
Look. I got sacked for political reasons, and then the little prick blackballed me. Nobody would hire me. I had to send apps out of state before I could get calls back. So now I’m not a mechanic. Now I work here.
I don’t have to clean up constantly I’ll usually wait for enough to have hit the ground that they form huggy piles so I can get a couple fistfuls. I know they’re not really alive. I read they’re like a biomech or something. I pick up a blustery unicorn foal blowing a raspberry and screaming about giving me hurties. I hold his skull by the temples between my thumb and middle finger. I squeeze hard and his screaming stops.
Looks alive to me. Guess I’m just old.
Once I got used to how alive they sound, it got way easier. Hell, I kinda enjoy it now. No cell service, so I sit here and read. If I get bored, well, I’m in a room full of toys.
“Pwease! Pwease hewp!” I look down. There’s a mangy mare with one pretty healthy plump foal on her back. “Pwease! Scawy wawkie pwace stawt moobin’ an Shugawpwum get scawedy! Pwease hewp babbehs! Am onwy wittwe babbehs!” I chuckle. “Looks more like LASTEST babbeh there. Guess you’re a bad mummah.” That’ll set her off.
“Nuuuu! Whewe gween babbeh gu! Onwy hab puwpwe babbeh nao! Huuu huuu huuu…,” I let her sob for a minute. She wanders off and I get up to clear a jam at the mouth of the furnace. Sometimes you’ll get one that manages to wedge itself in the furnace door because fear of death outweighs the injuries doing so will cause. It’s hard, and even if they were pulled back their bones would be shattered.
It’s a big blue stallion. One of the bigger fluffies I’ve seem come down here. He’s managed to grab on to the edge of the opening, largely with his teeth. He’s crying. He’s terrified and in pain. I almost reach out for him, but then I have a way funnier idea.
“Hey buddy, do you want a new daddy?” His tears slow. He’s trying to move his head to indicate. “What? I can’t hear you use your words.” Now a new expression. Panicked confusion. He needs my help, but asking for it would mean letting go. But he seems to have an epiphany of sorts.
If he lets go, new daddy will catch him!
“Fwuffy wan nyu-” and he falls. I step towards the furnace to look down inside. It’s hot enough to kill, but it takes a minute or two. He’s running around and screaming. The burners are below a grate far enough down that the fluffies get slowly toasted rather than immediately incinerated.
“Hewp! Hewp! Fwuffy faww in buwnie pwace! Nyu daddeh, sabe fwuffy!” Sure, bud. I go to the conveyor belt where a mummah is holding her last baby. She knows what’s coming and isn’t trying to avoid it. All that matters is her and her lastest baby being together. There’s plenty of unaccompanied foals, but hers is well fed and plump so I think I can throw it better.
“It otay, babbeh. Stay wif mummah. Huwties nu take wong time. Babbeh stay wif mummah su bof can gu tu skettywand.” She’s softly stroking her sobbing baby. “Nu faiw! Am gud babbeh! Mummah an babbeh nu shud hafta gu fowebba sweepies! Wan gwow up an be big fwuffy! Wai nu can gwow up? Huuuuu…” Sweet, he’s a talker. I was getting bored.
I grab him like an orange from a fruit basket, completely ignoring his mother. I shove my thumb in his mouth and close off his throat. He can breathe through his nose. Or not, he’s just a projectile. “Nuuuuu! Nu take wastest babbeh! Nu huwt!” But she stops. “Am…am nice mistuh gon be nyu daddeh fow babbeh?” Huh. Weird. They’ve usually given up by this point.
I ignore her. I walk to the furnace about ten feet away. The other guy is still down there. He’s running. Like ACTUALLY running. It’s the fastest I’ve seen a fluffy move. He seems to know that stopping means death. Even as it is, I can see bits of his hoof pads getting left behind with each frantic clumsy step. “Tu hawt! Tu hawt! Fwuffy nu wike! Owwies! Owwies an buwnie huwties!” I line him up as the mother approaches. I take my thumb out. “Anything you want to say before you die?”
He’s coughing up bile and blood. His eyes are red and puffy from the strain of trying to scream with his mouth plugged up. “Nu huwt babbeh…Gib back tu mummah…babbeh wan be wif mummah fow gu tu skettywand… Nu…nu wan get wost. Nu wan be awone…” His mom is here now. Good.
“Don’t worry Fastball. You won’t be alone.” His eyes light up. “Babbeh…babbeh am Fastbaww? Babbeh wub nyu namesi-” And I send him on a beeline to the slowing blue fluffy in the furnace. Couldn’t have aimed it better. He impacts on the side of Blue’s head, knocking him down. The second his face and torso hit the metal grate, he’s done. He’s not dead, but he’s never gonna unstick himself. Not that there’ll be much left to unstick, mind you. In a brilliant stroke of luck, the babbeh lands safely on his side. Nice. Time to fuck with mamma.
She’s still sobbing about “Huuhuu mummah wose wastest babbeh, nu am mummah nu mowe…” I grab her by her head mane and hoist her up to look into the furnace. Her baby is sitting on top of the slowly expiring fluffy he helped to knock down. It’s very hot in there. He’s really feeling it.
“Hewp! Peep! Peep cheep! Hewp babbeh! Mummah sabe Fastbaww! Mummah sabe wastest babbeh!” The mare is despondent. “Nuuuuu! Wastest babbeh! Mummah hewe, babbeh! Mummah hewe!” She turns to me. “Pwease, mummah need babbeh! Babbeh need mummah! Pwease nu make wittwe wastest babbeh hab buwnie huwties awone, mummah need hewp babbeh su babbeh nu am scawdies. Den mummah an babbeh gu tu skettywand. Babbeh get wost wif nu mummah!” I laugh again. “Hey Fastball!” I yell, “Your mom’s going to skettyland now! Sorry you won’t go with her, but baby fluffies don’t get to go to Skettyland unless they have a mummah or daddeh to carry them in.” An already panicked baby was now weeping steam tears. They boiled off his cheeks leaving red patches of bare skin. “Nuuuuu! Mummah! Sabe babbeh! Mummah say babbeh gu tu skettywand! Mummah pwomise! Mummah teww babbeh nu be scawed! Nuuu! °haf° °haf°.” The stallion’s fluff finally ignited. It quickly reaches the baby. He’s engulfed in seconds. No longer able to speak, he just screams as his fluff disappears and his flesh begins to harden and crust. His eyes have burst from the heat. The last thing he hears is his mother shrieking. “Nuuuu! Wastest babbeh! Mummah gon come soon! Bwing tu Skettywand!”
“No you’re not.” I boast. “You’re going in the crusher. Lastest Baby won’t ever find you! He won’t even recognize you!” I force an evil laugh as I walk around the passthru and towards the grinder. It’s churning a lot of bits and bobs around. The mare is struggling against my grip and whining. “Nu! Put mummah in buwnie pwace! Mummah wan die wif babbeh! Mummah wan die wif babbeh!” Some of the mares with babies seeing this start to panic. “You dumb sack of shit, now they’re upset.” I growl. “You don’t get to die how you want. This isn’t about you. I sit down here all fucking day watching you shithogs piss and moan until you die. If I want your baby to die alone, your baby will die alone. And you?” I smile cruelly. “You just bought yourself a longer life.”
The screeching her foal was making has stopped. In her face I see recognition. “See? Now you’re a mummah nu mowe.” My mockery has no effect. She’s still in shock. I take her to the rim of the crusher. One by one I put her legs over it and hit the loose ends to break them. She screams, but it’s hoarse.
Hehehe. “Hoarse.”
I drop her in the corner opposite my chair. “Here. You’ll die tonight. Or maybe tomorrow. Either way, your lastest baby is long gone.” I lean down to her. “You shouldn’t have told me what to do.” I glare and she cowers. Maybe feeling guilt for causing this.
I think this job has made me a shitty person.