"Lavender: Home Improvement" by NobodyAtAll

Warning: spoilers for the Light and Darkness Saga.

You are Lavender, and right now, you’re really excited!

There’s a lot of big things happening around the fawm lately. Not as big as that whole thing with Vuw-cah-nus a while back, but still!

First of all, your daddeh is finally weh-noh-vay-tin the old big housie that Bad Dee-mun James used to do bad things to fluffies in.

It’s called a bawn. You know this, because you’ve been living on the fawm for a long time now.

What weh-noh-vay-tin means, your daddeh explained, is that they’re going to make it all pretty inside, and outside, and completely change it.

This is the really exciting part.

See, your daddeh decided to make the old bawn into a big play area for you and all of your fluffy friends!

You weren’t so sure about the idea at first, but then you gave it some thought.

After all, Bad Dee-mun James hurt a lot of fluffies in there. Like poor Scrappy. He’s still doing well.

But now, now, it’ll be a place where fluffies like you can play and be happy!

When you looked at it like that, it seemed like a wonderful idea.

Then there’s the other good news.

Rose and Rowan have had their second babbehs, and they chose little Ivy to stay.

Ivy is green and pale pink, with yellow see-places, and no wingies or hornie.

But she turned out to have Fuh-numma-num Ecks, so she’s wearing a no-powahs thingy, like you used to, until she can be twained.

Mistah Cal said that twaining babbehs is something the Kay-oh-tiks does not do.

“What sick man sends babies to fight bad guys, Lav? What kind of dad would I be if I threw Young Quin at a psycho like Deedee? Or at a plateau?”

“A weawwy bad daddeh.”

“Yup. I’ve got a drinking buddy at the Inn who did that with his kid. He’s not a bad guy, he’s just… kinda dumb. But he suffered a bad brain injury as a baby, so he’s got an excuse.”

You think it’s kind of weird that none of your babbehs got any powahs, but it’s your turn to have babbehs with Oak next, so… well, you’d cross your fingews, but you don’t have any.

You hope one of them has powahs like yours, because then you can twain them.

That would be nice.

Ivy’s got planty powahs, like Ceres, one of your fluffy allies in the Kay-oh-tiks, so Ceres and mistah Floris will be twaining her when she’s ready.

Your daddeh and mummah grow nummie planties on the fawm too, so they’re very happy about Ivy’s powahs. They’ll really come in handy, daddeh said.

Mistah Floris isn’t Ceres’ daddeh, but they work together a lot, because mistah Floris has planty powahs too, because he’s a dwoo-id. He’s got a couple of fluffies of his own, Herb and Flora, and they’re even more planty than Ivy and Ceres.

Their fluff is planties.

Apparently, dwoo-ids are like wizz-uwds, but “really in touch with Nay-chuw,” according to mistah Cal.

What’s a Nay-chuw, and why do dwoo-ids like to touch it?

You don’t know. You should probably ask someone.

Maybe mistah Victor knows. You’ve been meaning to ask him what a hookie is, but things just keep getting in the way.

Still nobody on the fawm will tell you what a hookie is.

And you’re trying to respect their men-taw pwai-vah-see.

Right now, you and Oak are watching your daddeh, uncle Jim, mistah Alpha and mistah Mal work on weh-noh-vay-tin the bawn. They’ve already changed the colors on the outside of the bawn, and it looks really nice! It was just sort of brownish before, now it’s lots of colors!

Mistah Chaos said that it’s “multi fortuni”, which apparently means very pretty, and he wanted to put a big picture of himself on it, using a really big rubber thing called a… a stomp? That’s probably it. Your daddeh said he can put it on the side when the bawn is done.

This made mistah Chaos happy. Mistah Pwommy wouldn’t let mistah Chaos put a stomp in mistah Alpha’s pawk.

But mistah Alpha named the pawk after mistah Chaos, so mistah Chaos was happy about that, too.

The stomp really was big. You asked mistah Chaos how he could lift it, and he just said “I’m Chaos, that’s how!”

It took you a rather long time to recognise mistah Chaos as the talking stweet-wite you flung at dee-muns with the floaty thing, during the dark cloudy sky thing.

He didn’t mind. He said it was fun, and if you ever need to throw something at someone with the floaty thing again, you can always ask him. He said that he can look like anything he wants to.

He’s got his own fluffies, too. Loki and Eris. They’re both nice, and really pretty! They’ve got lots of colors, like mistah Tommy’s fluffy Woodstock and the bawn.

Your other daddeh and auntie Amy are out hunting dee-muns, and your hoomin bwuddah James is twaining Lilah. She wants to be a dee-mun hunter too, she said. And the rest of your fluffy friends are watching your mummah give the chikkins nummies.

Nanny, mistah Cal’s gwamma, is in the housie, keeping a see-place on Keith, your other hoomin bwuddah. She loves babbehs, and she said that “any friend of our Cal is a friend o’ mine.”

Your other daddeh and James have new aw-mows now. They’re called Oh-may-guh Bustahs, and they’re made for fighting bad guys who are as strong as mistah Cal.

Your other daddeh said it was really ai-won-ik that mistah Cal chose them to give those Oh-may-guh Bustahs, because of how much the old dee-mun daddeh and James koh-veh-ted mistah Cal and mistah Miles’ powahs.

They recently had to use them to fight a bad white version of mistah Cal in a place called Neh-vah-dah. That’s where Woss Vay-gus is. Apparently, three bad old hoomins took mistah Cal’s powahs away, and the powahs became the white mistah Cal.

Then the white mistah Cal turned into glowy white goop, they said afterwards, when they were telling all of you how it went. James almost made sickie wawas in his Bustah when that happened. And a glowy munstah took control of the goop, and tried to give the real mistah Cal forever sleepies.

Why do so many munstahs want to give mistah Cal forever sleepies?

But it all worked out. Mistah Cal got his powahs back, and he can do this new thing that turns his not-fluff white, and he got his forever sleeping bwuddah mistah Scott back too. Well, not forever sleeping, since he came back. So you don’t feel the heart hurties when you’re around mistah Cal anymore.

Mistah Scott is a neff-uh-wim now, like your uncle Klaus. They’re out stopping bad hoomins from hurting fluffies right now.

Your other daddeh and James aren’t using their Oh-may-guh Bustahs, though. They said that would be a bit too much when hunting dee-muns, so they’ve gone back to using their regular silver aw-mows until they need the Bustahs again.

And now mistah Cal and mistah Niv who lives in mistah Cal’s head can split apart from each other. Mistah Mal seems to like mistah Niv a lot.

Mistah Mal is nice, even though he’s a bit scary-looking. He’s from another world, and him and his friends have been helping rebuild Woss Vay-gus. They all love building stuff.

They’re almost done with that, and mistah Victor is really excited about that. Mistah Victor still wants to take you on that gam-bwin trip.

“I already asked Famke if I could take Chakra, but she said noooooo.

Well, you like making hoomins happy, and letting mistah Victor take you to Woss Vay-gus will make him happy.

He promised you that you’d get a big cut, and then clarified that he wasn’t talking about owwies.

“Of the profits, Lav! A cut of the profits! You know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

But that’ll have to wait a while longer.


You’re a soon-mummah again!

You only became a soon-mummah again a couple of bwite times ago, so you’re still good to do walkies.

But you can do the floaty thing on yourself, so even when you can’t walk, you won’t be helpless this time.

You could probably use that to trick bad hoomins who think a soon-mummah is an easy target. You’re gonna have to remember that.

If only you could make hoomin scribbles, you could use one of those little sticky yellow square paper things your mummah uses when she wants to remember stuff.

You got one of those things stuck to your face once. It took you all bwite time to get it off.

You watch your daddeh, on a tall thing called a wadd-uw, putting a big X in a thing with eight sides above the big doows of the bawn.

That’s the Kay-oh-tiks’ woh-goh. When the bawn is done, all of the fluffies in the Kay-oh-tiks will be welcome to come play here, your daddeh said.

You’re not the only fluffy in the Kay-oh-tiks with one of those cowwaws that lets you bloop to other places now.

Miss Val explained that blooping is perfectly safe, even when you’re a soon-mummah, so you don’t need to worry about you and your soon-babbehs getting Kwoh-nun-buwgd, whatever that means.

It has something to do with those little buggies called fwies and someone called Jeff Gold-bum.

And they can easily put new koh-ow-dih-nits in those cowwaws. That means, uh… like a bunch of numbers that tell you where something is? Something like that. But if they put the koh-ow-dih-nits of a place in one of those cowwaws, it means the fluffy wearing the cowwaw can bloop to that place.

It’s pretty handy. If you ever get lost, you can just bloop home. As long as you’re still on Uwf, that is.

If only every fluffy had a cowwaw like that.

Mistah Mal, holding the wadd-uw, grins up at your daddeh.

“So you’re sure you don’t wanna use my idea, Mr. Oldman?”

“I’m sure, Mal. That skull fortress would be a major fire hazard, and none of our fluffies are fireproof.”

“My buddy could probably make some fireproof armor for them. He’s got a suit like that. If he’s wearing it, he can swim in lava and he won’t even be singed.

Mistah Alpha walks out of the bawn, carrying a big metal boxie full of dirties.

“Alright, I’ve got a space for the ball pit dug out. Won’t be too deep. How about bringing some of those farming robots you guys have here, Mal? You’d be okay with that, right Les?”

“I dunno, I think some of my employees would complain about being put out of a job. And they’re like family to me.”

“Yeah, I get that, that’s why Korkea Bros. Construction has a self-imposed limit on how many jobs we’ll take in a year. Maybe Carrot Boy would like a few of those robots, instead. Then he can train without his wife nagging him.”

Mistah Carrot Boy is another mistah from another world. You’ve met him and some of his friends at the Inn Between Worlds.

For some reason, hoomins from mistah Carrot Boy’s world look a lot like hoomins from mistah Mal’s world.

Uncle Jim grins at mistah Mal.

“Maybe you should ask Suzy if you can put a skull fortress on Faucheuse Tower, Mal.”

“Do you think she’d believe me if I promised not to put any lava in it?”

Mistah Alpha puts the boxie down.

“She can detect lies, Mal. So what do you think?”

Mistah Cal thinks that Xidorn, missus Suzy and mistah Xav’s babbeh, might have gotten that powah from his mummah.

Whenever someone says a lie around Xidorn, he starts crying.

And missus Suzy said that she wants mistah Mal and his friends to put a nice gawden on top of the Towah when they’re done with Woss Vay-gus. And mistah Cal is trying to figure out what to do with a metaw ai-wand the Kay-oh-tiks got a while ago, he said that mistah Mal’s friends can probably help with that, too.

That was when the whole Kay-oh-tiks went to a place called Shan-guy. There were a lot of bad wobots, and you, Chakra and Magnum used your floaty thing on them.

They weren’t wizz-uwd wobots, like mistah Pwommy, or those bad wobots the dok-tows’ daddeh used a couple of yeews ago.

But they were still really strong. Apparently, one of those magic wockies like the one mistah Cal gave Vuw-cah-nus forever sleepies with was being used to make the wobots move. Those wockies are called Stonies of Ock-tay-voh.

How many of those wockies are there?

And is there a purple one?

As you and Oak are watching the hoomins and mistah Alpha work, you suddenly hear a sound behind you.


You both turn around, seeing the dok-tow. Dok-tow Deston, not dok-tow Pierre.

He’s got Sorcie with him, and Merlin, and Ridcully!

Rebonjour, mes amis agriculteurs! Comment se passe la rénovation?

You and Oak rush to hug Ridcully, and then you look up at the dok-tow, seeing him wave at the hoomins. And mistah Alpha.

“Dok-tow, yu an Wavendew bof knu dat Wavendew nu haf anee ai-dee-yuh wut yu jus sed.”

He chuckles.

“My apologies, Lavender. I was merely asking how the renovation is going.”

“Wavendew fink it am guin weww. Su wut am yu duin hewe?”

Sorcie smiles at you. Oak is already playing huggy tag with Ridcully. It’s good for bon-ding.

“Ridcully wanted to stop by, and we had some free time.”

Merlin grins at you.

“Awso, Weggay an Mowtis am at da Sanctum again, an we wan-ed tu gib dem sum space.”

The dok-tow nods, looking a bit annoyed.

“Necrosis is still refusing to talk, you see. He’s been trying to negotiate his release.”

“Weggay sed dat he wud wet Nek-woh-sis gu, if Nek-woh-sis bwowt ev-wee-wun he gabe foweba sweepies back tu wife, an nu as zum-bees.”

Sorcie laughs.

“And magic can’t do that, so it’s a fool’s errand.”

En effet, Sorcie. Reanimating undead is perfectly possible, but no magic we know of can achieve true resurrection.”

“Mite as weww twy tu make gowd wif magic.”

“Mebbeh wunna dem Stonies of Ock-tay-voh cud du dat?”

The dok-tow gives you a serious look.

“Trust me on this, Lav: we’re better off not meddling with power like that. Not if we don’t have to.”

Meanwhile, at the Sanctum, in the garden, Reggae and Mortis, elite zombies, continue their interrogation of Necrosis the Undying, lich necromancer, who is still nothing but a toothless rotten head, full of rotten thoughts.

An enclosure has been set up, and inside the enclosure, several hyenas, on loan from the city’s zoo, look hungrily up at Necrosis, currently floating above the enclosure with a worried expression on his face.

Hyenas do have a taste for carrion, even if it’s still talking.

Don’t worry, those hyenas are being taken good care of during their little “vacation”.

Reggae is holding a magic wand, pointing it at Necrosis to make his head float. Occasionally, he makes the lich’s head bob down, then pulls it back up before the hyenas can take a bite out of Necrosis.

Anyone can use wands, despite what the writings of J.K. Rowling may have told you. They’re preloaded with a number of spells, which can be used a number of times, and the wands can be recharged when depleted.

Unless you’re on a tight budget, and can only afford the cheap one spell, one use wands.

“Where’s your phylactery, Necrosis?”


“Den jus teww us whewe yu gawd-dam fai-wak-tuh-wee am awweady!”


“Wook hu am tawkin, Nek-woh-sis.”

“Honestly, Necrosis, you shoulda just stayed on Magicca. There, you only had Dehak to deal with. Here, you have us. We’ve got all the time in the world, you know. We can keep doing this until the heat death of the universe. And it’s all because you created that damn stick.”

“Sho?!? I’m not the one who ushed my Shtaff on you dopesh! The shite-rodent Umbra did!”

Reggae scowls up at Necrosis.

“Yeah, but you created it. So either way… dis a all yuh fault.”

“An we mite stiww git a chance to pun-ish Umbwa tuu.”

“Yup. Can’t believe he wasn’t actually super dead. So we’ve already got enough persistent cunts who refuse to die on our hands, Necrosis. C’mon. Help us lighten our workload. They’ve been saving a spot for you Down There for a looooooong time.”

“Yu fink Hans mite come back anudda time, Weg?”

Reggae laughs.

“If he does, Mortis… I think Cal will have an aneurysm out of sheer rage.