Warning: spoilers for the Multiverse Saga.
You are Lavender, and a few bwite times ago, about a week, something odd happened.
Your old daddeh and your auntie Amy were wearing silver clothies, and they said they going away for a while.
“Whewe am owd daddeh an auntie guin? Am owd daddeh guin tu Amm-stew-dam?”
Your old daddeh laughed.
“I’ve been there before, in my timeline. Great weed, but I could do without all the hookers. But no, Lav, we’re not going to Amsterdam.”
“The Nerd Squad tracked down that demon Cal. He’s hiding in some citadel outside time and space.”
“Wike da Inn?”
“Exactly, Lav. We’re gonna hunt the bastard down. I hope we come back.”
“I hope there’s something for us to come back to, Chris.”
Things got a bit weird after that, and you don’t really remember what happened.
But it worked out. You think. Your old daddeh and your auntie came back, and said they were here to stay.
“The O.M.A. offered to bring our families from our timeline back, but it didn’t work.”
“They’re still trying to find out why it didn’t work, but… they told us not to get our hopes up.”
“So we’ll be staying here, and if the O.M.A. does find a way to bring them back… we’ll have to figure something out.”
Who’s the O.M.A.?
But couple of bwite times after that, something even odder happened.
A few mistah Cals showed up on the fawm. Mistahs Cal? Whatever. They were wearing shiny clothies too, but those ones looked different.
And they had someone else with them.
James.
Naturally, you were scared, you ran and hid behind your daddeh’s weggie.
“Eeep! Nu huwt Wavendew!”
“Lav, I’m not gonna hurt you. I don’t like hurting fluffies. Jesus, what did this timeline’s me get up to?”
When you realized it wasn’t your James, you calmed down.
And when your daddeh, your old daddeh, your uncle Klaus and the mistah Cals answered James’ question, he had to go make sickie wawas.
“He did what in the old barn?!? Holy shit! I just smoked weed in there! Oh man, I think I gotta-- hrrrk”
While he was doing that, you asked the mistah Cals a question of your own.
“Su am mistah Caws awso fwom udda timewines?”
One of them, who was actually a miss Cal, explained.
“Oh yes, we’re officers of the O.M.A., the One Man Army. We police the timelines of this part of the multiverse.”
So that’s who the O.M.A. is!
“In my timeline, everyone is the opposite sex, compared to most other timelines.”
“Su, da Wavendew in miss Caw timewine am stawwion?”
“Yup, and he’s got psychic powers too.”
“Su wut timewine am dat James fwom?”
“One where M-666 killed his family.”
“Who am Emm-Siss-Siss-Siss?”
“You know Marley? Well, in Timeline-666, that Calvin and Marley both became demons.”
“Wike mistah Dave an Swayew?”
“Exactly, Lav. But that Calvin and Marley went all the way there, like the Chris and James of this timeline. Full-blown demons, inside and out. We couldn’t bring that James’ family back either, so we brought him here, at your Calvin’s request.”
“Oh. Su, dis James nu am dee-mun?”
“No, he’s not a demon, Lav. He’s a lot nicer than the James you know. He graduated from his college, he didn’t shoot up the place.”
“Oh.”
That’s also gonna take some getting used to.
It was weird enough seeing your old daddeh again.
Rose has had her babbehs, and they’re all happy and healthy.
So you’ve got your own little herd now. There’ll be, uh… nine fluffies living on the fawm.
Since you were the first fluffy to live on the fawm, you consider yourself the smarty, and the other fluffies agree.
You told your daddeh that you want to be a good smarty, like Blueberry and Marley, not a meanie smarty who only thinks about herself.
You said that you think the world is ready for more mare smarties.
His reply?
“That’s very progressive of you, Lav! Break that glass ceiling!”
You looked up at the saferoom ceiling, but it’s not made of glass. That’s what that see-through stuff is called, you know now.
What was your daddeh talking about?
Right now, you’re in the sitty, with your daddeh, your old daddeh, your uncle Klaus, and James, sitting outside a kaff-ayy. You’re sitting on the table, drinking apple juice.
A mistah at the next table looks at your hoomin bwuddah James.
“Hey, aren’t you James Oldman? The guy who shot up his school? Aren’t you supposed to be dead? And a demon?”
Cousin James laughs nervously.
“I’m his counterpart from another timeline. And I don’t like what this timeline’s James did either. I’m not like him. I’m not a demon, I can assure you. Not even a half-demon. Neither was my timeline’s Chris. I know, it sounds unbelievable–”
“No, I believe you. There’s been so much crazy shit going on in the last couple of years, I can buy that.”
“Yeah, this isn’t the first time I’ve had this conversation since I got here. I’ve been getting a lot of odd looks. People at my… his alma mater are cool with me, Kyle and Rex are cool with me, the cops are cool with me, but some people think I’m just as bad as the James Oldman they know.”
“Prove those assholes wrong, buddy. Doomguy Dave is a half-demon, and he’s not an asshole. Well, he used to be an asshole, but he proved that he didn’t have to be an asshole.”
“In my timeline, he didn’t prove that. In my timeline, Marley crossed Threshold X around the time Miles did in this timeline. I’ve been catching up on this timeline’s history, I’m an avid reader. Point is, in my timeline, it was Dave and Slayer wreaking havoc in clone bodies.”
“Huh. Neat. I’d like to hear more, but I gotta take a whiz, this coffee goes right through me.”
Uncle Klaus nods, as the mistah gets up to go to the baff-woom.
“But that makes sense, James. A big part of our Dave and Slayer’s change of heart was seeing how far our Chris and James had sunk. That, and Sandra catching up with Dave.”
“In my timeline, Dave was dumped by Sandra when he started showing the signs of his demonic transformation. He blamed it on Cal. It was all downhill from there.”
Your daddeh laughs.
“From what Cal told us, our Sandra wasn’t happy when she found out about Dave being a half-demon, but she managed to accept it. They’re married now. They recently had a second kid. Another son. They named him after Cal.”
Your old daddeh smiles sadly.
“So there’s a Little Cal in this timeline too. It’s just not my Little Cal.”
Your daddeh pats your old daddeh on the back.
“Believe me, Chris. I know what you’re going through. Me and Helen were there when they executed our James.”
“Su dat am whewe daddeh an mummah went.”
“That’s right, Lav. He didn’t even acknowledge that we were there.”
“But it’s not the same, Les.”
“I know. Your Little Cal didn’t deserve it. But it still broke my heart, seeing what my son had become. I still feel like it was my fault. That I had failed as a father. That…”
Your daddeh sighs.
“That everyone he killed… is on me.”
James gives your daddeh a sad look.
“And I know how that feels, Dad. Maybe some people will never stop wondering if I’m gonna snap and shoot up a school like the James they know did. Maybe they’ll hate me for what he did forever. Maybe I deserve that for taking his place.”
Your daddeh manages a smile.
“Hey, the cops aren’t trying to arrest you for it. So there’s that, m’boy. And me and Helen are thrilled to have you back in our lives.”
“I’m thrilled, too. You don’t wanna know what that Demon Marley did to you guys.”
Your old daddeh smiles weakly.
“I can probably guess.”
Your daddeh looks like he’s just thought of something.
“We’ll talk to Cal. If he can get the O.M.A. to bring a nice James here, he can probably get them to find an orphan Little Cal too.”
“…I’d like that. It’s funny how quickly we can adjust to this kind of thing, isn’t it? Jumping ship to a new timeline? You know that scientist friend of Pierre’s? Who gave Cal the portal gun?”
Your daddeh, uncle Klaus, and James all nod.
“Well, he’s done that with his grandson a few times. The first time, the poor kid did not take it well. But, according to the scientist, it was kind of the kid’s fault.”
Your daddeh raises an eyebrow.
“What did the kid do?”
Your old daddeh shrugs.
“I dunno, the guy said something about vole pheromones, praying mantis DNA, a flu virus and his grandson’s tendency to think with his dick. I couldn’t make all of it out, he was slurring and belching a lot. I think he’s got a drinking problem. He makes this timeline’s Chris look like a teetotaler.”
Your daddeh laughs.
“Hey, you’ve got it under control. You like to drink, so do I, so does Jim, but we know when to put the bottle down.”
Uncle Klaus holds up the beew he’s drinking.
That’s a kind of siwwy wawas, you know that now, too.
“I can still drink, y’know. I mean, angels can drink too, but they can’t really get drunk. But I’m just a mortal soul who happens to have angelic powers, so I can still get drunk. And believe me, you have no idea how happy Mika is that he can still get drunk in Heaven. It wouldn’t be Heaven if he wasn’t happy.”
Your old daddeh tilts his head in confusion.
“I know demons can’t get drunk, because the alcohol burns up inside their bodies before it can affect them. Me and Amy have been doing a lot of research on demons. Being a Hunter takes more than brawn, you know.”
“Yeah, but you’ve got brawn now. You’ve gotten more jacked than Bad Chris.”
“Thanks, Les. But my point is, why can’t angels get drunk?”
Uncle Klaus looks a bit embarrassed.
“Divine mandate. Apparently, a long time ago, an angel got rip-roaring drunk and ended up cursing out the Boss. After that, He banned all angels from getting drunk. They can drink as much booze as they want, and they won’t even get tipsy. Never challenge an angel to a drinking contest, boys. Of course, again, nephilim aren’t angels, so the ban doesn’t apply to us.”
“And your Boss won’t close that loophole?”
“Not unless we give Him a reason. And I’m trying to drink responsibly now. I wouldn’t be dead if I had done that to begin with.”
“You wouldn’t have badass nephilim powers, either.”
“True, James. But that doesn’t make how I acted back then okay. I shouldn’t have run away.”
“Wai did un-cuw Kwaus wun away?”
Uncle Klaus looks very embarrassed.
“The same reason Bad Chris got kicked off the farm. I came home from a night of drinking, walked into an intervention, and… shit just sorta escalated.”
“For the record, I’m sorry about how the other Chris treated women. Especially Judy. And Helen, Les.”
“You haven’t once ogled Helen since you got here, Chris. Yeah, she knew Bad Chris couldn’t keep his eyes off her, and she was always worried that he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off her.”
“But I’m a happily married man. I never cheated on my Amy. And Cal won’t catch me doing business on Bang Street.”
“Exactly! You’re a gentleman, bro!”
You hear a fluffy coming up the street. It’s easy to hear fluffies coming, even you know that fluffies have a tendency to not know when to keep quiet.
“Scwappy wub habin fouw weggies again!”
“Yes, that Dr. Stahlberg was so helpful, such a nice young man. Much nicer than his uncle, dearie me…”
You turn, and see a purple and red unicorn stallion, on a walk with his mummah, an old wady.
When they get close, Scrappy sees James.
“Oh, poopies. Nu him!”
Your daddeh sees the looks on the stallion and his mummah’s faces.
“It’s alright, ma’am. It’s not that James! This one is a Nice James! He’s from an alternate timeline.”
“I need to get a T-shirt saying that made. It’ll save a lot of time. Vic can get me a discount on that, probably. He’s done it for Henry.”
“Ah, yes. I think I understand. Give me a smile, young man.”
James smiles at the old wady, and she smiles back.
“Oh yes, I see it now. That’s a much friendlier smile than the one the other James had in his mugshot. You certainly seem nicer than him. I hope you like it here, sonny.”
“Thank you, ma’am. I’m glad you’re so understanding.”
Scrappy walks up to James.
“Su… su mistah nu am gunna gib Scwappy mowe owwies?”
James reaches down and strokes Scrappy.
“No, little guy. I like fluffies. I don’t wanna hurt anyone.”
Scrappy flinches, but then he relaxes when he sees that James isn’t giving him owwies.
“Am nice mistah.”
“And thank you, Scrappy. I’m really sorry about what the other James did to you. I blew chunks when I heard about it.”
“Wuz nu yu fauwt, mistah.”
“I know. But I took his place. So I’ve gotta make up for what he did.”
You think you’ll enjoy having this James around.
Meanwhile, in the tenth circle of Hell, dedicated entirely to fluffy abusers, as the Chris and James Oldman native to Timeline-1989 are waiting for the Pit of Burning Demon Fluffy Sorry Poopies to be emptied out for their turn in it, they watch the Oldmans on Earth chatting to Scrappy and his owner via a viewing pool.
If you must know: they’ll be thrown into the empty pit, and then several demon fluffies around the perimeter will, ahem, fill it up. And if the Oldmans try to climb out, one of the elite demons watching them at all times will stab them in the balls with a pitchfork.
Chris has a very smug look on his face, and James doesn’t.
“Look at THAT, you little cunt. They replaced YOU too. You’re just as disposable as those canned shitrats you loved to play with so much.”
“Yeah, and what does that say about YOU, Chris? They replaced you first. You’re even more worthless than that cheap booze you loved to suck down!”
“How about I make you suck down my throbbing red-hot demon cock, oh dear sweet nephew of mine?”
As Chris yanks down his loincloth, intending to act on his threat, the elite demons pull them apart.
“Will you two shut the fuck up already? We’re sick of having to listen to your endless squabbling! Fuck it! G’l’gha, tell the boys at the Pit to keep it empty, we’re dragging these two cunts back to the Rape Chamber.”
“I’m on it, sir. Hitler’s still in there, right?”
“No, not at the moment. He’s currently at the Border, getting his Austrian ass whooped by everyone he sent Up There during the Holocaust. You know what they say, their Heaven is his Hell.”
“Damn. I was gonna suggest that we have Hitler rape these two. It’ll make all three of 'em unhappy. This wouldn’t BE Hell if they WEREN’T unhappy.”
“Good idea, G’l’gha. I think Stalin is in there, we’ll have HIM do it.”
“Ooh, or we could have Hitler and Stalin tag-team them.”
“G’l’gha, you’re a Goddamned genius.”
“Ha! I see what you did there!”