"Lavender: Using Your Head" by NobodyAtAll

Warning: spoilers for the Adam Omega Saga. Read “Well Drinks”, “Race Against Time: Meanwhile, In The Future…” and “The Sanctum” first.


You are Lavender, and last week, another scary thing happened.

Your daddeh had taken you into the city, with his car, so you could go to the Fown-day-shun.

You’ve been there lots of times. The dok-tow there, dok-tow Erwin, he’s checked up on you and your fluffy friends to make sure none of you are sickies, and when you were a soon-mummah, he made sure your babbehs weren’t sickies.

He’s nice!

But after the latest checkup, the scary thing happened.

A lot of big ugly green munstahs, that looked kind of like fluffies, showed up out of nowhere.

They were smooshing up all the housies, and one of them smooshed up your daddeh’s caw before you two could get to it.

Your daddeh didn’t have his blooper on him, so you both ran.

You got separated from your daddeh, and when you found him, one of the munstahs had found him first.

Your daddeh was really scaredies.

“HOLY SHIT!!! FLUFFY GODZILLAS!!!”

What are godzillas?

You didn’t bother to ask at the time.

Because you were too angry.

Nobody hurts your daddeh! Not after how good he’s been to you!

You had been keeping the floaty thing you can do now a secret up until this point.

But you knew you didn’t have a choice.

So you did the floaty thing on a rockie, and flung it at the munstah’s head.

bonk

When the munstah turned to you, you did the floaty thing on a stweet-wite, and flung that at the munstah’s head.

SKLURCH

And then the munstah went forever sleepies.

Better the munstah than your daddeh.

When your daddeh saw what you had done, he was surprised.

“Since when can you do that, Lav?”

You shrugged.

“Fow a wiwe. Wavendew am sowwy dat Wavendew haf bin keepin it fwom daddeh.”

“Lav, right now, I really can’t complain.”


So, the bwite time after that, you went back to the School.

You know that mistah Cal is the… um…

What do hoomins call their smarties?

Oh, right.

He’s the baws of the Skoow, and of the Kay-oh-tiks.

So you were confused when you saw that he wasn’t there.

Your friend the dok-tow was there, though.

“Mistah dok-tow, whewe am mistah Caw?”

“Cal is taking some time off work. He needed it. He asked me if I could cover for him, and I can. But he knows you were coming today, and why. So, Lavender. Cal’s suspicion was correct. You’ve developed telekinesis. Can you tell me how long you’ve had it?”

You remember that that’s what hoomins call it, but you can’t pronounce that word.

“Wavendew haf bin duin da fwoaty fing fow, um… a few fowebas?”


After that, you met Famke, and her fluffy Chakra.

Famke is pretty. She’s got red not-fluff, like mistah Cal’s special friend, miss Judy.

You thought Judy was Famke’s sissie until Famke told you she’s not.

“We don’t even have the same last name, Lav. Mine’s Turner. Hers is Blaze. See? Not even remotely similar.”

You have to admit that that’s pretty clever on the hoomins’ part.

They can’t just smell that certain hoomins are related to each other, like fluffies can with other fluffies.

They need some way to figure it out.

Hoomins.

Famke and Chakra can do the floaty thing too, and they’ve been teaching you how to do it better.

“Chakra here can lift up a Volkswagen. But don’t try that yet, Lav, at your current level of power, you’ll just end up with a car refusing to budge and a wicked nosebleed.”

You don’t even know what a Volkswagen is, so you’re not going to try.


So, since then you’ve been going back to School for twaining.

Back home, things are pretty peaceful.

Daisy is getting bigger. She can just barely waddle now. You remember what it was like, when you were a soon-mummah.

So you’ll be there for her. You’ve told your daddeh that you want to be there when Daisy’s biggest poopies happen, because you know how it is. You want to help her.

“You wanna be there for moral support, huh? You’ve got a big heart, Lav.”

Mary-Jane is getting bigger. She’s going to be a big fluffy soon.

And you and Oak have been seeing your other babbehs a lot, too.

Just last bwite time, your daddeh took you two to the dok-tow’s housie, so you could see Ridcully, your red and purple hornie babbeh.

Was it just you, or did the housie look a lot bigger on the inside?

You spent some time there, in Merlin and Ridcully’s saferoom.

That seemed bigger on the inside, too.

You asked Merlin about that.

“Wut did Wavendew ess-pekt? Dis am a housie of magic. Dat it am biggew awn da inside am da weast stwange fing abowt da Sanctum.”

He explained that the Sanctum is what the dok-tow’s housie is called.

“Dis am a vewy, vewy owd housie, Wavendew. Mewwin daddeh am nu da fiwst Awch-mage tu caww it dey own. An wun day, Mewwin fink dat Sowcie am gunna caww it Sowcie own.”

He then explained that an Archmage is what the strongest wizz-uwd is called. That the Archmage is the baws of wizz-uwds.

You’ve met Sorcie, too. She’s the dok-tow’s granddaughter.

She told you that her daddeh, the dok-tow’s babbeh, and her mummah had gone forever sleepies, which is why she is living with the dok-tow.

“Wavendew git dat, Sowcie. Wavendew owd daddeh went foweba sweepies tuu.”

Mistah Cal was there too, and when he heard that, he remembered something.

“Les, you aren’t gonna believe who I met at the Inn Between Worlds a while ago. You won’t either, Lav. Damn it, I shoulda told you guys sooner…”


So mistah Cal told you about the Inn Between Worlds. Apparently, it’s a place where people from other worlds can meet.

And people from other timewines, too.

That means worlds like this one, where things went differently.

Mistah Cal met a version of your old daddeh from a timewine where your old daddeh never became a munstah.

And in that timewine, he’s still your daddeh.

Mistah Cal promised to introduce you to them.

“You guys will love the Inn. Obey the rules, and you’ll have a ton of fun. Oh, and don’t worry, touching your alternate self doesn’t make anything explode.”


So that’s where you are right now.

The Inn Between Worlds.

You and your daddeh are sitting at a table, with your old daddeh and another you.

Your daddeh is talking to your old daddeh with sad wawas in his see-places, and a smile on his face.

“I thought I’d never get to see you like this again, Chris.”

“I know, Les. Your Cal told me all about what your… your me did. I’m ashamed of myself. I told James about what your James did, and he’s ashamed of himself too.”

“So your James doesn’t abuse fluffies?”

“My James doesn’t abuse anyone. He adores fluffies. And he just graduated from college, top of his class. He adores Keith, too. And my son, Little Cal.”

And you’re talking to the other you. You gave the other you a hug, as fluffies usually do when they meet, and mistah Cal was right, nothing exploded.

“Suuu, can udda Wavendew du da fwoaty fing tuu?”

She nods.

“Yup.”

She demonstrates by making her bowl of apple juice float, then puts it down gently.

You do the same.

Then you ask her another question.

“Su wut am Oak wike in udda Wavendew timewine?”

She looks confused.

“Hu am Oak?”

“Udda Wavendew nu knu Oak? Oak am Wavendew speciaw fwend.”

“Oh. Wavendew hab udda speciaw fwend. Am Biwch.”

“Huh. Du udda Wavendew knu Mewwin?”

She smiles.

“Oh yus. Mewwin am su pwetty. An smawt, tuu!”

You both sigh and speak as one.

“If Wavendew nu awweady haf speciaw fwend… hoo boi!”

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i feel like Lav would be as bad as June and Vic if she was a human, and, understood open relationships

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