~MUTHU~
~originally titled “Tales from Biotech Support~
~by Oculus~
“Wan die. Wan die. Wan die. Wan die. Wan die.”
The pupils of the fluffy have gone completely large and are fixated on one spot
Its mouth repeats the phrase in a continuous, unending monotone
Its legs are flailing about, its body no longer in control by its mind
You can get the strong smell of urea as the fluffy continues to urinate around the area. The instructor had prepared the table by covering it in a cloth to soak up the access urine
You are Muthusamy s/o Narayanan
Everyone calls you “Muthu” for short
You live in in the city of Chennai, the capital of the state of Tamil Nadu, in India
You have a background in biotech engineering, having graduated not too long ago, and you have gotten your first job as a technician for Hasbio
You remember your first briefing at the HQ of Hasbio India
The fluffy pony, an American product, has been the craze in their country for some time now. The fluffies have started appearing in India, but only the rich can afford them
That fact has not stopped the dread menace of feral fluffies appearing unchecked throughout the sub-continent
Being a biotoy, Americans have a hard time understanding their product
As biotech support, your company has a 24 hour daily call service that works as the first line in treating any malfunctions a biotoy, such as the fluffy, might have
there are other biotech support services that customers can rely on, but the Hasbio hotline is toll-free and thus is the first option for help before a customer can expend his wallet
The Hasbio official showcases the fluffy
You had only seen them in Bollywood movies and in the news
After playing around with the fluffy for a good while, the fluffy then starts to flail about, as the Hasbio instructor has induced a specific shock on the biotoy
It starts to repeat a sound that you have learned to hate to hear
“Wan die. Wan die. Wan die. Wan die. Wan die.”
The Hasbio official, an American, speaks in perfect Tamil
“This is the “wan die loop”. It is like the “blue screen of death”, or BSOD.”
The Hasbio official explains the steps the client should take in correcting a “wan die” loop, should it occur. There are some easy measures, as biotoys can malfunction under a lack of maintenance, improper care, or light mismanagement
In more serious cases, however, the customer will need to refer to a specialist. In those cases, you will need to check if the product is under warranty. If so, you can arrange for a specialist to visit their house, or schedule an appointment for the customer to bring the defective product for examination at one of Hasbio’s buildings, or for an appointment with a specialized technician at a location approved by Hasbio
After a month of briefing and training, you are ready to start work in Biotech Support at a Hasbio Call Centre in Chennai, India.
~
“Good afternoon, sir. I am Muthu from Hasbio.”
"Hey there. My fluffy is giving trouble and I need to speak with a technician.”
“Okay sir, Let me gather some information and see if we can help. What is your first name?”
“Fred.”
“And your last name, would you spell it for me please?”
“Sure. It’s C-R-E-A-M, Cream.”
“Thank you sir. If I may ask, what ‘model’ is your fluffy?”
“Model?”
“All Hasbio biotoys come with an indication of their model type, even if you bought it from a licensed breeder.”
“I dunno man, I just bought it from a shop.”
“In that case sir, I need you to check the stomach area of the Fluffy.”
“The what now?”
“The stomach area. Move the fluff a bit.”
There is a silence for the moment
“I see a number now, its 610-26, Carpdime.”
“Thank you sir. That means your fluffy is of the Carpdime model. The number is the production number all fluffies generate upon birth.”
“How is th-“
“Please sir, I am only here to help with your problem, not to chitty-chatty.
So that’s 610-26?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Mr Cream what seems to be the problem today?”
“My fluffy has been flailing about and repeating the words “wan die” endlessly. What do I do?”
“When did the behaviour first occur?”
“No idea. It started flailing its legs about, and refuses to listen to me.”
“Sir, is there bubbles at the mouth?”
“Bubbl- you mean froth? No. No froth.”
“Did your fluffy get involved in physical contact?”
“No man, this fluffy is for my daughter, and all she does is play teatime with it as well as have it play with her dollhouse.”
“I understand sir. Did your daughter or you feed the fluffy chocolate or anything similar?”
“No, Sarah and I know that foods like chocolate are toxic to fluffies.”
“Can you at least recollect what your fluffy was doing before it started displaying this behaviour?”
“The little fella was busy playing blocks while Sara was watching FluffTV. My wife switched on the vacuum when the fluffy placed its ‘hands’ on tis ears and shouted “Too noisy!” And then it started making this ‘wan die’ sounds.”
“Ah yes. Mr Cream, Biotoys are designed to work with a limited amount of stimuli. If you have too much noise and activity going on in the background, the central processing unit of the biotoy-“
“The what now?”
“The Brain of the Fluffy. It will overload.”
“Fuck. I had no idea.”
“Please sir, no vulgarities.
Okay, Fred, I need you to place you two fingers on the back of the fluffy.”
“I…. Okay. I’m doing that.”
“Now pinch the fluffy.”
There is silence. Then, you hear a happy cry
“Daddeh! Fwuffy am aww bettah!”
“My fluffy’s fine! Thank you so much for your help.”
“No worries Mr Cream. It is a pleasure to help. Now please take a moment to answer a short survey regarding this call.”
~
Those are usually the easy calls. The other calls can be a bit more difficult
~
“Hello? Is this Hasbio?”
“Hello madam, this is Muthu from Hasbio, how may I assist you?”
“Yeah uh, like, my daughters fluffy keeps saying 'wan die wan die” continuously? And then it went all quiet? Like, you know how to fix this shit?"
“Can I please have a name, madam?”
“Sharon Oat.”
“Thank you madam, and do you have the serial number and model of the biotoy unit?"
“Like, I got the certificate here, and it says that the number is a 543-22 Wolfram.”
“Understood, a Wolfram model. It says here that your warranty for the product has already expired.”
“Ah fuck, do I have to pay for this shit?”
“Oh no madam, but if you have to send your biotoy for servicing, or if a support engineer is sent onsite to your location, you will have to pay.”
“Whatever.”
“Now this wan die loop’ When did it first occur, madam?”
“Like 5 days ago.”
“5 days ago?!”
You are startled, but you try your best to be a bit calm
"Yeah like, my daughter has gone on a field trip, so I chucked him in the basement. He started saying ‘wan die’ every time I came down to basement.”
“The basement is not exactly the best place to keep a biotoy. The units needs a pen with adequate nutrition, entertainment, warmth and security.”
“What?”
“They need food, toys, a heater and a bed to sleep on.”
“They need food regularly? I thought they were toys!”
“They are biotoys. They are marketed as toys, but have the same food, water and sleep requirements of any domestic animal.”
“Well that is some shit. That explains why it kept eating the kibble meant for my dogs. I thought it was just playing!”
“You haven’t been feeding your fluffy?”
“Heavens no! The whole time I thought it was a toy! It got so needy I had it chucked in the basement! Then it kept saying wan die so I was going to check it one more time, and it has been silent.”
You sigh
"Madame, can you please get a spoon.”
”A spoon? The fuck do I need a spoon for?”
“Please get one.”
You wait for her to get a spoon
“Alright, I got a spoon. Now what?”
”Place the spoon in front of the fluffy’s nose. Does the spoon mist up?”
“No, am I supposed to see something?”
“Madam, your fluffy is dead.”
“Well, that was a waste of my time.”
~
“HELLO?!!”
“Yes si-”
“IS THIS HASBIO OR IS SOME ROBOT FUCK I HAVE TO LISTEN TO FOR ANOTHER 5 FUCKING MINUTES?!!”
“Sir, please-”
“DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, I HAD TO WAIT 5 MINUTES WHILE LISTENING TO YOUR SHITTY MUSIC, ONLY TO GET AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE SAYING TO WAIT!”
“Sir, our lines are very busy, and there’s no guarantee that you will get through all the time. We really appreciate your patience.”
“OKAY!”
The customer huffs and puffs audibly for a good moment.
“Okay.”
“Your name, sir?”
“Bob.”
“How may I assist you Bob?”
“My daughters fucking shitrat won’t shut the FUCK up about babies?!! Every fucking time it keeps saying BABBEHS BABBEHS BABBEHS!"
Ah great, another one of these cases
“Sir, this is a support hotline. A product wanting offspring may indicate a sign of loneliness or wanting affection and may-”
“I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING BABIES! ONE SHITRAT IS ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH!!”
“Sir, you should carefully consider the psychological wants and needs of your biotoy. Hasbio is more than willing to offer you a voucher for a discounted-”
“FUCK YOUR VOUCHERS!!! I SAID NO MORE BABIES!”
You hesitate.
You see the written memo reminding you to encourage the client to let their fluffies have children, as more fluffies will allow Hasbio to push more baby products, driving up its revenue
But fuck it. The call is not recorded
“Has your fluffy been watching TV in the past few days?”
“Well yeah, the fucktard watches TV everyday. That is all she’s good for. That and eating, as well as rubbing her ass on any feral she meets.”
“FluffTV is pay per view. You can choose to have certain programming blocked. My advice is that you have the babies program blocked. Also, I recommend distracting the biotoy with some form of activity and entertainment so that it will get its mind of wanting children.”
He pauses for a moment. then he asks
“Will it work?”
“It is one of the methods we use to deter neutered females from wanting children. Ideally, it should work. If it doesn’t, please bring your fluffy to a certified biotoy organic intelligence analyst.”
“A what?”
“A psychologist. A fluffy psychologist.”
“Why the FUCK would a fluffy need a psychologist?!!”
“That is like asking why a child can have a psychologist. Fluffies aren’t exactly children, but they do have a mind like one. It may also interest you to know that pets too have psychologists.”
“Alright, alright, but can’t I just call you faggots again?”
"Sir, this hotline is meant for fluffies that are encountering a serious system error. These errors may represent itself in the form of a loop of repeated message, such as “bad peepees” or “bad poopies” when it has critical anal or urinary incontinence, “bad wawa” when it has been exposed to water for too long other than allocated washing interval, or the ‘wan die’ loop, when it encounters a severe system crash. Unless your fluffy has been repeating the word ‘babbehs’ or ‘wan babbehs’, in a monotonous, repetitive manner and is unresponsive, I believe the issue is psychological.
So tell me: has your fluffy been repeating the word “Babbeh’s repeatedly in a monotonous manner?”
“No.”
“Then your fluffy is fine and just needs to be distracted.”
“Okay. But a psychologist sounds expensive. Can’t I just stomp the shitrat and get my daughter a new one?”
Oh fuck
“Sir, damage against a biotoy isn’t encouraged. I understand that you are calling from America?”
“Yeah, Ohio.”
“Sir, I believe that the law in your state prohibits the killing of a biotoy, especially if it is a store bought one. If the authorities do find out that your biotoy has gone missing, they may do an inspection, and should they find evidence of a struggle, you will be liable for charges.”
You are sweating profusely. You’re not sure if you’ve gotten through to him
However, the man on the end seems to be calming down.
“Fine, fine. And you’re right, it is just a toy. A pet, even. And my daughter, Lizzie, would kill me if she found out I killed her pet or took it away.”
“That is right sir, think of your daughter. Fluffies can be difficult for us adults, but if you properly manage them, they are worth the time and care.”
“Alright. I’ll try the FluffTV thing. Hopefully, it’ll get that shitrat to shut the fuck up.”
“Thank you sir. Please take a moment to answer this short customer survey.”
You repeat the usual questions. He hurriedly gives the numerals expressing his mild dissatisfaction, then signs off
As the call ends, you breathe a sigh or relief
You are fully aware that Biotoys are not recognized as animals in Ohio yet.
~
It is lunchtime. At the canteen at Hasbio’s call centre, you are having your Wednesday usual: paratha with stuffed vegetables and a cup of coffee. While enjoying your shortbread meal, you see the fairly obese figure of Vikram coming to your table
“Eh Gundu (fattie)! How’s work today, brudda?”
“Ah, same ol’, same ol’. Idiots who don’t know how to manage their stupid pets.”
Vikram is eating a rather unhealthy Western meal, consisting of a burger, fries and soda. You are a literal surprised by this choice of meal today, and you don’t approve of it.
“Dei brudda, that’s a beef burger innit? Aren’t you a Hindu?”
“Relax brudda, its a vegeterian burger. Using the new impossible meat.”
“Oh, so you mean one of those patties made from various plant parts? You know its unhealthy, right? With the coconut oil, and the way they extract the red stuff and iron compound from all kinds of sources? Its like the literal definition of ‘artificial food’. Not to mention, those fries you are eating most likely were fried in beef fat.”
“No, no, this is Hasbio certified impossible meat! They apparently are growing some new type of plant that produces a patty with all constituency of meat, but its not a meat, its from a plant!”
“Hasbio?” you quietly ask.
“Yeah! Want to try one?”
You look at the burger. It does look delectable. But as you stare at it, you remember reading about Hasbio’s research into garden fluffies, and how the USDA classifies them as legal “plants”. You have seen the videos of Hasbio cutting parts of these fluffies, much to their agony, to harvest potatoes, carrots, and in this case, a form of mock meat, approximating onion-and-soy-based mock meat mixes. However, and due to them coming from a legal “plant”, they could be considered a ‘vegetarian’ meal. As you silently wonder if your own food is affected, you cannot bring yourself to tell Vikram the truth.
“No thanks, Vik. I’ll just have my paratha.”
~
You’re back at work
The calls have been mostly the same. A pinch here. A rub there. Nothing serious. Nothing as stupid as that one woman who called you earlier.
“Good afternoon, this is Muthu. How many I assist you?”
“Hello.”
“Hello sir, can I have a name please?”
“255-71-FC.”
“I see, your model is a G-”
“My fluffy keeps saying wan die continuously. Would you like to hear it?”
As you keep listening, you hear the neotenic and innocent voice of the fluffy. It is speaking in the monotone that you work hard to deal with from your phone
“Wan die… wan die… wan die…”
“I can hear it clearly sir. I understand you own one of the Foalcan models?”
"Why yes. I just purchased it a few days ago in fact. Such a cute little squeak it made as I opened the can.
And then, I accidentally dropped the knife on him."
His voice is unpleasantly calm
“You dropped the knife on his leg?”
“Oh yes, and his little weggie came off. He came to me crying 'daddeh daddeh fwuffy hav sowwy huwties”
“So then what did you do?”
“I applied salt on the wound, followed by alcohol on his leg of course. To stop the beedling.”
You know whats up.
“Sir, you’re supposed to take the biotoy to a v-”
"Shut up and let me finish.
So the little shitrat kept begging me. Kept asking me for ‘wuv and huggies’. But see, I heard a little thing about your little toys. So I got a bunch of needles, and stuck them in."
“Sir, tampering with our product will void the warranty. It is my duty to inform you-”
"I don’t care about your warranty. I know about you Indian types, in your little call centres. Shitting in the designated shitting streets. No different from the shitrats.
I got the needle in this fluffy right now. Would you like to hear me press a button’?”
As he says this, you can hear the deafening cry for help
“SCREEEEEEEEEEEE!”
Followed by a soft whimpering
“Daddeh… pwee, fwuffy awwy wun wuv an’ huggies.”
“Now let me press the needle again.”
You hear the scream of the fluffy again, before you hear the dreaded, monotonous loop one more time
“Wan die. wan die. wan die. wan die.”
“Now I wonder. How do you solve this wan die loop? How do you break this piece of shit rat out of it?”
“Sir, what is the purpose of this call? You realize that you have already tampered with the product.”
You try your best to be as calm as possible
“Oh I know I have. I also know that you can’t trace this call. And this call isn’t recorded. I’m going to be having a lot of fun with you pajeets in your poo-in-loo seats.”
The abuser hangs up
You bury your face in your palms
You look up at the screen of your computer
For a brief moment you want to smash the wall of your computer screen, in the hopes that you can cave in the teeth of the person who just called you
Right now, you just want to punch at the walls of your cubicle
You just want to punch something
But you don’t want to make a scene
You hold your left hand up
With one swift sudden motion, you punch your left palm with your right hand, trying your very best to mask your anger and your frustration
Your co-worker, Dewi, who sits beside you, notices. She is about ten years older than you.
“Whats wrong, Muthu?”
She lays her hand upon your back, as she gives you a light massage
“Its one of those people again.”
You feel her fingers kneeding your stiffened shoulders, as she calmly reminds you
“There are bad people in this world, just as much as there are good people. Not everyone is a sage or saint.”
~
You cool off. You head to the pantry to get some tea and biscuits
You’re back at your seat again. You wait for the next call
“Hello, this is Muthu. How may I assist you?”
After that last call, you are prepared for the worst.
“Please sir, please help my fluffy. Please. I’ve been trying to reach you guys for over ten minutes, and I’ve been getting nothing but music”
“Alright miss, please calm down. Can I have a serial number?”
“That’s a 544-347 WagCarp.”
“Alright 544-347 WagCarp. I see that your fluffy is a waggytail-carpdime mix from a local breeder.”
“Yes. And my lovely Joe is everything to me. I take him for walks everyday and he keeps me company all the time. He is the dearest thing to me ever since my husband died and I really don’t want to lose him.”
“May I ask when it started the loop?”
“We were walking by the street one day when he saw this feral, living in a cardboard box. The feral was dirty and malnourished. He asked me why did fluffies like him not have their own room, toys and spaghetti?
I had to tell him. I had to tell him that not every fluffy in the world is lucky. That some fluffies have to live on the streets. That some fluffies don’t have nice mummahs and daddehs, and thus, have to fend for themselves. And for them, there is no sketti, or flufftv, or bwockies.”
He was crying. He really wanted to help that little feral in the cardboard box. But I had to tell him that mummah already had one fluffy, and that it would be difficult for me to take another.
I should have at least taken that feral to the shelter. Poor Joe would not stop crying as we reached home."
“I see, so was that what caused the wan die loop.”
“No, thats not it. That was two days ago. But it was related.”
“Then what actually caused the loop?”
She tries her best to talk coherently, as she relates what happened
“I’m currently taking a masters in sociology, and one of the subjects I am covering is the issue of poverty in African countries. While doing my research, I came across this picture of a dying child in the Sudan. The image was from the 90s, and a famine had affected the area. The poor girl was naked on ground, crying. Not too far from it a vulture was nearby, waiting to eat the poor girl upon death.”
You know what picture she is referring to
“I take it Joe saw it.”
"I should have locked my door. I didn’t think my fluffy would come into the room and see the screen. He asked me, why was there a birdie munstah waiting for the babbeh. Why did the babbeh nu have sketties or mummah. The giwl was onwy a wittwe babbeh.
And he cried. And cried. And then he started the loop. And it is not like a feeling of agony loop. I heard about this loop, it is like he’s trying to take his own life."
You don’t have much time. You know the procedure
"Listen to me, very carefully. Don’t do this immediately. Listen to me first before you start.
I need you to apply your two fingers at the back of the neck of your fluffy."
“Okay, th-”
“Then you need to massage him. Tell him that mummah is nearby. He will most likely cry and ask why ‘nu wan hewp babbeh’.
You need to keep massaging him. He is undergoing an emotional distress that will cause his processing unit to crash and cause the loop. Massaging him helps ease the overload of information that he has received. Right now, the first thing he needs is a reminder of your love and care.”
“Alright. I’ll try this.”
From your cubicle, you can hear the faint walking of the client as she walks out to collect her fluffy
As she enters the room, you can hear the poor thing, in this distance, repeating the loop
After, a while you hear something else
“Mummah! Mummah! Fwuffy wan hewp babbeh! Why nu wun hewp babeh?! Huu huu…”
“Don’t cry little Joe. Mummah’s here.”
You hear the constant babbling of the fluffy, on the verge of breakdown, and its human owner, desperately trying to reassure him that everything is okay
You’re not sure what will happen next. He could very easily fall into the loop as much as he can easily fall into sleep.
For now though, you hear the gentle cry of an empathetic but naïve little soul
“Pwease hewp babbeh.”
You then hear the soft coo of a fluffy drifting into sleep
You then hear the cackle of a phone being picked up, as the client returns to the phone
“Joe’s better now! I’m so happy! Thank you Mu-”
“It’s not over.”
“What?! What else do I need to do?!! Please tell me!”
“Your fluffy will still have the after-effects of the emotional distress. Despite common belief, some fluffies can hold on to memories, and the emotional distress can resurface at any time. My first suggestion is that, for today, you give him a treat - I suppose spaghetti in this case - and you give him as much play time as possible.”
“Okay.”
“Then you will need to see a psychologist as soon as possible. It will be a bit costl-”
“Its okay. I can afford it.”
“I take it you’re doing your masters at a University?”
“I am. I am from the National University of Technology in Singapore.”
“Ah, good. There is a licensed biotoy analyst who works at the university. As you are a student at NUTS, he can examine and counsel your fluffy at a reduced rate. If you can provide me with a name, email and phone number, I can write up a reference for you so that a discount can be arranged.”
The call goes on for a few more minutes, as you work out the details and arrangements for her
As the call ends, you feel a sense of fulfilment.
~
It is evening. The workday has ended
You head home
Chennai is not a perfect place. While you work in a fairly bourgeois and upmarket area of the city, once in a while, you pass by the more poverty-stricken areas of the city
Even now, in this modern day and age, the lack of proper sanitation in their homes, the clogged sewage, and the corruption of the city, means that a lot of the city’s poor have to head to a specific area to defecate openly
With the recent introduction of Hasbio’s biotoys throughout the country, feral fluffies have started to demarcate these areas as their own pooping grounds
Walking by, you see a child, defecating on a road
Right next to him is a fluffy, doing the same thing
Upon finishing their business, the child proceeds to pick up his fluffy, then run off
He is malnourished, but his belly is bloated, indicate a rare but definite case of Kwashiorkor, suggesting a clear deficiency of protein
You try to put your mind off this
~
You have reached home
“Daddeh!!!”
Its Raahul, your pet Indian fluffalo
Hasbio fluffaloes in India are tailored after the local cattle breeds. Thus, unlike their American cousins, they lack the fluff over their eyes
However, they share the same horns, and overall musculature
Fluffalo have become increasingly popular in India. While girls have fluffies, the cattle has always been seen as a sacred animal in Hinduism. However, while rural populations have grazing area and space for cattle to roam, the urban areas are not feasible for cattle
As such, the fluffalo has been a welcome addition to the domestic animal trade in India, as it allows anyone to own their own sacred cow at home
“Raahul! How’s my little boy?”
“Wahuw hav wotsa fun todae! Werned aww abou Wamana, an’ how Wamana giv’ Bawi sowwy huwties!”
“Vamana, huh? Not bad little one.”
“Wahul wan daddeh’s bestest japatis!”
You smirk. With your biotechnical expertise, you manage to “rewire” Rahul so that, instead of craving that Italian dish, he now prefers eating chapatis, like the good lil’ Indian he is
“I’ll make you some chapatis then, little guy.
By the way, have you been practising your Tamil?”
“Oh yes daddeh!
௧, ௨ , ௩ !”
He can only count 1 to 3 in tamil. But its a start
“Good boy. Now I’m definitely making some chapatis for you!”
Both of you have a good meal of chapatis with daal and lassis
You then proceed to watch some television
You have FluffTv, but there’s another movie on the local channel that you want to get Raahul to watch
After hearing two of the cases today, you kind of want to remind yourself why you have Raahul
"Mitwa, Sun Mitwa, Tujhko Kya Darr Hai Re
Yeh Dharti Apni Hai, Apna Ambar Hai Re"
As Aamir Khan and villagers starts to dance on the television, you start to imitate him
Your fluffalo, too, stands on his hind legs, and starts to copy you, as the two of you dance and sing to the Hindi lyrics
O Mitwa, Sun Mitwa, Tujhko Kya Darr Hai Re
Dharti Apni Hai, Apna Ambar Hai Re
Tu Aaja Reeeeee
~
Both your fluffalo and you stand before the shrine
Recalling his role in the Ramayana, you pray to Hanuman for braveness and wellness of body
Someday, you’ll tell Rahul about the Ramayana
About how the brave Rama fought the demon king Ravana in order to save his beloved Sita
And how Rama befriended the man-ape Hanuman.
You lie down on the mattress, your sacred fluffalo beside you
As your mind drifts into sleep, you silently pray for Hanuman to bless Raahul and you with strength