you are a hitman
not the cool kind with a Katana
or a sniper rifle
or really any of that cloak and dagger shit
you were pretty unassming besides the large jacket you wore
mostly due to the cold weather
and the fact you were carrying a blender
really the only thing you had in common with the media portrayals is your job was to kill people
it was kinda odd
you were snuffing out lives
not faster than a gambler snuffs out cigarettes but still at a decent pace
it helped that you believed in Nietzche’s idea of eternal return
so they weren’t really dead forever
just now
they’d be back in a few trillion years
as for hurting people you couldn’t say that you were very into it
it didn’t bother you
but it was never something you got any satisfaction beyond that of a job well done
a small purple horned head comes out of your pocket
“Babbeh wan pway!”
yeah these jobs were kinda frustrating
and this if the damn thing shat in your coat it wouldn’t be the first time
worst part is that you’d probably have to burn the coat if it did
really the only good thing about this kill was it would be almost impossible to trace
another foal bursts out chirping and saying “babbeh” the only word it could say while it hugged the other
so what were you doing with two foals in your pocket currently waving their limbs around
they were your tools today
no you weren’t going to distract them with the foal and hid them over the head with the blender
not that you hadn’t taken jobs like that before
your current assignment was pretty big
a whole fucking frat house
not that all of them needed to die
just enough
apparently they had a rather long lists of rapes and a sickeningly cozy relationship with the administrators
a few of their victims killed themselves
so naturally their grieving parents wanted revenge
they wanted these fuckers to suffer
but they also wanted it to be covert, so as to avoid jailtime
you couldn’t blame them for either and they’re safety was your safety
you were debating using poison
setting them up with dealers they eventually couldn’t pay off
arson
you almost decided not to take the job
too big of a risk
until you learned that they were big into fluffy abuse
no this was not a moral change, very little things were moral for you at this point
but it made your job a helluva lot easier
fluffy abuse is an expensive and dangerous hobby
fluffy abuse equipment wasn’t really a thing you bought at Rite aid
and most meat grinders and blenders couldn’t take that much ruffage if often used
and they tended to be
as for danger
while fluffies can’t bite or scratch they are still living organisms that can carry all sorts of lovely parasites and pathogens
and like most people addicted to something that gave quick and easy gratification got sloppy
one slip up, one speck of viscera left and before you know it the entire group has dyssentery
this wasn’t as bad with shelter fluffs
those tended to be pretty sanitary
mostly strays
but those only ran a 50/50 chance of incapacitation
not like your boys
besides picking them off of a dead mother you made sure to give em a special diet
their mother helped in that regard
besides mommy dearest you fed em trash, rats, pond water, and whatever chunks of your other jobs that were left
not shit
that was a condiment
perfect little biological weapons
you had a surprising amount of culinary skill for a hired gun
so you could at least get a fluffy to eat this shit
you had to take a few shortcuts though it didn’t matter because they aren’t long for this world
fabreeze, marinara and maple syrup work wonders
anyways you’re going to put the blender in front of the house with the foals in it which coincidentally doing right now
“Wha daddeh doin?” Asks the unicorn
the other foal is just wiggling around saying babbeh as you lower it into the blender
the blade is on top
don’t want to damage it yet
“I’m gonna give you even more better daddies!”
you say
“Buh miss ou! Am bestes daddeh!”
you chuckle
“Well these ones are more bestest.”
it pauses
“They have super special sketti!”
the purple one stares for a bit more as the green one begins to flip on it’s back and squeal
“OTAY WUB SKETTIS, BESTES SKETTIS FO BWUDDA AN SISSY!”
the thing is shouting now as it begins to poke it’s still distressed sibling
now’s your cue to leave
you powerwalk to the end of the block before you here a noise
a hefty, 20 something with a soul patch is on the porch
he’s clearly inebriated
the foals are squeaking
“BRO I FOUND MORE SHITRATS!”
he’s excited
he bellows to a chorus of “Bro”
you don’t need to stick around
but you did decide to put the school into your google alerts
just in case the job didn’t work
but you had a feeling things would work out
(Before life is fair, revenge is an empty reward)
