It just wasn’t fair.
Kumquat quietly sobbed to himself, all alone in his soggy cardboard box, his bright orange fur and green mane feeling shockingly useless on the mean streets of the outdoors.
It just wasn’t fair!
His stupid mommy and daddy had said they’d gotten him for ‘practice’, which made no sense to Kumquat, but he had been happy with it. He got lots of food (including spaghetti), toys, a big litterbox and lots of hugs!
Then suddenly it had stopped. Kumquat had heard mommy and daddy talking, but hadn’t understood much. They’d said they were ready, that Kumquat hadn’t ‘helped much’ (whatever that meant) but they were ready anyway. But they didn’t know what to do about Kumquat anymore. They said they didn’t want to get rid of him, he’d been such a good pet to them… but also that they didn’t know if it’d be safe to have him around all the time too. Plus with the money and such…
Kumquat had no idea what they were talking about, which meant it wasn’t important, so he stopped trying to understand it.
But the next thing Kumquat knew, all his delicious treats of spaghetti and candy were gone. All he had was rock-hard lumps of kibble. All his toys were taken away, suddenly they were for someone else. And nobody wanted to play with Kumquat anymore! He was just left alone and ignored while mommy and daddy ran around doing other things.
And then, this was the strangest part… mommy started getting FAT! But not fat fat, just, like… fat around her belly. And there was a lot of it too. Kumquat didn’t know quite what was happening until he made the connection that mares look the same when they’re pregnant… at which point it finally clicked.
Mommy was going to have babies!
Of course, mommy and daddy sat down with Kumquat eventually and explained it to him. It would work differently like it did with fluffy ponies, they said. Mommy was only going to have one baby, which Kumquat felt at least made it easy to tell which one would be the bestest baby. Not only that, they said, but there would be a lot of ‘changes’ like the ones Kumquat had already noticed.
Kumquat didn’t like ‘changes’.
Changes meant no good food. Changes meant no toys. Changes meant nobody had time for hugs anymore!
For the first time since mommy and daddy had taken him in, Kumquat threw a tantrum, and was placed in the sorry box (rather, the sorry closet) for an hour until he finally calmed down.
But Kumquat still didn’t like ‘changes’.
Eventually enough months passed that mommy had her baby. She and daddy went to the ‘hospy-tall’ for it, and left Kumquat all by himself with nothing but a large bowl of kibble and a water-dish. Not even a single toy!
Daddy came back a few times, but he only stayed to refill Kumquat’s bowls and clean out the litterbox. After that daddy left again, without even giving Kumquat a single hug!
Then finally, mommy came home too… with a… a thing.
Kumquat didn’t like it immediately. It was small and smelled bad and screamed.
It screamed all - the - time.
Apparently this was mommy’s new baby, but Kumquat didn’t like it. He screwed up his face and called it an ugly baby. Mommy and daddy just ignored him. Then the baby tried to GRAB Kumquat! Mommy and daddy just chuckled but Kumquat didn’t like it, and gave the baby sorry-hoofsies right in it’s ugly face!
Next thing Kumquat knew he was on the other side of the room, blood oozing out of his face as mommy and daddy swore at him and the baby made it’s loud screamy sounds all over again.
Kumquat spent a whole night in the sorry closet for that.
But he didn’t care. He knew he was right, dummy mommy and daddy were just too stupid to see it!
That baby was… a bad baby.
Kumquat had been let out of the sorry closet the next morning, but neither mommy or daddy was happy to see him again. They gave him his bowl of horrible, crunchy kibble and his bowl of boring water, then went back to their day of taking care of the baby.
And Kumquat watched it, it’s ugly little pink face, it’s screechy yelps and wails, it’s awful poopy smell.
And Kumquat waited.
Later on, mommy was playing with the baby on the floor (with KUMQUAT’S TOYS!!!) and baby crawled over to where Kumquat had been sitting (as toyless as he was joyless).
Mommy had looked away for a moment. Baby was right in front of Kumquat. It was now or never.
Kumquat turned, pointing his rear at baby’s ugly face, and let loose his bowels, giving the greatest bout of sorry-poopies that any fluffy had ever given (he believed, at least).
It was only once he’d done that he turned around, ready to laugh at the ugly baby’s stupid face… and realised something was wrong.
Mommy had seen Kumquat before Kumquat had seen mommy. She had seen him turn around, and she had snatched up baby before Kumquat had been able to let out even a single droplet of poopies.
While he had gloriously empted his guts, believing he was commiting an act of righteous justice against a bad baby… he had actually just made bad poopies all over the carpet.
Mommy gave Kumquat a kick to the tummy and next thing he knew, he was back in the sorry closet, as mommy and daddy shouted outside. Again, Kumquat couldn’t quite follow it (both out of stupidity and also just from the aching foot-shaped bruise on his tummy), but he got the gist.
Mommy said she wasn’t going to take it anymore, that ‘that thing’ had to go. Daddy said he had never wanted ‘it’ in the first place, and that he only got ‘it’ to make mommy happy. Mommy said she had kept ‘it’ around to be nice to ‘it’, but that was over now.
Kumquat smirked.
Clearly they were talking about their stupid baby. Kumquat had been right after all!
There were footsteps, and the sorry closet opened. Kumquat was ready to bounce out and give hugs to stupid mommy and stupid daddy alike (he might even give another bout of sorry-hoofsies to stupid baby if he felt like it)… but something was wrong.
Before Kumquat knew what was happening, he had been snatched up by daddy, and thrown into a cardboard box. The box was closed and taped up, then it was carried somewhere. Kumquat began to cry, trembling and shitting himself in fear. He just didn’t understand it, he was a GOOD fluffy! Didn’t stupid mommy and stupid daddy understand?! Their baby was a BAD baby! It might even be a POOPY baby! Why were they so stupid?! Why couldn’t they see it?!
Finally the box stopped moving. It landed with a hard ‘wham’ on the ground, and immediately Kumquat felt something wet soaking in through the bottom of the box. There was a ripping sound, and the lid of the box flapped open. Kumquat couldn’t quite reach it, even by standing on his tippy-toes (well, tippy-hooves), but doing so tipped the box over and sent him tumbling out at last… onto the cold, wet ground of the street.
Kumquat looked around. Daddy was nowhere. Mommy was nowhere. Stupid dummy poopy dummy stupid baby was nowhere either!
Kumquat sat in the box, closed his eyes, and cried.
Stupid mommy and stupid daddy must have decided they were too stupid to love him. And after Kumquat had been so nice to them!
It just wasn’t fair.
And so Kumquat was left, crying quietly in a soggy old cardboard box on the street, all alone… until a lone person walked by and stopped, spotting a tuft of orange fluff poking out of the box.
“Oh my stars, look at you!” She exclaimed, hands pressed to her cheeks. “A stray fluffy pony, out here in the cold rain? And with such a pretty coat too!”
“Am Kumquawt.” He replied bitterly, with a sniffle. “Kumquawt mummah n’ daddeh big dummehs…” Sniffle. “Weave Kumquawt owd in dah cowd…”
“Oh, that’s just horrible!” She said, grabbing Kumquat and pulling him sharply out of his box and looking him over. “Just look at you! Bright orange fur, and that luscious green mane… of course, you’re all filthy, but I bet you look just beautiful when you’re clean!”
Kumquat was starting to like this woman. She knew just how to talk to him.
“Nyu mummah?” He asked.
“That’s right! I’m your new mama!” She said, smiling brightly. “And I’m going to take you home, and I’m going to give you a nice warm bath, and lots of spaghetti, and all kinds of toys, and…”
Spaghetti? Toys? This was sounding better and better! Maybe this whole ‘abandoned’ thing had been a good idea after all!
And so Kumquat was carried down the rain-soaked street under the woman’s arm, until they reached a door. Seconds later Kumquat was inside, safely in the familiar warm and dry of someone’s home.
Kumquat was about to demand his hard-earned plate of spaghetti, but his new mama immediately began talking instead.
“First of all, you’re going to need a bath. You’ve been out in the cold, your fur is all matted and dirty… no, no no, I will not allow it. You must have a bath first.”
And with that she carried Kumquat straight through to a bathroom, where she plopped him in the tub and began filling it with warm water.
“EEE! WAWA BAD FOW FWU-”
“Now calm down, Kumquat.” She said, patting his grubby head. “You be a good fluffy for mama and you’ll get a nice big plate of spaghetti afterwards, okay?”
Kumquat sniffled, but did his best to behave.
“Otay mummah… Kumquat be good fwuffeh…”
The rest of the bath passed realtively smoothly. Once the water was touching Kumquat’s belly, the tap was shut off and his new mama began tenderly scrubbing his fur with a soft-bristled brush, sweeping out various scraps of dirt, leaves, twigs, and some long-dead bugs that had gotten caught in there, all while she tutted and muttered to herself about the filth.
Then, she brought out the shampoo. Kumquat had been given a bath a few times before, but only ever with store-brand fluffy-safe shampoo. This, however… this was something else. His new mama brought out a bottle of something that smelled of pretty perfume, and poured it all over his back, lathering it into his soaking wet fur. Kumquat actually began letting out little ‘coos’ of delight at the pampering, finally deciding that maybe water wasn’t so bad after all.
Once his entire fuzzy body was soaped up with the shampoo, it was rinsed out again with more warm water, then mama gave him another lathering with the shampoo, and then another rinse. His fluff was almost sparkling it was so clean.
“Okay, Kumquat, we’re almost done.” She said, lifting him out of the tub and onto a towel she had laid across the floor. “Now I’m just going to give you a blow-dry, so be a good boy, okay? It’s going to be loud, but you’ll be fine, just be a good boy and then you can have your spaghetti.”
Once again, Kumquat braced himself. He so desperately wanted to be a good boy for his new mama. His last one had been so mean, this one was so nice… he didn’t dare do anything to upset her.
There was a click, and then a roaring sound. Kumquat wanted to scream and run from whatever it was, but he stood his ground, like a good fluffy… and soon he realised it wasn’t so bad.
Mama was using a hair-dryer to dry his fluff, Kumquat thought it felt quite like a nice hug, just without the ‘hug’ part. His body was toasty warm all over very soon, and his fluff, which had just been so heavy with water, now felt much lighter and softer again.
“Oh, my darling boy, look at you!” Mama said, after shutting off the hair-dryer. “You look like a little orange cloud! Oh, you’re perfect!”
Kumquat puffed out his chest and held his head proudly. He always knew he was perfect, it was nice to hear it from someone else.
Then his tummy rumbled, and he remembered what he had been promised.
“Whewe sketties mummah?”
“Right this way, darling.” She said, scooping him up under her arm and carrying him to another room.
Kumquat was placed on the cold enamel surface of a kitchen counter, and looked around. This seemed like the place where nummies were given to fluffies… but there was still no spaghetti. What kind of nonsense was this?!
“Mama’s going to make your spaghetti just now, darling,” Mama said. “So you just be a good boy and wait right there, understand? No matter what happens, be a good boy, or no spaghetti.”
“Otay mummah.” Kumquat said with a quiet sigh. He’d been a good boy ever since he was born, why was mama acting like he wouldn’t be?!
Then he heard another click, and another noise… but it was different from the hair-dryer.
The dryer had been a kind of ‘WHOOOOOSH’ noise, but this was more of a ‘HMMMMMMM’ noise. Kumquat was about to look around to see if he could spot what was making it… then suddenly a hand grabbed him by the head, forcing him down onto his belly on the counter.
“WHA- MUNSTAH?!” He squeaked. Then he felt something else, something tugging at the fluff on his back. The hummy thing was louder now, and that maybe meant it was closer too! Kumquat began crying as he felt the hummy monster scraping against his fur, tugging and pulling at it, but then it stopped… and suddenly Kumquat felt very cold.
Then it happened again! Another ‘HMMMMM’ sound and something was pulling at the fluff on his side. Again and again it pulled and pulled, then it stopped, and then Kumquat was cold. Then it was on the other side! All the while he sobbed and wailed and begged the hummy monster to let him go, even offering it his forthcoming plate of spaghetti if it was willing to spare him, but to no avail. The hummy monster kept pulling and yanking and tugging.
Then suddenly Kumquat felt the entire world shift as he was flipped over onto his back. He let out a squeal as he felt the cold enamel of the counter press against his back. But that made no sense, his fluff would protect hi-
HIS FLUFF!!!
Suddenly it all clicked into place! The hummy monster was STEALING his fluff! No wonder Kumquat had felt so cold, the hummy monster was pulling it all off of him, bit by bit and piece by piece!
He opened his eyes again, ready to face the evil hummy monster eye to eye… and saw mama.
“Mummah…?” He peeped quietly. Mama said nothing, put placed her hand over his head, pinning him down again and covering his mouth. Once again the hummy monster buzzed away against his belly and hips, but also his legs too, taking every scrap of fluff he had!
At last mama took her hand away. Maybe now Kumquat wo-
Kumquat felt the world shift again as one of his leggies was yanked hard, sliding his smooth, hairless body along the counter, closer to mama (and the hummy monster!)
“Hold still.” Mama said bitterly. “Or you’ll be blind as well as ugly.”
“WHU?!” Kumquat squeaked, but all too soon he learned what mama meant. The hummy monster was pressed against his face, and just as before, his fluff was pulled and tugged at until it was gone, leaving his face and head completely hairless. Buzz-buzz-buzz, more lumps of bright orange fluff and green mane fluttered to rest on the counter, Kumquat watching in horror as his most prized possession (except maybe his special lumps) was taken away from him.
Finally there was another click, and the hummy monster stopped being hummy.
Mama wiped some sweat from her forehead, and smiled.
“There we are now, all better.” She said. Kumquat looked up, shivering from the coldness of the room-temperature air that was assaulting his sensitive, hairless body.
“M-m-mummah…” He whimpered. “Why t-take fwuff…?”
“Well what else would I need you for?” She said. Kumquat realised that her voice sounded different, she had been so gentle and loving before, but now… now she sounded mean!
“B-buh Kumquat nee’ fwuff… c-c-cowd…”
“Oh shut the fuck up.” She said, picking him up with both hands. Kumquat let out a quiet ‘eep!’ at the sensation, never having felt bare skin against his own bare skin before. “You shitrats are just lucky you’re good for at least one thing.”
She carried him through her home, and before Kumquat knew it, he was outside again. But this time, rather than being gently handled and cooed and baby-talked to, his ‘mama’ simply dropped him on the ground. Kumquat landed hard on his rear, which hurt, but at least didn’t break any of his limbs, and before he could say anything, ‘mama’ went back inside and shut the door.
Kumquat was back out on the street, and looked up, realising he was at the front of 'mama’s home. He could see a big window with a bunch of letters painted on it. He couldn’t read what they said, but if he could, he would have seen that it read:
‘MISS ANGELA’S FINE QUALITY WIGS’
Displayed all across the window, draped across a series of white plastic busts, were a variety of wigs in various beautiful colours. Purple, pink, yellow, blue, red, green… and then Kumquat spotted an empty one.
And somehow, deep in his tiny fluffy heart, he knew that by tomorrow morning it would have a beautiful orange wig on it’s plastic head.
Kumquat lay down on the cold, hard concrete, feeling much harder and less comfortable than it had ever felt before against his sensitive, bald skin, and he sobbed, violently shivering in the bitterly cold wind.
It just wasn’t fair!
