“Dummeh poopie bwudda! Nu steaw miwkies fwom bestest babbeh!” Your bigger, stronger orange unicorn brother kicked you on the end of your snout. You tumbled backwards and scraped your wingies on the rough asphalt of the alleyway you called home. “Huuhuhu pwease nu huwt! Babbeh su hungwy! Nu hab nummies fow su many fowebbas! Bwuddas nu eben dwink aww da miwkies!” Your brother snorted and screamed as he stomped the cardboard he stood on. “Nu cawe! Dummeh poopie babbeh nu hab bestest miwkies! Onwy fow bestest babbeh an bestest babbeh favwit famiwy! Nu fow dummeh!” You started sobbing uncontrollably. “But bwudda, babbeh nu hab teefies! Nu can hab big fwuffy nummies! Onwy miwkies! Babbeh tummeh huwties…” Mummah finally stirred and came out. “Wai babbehs yewwin, wat wong?” You started to speak up when your brother kicked you. “Shaddup! Dummeh poopie babbeh nu wan hab nummies, onwy wan steaw miwkies fwom gud babbehs!” Your mummah turned to you.
“Poopie babbeh, am dis twue?”
Your head felt hot. You were so so hungry, and so afraid because your reaction and responses would determine if you ate or if you starved to death within sight of your mother. “Babbeh…babbeh nu hab teefies! Nu can…nu can hab big nummies…” You plopped down on your poopie pwace and buried your head in your hoofies. "HUUUUU! Babbeh am su su HUNGWY! Nu wan hab wowstest tummeh huwties and fowebba sweepies!" Mummah walks over and sets herself down in front of you. Milkie places open. You start to stumble towards her when she boops you on your snout. You yelp in pain and fall down on your big foofy butt again as booboo juice starts to leak from your little smeww pwace.
“Owwies! Wai mummah huwt?” Mummah snorts. “Poopie can hab miwkies, but onwy when aww gud babbehs hab aww miwkies dey wan. Poopie dwink wat weft.” That…well it wasn’t no…
Your three brothers clustered in around mummah. Bestest was in charge and he got to drink on the right miwkie pwace. Gud babbehs had to share the left one and wrestled it back and forth. They were meanies like everyone was, but unlike Bestest they didn’t seem to enjoy it. They just sort of went along with what everyone else said or did.
They finished pretty quickly. They’d already fed that morning. As they left the teat, you again began stumbling over, but mummah hit you again. Harder this time. You bounced back and skipped off the hard ground a few times. “Poopie, mummah aweddy teww ou. Nu dwink miwkies untiw weaw babbehs am fuww.”
“But mummah, babbeh am weaw babbeh! Babbeh wewe in mummah tummeh!” Mummah spit at you, forcing you to swipe at your face and sputter to get it out of your mouth and eyes. “Dummeh poopie, weaw babbehs awe fwum mummah Speshaw Pwace. Dummeh stinky ugwy poopie babbehs awe fwum poopie pwace. Das wai poopie nu hab pwetty cowow an nu am weaw babbeh. Onwy poopie dat wook wike babbeh. Wike babbeh toysie fow mummah.” She looks down at your fat orange brother. “Babbeh stiww hungwy?” Your brother releases his latch and burps, precious milkies spilling from his mouth. "Babbeh am suuuuu fuww, but mummah miwkies suuuuu nummie tastee!" He looks straight at you. "Bestest babbeh mabbeh hab tu dwink awwwwww da miwkies mummah hab weft!" You started crying again.
“Nuuuuhuhuhuhuhuuuuuu! Pwease bwudda, weabe miwkies fow babbeh! Bwudda aweddy hab enuff miwkies, nu hab tu dwink mowe! Babbeh am su hungwy, tummeh su huwties! Nu wan die…” He pulled away again and looked up at mummah. “Bestest babbeh be wite back.”
He waddled out to you. He stood a full head taller than you. Malnourishment had made you small and weak in addition to underdeveloped. Honestly, none of your siblings even had to drink milkies. Mummah just let them. As Bestest reached you, you extended huggie weggies in a show of friendship. He, of course, kicked you directly in your wumps.
"Nu cawe! Dummeh poopie nu teww Bestest babbeh wat tu du!" On the last beat, he kicked you so hard you saw pretty sparkles and booboo juice came out your hear places. You slumped over hiding your head and sobbing. “Sowwy! Sowwy! Nu huwt babbeh!”
Bestest went back to mummah and latched. He kept sucking and sucking. Each passing second, less and less of the lifegiving nutrients you need are remaining. Why? Why does Bestest have to eat before you? Why can’t you have the milkies you need before he has extra milkies that he barely even wants? It wasn’t fair. It made you want to scream, but when you tried, you made a raspy peep.
You’re so weak. Bestest keeps drinking and drinking, and you feel the sun get higher and hotter. You’re not just hungry. You’re thirsty. You feel so faint and so dry, and all your muscles hurt! Not just your tummeh, but everywhere! If you don’t eat, you are going to die.
Finally, at long last, Bestest backs away. "Mmmmmm, fankyu fow bestest miwkies mummah! Bestest babbeh wub miwkies suuu muchies! Hafta gu sweepies, am su tiwed fwom dwink aww da miwkies an gif dummeh poopie sowwy hoofies fow bein wude." He was even bigger than normal. His tummeh was dragging along the ground as he scooted to the fluffpile.
You latched onto mummah, who was not giving you huggies, or good petties, or even singing her mummah songs! She was just muttering to herself. “Dummeh poopie babbeh, mummah nu wan gwoss poopie babbeh make miwkie pwace diwty fow gud babbehs.”
Just as you were starting to feel some of your strength return, the milk stops. You won’t die, but you might tomorrow.
“Dewe. Nu mowe miwkies. Dummeh poopie gu fank Bestest babbeh fow wet ugwy poopie hab miwkies ow mummah gif wowstest huwties tu dummeh wittwe weggies.” You peeped in fear as mummah made a chomping motion. Skittering to the back of Boxy Howsie, you found the fluffpile.
Bestest was on top of your bruddas like they were a bed. He was bloated, and his eyes looked sort of yellow. Your bruddas were complaining from below as he juat sort of sat there, breathing with some difficulty. “Owwies, bwudda tu hebby, babbeh nu wan pway sweepie game nu mowe!”
“B…bestest bwudda? Poopie wan…wan fankyu fow weabin’ miwkies fow poopie. Bestest bwudda am suuuuu nicies tu poopie aww da time an…an poopie wub Bestest bwudda suuuu muchies…” He looked at you through his milky yellow eyes, belching a thick milky substance down his chin and into your brother’s face. “Gwoss! Ptach! Pbaf! Nu wike! Kaff!” Your brother struggled to spit the gross fluid from his mouth as Bestest spoke.
“Dummeh poopie babbeh betta wemembew wat miwkies taste wike cuz next bwite time Bestest am gunna dwink awwwwwww miwkies!” He started belly laughing, which resulted in more spit up and some bad poopies. You ran away while your siblings made huhuhus about the nu smeww pwetty messy.
You returned to your spot out by the poopy pile and bedded down. Soon the sun would be down and night would come. You were still so tired…
Morning came as a surprise. You didn’t even remember dozing off. You hear a ruckus from mummah’s nestie. “Babbehs? Babbehs! Nuuuuuu! Pwease wakies, babbehs! Pwease nu sweep fowebba! Babbehs hafta wun and pway and pway gamesies and wub mummah! Mummah hafta wub babbehs! Nu can wub fowebba sweepies babbeh!” She sounded panicked. You started shuffling over, hungry once more. “Mummah? Wat wong?” She looked at you with a look you’d never seen from her. At least not at you.
Love. Love, joy, and above all relief.
“Babbeh! Mummah was suuuuu scawedies! Bestest babbeh an gud babbehs gu fowebba sweepies! Mummah nu knu wat happen, but mummah suuuuuuu saddies!” She approached you, causing you to shrink back in fear. “Nu wowwy babbeh, mummah nu be meanies nu mowe.” You were puzzled. Why?
“Weawwy, mummah? Mummah gun…gun wub babbeh? Nu caww poopie babbeh?” She picked you up and booped you on the snout, softer this time. “Nu, siwwy babbeh! Ou am wastest babbeh! Mummah awways wub wastest babbeh, and if babbeh am wastest babbeh, dat mean babbeh am bestest babbeh tuu! And bestest babbeh nu can be poopie babbeh, dat nu how babbeh wowk!” She hugged you. She’d never done that before.
“Mummah nu knu wai scawy munstah gif bwuddas nu smeww pwetty miwkie poopie sweepies, but mummah gwad munsta nu get aww babbehs. Mummah wub Bestest Babbeh su much!”
And Bestest Babbeh loved mummah.