“Pwincess am su su sowwy Big-Daddeh, pwease nu make Pwincess go back to sowwy box!” Princess says after my dad lets her out of the sorry box in the laundry room.
“You call me or anyone else in my house ‘dummy’ again you’re going out the fucking window, get me?”
“Nu wike bad wowdsies!” princess says before tossing her hair dismissively and waddling away looking for my mom or sister. My dad goes outside and lights a cigarette instead of stamping Princess into a bloody puddle by some act of God.
“Hewwo Danneh-daddeh! whewe am Wittle-Mummah?” Princess asks somewhat politely.
“She’s upstairs in her room.” I say, my face in my phone, texting with my friends, nothing seeming to be happening tonight.
“Danneh—Daddeh gib Pwincess bestest upsies! Nao!” She says stamping her hoofsies and puffing her cheeks out, somehow looking chubbier.
“Say the magic words…” I say ignoring her bad behavior. Why? Because dear reader, I’m not going to discipline her. I’m going to take her off the fucking map.
“Fwuffy Can Fwyyyyyy!” She says as I lift her and make wooshing noises as I make her climb and dip as we ascend the stairs.
“You know I didn’t tell Big-Mummah that you broke her vase…”
“Gasp Nu! Nu Danneh-Daddeh! Nu tell Big-Mummah dat Pwincess bwoke da vasey! Was assehdent! Fwuffy am gud fwuffy!”
“Okay princess. I just worried that when you broke that vase it might have awakened the ‘wacky alligator’.” I say in a hushed tone.
“Nu! Nu!…uh, wuh am wacky awwigator?” Princess says, matching my hushed tone.
“The wacky alligator…” I say, glancing around conspiratorially, “is an alligator that nums fluffies who have broken vases late at night…” I say walking her into my sister’s room.
My little sister is reading a book sitting on her canopy bed. “Oh Princess….why don’t you lay in your bed. You can sit by me if you can go an hour without anymore gas.”
I drop her on her dog bed ignoring her “ouchies”.
I play Call of Fluffy on my PlayStation until bedtime. I take my tablet and some headphones and cue up a video of a crocodile tearing into some zebras, a couple of hours after my sister and Princess have gone to bed. I’d confirmed that the bananas in the ‘two mash kibble’ I’d fed her had stopped her up and that earlier that evening Princess had let out several constipated grunts at the litter box.
I creep into my sister’s room and find my sister’s stuffed alligator that is half the size of Princess. I pick it up and approach Princess, snoring nearly as loudly as my sister.
I carefully slide the headphones over Princess’s ears. Then I hold the tablet right in front of her face and flick her nose. She wakes with a start, and I play the video of the crocodile chomping the shit out of zebras and water buffalos (yes, I’ve edited the carnage highlights to around 1 deadly chomp per half second. I’ve also edited my voice to scream: “IMAGINE ME, THE WACKY ALLIGATOR COMING TO CHOMP YOU, PRINCESS!”
“SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!” Princess screams flailing about on the bed her hoofs knocking into my sister’s side. The headphones fly off of her ears and bungee back to me on their cord.
“NOOOO! NO NUM PWINCESS! SCREEEEEEEE!” She begins projectile shitting all over my sister’s bed before running head first into the hard oak headboard and falling to the ground, shitting all over the antique bed frame and mattress! I toss the stuffed alligator onto my sister’s bed before I make a hasty retreat, as my sister begins to awaken and Princess Caroline lays face down in shit, her hooves twitching as she lets out an adorable little concussed groan beside my sister’s bed.
“MOOOOOOOOM! Princess pooed all over my bed!” My sister begins screaming, as I gently shut my door and slide into my bed.
I hear my parents stamping up the stairs to my sister’s midnight screams of terror and disgust!
“What the fuck did that little shit do to your room?!?” My dad shouts. My mom screams “Nana’s canopy bed…oh my God…” choking back a retch at the smell and volume of liquid shit.
“What’s going on…” I say wandering in rubbing sleep from my eyes.
My dad is busy having woken the unconscious fluffy up by grabbing her by the scruff of the neck. “Screeee! Bad upsies!” He then rubs her face in the shit smeared carpet next to my sister’s shit covered bed. “Nu! Nu! Rub fluffy’s facey in poopies! Nu mean to make bad poopies! Awwigator gunna num fwuffy!” My dad throw her across the room, bouncing once off the carpet before sliding to rest against the opposite wall.
“You mean this?!?” My dad snarls grabbing the tiny stuffed animal alligator off of my sister’s bed. “How fucking stupid is this little retarded horse?!?” My dad bellows. My mom just looks at Princess with disdain. My sister has hopped out of bed and is nearly throwing up at the shit stains on her night gown, and my mom is helping her to the upstairs bathroom next to her bedroom to get cleaned up. “You’re disgusting Princess! I hate you!” Lizzie yells at the fluffy, and I swear I see the look on Princess’ face as her heart rips into a million fucking pieces.