Note: read “Return to Facility X-88” first, obviously.
Dr. Valerie Valentine and Susan Laine-Stoley, daughters of the brilliant Dr. Pierre Faucheuse, walk down the hallways of Facility X-88, one of FauCorp’s breeding facilities for… unusual breeds of fluffies.
There’s doors on either side, with one-way windows, allowing the half-sisters to see saferooms full of fluffies.
This is just another routine examination. Both of Pierre’s daughters have a stake in facilities like this, and they’re just as good a team as their father and uncle are.
As the sisters pass one room, they look through the window, seeing a couple of orange fluffies with spiky yellow manes and tails, and identical foals.
And on their sides, the happy parents have an unusual emblem, which their foals will develop too.
It looks a lot like New Jersey’s coat of arms. But the women on either side have orange skin and spiky blonde hair, and instead of holding a staff and a cornucopia, they’re both holding pint mugs of beer. The shield between the women is missing, replaced with a large fist.
The horse head on top is instead the head of a savage monkey-like creature, the helmet in the middle is absent, and the streamer on the bottom displays words in a language not really spoken on Earth.
Roughly translated into English, it says “FIGHTING AND PARTYING”.
Susan smiles.
“Looks like the Vajarsi Flag Fluffies are coming along nicely, Val.”
Valerie nods.
“They don’t have much Saingan DNA in them, though. We thought it would be too dangerous, and toon fluffies are already pushing it.”
“I bet Konba was disappointed about that.”
“Well, I haven’t nixed the idea entirely. I’ll need to run some simulations before I approve of something like that.”
While Valerie and Susan carry out this examination, we’re going to be talking about more of the unusual fluffy breeds bred here.
And Valerie has already mentioned the first kind of fluffy we’ll be discussing today.
So let’s get started.
TOON FLUFFIES
Toon fluffies, like aquafluffies and stone fluffies, were engineered with extraterrestrial DNA.
This time, DNA from the Tuuni, a race of, essentially, living cartoon characters. Their monochrome bodies are comprised of a highly versatile substance known as Ynk, as is their home planet, also called Tuuni.
In fact, there is a theory, still unproven, that the planet Tuuni is actually a planet-sized member of the Tuuni race.
That has been proven to be the case for their moon.
The Tuuni race possesses the innate powers to manipulate Ynk into humorous implements, and defy the laws of physics in amusing ways. Toon fluffies have inherited these powers.
So far, it’s mostly Tuuni who own toon fluffies.
Regular fluffies can already be a bit of a handful, especially for inexperienced owners. At least a regular fluffy can’t drop a safe on you if you piss them off.
On the other hand, toon fluffies can shrug off many injuries that would kill a regular fluffy.
That is, they can do that if it would be funny.
For Tuuni and toon fluffies, the laws and conventions of comedy are their source of power, and their greatest weakness.
No one with Tuuni DNA can resist the old “Shave and a Haircut” trick. It’s a hardwired instinct.
And if you put them in a situation where any joke falls flat, they’re useless.
EXTRATERRESTRIAL FLAG FLUFFIES
While FauCorp now proudly breeds Flag Fluffies for every country on Earth, they weren’t content to rest on their laurels. They always strive to go above and beyond for fluffies and those who love them.
In this case, “above and beyond” is meant both figuratively, and very literally.
You see, fluffies have become popular on multiple planets since Earth joined the Intergalactic Federation.
Such as Lumix, which has had a one world government for centuries. Lumix was the first planet besides Earth to get its own Flag Fluffies.
The Lumixian flag is silver, with cyan circles representing Lumix itself, the three suns it orbits, and its several moons.
So Lumixian Flag Fluffies are usually silver and cyan too, with that emblem on their sides.
And the aquatic planet of Hydrox, which has nothing to do with the cookie, has its own Flag Aquafluffies instead.
Regular fluffies don’t do so well on a planet with even more water than Earth. Aquafluffies were created specifically so that the Hydroxians wouldn’t be left out, and that they’ve become popular with people who don’t sleep in baths is just a bonus to FauCorp.
The flag of Hydrox consists of three stripes: dark green on top, light green in the middle, and white on the bottom, representing the three races of the fishlike Hydroxians: Land Hydroxians, Sea Hydroxians, and Deep Hydroxians.
From the flag and the names, it should be obvious where on Hydrox each race lives.
And then there’s the Silics Flag Stone Fluffies.
The Silics flag, usually made of stonecloth, bears a simple diamond. As in the gemstone. Diamond Silicoids are exceedingly rare, gifted with extraordinary intelligence, and usually rise straight to the top of Silicoid society.
Never call a diamond Silicoid a rock, unless you want every Silicoid and troll to be angry at you.
The stone fluffies won’t be too pleased, either.
WOOLLIES
In truth, woollies aren’t a FauCorp creation.
They originate from Magicca, a pseudo-medieval world of magic on the B-side of the universe, and were created around the same time that Hasbio created fluffies on Earth.
Oddly enough, a similar chain of events happened on both worlds, at around the same time.
Strange how that works out, isn’t it?
And while fluffies were created with science, woollies were created with magic.
Woollies are a lot like fluffies in many ways, however. To the casual observer, they look, sound, and act like fluffies. They might call spaghetti noodles, but they love it all the same.
They can even interbreed with fluffies, the result being known as… drumroll… flooffies.
But there are differences. A woolly’s coat is more like wool than fluff. Thicker, curlier, and, frankly, harder to clean than fluff.
They’re a tad stronger and hardier, and live a bit longer than fluffies. And they can see octarine, the eighth color of the rainbow, the color of magic, the pigment of the imagination.
But the biggest difference?
Well, woollies have certain innate abilities.
Unicorns can make their horns glow faintly, and possess very low level telekinesis.
Pegasi can glide. Not very fast, mind you, and it’s for the best that they land on something soft.
Alicorns, naturally, can do both.
As for earthies? Well, they’re the strongest kind of woolly. Still nowhere near as strong as a human, even a normo human, mind you.
FauCorp markets woollies on Earth as a pet for expert fluffy owners, and strongly discourages first-time owners from adopting them.
Like toon fluffies, woollies can be a handful for a rookie. Kind of jumping in the deep end, there.
Of course, some people never back down from a challenge.
Often to their own detriment.
GARDEN FLUFFIES
Yeah, FauCorp didn’t really create these either.
The first garden fluffies were the result of regular fluffies being transformed by druidic magic, and some of those garden fluffies transformed to save their lives by Floris Hazelweiss, unofficial leader of druidkind, wandered off, did what fluffies do best, and gradually spread from the UK, to Europe, and from there, across the globe.
Naturally, no pun intended, FauCorp has started breeding them too. They’re marketing garden fluffies as lower-maintenence pets. Garden fluffies aren’t as ravenous as their untransformed brethren, as they are capable of photosynthesis. It doesn’t entirely eliminate the need for food, but a garden fluffy can go a lot longer before they start complaining about “tummeh owwies”.
Their instinctual fear of water isn’t as substantial, either. On rainy days, you might see garden fluffies happily frolicking in the rain, wondering why other fluffies always make such a big deal out of the stuff.
And in the springtime, you might be lucky enough to see flowers bloom on their bodies. In spring, a herd of garden fluffies looks like a walking meadow.
Strangely, the kind and color of the flowers seems to be hereditary. A garden fluffy mare who sprouts red roses in the springtime will probably give birth to foals who likewise sprout red roses.
Or they might get the kind of flower from one parent, and the color from the other parent.
Blue rose garden fluffies are the rarest kind, will fetch top dollar, and, of course, FauCorp managed it first.
Trying to stay one step ahead of FauCorp is futile, because they’ll be two steps ahead of you.
Maybe more.
Imagine.
Valerie and Susan round out their tour, all operating, more or less, as intended.
Yesterday, there were one hundred and eight births in the micro fluffy department.
Micro fluffy colonies tend to grow very fast if not kept in check, such as via contraceptive nutrigel. Yes, that’s a thing, and guess where it was invented.
The Flag Fluffy department is working on Pride Flag Fluffies, and hopefully the project will be finished in time for Pride Month.
FauCorp was founded by a man known for his philanthropy, and the profits from the Pride Flag Fluffies will be going directly to various LGBT charities.
An employee with a terrible sense of humor suggested, not entirely jokingly, that they make Nazi Flag Fluffies.
He was on his last warning, and won’t be welcome back on FauCorp property any time soon.
One of the employees tripped on a stone fluffy and broke his leg.
Fortunately, another employee is working here to pay for university, and she’s going to Corey University, so she’s a dab hand at healing spells, and mended the injury in seconds.
And the Superfluffy Fluffy department is taking another swing at making Superfluffy fluff even softer.
They might hit critical softness if they don’t stop soon.
The half-sisters make their way out, as they’ve both got a lot left to do today.
Susan’s next stop is her office at the top of Faucheuse Tower.
She’ll be meeting with Calvin and Marley, giving them updates on upcoming ChaotiX merchandise, and she’s looking forward to showing the duo the prototypes of the new Nano Armor Calvin and Marley action figures.
Judy’s is still being worked on. Faucheuse Toys’ R&D department wasn’t satisfied by how the leopard print looked, so they’re redoing it, which Susan approved of.
FauCorp has high standards for all of its products.
And Valerie will be heading back to Faucheuse Tower too, to her lab.
She needs to check in on a project related to the nano armors, but she also needs to speak with Dr. Alex Ginger, gifted geneticist and fellow Nerd Squad member.
They’ll be going over ideas for new subspecies of fluffies. The question is, what kinds do there need to be?
For a planet such as Hydrox, the matter was simple: there needed to be a kind of fluffy that doesn’t drown if they see water.
For Silics, there needed to be a kind of fluffy that doesn’t get turned into a depressing ball of bloody fluff and broken bones by hands made of metamorphorical rock.
And for Tuuni, there needed to be a kind of fluffy for whom the laws of physics are mere suggestions, and which makes the relationship between owner and fluffy a comic double act.
Some people want a fluffy that’s easy to take care of, and some people never back down from a challenge.
Ultimately, the goal is for fluffies to flourish, wherever they may live, so that they can live in harmony, not just with humans, but with everyone else.
Except the Tennebites, but there’s no helping those hyperxenophobic bastards.
Humans created fluffies, but many humans abuse them, effectively punishing fluffies for the crime of being born.
Sure, the abusers didn’t personally create fluffies, but they still seem to think that fluffies are to blame for their own existence.
Even Hasbio just saw fluffies as a way to make money, using legal loopholes to evade consequences for their actions, and the fluffies killed by their shoddy products.
“Shoddy” was the nice way of putting it. Swap the O out for an I, and swap the Ds out for Ts, that’s the mean way.
So, to get back on topic, FauCorp works to take responsibility for as many fluffies as possible, because others won’t.
They look out for fluffies who have no one else looking out for them, offering them a safe refuge and the possibility of adoption, in the form of the Faucheuse Foundation.
They strive to educate both fluffies and their owners, via the cinematic productions of Fluffywood, and the writings of Dr. Deston Faucheuse, who people have begun to call the Fluffy Whisperer.
And FauCorp is closely affiliated with the ChaotiX, who work tirelessly to protect fluffies from those who wish to harm them, and save fluffies in non-abuse-related peril.
That is, when they’re not working tirelessly to save the world, universe, and/or multiverse.
And, of course, there is the Fluffy Cabal, of which Calvin, Valerie and Susan are members, that group of like-minded individuals in high places who not-so-sinisterly plot the betterment of fluffykind’s lot.
If there is no justice?
They’ll make some.
If the law won’t stand between fluffies and abusers, and say “no, we can’t let this happen”?
FauCorp, the Fluffy Cabal and the ChaotiX will. Because someone has to.
And if anyone wants to stop them?
Let them try.
As the half-sisters stand in the parking lot, Susan places a hand on Valerie’s shoulder.
“Take it away, Val.”
“Of course, Suzy. Next stop, Faucheuse Plaza. 424c4950.”
blip
Valerie and Susan vanish.