Warning: spoilers for the Hatred Saga.
Note: read “It Is Far Sweater To Be Alone Than To Be In Bad Company” first.
Note 2: apologies in advance if this story gives you a craving for ice cream again.
Hey, it’s Jeff. Jeff Robinson. Ugly Sweater Guy, remember?
Hi. Good to see you. How ya been?
So, it’s only been, like, a week or so since we returned to Detroit, and I found out that a psychotic, kingdom-conquering wizard is trying to recruit me into his creepy crew, after an undead biker friend of his knocked on my door, threw a jar of evil at me, and was chased off by a chaotic snowman with a carrot boner.
A rare sentence, I know.
Fortunately, Cal and Marley stopped by to see how things were going after that.
They reassured me that Dehak doesn’t have the power to conquer kingdoms anymore. Apparently he needed some kind of magic artifact to do that, and that artifact was destroyed.
Gee, I wonder who destroyed it. Perhaps it was the guy who liberated Drakonia twice?
And Marley told us that Cal could have cured me, if that Seed of Darkness infected me.
Cal showed us how he could cure me, too. Now I know what Luminary Form is.
Apparently Cal can turn into, like, Super Cal or something, it turns his hair white, and then he can blast someone with pure light to get the Seed out, I don’t really know the finer details. Don’t ask me how he got that kind of power, all he said is be careful when accepting gifts from strangers.
I’m not sure that posing like a shonen protagonist when he transforms is mandatory, but I can see why Cal insists on doing that.
Yeah, I’ve occasionally watched anime. Gotta problem with that?
Funnily enough, this revelation actually put my mind at ease, once I wasn’t shocked about it.
I mean, it’s good to know that whatever those Seeds do to people isn’t permanent.
Even if it means that I’d have to depend on Cal to cure me.
If I was still an abuser, I wouldn’t know which possibility is worse. And if everything Chaos told me is true, that Seed would basically make me snap back to my abuser days. That’s… that’s me at my worst.
And if that happens… what would I end up doing to Electra?
Would my affection for her be strong enough for me to fight back against the Seed’s influence?
I know that Cal and Marley can draw incredible power from love. It’s cheesy and sappy as hell, but even I can’t deny that it gets results.
But it’s not like I can turn the power of love into golden, anti-magical fire.
So would I be able to stop myself from pissing on Electra, or, God forbid, turning her into a breeding pillow? Or would I be helpless to watch as she suffers at my hands?
Can’t lie, I’ve… had my fair share of nightmares about that scenario since I met the Rider.
If those bastards manage to get a Seed in me after all, Cal had better act fast, before I do something I’ll never forgive myself for.
And I don’t know if I’d be able to make it easier for him to fix it. If I’d be able to hold myself back.
I don’t know whether, uh, Seed of Darknessed me would let Cal cure me…
Or run away screaming again.
Other than that, I’ve been busy making preparations to leave Detroit, with at least one ChaotiX member watching us from a distance at all times, for my and Electra’s safety.
They’re good at staying hidden, so I usually can’t tell they’re watching us, but at least I know they’re watching us.
And they reassured me that they wouldn’t be spying on me in the bathroom, unless they discover that Dehak is somehow hiding in the toilet tank.
He’s a wizard. He’s got magic. It’s a genuine possibility.
Why did I have to be born and raised in a city with practically no wizards, and no magical neighborhood? Why didn’t I take a course at that magic school in Korkeaopolis, I was there for a while!
What’s it called again? Corey University, I think? Hold on… as in Giles Corey? The “more weight” guy?
Does that mean he actually was a wizard?
Now that I think about it, it’s probably for the best that Detroit isn’t a wizard-friendly environment.
Like, imagine Jaws as a wizard. Nuff said!
Anyway, it’s often Victor or Kyle keeping an eye on us. Kyle, I actually like, but Victor still scares the shit out of me.
One morning, I stepped out of the house, saw a red dot on my chest, and panicked, only to see Victor standing on the roof, holding a laser pointer and laughing at me.
He was holding his phone with his other hand, so I assume that me diving into the bushes was recorded for posterity and shared with the rest of the ChaotiX.
Just couldn’t resist messing with me again, could he…
Oh yeah, and Chaos has been dropping in every couple of days, to see how I’m doing.
Every time he leaves, I quickly notice that the pantry’s been refilled for me.
What, is he afraid that if I go to the supermarket, that Dehak guy will jump me in the frozen food aisle and shove a Seed up my ass?
Eh, I guess I can’t complain about free food.
In my opinion, that’s the best kind of food.
At the moment, I’m at my house, in the back garden, and Chaos is here, having brought his fluffies, a colorful little couple by the names of Loki and Eris.
They’re just as colorful as Woodstock, Tommy’s fluffy. Remember, I… bumped into them after Jaws blackmailed me?
And Chaos loves rainbows, so it makes sense that he’d adopt rainbow-colored fluffies. I think he said that he made that decision when he met Woodstock, at the end of the World Revolution.
From what I’ve heard, that was one of the biggest battles the ChaotiX ever fought.
So glad I wasn’t there for that.
It’s a nice sunny day, the only sign of the unexpected snowstorm a week or two ago being the snowman that is still in my front garden, so I’ve left the sweater inside, on the couch. I’m just wearing a T-shirt and jeans.
Sometimes I put the sweater on because I’m feeling paranoid. It’s almost like a security blanket I can wear. Yeah, it’s a bit childish, but it makes me feel safe, and you know who’s after me!
A lot of my stuff’s been packed up, anything that doesn’t have sentimental value is on Craigslist, I’ve had a few potential buyers visit the house (no buyers yet, though), and my car’s currently in the shop.
It’s just getting a tune-up, and a new paint job. Cal had an idea to make selling the car easier.
Gotta be at least one Breaking Bad fan around here, right?
Maybe whoever’s selling that Fleetwood Bounder I saw on Craigslist would be willing to make a trade.
I’m probably gonna be trading the car in anyway. I’ve had it for a long time, gotta lotta good memories of that car, but it isn’t big enough for all of my stuff, and staying at camper parks instead of motels will be a refreshing change of pace.
I think Cal mentioned something about the Nerd Squad making capsules with vehicles and stuff in them. Gosh, I wonder where they got that idea.
You think he’d let me have some of those capsules?
Because then we could leave town today.
I dunno if that Dehak guy and his buddies are still in Detroit, but there’s a lot of people living here who I’d like to get away from as soon as possible.
Haven’t seen any of those guys yet, though.
I think I know who I have to thank for that.
If it isn’t Chaos, it has to be Victor.
Me and Chaos are sitting at a table on the patio, watching Loki and Eris introduce themselves to Electra.
“Hewwo! Am Woki!”
“An am Ewis! Hewwo!”
“Hewwo, am Ewectwa.”
Now, Electra doesn’t mind being alone. Remember, she used to live on the streets before I adopted her, and she was kicked out of her herd. She isn’t fixated on accumulating as many friends as possible, like a lot of fluffies are. That’s how feral herds can get so big.
But according to one of those many books on raising fluffies I bought at Flufftopia, it’s good for a fluffy to have plenty of interaction with friends of their own species.
There weren’t a lot of opportunities for fluffy playdates on the road. We’d occasionally stop at a park so Electra could run and play and get some fresh air, but again, we never stuck around for long.
And yeah, I was recognized a lot. A lot of people snapped selfies with us, some of them even asked me for my autograph.
Me! For my autograph!
I was actually kinda flattered. Embarrassed, but flattered, and a bit touched, too.
Is that how Cal felt when people started asking him for autographs?
I’ll ask him when I see him.
“So, uh, Chaos. With names like that, I’ve gotta ask…”
Chaos chuckles using his usual cheerful, flamboyant voice. He’s in milkman form today.
“They’re both names I’ve used in the past. Haven’t I told you, Jeff? I’ve posed as every trickster figure at some point of my existence.”
“I’m compelled to ask why.”
Chaos produces a cone of rainbow-colored ice cream from nowhere, licking it before he replies.
“Oh, it wasn’t always for the same reason. Often, it was just to screw with someone. And the trickster gods have been known to pretend to be each other for laughs, I couldn’t help but join the fun. Sometimes I miss those guys.”
“Huh? Miss them? Where’d they–”
“I can’t really go any further into it than that, you should remember that.”
“Huh. Ooooooookay. What flavor is that, by the way?”
“Every flavor. And that’s not hyperbole. I’d offer you a scoop, but a mortal mind can’t handle the nuclear taste explosion. Just one little lick, and your tongue would commit suicide, because it would know that it’ll never taste anything more delicious than this.”
He takes another lick of his mind-breakingly delicious rainbow ice cream. I don’t think it can drive him crazy, because he’s already crazy.
And I might be crazy too, because part of me actually wants to try it.
“So how about a scoop of one flavor? I’m sure that won’t break your fragile mind.”
I grin at him.
“How about two scoops?”
“Ha! Feeling bold, are you? Sure, why the hell not. Which flavors do you want?”
He pointedly licks his every flavor ice cream.
“I can do any flavor. Again, not exaggerating.”
“Uh, how about… well, it would be kinda wasteful to ask for something boring like vanilla…”
Chaos laughs, sprinkling rainbow sprinkles on his ice cream. He just pulled a handful out of his pocket.
“Yes, I see what you mean. You can get vanilla ice cream at literally any supermarket. Go wild, Jeff! Perhaps there’s a flavor you dearly miss because they don’t make it anymore? I could make ice cream in any flavor that has existed, will exist, or could exist. And if I want to get really crazy, I could make ice cream that tastes like things that aren’t even flavors at all.”
Electra looks at Chaos, raising an eyebrow.
“Wut du mistah Kay-ohs meen?”
Chaos chuckles again.
“Well, I could make ice cream that tastes like the sound of the ocean waves, or the memory of your first kiss, or the realization that your grandma is actually kind of racist.”
I nod sagely, because my grandma was kind of racist. Erm, I say “kind of”, but that’s putting it mildly.
“I won’t repeat the words Nana Robinson used to describe black people. I think they’d piss Andre off, and Cal says that Andre uses the N-word a lot. My parents always made excuses to avoid visiting Nana in the retirement home for a reason. She, uh, didn’t like living in Detroit.”
“Oy. Sounds like she was a pleasure to be around.”
I can practically feel the biting sarcasm he put into the word “pleasure”.
“Chaos, you have no idea. When I was a kid, I couldn’t even invite my black classmates over to my house if she was there. She’d keep saying slurs while pretending to cough. And she never took her eyes off them, like she was expecting them to pick the house clean the second she looked away. More than once, she threatened to call the cops. One time, she actually did call the cops. She spent some time in jail for that.”
“Can I assume that she’s no longer in the living realm?”
“You can. She passed away about a year before the Fall of Cleveland. I don’t think she’d like the world we live in now a whole lot either.”
“Then it’s a good thing she never crossed paths with the Cunning Man.”
“The who? Oh yeah, Cal mentioned dealing with him a couple of nights ago. I guess we kinda slept through that whole thing. After the night I spent in San Francisco, I’m not complaining!”
“Mmm, and you were fortunate enough to not be in Cal’s neck of the woods at the time, which saved you from falling under the Cunning Man’s sway.”
“Under his what–”
“So, getting back on topic, what flavors do you want?”
“Eh? Oh yeah. Well, now that you’ve mentioned discontinued ice cream flavors… I have been missing Baskin-Robbins’ Apple Pie À la Mode… and I once heard they had a flavor based on Miami Vice, always wanted to give that a try–”
Suddenly, I realize that I’m holding an ice cream cone with two scoops, of exactly those flavors.
And a dollop of whipped cream and rainbow sprinkles.
There’s even a flaky chocolate bar stuck in it.
“Huh. Thanks, Chaos. I didn’t even ask for any toppings.”
He nods, holding up his cone in a toast like it’s a glass of champagne.
“No problem. My treat.”
I pull the chocolate bar out and eat it, brushing the resulting crumbs off my shirt.
“What kind of chocolate bar is this?”
pop
Then another bar appears, lodged in the ice cream exactly where the first one was, Chaos grinning at me.
“It’s called a Flake, it’s British. That’s common across the pond, dont’cha know. Oh, but of course…”
A rainbow-colored bowl appears near our feet, with a few scoops of both flavors, also with whipped cream and sprinkles, a few of those Flake bars stuck in there.
“I think our fluffies should try it too, don’t you agree? Yoohoo, darlings!”
Chaos waves our fluffies over, and Electra waddles over to the bowl with Loki and Eris.
“Otay, wets gib dis a twy.”
When they sample it, they all seem to like it.
I dig in to my own ice cream, and it’s a surprisingly tasty combination.
“Man, I’ve missed that apple pie flavor so much. Electra, what do you think?”
She looks up at me, little bits of ice cream around her mouth.
“It nu am hawf bad.”
Chaos chuckles yet again, savoring his own ice cream.
“You can keep the bowl and the cone. They’ll refill themselves when you’re not looking, so do try not to eat too much of it, yes? And if you get sick of those flavors, just ask, I can change 'em in a heartbeat. I, ah, gave Al’s fluffies a bowl like that too. Oh, and it doesn’t melt, ever, or should I say, it doesn’t melt until it’s in your mouth. You could eat that ice cream on the sun if you felt like it.”
“Wait, who’s Al?”
“Short for Alpha, dear Jeff. Alpha Korkea, nowadays.”
“Oh, right, Cal’s robot twin. I don’t think we’ve met yet. Hold on. Cal… and Al… was that on purpose?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Ah. Still kinda corny, though.”
Electra grins up at me.
“Ewectwa fink it am kinna cyoot, Jeff.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve met a few fluffies whose owners didn’t put any thought into naming them. Chaos suggested a good name for you, and I actually learned something from it. I didn’t even know electrum was a thing before that.”
“Dat am a… uh… ah-woy of gowd an siw-vuw, wite? An a ah-woy am wut yu git wen yu mix diff-went metaws tugeba.”
Loki beams, Eris still numming ice cream.
“Dat am wite, daddeh towd us abowt dat. An bwonze am a ah-woy of copp-uw an tin.”
Chaos nods too.
“Bronze is a bit too drab for my liking, but that’s a quick fix. You haven’t been to New Quezon City, have you?”
“That’s in the Philippines, isn’t it? Al destroyed the place… and then rebuilt it. Why do you ask?”
“Correct! I ask because there’s a Tele-Port there, so, if you’ve got the time, I suggest that you swing by Chaos Park. Yes, it’s named after little old me, and there’s a statue of me too! Right where I wanted to put my stamp of approval. It’s so colorful there! So many different kinds of flowers. It’s multi fortuni!”
“Really?”
“Really. Al couldn’t choose which kind of flowers to grow, so he grew some of everything. I’m very proud of him. When he first arrived in this era, he wanted nothing more than to achieve perfection, so he could exterminate all organic life. Now, he’s wielding the power he sought to defend life. He created a garden where anything can grow, and a city full of people who adore him.”
He pensively licks his ice cream again.
“Like you, he chose a better Way than a Way of violence and death. And that’s why I play the game with people such as you. I’ve seen people much worse than mere fluffy abusers choose a better path to walk, so I knew that you could change for the better too. And I was right, wasn’t I?”
“Yeah. You were right.”
“Oh, you know I love hearing that!”
“But you aren’t always right, Chaos. I mean, you wanted to play the game with Jaws, and he didn’t choose a better path, did he?”
Meanwhile, in Hell’s tenth circle, as the two elites assigned to Jaws escort him through the unhallowed halls to his next punishment, Jaws still wearing his pink fluffy costume, another demon, a short and scrawny one, runs past them, frantically waving his arms.
“Make way! We’ve got fresh meat incoming! Gotta get these guys fitted for their costumes pronto, and one of 'em’s fatter than Shamu! Wide load, coming through!”
The elites and their charge see more elites escort several newly arrived damned souls in the other direction, and get out of the way.
There’s a corpulent man, a tall, thin man, and a deceptively sweet and grandmotherly old woman in the group. Naturally, none of them are very thrilled to be here.
The tall, thin man is muttering to himself in a reedy voice.
“Since when can that shitrat turn into a lion?”
The corpulent man stares at him, baffled.
“I must have missed that part. Korkea killed me first, don’t forget! Couldn’t even get to watch all of you die.”
“At least you died quickly!”
Two of the elites assigned to that group jab both men with pitchforks, making them yelp.
“Zip it, morons!”
“We didn’t say you could talk!”
“And we know you’re all used to ordering people around, but you’re in Hell now! Down Here, you take orders from US! You’re in the shit now, boys and girls!”
“So keep your traps shut or we’ll NAIL 'em shut! Yes, even YOU, granny!”
One of the elites with Jaws watches the other group pass, and the trio moves on.
“Huh. Looks like Hova’s pals have FINALLY been processed. Where do you think old Jacob himself is, G’h’zz? Shouldn’t HE be Down Here too, with his pals?”
The other elite shrugs.
“Who gives a shit, M’zz? Like we didn’t have ENOUGH retards to babysit. I know we wouldn’t even have jobs without Korkea, and I’m totally grateful and all, but he keeps sending pathetic morons our way. It’s been a while since he sent someone REALLY bad Down Here.”
“I know, right? When’s he gonna get around to sending Dehak Down Here? That rotten asshole’s been due for his punishment for CENTURIES. If only Korkea knew how many people Down Here are actually ROOTING for him.”
“Eh, he’ll get around to it EVENTUALLY. Alright, Humphries, now that you aren’t catatonic anymore, let’s go give you another turn with the snake.”
Jaws whimpers in dread.
“Another turn…?”
“Yup! We wanna see how many times it takes to BREAK you.”
“But we’re gonna mix it up. Variety is the spice of… death, I guess. THIS time, we’re gonna smother you in hot sauce first. Hot sauce with INFINITE SHUs.”
“That’s short for Scoville heat units. So make sure you don’t get any in your eyes, dumbass!”
“Can’t you just dunk me in mayonnaise instead?”
“Well yeah, we CAN, but the mayonnaise we get Down Here is made with eggs laid by demon chickens, so it doesn’t burn much less than that hot sauce.”
“Those eggs never hatch into demon CHICKS, before you ask. Demons can’t create life. But they’re still tasty, at least, if you’re a demon. If you’re NOT a demon, it BURNS on the way down. You’ve heard of eggs over-easy? Those are eggs over-HARD.”
“They’re good for throwing at idiots like you, too. Anyway, mayonnaise doesn’t go well with RETARDS. Everyone knows that.”
“And you can forget about sweet and sour sauce, because we only have sour and MORE sour sauce.”
“But honestly, you’re sour ENOUGH.”
“I hope that demon snake chokes on me this time.”
G’h’zz and M’zz cackle as one.
“It won’t.”
“Trust us.”
“So you see what I mean, Chaos?”
Chaos nods again.
“Of course I do, Jeff! Just as I told Cal, and Cal told you, I give everyone the power to make choices. But it’s hardly my fault if someone makes the wrong choice. My point is, I knew you could change for the better, because I’ve seen much worse people do that. And I also knew that you didn’t have to change for the better, because I’ve seen much worse people refuse to change.”
“Like Dehak.”
“For starters, yes. He’s been causing trouble for a long time. You should ask Cal and Goldilocks to tell you some stories.”
“Goldilocks is… François, right? The half-demon wizard?”
“Yep. Also Pierre and Deston’s father.”
“Yeah, I read that in Who’s Who, it was a shocker. So he’s got history with Dehak too, then?”
“No less than three hundred years of history. In fact, they had more history than François realized until their reunion at the Festival of the Rising Tower.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m dreadfully sorry, but you’ll have to ask Cal and François to elaborate. We should be off, anyway. I’m sure you’ve got a lot to do today.”
“…Yeah, I do. More people coming to see the house. Hopefully, they’ll actually want to buy it this time. The sooner we sell the house, the sooner we leave town. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that we’ve been in Detroit for six months or something.”
“Well, you have plenty of people who can help you with all of this. They’re just a phone call away, Jeff. Alright, little ones! Let’s get you two home!”
Loki and Eris hug Electra goodbye.
“Dis wuz fun.”
“We am gunna wan see yu again, Ewectwa.”
Electra smiles at them.
“Yu take cawe of yu-sewfs, otay?”
Chaos gets up, still holding his ice cream.
“We’ll be seeing Jeff and Electra again soon enough, my dears. But for now, Jeff and I must part ways, for we both have important affairs to attend to.”
“So where are you going, Chaos?”
He chuckles one more time.
“Places.”
And like that, Chaos, Loki and Eris vanish, leaving the bowl of ice cream and the cone in my hand behind.
I should have expected an answer like that.
I look at Electra, who has gone back to eating her ice cream.
“So what do you make of those two, Electra?”
She finishes her mouthful of ice cream before answering, something I’ve had to request her to do.
“Dey am nice, but Ewectwa neba seen su manee cowows awn wun fwuffy bee-fowe.”
“Heh. You’ve never met Woodstock, he’s got the same colors.”
“An Woodstock am…”
“Tommy’s fluffy. Oh right, you never met Tommy either. Well, we’ll probably see them again eventually. I’ve been meaning to visit Blueberry’s Forest, we can do that later, it’s close to Korkeaopolis.”
“Su, we am guin back tu dat sitty?”
“Frankly? It wasn’t really a matter of if, it was a matter of when.”
I look up at the clear blue sky.
“Now that I know that a villain like Dehak is out there, wanting to recruit me, it might be a good idea to stay close to the ChaotiX. At least until we’re safe. After that… we’ll see. We’d better put the ice cream in the freezer, we’ve got more potential buyers coming in an hour, and I wanna make sure the house is spotless for them.”
So I get up, and pick the bowl up with one hand, and as I walk back into the house, the glass sliding door open, Electra follows me into the living room.
“Hey, Jeff?”
“Yeah?”
“Whewe yu fink Dehak am wite nao?”
“Probably not in Detroit, that’s for sure. Again, I gotta be honest…”
As I walk into the kitchen, I shudder.
“The further away he is from us, the better.”
Meanwhile, on the B-side of the universe, the Octovirate meets in the throne room of their elusive base, somewhere in the Kingdom of Drakonia.
The dominant color in the room’s decor is black. Were you really expecting a color like pink?
And it’s evidently not above ground, because there’s no windows.
The room is lit by magical torches burning an eerie blue, much like the torches that illuminated the Tower of Tyranny, and the air smells musty, like no one’s resided here for quite some time.
Which was the case.
When the Octovirate arrived here, not long after they exited Detroit via the Infinite Corridor, they discovered that monsters had moved into the abandoned lair, as monsters tend to do on Magicca.
But they had already begun bringing everyone in Drakonia loyal to Dehak here, again, via the Infinite Corridor, so they wound up with all kinds of valuable and useful monster parts after clearing the place out.
And a few dead minions, but Dehak wasn’t too concerned about that. He’s one of those villains who considers his minions replaceable.
Dehak himself is seated on a large black throne, decorated with skulls that are probably real, Shadow Calvin obediently standing in silence next to the throne.
“So what do you make of this place, gentlemen?”
Varney, the thrall he acquired in Detroit, and the Rider are seated on black armchairs, conjured up by Dehak.
“This isn’t that secret crypt you mentioned, is it? And we can’t be in the Lich Yard either, this place is too big to hide there.”
The Rider’s resting his feet on his helmet. Dehak fireproofed the armchairs with a spell equivalent to Ambus.
“Did you dispel the enchantment that vaporises anyone except you upon entry?”
Since Dehak got back to Magicca, he’s been leaping on excuses to cast spells. Here, the ambient background magic is high enough to sufficiently mask his own fearsome magical might, unless he really puts some elbow grease into his spells.
Imagine someone from Earth waking up on December 1st after No Nut November, and you’ll know, more or less, how Dehak feels right now. He had a bad case of magical blue balls.
Dehak shakes his head.
“No, no. This isn’t my secret crypt. I own a good few properties across Drakonia, gentlemen. This is just one of them. I haven’t been here in ages. Last time I was here, I had yet to face Auldryn, and I had yet to lose my body. I was a much more foolish man.”
And the Many is hovering above the armchairs.
“Dis pwace am big enuff fow aww ouw min-yuns, foh.”
“But it won’t be big enough for the expansions I’ve got planned. We’ll need a much bigger complex to establish a proper foothold on the other side. A complex big enough to house thousands, at the very least. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. First, we must complete the Octovirate.”
Then Dehak points at the fledging vampire.
“As Varney’s new thrall will be busy acquiring things from Earth for us, he won’t be joining the Octovirate, but he will be of great use to the New Order of Darkness nonetheless. That means we still need three more members. Or rather, we need to rescue Umbra and the Dark Demon, and find one more new member, to replace Shaun.”
The Rider laughs.
“Robinson will do, obviously. We can follow him ANYWHERE now that we’ve got the Key to Infinity.”
“Yes, but finding him again will be tricky. Because you couldn’t at least grab some of his hairs, scrying on him across worlds will be a challenge. If only those damned passageways would open again!”
The Rider throws his bony hands up.
“Okay, to be fair, that was Chaos’ fault. I didn’t expect him to save Robinson with a goddamn SNOWBALL FIGHT. But finding Umbra and the Demon shouldn’t be hard. Korkea will want to keep them close, so he can make sure they don’t escape. If I had to put money on it, I’d say they’re being held at the School.”
“Which school?”
“KORKEA’S school. It’s the HQ of the ChaotiX, and where X-Positives are trained. They don’t exactly HIDE it, it’s common knowledge on Earth.”
Dehak strokes his stringy beard, an intrigued and begrudgingly impressed look upon his rotten face.
“Oh, that’s clever of the boy, I’ll give him that. Teaching them to harness their powers, indoctrinating them with his weak, flawed ideals, and recruiting them to do his bidding, all in one place. So very, very convenient. I’ve never had a problem with borrowing good ideas from my enemies, so I’ll have to keep that in mind.”
Varney chuckles.
“And what would you call your school, then?”
Dehak beams like a schoolboy planning a prank.
“I think I’ll just call it the Dehak Academy. It’ll be the perfect place to turn fresh-faced youths into tomorrow’s obedient worker drones, marching in step to a darker future under our rule.”
The Rider laughs again.
“In THAT case, you’ll want to take notes from America’s public schools.”
Varney raises an eyebrow.
“For someone who lives-- used to live in America, Rider, you certainly have no shortage of criticisms for it. I was under the impression that Americans believe their country to be the greatest country on Earth.”
The Rider shrugs in a “ya got me” manner.
“What can I say? In death, I saw my homeland clearly for the first time, Varney. Frankly, I say fuck that entire PLANET. We can’t do any worse running it than the chucklefucks in charge now. And we’ve got two sides of a whole UNIVERSE waiting for us to conquer them when we’re DONE with these two piddly planets.”
The Many nods.
“Bee-sides, ebwy-wun fink dat dey cun-twee am da bestest wun.”
Dehak scoffs.
“I’ve always derided patriotism, gentlemen. As far as I’m concerned, all countries are but prizes to be won. My subjects are just a way of keeping score, if you will. On another note, it seems that the Cunning Man the Rider told us about no longer walks the Earth. We could feel the overwhelming power he and the boy unleashed from here. So when we make our glorious return to the other side, we won’t have to worry about him.”
Varney grins.
“If he was still alive, this entire world would give him a massive aneurysm.”
“Not UNtrue, Varn. A world where magic is embraced by everyone? He’d HATE it here!”
“It am tuu bad dat we nu cud wowk sumfin owt wif him. He cudda bin yoos-fuw.”
Dehak shrugs dismissively.
“He wouldn’t want to work with us, anyway. None of us are normal, at least, not by Earth’s standards. Here, it’s people who don’t know any spells who are the abnormal ones. Now, moving on: we need to decide where on Earth we will build our new headquarters.”
Varney’s thrall raises a hand, and Varney turns to him.
“You may speak freely, my child. I’ve told you that you don’t have to wait for my permission every time.”
The thrall speaks up.
“I just wanted to say that I don’t care where we build our base, as long as it isn’t Massachusetts. I hate Massachusetts so much.”
“…Okay, you don’t have to say that all the time.”
“We git it. Yu hate Massah-choo-sits. But wut we nu git am wai yu hate it su much.”
“Many, don’t set him off again. He’s like one of those jook-boxes, you put a coin in and he’ll play that song all day. My child, you can speak freely, but you don’t have to remind us of your loathing for Massachusetts so often. I permit you to do so once a day, and no more.”
“My apologies, Master Varney. Thank you, Master Varney.”
“It’s alright, and you’re welcome. Dehak, are you willing to acquiesce with my thrall’s small request?”
After a few seconds, Dehak nods.
“I suppose. Massachusetts is just one state, there’s forty-nine more to choose from in America alone.”
“So we’re not just choosing from the CONTIGUOUS states? Because we already passed through Alaska, and Hawaii is all the way out in the Pacific Ocean.”
“Make that forty-eight, Alaska was dreadfully boring, we’re not going back there unless it’s to burn the place down.”
“What about Hawaii, then? Warm, sunny beaches and dancing hula girls, sounds great, right?”
The Many peers down at the Rider.
“Wut am a hoo-wah guww?”
Varney shakes his head.
“It doesn’t matter. We can’t go anywhere too sunny, not until I can duplicate the Sun Pearl Dehak wished up for me with the Lamp. Otherwise, anyone I turn won’t last past sunrise.”
He pulls the Sun Pearl out from under his robe for a minute, the little glowing ball on a chain around his neck, his thrall looking at it enviously.
The Rider’s eye sockets fixate on the Sun Pearl too.
“Well, if Ianos could duplicate it, so can YOU.”
Varney gasps.
“Wha-- you never mentioned that Ianos did that!”
“He made a whole PILE of those things, but the ChaotiX confiscated them, I think.”
Then Varney tucks his Sun Pearl away, back under the robe, a proud yet sad smile on his pale face.
“Boy, color me impressed! I guess I taught him well, huh?”
“Master, are you going to teach me magic?”
Varney pats his thrall’s shoulder in a fatherly manner.
“Mmm, not yet, my child. Right now, we need you to appear to be as ordinary as possible. As long as everyone outside the New Order thinks you’re just a relatively ordinary vampire, you’ll be able to serve as our face, and acquire things from Earth for us without drawing attention. And you weren’t a wizard in life, so if anyone who knows you sees you casting spells, they’ll want to know who taught you those spells, especially after your mysterious disappearance!”
“I understand, Master. It would be too easy to connect the dots.”
“And the picture they make would be a big arrow, pointed at us.”
Dehak gives Varney a look.
“Make sure you don’t release that one from thralldom any time soon, Varney. He’s one of that scarred upstart’s friends from that gentlemen’s club. We can’t have him running off to warn the ChaotiX about us. I’ll stake him myself if I have to keep him from snitching.”
“Don’t worry, Dehak, I’m holding him on a tight leash. He hasn’t earned his free will privileges back yet.”
“Mebbeh yu shud git a ack-shu-aw weesh, Vaw-nee.”
“No, that wouldn’t work. I’d have to go to Earth with him, and–”
Dehak interrupts, starting to get annoyed.
“Can we get back to the matter at hand, now? We need to decide where we’ll be establishing our base on Earth, remember? And we’ve already ruled out Alaska, Hawaii, and Massachusetts. All we have to do is rule out another forty-six states, and whichever one is left will be our destination.”
“Wut state du Kaw-keeyah wib in?”
“His city’s in–”
One of the Order’s lower ranks runs into the throne room, clad in the black uniform of the New Order of Darkness, covering his body head to toe and rendering him just another faceless goon.
“Lord Dehak, sir! I’m terribly sorry to interrupt, but Michel just accidentally ran over a couple of the new recruits with that strange house on wheels you brought! We need powerful healing spells, quickly! Er, I m-mean, if you would be so kind, pretty please, my Lord…”
Dehak facepalms, his expression weary.
“And you came straight to me? Do we not have enough healers? I thought we recruited one the other day-- oh.”
“Yeah, he’s… unconscious, my Lord. There’s a lot of blood. Can’t really heal himself like that.”
Dehak pinches the bridge of his rotten nose, exhaling purely out of frustration, his eyes closed and a scowl on his face.
“I told Toutvyn to stick to his mice and leave the camper alone. I’ll be right back, gentlemen.”
Secretly, he’s glad to have another excuse to cast a few spells, but he has a reputation to uphold.
As he gets up, the Rider grins humorlessly at him.
“See? Shit like this happens EVERY time someone tries to say the real name of Korkea’s city, or which state it’s in. You SURE it’s not a curse?”
“I’m sure! Now, minion, lead me to the wastes of flesh I have to save! If I could afford to be picky, I’d just let them die and zombify them, but…”
“Right away, my Lord!”
Dehak follows the minion out, and the others look at the empty throne.
Then the Rider turns to Varney.
“Dare you to sit in it.”
Varney sees Shadow Calvin still standing next to the throne, and remembers that Dehak gave it an order to eviscerate anyone who sits on the throne except him.
“I think I’ll pass, thanks.”