@Aurix came up with the title so blame them for this story.
Soft jazz music can be heard as it softly fades away to make way for the host.
“Hewwo hoomins, dis am Cwimson an wewcome tu Da Enfcast, whewe we du tawkies bout wha new in Fwuffy Fukin. Dis bwite-time Cwimson am duin wistena qwest-shuns, an dis wun fwom… Oh-wex? Ow-wex? How da fuk…? Oh-Wex say ‘Cwimson, yu du wots of fukin, bu can yu gib a Top Ten Wist of fing yu nu fuk yet?’”
Crimson paused to take a drink, making sure to keep the sound of lapping water away from the microphone.
“Weww Oh-Wex, Cwimson du betta dan Top 10, Cwimson du Top Seben-teen. Pwan tu du Top Twen-tee bu Cwimson fuk a WOT of things. An fow anee-wun finkin How Cwimson knyo how count tu Twen-tee? Stop wiv da fukin qwest-shuns.”
17: Hoomins.
“Ee-say start, Cwimson nu fuk a hoomin yet, fink bout it, see pwetty wed-head Cass-ann-dwa wiv da big miwkie-pwaces and fink she be gud. Bu Cwimson onwy hab two ways, ee-da find sweepie hoomin and twy to git cwoths off wich is fukin pain, ow ask Hoomin Fwuffy Fuka, an Cwimson nu wan deaw wiv dem kunts gain.”
“Stiww nu undastan wha Wule 34 is ow wai dewe su many pic-tas of Cwimson.”
16: Shit
“Cwimson nu judge bu nu git da whowe shit-pway fing, Cwimson kink am bities bu dat pwetty nowmal. Heaw bout wun Fwuffy who twicked into fukin poopies, got bitey wowma on his nut-sak, Cwimson wike his nut-sak wowm-fwee fank yu vewy much.”
15: Glass Bottles.
“Cwimson did twy dis wunce, daddeh hab bottew of wed-wine wen mummah Kat-A-Wine stay oba, dey dawe Cwimson tu fuk day bottew. Dik tuu big, nu can git in howe. Pwus da wine make bad stingie huwties.”
14: Paper Bag
“Pwastic? Fuk yeh, Cwimson fuk a pwastic bag. Bu am tuu wowwied bout papa cuts tu fuk papa bag. Yeh, Cwimson am scawed of sumfing, mawk yuw fukin Bingo Cawds.”
13: Books
Wikewise, Cwimson nu wisking papacut on dis dik. Shame coz Cwimson weawwy wan fuk daddeh’s cop-ee of Catcha In Da Wye an stick da wast pages togetha. Pwetenshus fukin book.
12: DVD
“Daddeh Joesep hab Bwu-Way of Da Wast Jed-eye, say it gud moo-vee, wike wha dey du wiv Wuke Skywawka an Wey. Daddeh am dummeh, moo-vee du tuu mush an nu enuff at da same time. Cwimson jus wait tiww daddeh fowget, den Cwimson fukin dat disc tiww nu can pway it nu mowe.”
“Doh Cwimson du say, high-qu-wa-tee Wey du make for pwetty hoomin.”
11: Log Fire
“Sewf-expwanatowee.”
10: Beehive.
“Gain, Cwimson nu dummeh.”
9: Sandcastle
“Cwimson hate sand, it couwse an wough, and it git ebewywhewe. Pwus sandcastew just faww down wen yu twy tu fuk it.
8: Cake
“Cwimson hab sweet-mouthie-pwace, nu wan wuin gud cake. Bu hab fuked a doh-nut ow twu, awways end up su fukin stik-ee afta an it nu jus da doh-nut.”
7: Flowers Bush
“Moshwy coz daddeh Joesep nu wan Cwimson tu fuk up his gawden, fukin wub dat bwood-ee fing, bu Cwimson see point-ee fukas on da wose bush and nu wan wisk his junk on dat.”
6: Micro-Fluffy
“Yu seen Cwimson dik? Can bawewy fuk an enfie-babbeh, micwo-fwuffy expwode on dis munstah.”
“Doh dat du sound fun-ee, Cwimson might twy dat wata.”
5: Sea-Fluffy
“Did twy wunce wen Cwimson gu tu da A-qua-wee-um. Swippewy wittew kunts, Cwimson nu can git gud howd on dem. Nu Cwimson nu awwowed bak.”
“Shame, Cwimson wike da tuwtews.”
4: Skeleton
“Wittew peece of ad-vi-sus. Wen it come tu Fwuffy fukin, dewe shouwd onwy be wun type of bone. Nyo Cwimson nu pick-ee, Cwimson fuk a few dead Fwuffies wen picking wow, bu Cwimson pwefew his Fwuffies fweshwy ded, bone-ee Fwuffies hab nu gib, wike fukin a howwow wock.”
3: Animals
“Cwimson happy fuk udda Fwuffies, bu knyo that Fwuffies awe shit compawed to udda cweatuwes. Cwimson nu wan fuk Fwuffy den find out it bawkie-munstah, dat nu how Cwimson wan gu foweba sweepies.”
2: Enfie-Toys
“Bewieve it ow nu, Cwimson neba fuk an enfie-toy. Wai wouwd he wen dewe pwenty of weaw Fwuffies tu fuk insted? Beside, enfie-toy bewong in da un-can-ee vawwey, wook fukin weiwd wen yu wook at dem tuu wong.”
1: Your Mummah
“Bu she intawested, gib Cwimson hew numba.”
“And dat am ouw wist. Wata on in da show, Cwimson answa mowe wistena qwest-shuns an we dee-cuss ‘Am Poopie enfies da nyu speciaw-pwace?’ Bu fiwst, a wowd fwom ouw sponsa, Raid: Shadow Wegends…”
“Crimson? Are you playing with the microphone again?”
“Shit, untiw neks time wistenas, keep it howny on Da Enfcast.”
Smooth jazz starts playing as the sounds of scampering feet could be heard in the background.
Humor, action, sadness, etc…