“Weawy?! Nice mistah be nyu daddeh fow mummah an’ babbehs? Yay! Wuv nyu daddeh!”
This is Ron, an average guy living an average life. In his late 20’s, working a dead-end job. You know, the usual. What’s more interesting about Ron is what he likes to do in his spare time.
“Mummah an’ babbehs fin’ bestest nyu daddeh! Nyu daddeh wuv mummah an’ babbehs! Nu gif huwties tu babbehs fow bad poopies! Chiwpy babbehs tu widdwe fow gud poopies! Wuv nyu daddeh!” “*PEEP!* *PEEP!* *PEEP!* *PEEP!*” “Babbehs maek su many happeh-peeps! Wuv babbehs su muchies!” “*CHIRP!* *COO*”
You see, Ron “likes” fluffies. No, I don’t mean “likes” that way. Get your mind out of the gutter. He doesn’t have sex with the fluffies, okay? Anyway, Ron likes to find feral fluffies living on the streets of our fair city. He likes to bring them home, and give them the love and comfort they deserve.
“Daddeh? Pwease be cawefuw wit’ babbeh! Babbeh am tu wi- NUUU! Nu du dat tu babbeh’s see-pwaces! Babbeh too widdwe! See-pwaces nu suppose tu open yet! Pwease gif babbeh tu mummah! Babbeh nee’ mummah! Huu Huu Huu Nu! Nu gif huwties tu babbeh’s see-pwaces! NUUUU!!”
NOT! No, what Ron likes to do is bring fluffies home to his dump of an apartment, and play with them the way God intended. By breaking them. Finding new and interesting ways to destroy them. They’re the china shop, and he’s the MOTHER FUCKING BULL! Or something like that.
“Hewwo nice mistah! Fwuffy nee’ nummies! Pwease hew- *SMASH* SCREEEEEE- *SMASH* *SMASH* *SMASH*”
Okay, maybe it’s not actually that interesting. It’s just what he does in his spare time. Everybody has a hobby, right? You sit at home watching Jeopardy, Ron is researching the effect a three-story drop onto solid concrete has on a newborn foal. Yes, researching. Man should be fucking getting paid for this. But he’s not.
“Pwease gif wingie babbeh tu mummah! Babbeh jus’ come ou’ mummah’s tummeh! Babbeh nee’ wickie-cweanies an’ miwkies! Huu Huu Huu! Widdwe babbeh haf wowstest scawdies! Pwease gif babbeh tu mummah! Nuuu! Wingie babbeh tu widdwe tu fwy! Nu fwow babb- SCREEEE! BABBEH!”
Ron’s not a criminal. He’s not breaking any animal cruelty laws. Fluffies are legally classified as soap… or so I’ve heard. They’re certainly not considered animals. Are they animals? Or are they “bio-toys”, whatever that means? Ron doesn’t know. He just enjoys tearing them apart.
“*CHIRP!* Scawy! *PEEP!* *PEEP!* Wan’ mummah! *CHIRP!* *CHIRP!* *CHIRP!* EEEEEEEEE! *CHIRP!* *CHIRP!* Huwties! *PEEP!* *PEEP!* *PEEP!* *PEEP!* Mummah! *CHIRP!*”
Ron is a nice guy. He’ll hang out, have a couple beers. Nice guy Ron. There’s Ron helping his elderly neighbor take out the trash. Oh hey, there’s Ron swerving to hit a fluffy in the road. That’s Ron for you. Oh hey Ron, what’s the chainsaw for? A fluffy mare needs an emergency c-section? Poor thing, I hope she pulls through. Well bye Ron.
“Nu wike woud noisies! Bad fow tummeh-babbehs! Soon-mummah an’ tummeh-babbehs haf wowstest scawe- SCREEEEEE”
Ron is just like you or me. We’re all red-blooded Americans here, right? Canadians? Russians? It’s all the same anyway. Ron would give you the shirt off his back. I can’t rule out the possibility that same shirt was used to strangle more than one fluffy. But that’s okay, he washed it. Probably.
“NU! Huu Huu Huu! Pwease wet spechuw fwend maek bweevies! Fwuffy wuv spechuw fwend! Huu Huu Huu! Nu wan spechuw fwend gu fowevew sweepies! Huu Huu Huu Huu! Fwuffy gif spechuw fwend bestest huggies! Pwease maek breevies spechuw fwend! Huu Huu!”
Ron isn’t on some noble crusade. He isn’t some edgy tryhard. You won’t find him at Hot Topic in a trench coat and fedora. You won’t be reading his manifesto on why fluffies deserve nothing but endless pain. He didn’t have a traumatic childhood. This is just what he does for fun. But if you asked him, I’m sure he’d be happy to recount his latest misadventures with fluffy-kind.
“He carefully lines up for the shot, adjusts his angle and… FORE!” “EEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Garden Foal™ Backyard Mini Golf, New From Harker Brothers!”