(Note: Max0r got me into Metal Gear Rising so now I have to make an American Dream shitpost parody of the final battle. None of this is canon, the Hulk that actually appears will probably be way different. And if anyone wants to draw Dream dressed as Raiden I’ll include your OC in a future American Dream/spinoff part.)
“Poopie babbeh?” You ran to him.
After a long and hard fight against a herd that had seemingly come from nowhere, you were greeted to the sight of your poopie babbeh laying on the ground. As if he had been beaten to near death. You looked around.
“Wewe awe dey?”
The ground broke and collapsed under you. Just barely missing the fall into the widening hole, you watched as a giant crab emerged from where you’d been standing.
On top of it was a green rider with a black mane holding its reigns.
“Weww if it nu saucie Dweam?” Hulk looked down at his bare wrist. “Just a wittle too wate… as usuaw.”
“Hulk!?” You yelled. “Impwessive wittle toy ‘uo got dewe! But ‘ou pwan end hewe!”
Hulk laughed. “Dummeh. ‘Ou nu am ending Huwk’s pwan, ‘ou am expanding pwan. Check da nu see web watewy?”
You heard a voice behind you, it was tuffy. “Dweam! Smawty am tuwning back! Da howe hewd am up an angwy!”
“But smawty was sabed!” You told him.
“Buh fwuffy owie juice was spiwwed.” Hulk said.
“By fwuffies!” You yelled back. “An a few tuffies is twagic, buh noting tuh stawt big sowwie hoofies fite obah!”
“Dah am just dah bwite fwash babbeh, dah weason we been waiting fow! Fwuffies wan dis hoofie fite fow many bwite time! Dah hoomins knowing dat fite was gud fo nummies and toysies!”
“Dah memes…” you said.
“Give fwuffy’s sewf up to dah howe. Nu am hab to better fwuffy’s sewf. ‘Ou am fwuffy! ‘Ou am numbah one! Den dah onwy vawue weft is nummie vawue! So Huwk wiww do watebah it take to keep wunning awong! Eben sowwy hoofies!”
“Buwwpoopies!”
“Dah hoomins pwanted dah seed. We nu need dem awound to fiwter an fostah der memes any wonger. We am spweading dem ouwsewves! Ebewy fwuffy, mawe, an babbeh!”
You raised the rusty nail awkwardly taped to your hoof. “So gwease dah geaws wit som owie juicies?”
“Wewax Dweam. It am waw on bad fwuffies. We nu am hewe tu kiww gud fwuffies. Bad smawties, bad poopie makehs, fwuffies hoo enf babbehs. Ob cowse dat wouwd incwude ‘Ou. Nu cab hab fwuffies wit see pwaces compwicating message!” With that Hulk whipped his crab and turned it towards you, giving a loud roar.
It was a long fight, running around and under it as it tried to stab at you with its claws.
“Feew dah wath ob Huwk!”
When you could, you poked at it with your nail, sometimes slicing at its shell.
“Impwessibe Dweam, most impwessibe.”
When it swung its claws under you, you jumped and dodged.
“Cwush ‘Ou wike a poopie buggie!”
Finally, you jumped up and sliced hard as you can at the crab’s leg, cutting it off. You repeated the process on another one. You went to a third, and with all the strength you had, you lifted and flipped the entire crab on its head.
“Bout time dis end. An’ ‘ou going foweba sweepies wit a boom!”
You ripped off the crab’s claw, and used it to fight the other one when it came for you. When the crab finally collapsed from exhaustion, you took your chance, and sliced into it until it there was no chance it would get back up.
You walked onto it’s shell, dusting yourself off.
“Swippewy wittle dummeh.” Hulk said, rising from where he’d sat. “Huwk nu hab time fo dis.” Hulk stomped on the ground, and began ripping off pieces of the crab’s shell, sticking them to himself.
“O ‘ou hab to be kidding Dweam.” You said.
When the dust at last settled, Hulk stepped forward. “Wets gu.”
“Da fwuff am ‘Ou finking?”
Hulk charged towards you, ramming into you and knocking you back. “Pwayed baww bacc at homie, ‘ou kno’.”
“Wit mummah Janice an daddeh!” You answered.
Hulk’s response was a headbutt and a sorry hoof. You dodged more of his attacks, arguing about who had it worse, until he tossed you in the air.
When you came back down he yelled out “Nu fwuff wit dis Smawty!” Kicking you away.
“Wat da fwuff am ‘ou?” You said, getting back up.
Hulk laughed. “Wy nu sticc wound an fin out?”
Again, you fought him. Trading slices and blows over and over. Until he grabbed your nail between his hooves.
“Wa-“
“Nice sticc.” He snapped your weapon in half.
You flipped away, but he caught up to you. Punching you so hard you were rammed face-first into the ground. Getting up angrier than ever, you caught another of Hulk’s blows.
“Typicaw smawty… big wowds buh aww wind.”
“Wat?”
“Mo miwkies an mowe nummies an mowe toysies? Am a woad ob poopies! Aww ‘ou cawe about am nummies fo ‘ou! Dat an’ enfies!”
With all the strength you had, you punched him down. “Ib fwuffies am gon tu poopies. Ou am just anoda buggie in dah piwe.”
Hulk rose. “Aww wite, da twuf den. ‘Ou am wite about one ting. Huwk du need nummies. An enfies. Wan kno wy? Huwk hab a dweam.”
“Wat?” you asked.
“Dat one bwite time, ebewy fwuffy in da wowd wiww contwow der own paff! A wand ob dah twuwy fwee! A wand ob hoofies nu wowds! A wand ob stwength nu hewds!”
Hulk beat you down, grabbing you by the neck.
“Wewe dah wuwes chang tu suit dah fwuffy! Nu dah odah way wound!” He bashed his head against yours. “Wewe ebewy fwuffy am fwee tu tink fo demself!” Overwhelmed by his strength, you collapsed, staggering backwards.
Hulk unleashed his biggest volley of sorry hoofies yet. “Fwuff aww deez wimp-no no stick tuffies an feadah-munstah poopie smawties! Fwuff dis all bwite time spew ob tawking an pwetty mawe buwwpoopies!” He slammed you to the ground, pulling you back up for another set of punches.
“Fwuff fwuffy pwide!” He yelled. “Fwuff dah fwuffTV! Fwuff aww ob it!”
He stomped on you with his hoof. “Fwom dah buwnies nyu fwuffies wiww be bown. Dah week wiww be giben foweba sweepies, an dah stwongest wiww fwive… fwee tu wib as dey see fit. Dey wiww mak fwuffies gweat ‘gain!”
As you lay broken on the ground, you were only able to mutter. “Wat… da fwuff am ou tawking bout?”
“In Huwk’s nyu wowd, fwuffies wiww get and gib foweba sweepies fo wat dey bewibe! Nu fo nummies! Nu fo miwkies! Nu fo wat hoomins say am wite. Ebewy fwuffy wiww be fwee tu fite der own sowwy hoofies!” After another pounding to the floor, Hulk stepped away.
After a moment of silence, he spoke, “’Ou souwd twy fiting fo wat ‘ou bewibe in som time Dweam. Nu fo a hewd ow a speshaw fwiend, ow fo anyone ewse.”
With great pain, you began to pull yourself up. “Maybe… Dweam was wong bout ‘ou.”
“Am Huwk finawy getting frough?” He stepped to you, helping you up and dusting you off. “Huwk wiww wid dis wow dob pointwess sowwy hoofies, Dweam.” He stretched out his arms for a hug.
“Dweam was wong, ‘ou nu am gweedy…” You embraced each other at long last.
“…’ou am fwying-munstah-poopie cwazy!” With that you grabbed Hulk by the arm, flipping him over and away. Looking around, Hulk punched the ground and got up.
“Huwk am making dah mummah ob aww sketties hewe, Dweam. Nu can fwet obah ebery eggie!”
“Nu when ‘ou gibing dah week foweba sweepies wite?”
You leaped at him. Landing your hardest punch directly on Hulk’s chest. Hulk didn’t even flinch. Over and over again you punched at him, faster and faster. He only stood there taking it.
When finally you were too tired to continue, Hulk smiled. Leaping on you and unleashing another barrage of punches.
“Gu foweba sweepies! Gu foweba sweepies! Gu foweba sweepies ‘ou piwe ob poopies!”
“Dweam!”
Hulk looked up to the source of the noise. There, on top of a rock, your poopie babbeh stood. In his mouth was a dirty steak knife. On it was engraved the name “Lollipop”.
“Eben faw way Huwk’s bwuddah is owie in no-no pwace. So ‘ou tink dat bwade can sabe ‘ou daddeh? Gu head den. Buh make nu mistake poopie, wen Huwk am don wit Dweam, ou am next.”
“Poopie am bown in bwood, nu feaw foweba sweepies. Buh wan keep daddeh awibe, tug u foweba sweepies wowd nu be gud. Poopie am nao fwee tu do wah poopie wan.”
“Ou wittle poopie!” Hulk jumped at him as Poopie threw the knife. It sailed past Hulk as he landed on the rock.
“Dummeh poopie!” Hulk yelled as he kicked poopie away.
“HUWK!” You yelled. “Dweam say Dweam’s bwade am toow ob ju’tise. Nu use fo angew ow bengense. But nao am nu so suwe. An dis nu Dweam’s bwade!”
Hulk hopped down from the rock. “Com on!”
“Okay… wets du dancies…”
Que music
The long and brutal fight that followed can only be described as one that would put Michael Bay to shame. You and Hulk furiously fought for what felt like forever. Hulk throwing his punches and you swinging your blade with your mouth.
Each of you landed blow after blow. At one point Hulk even turned around and sprayed you with the messiest sorry poopies he could. Using your expert instincts, you deflected it with your blade.
When at last you’d sliced Hulk’s chest enough, you shoved your hoof through his ribs and around his heart.
Hulk coughed up a lump of blood. “Weww done, Dweam…”
You squeezed at it. “’Ou wowd gu foweba sweepies wit ‘ou.”
“Maybe nu…” He pulled you in closer. “’Ou hab made suwe dah nowmal way wiww gu on. Fo’ wiwe wonger… sowwy hoofies wiww continue… fwuffies wiww fite fo weasons dey nu undastan, causes dey nu bewibe in…”
He vomited another chunk of blood.
“…Buh at weast… Huwk wiww weave worfy successow… ‘Ou, Dweam. Ou carb ‘our own paff, wit watebah ‘ou see fit… ‘Ou nu wet wuwes get in way. An if it cost som fwuffies su be it…”
In one motion you ripped out Hulk’s heart, crushing it between your hooves. Letting him fall to the ground, he looked to you, muttering his last words.
“Deep undah fwuff we bwuddah spiwits… ‘ou… an Huwk…”