Note: this is my earliest story so its not shall we say “up to modern standards” but hey we all start somewhere right?
Enjoy
-Gardel
My name is Jose, and I work for the Foal-in-a-Can company
The original, the one that started the fad, not the shitty imitators using chinese knockoff fluffies in eggs full of that gel shit and are all retarded when you take them out
My company sells quality
Well, as much quality as $2.50 can get
We sell the meh foals, not shitty runts that are sold by weight as snake food but the ones that would most likely sell for $.50, if they make it out of the clearance bin before they become “kibble components”
You wont find a pure white or black foal in these machines
You will never ever find an alicorn, not even a shit brown one, because even those go for $50-100 depending of how “poopy” it is
But you can find a decent foal without defects in popular colors like pink, blue, purple, etc
Some shit-tier breeders tired of only finding turd-brown and puke-green ferals use these machines to get better stock
But you can’t ask for much and if you plan to become a breeder you could pay a little more, but then again most breeders are amateur retards
So where was I? oh yeah, my story
When people hear I work for this company their reactions are mixed
So I tell them I work at some dumb office position, not with the fluffies themselves
Pretty much anyone who handles fluffies is suspected to be an abuser
Mostly because nobody can stand the fucking things and quits…unless they like to do something else to them
I’m kind of in a grey area in that regard
I don’t work in the offices
I don’t work in “breeding & processing”
I don’t work in maintenance of the vending machines
I’m the “cleanup guy”
At the beginning foal-in-a-can retrieved all unsold foals from the vending machines during restocking
They were sent back to B&P to be reprocessed
Cans would be emptied of the foal, washed, the formula refilled and then sent back to be filled with a fresh newborn foal
At this stage most foals were dead
When they stay until restock day most have died of sepsis when their guts exploded from all the backed up shit
What, didn’t you know? we glue the little fuckers’ anuses shut so they wont shit up the can
Nobody would buy them otherwise, not if the can is all brown
Besides the foal would die even faster if it had to live surrounded by its own poop
When you buy them you take the glue out, is like a tampon
But you better do it next to a trashcan or a toilet
Back to the factory, when we bring the cans back the few foals who are still alive are inspected
A few, VERY few get selected for breeding
The rest are thrown straight into the grinder with the dead ones
We don’t even bother to “empty” them of all the backed up shit, the meat slush gets pasteurized so even if it has shit and fluff on it its safe for other fluffies to eat
We do the same with the formula, which is a mix of milkbags and nutrients from the slush, and a shitton of antibiotics and preservatives
You would think these few selected foals who get spared are happy as fuck right?
Maybe at the beginning, but the reality is that they “pillowed” right there
No waiting, no letting them play for once
And both females AND males
We find its much easier, faster and thus cost-effective to get the sperm off the stallions and then artificially inseminate the mares
Both stallions mares are stationed with a feeding tube, a poop tube and catheters
The only difference is that mares have a slide right next to their vaginas to retrieve the foals as they are born
You probably seen this on shows like “How its made” so I’m not going to go through the whole process
Again, this was old in the PAST
Now shit has changed
Foal-in-a-can needs to be more profitable
So they start cutting unnecessary expenses
One thing they did is copy other vending machines
For example those other companies don’t retrieve any expired product
Shipping is too expensive, so they just throw it in the nearest trash bin
It saves them millions in logistics
So the bean counters at my company copied that
And that’s where I come in
My name is Jose, and I’m the cleanup guy
I’m the guy who goes before the restocking guys and gets rid of the spoiled merch
Which means I do a lot of “cleaning”
Today I get to clean Unit-45/R
Art by ZK
Is right outside a strip mall, where a payphone used to be decades ago when people didn’t have cellphones
When I approach it suddenly I see it
“Well fuck!”
“These stupid faggots again…”
The machine is almost full
Of 80 slot only 5 are empty
And I know why
The cash and coin slots got tape and glue
The NFC pad and card readers are busted
The window is plastered with shitty papers against animal cruelty
“Fucking hugbox cocksuckers!”
Only thing they managed to do is keep these foals in their little canned hells
Keep them from being adopted
From being free
You would think these trustfund pampered-ass oxygen thieves fucks could spare $200 or so to buy all foals in the machines and freed them
But no, they wont, I asked them once and they did their best to avoid the question
One then walked into an apple store and bought an iphone 30
Can’t waste the money on stupid shit like saving animals! gotta have that new phone to compensate for the fact they are dull fuckers with nothing to say
Whatever, you take the papers out
Call central to tell them they should send a technician with the restock crew to fix this shit
You insert the master key to open the machine
Immediately you are assaulted by a plethora of foal voices
“BE NYU DADDEH!”
“MISTAH TAKE TO HOUSIE NAO?”
“WEA MUMMAH? MISS MUMMAH!”
“FWUFFY HUNGEH, NO MO MIWKIES! NEED MO!”
“HUHUUUUU PWEASE TAKE FWUFFY OUT!”
Always the same shit
Never a “hewo”
Guess these shits are in too much pain to be friendly
Or learn new words
Then again a nerd in breeding told you they can’t learn new words or concepts
Is hasbio’s genetic programming, that’s all, they aren’t really sapient, they are sentient but that’s it
And even dogs can learn new tricks
But not fluffies
Being artificial beings they are in an evolutionary dead-end
The only reason why ferals are everywhere these days is because it only takes them 4 weeks to be born
And once they are born they are fertile in another 4 weeks
You can have over 14 fluffy generations in ONE YEAR
So even if these things are designed to be broken by all
They are also designed to outbreed anything else
For every fluffy a dog hunts
a cat eats
or a human beats to death with a dildo
For every dead fluffy another 3 are born
They are not going extinct, which is good news for exterminators
Back to the foals in cans
I see a red pegasus filly who died from sepsis
She looks like a super-pregnant mare
Except she’s still a foal
And not alive
Her face is frozen in shock
Her fluff was already getting dull before it expired
Most likely due to all the putrid shit destroying her from the inside out
But the glue tampon held on, kudos to the R&D guys for that
The can will be easier to recycle
As for the fluffy, I just take the can
Pop the lid
And throw her and the piss-soaked fluff pad into the trash
No time for goodbyes
Still got another 74 cans to go
And so the process begins
I always start with the dead ones
Is much easier
Pop the lid
Drop them in the trash
Put the can on a bag for re-use
Sometimes I find a dead fluffy that somehow managed to get the glue tampon out
We don’t know how they do it
I suggested we put cameras so we can see what happens
But boss says it would be too expensive
Some dipshit suggested I get one of the tampons back for analysis
Fuck if I’m gonna fish that tiny thing from a can full of liquid foal shit
Today is a blue unicorn colt
Well used to be blue
Now is a dull shit brown
The only blue left is a small spot on his back
It was floating face down
Drowned in his own shit
This is bad…
…now cleaning the can is too expensive so all gets thrown out
What? you expected some hugbox crap?
Be sad for this little fuck being too dumb to keep his own shit in his ass?
Funny thing is now it will stay in the can forever
I don’t even bother to take out the lid
Why for? the can is useless
And I don’t want any shit on my hands
Down to 73
Almost done with the dead ones
Same old shit, mostly bloated ones
5 fillies, 8 colts
4 were pegasus, 3 unicorns and the rest regular earthies
One light purple filly with a white mane was barely breathing, like a fish out of the water
Couldn’t say a word, didn’t even move her eyes
Then it stopped
Dead
Into the trash it goes
Can in the bag
Found other 2 that got the tampon off
One yellow earthie filly, one pink unicorn filly
Both dead, yellow one obviously drowned
Pink one I’m not sure since it looks it died before that
Probably a “wan die” cycle, it actually dies and the build up of gas pops the cork out
And the shit flows out
It happens
Both into the trash, wont even bother
Now here is a rare one!
A starved to dead foal
Is a navy blue pegasus colt
Literally skin and bones
Looks like a tiny miniature of those dead horses in the middle of the desert
Fluff stopped growing, probably due to lack of nutrients
The cause is obvious
Faulty rubber nipple
The formula pocket on the side is full
Literally the only formula left in the whole machine
Little fluffy didn’t get a drop after it got canned
Most likely was the first to die
However its eyes are open
“It lasted that long? damn!”
Faulty nipples were a common problem at first but now not so much
Not after they changed suppliers
But still, it happens
I don’t usually care much about these shitrats
But I feel a little bad for the ones that die like this
Is a horrible way to go, even for vermin
“Huuuhu wingie bruddah!”
The live foal in the can behind the starved one is talking
“Sissy missuh wingie bruddah! wan pway and hugies”
Is a hot pink earthie mare
Bloated but still alive
Art by derp_face
Out of formula, wont last long
“Whewe takin bruddah?”
“Mistuh take fwuffy tu?”
“Gib nummies and hugies?”
I don’t reply
Bad idea
These foals are desperate for attention
If I give them any they will never shut up
Is not that they are silent now, no sir
But if I respond then the pleading and the crying will get worse
And it never stops
And now we arrive to the messy part
Dealing with the live fluffies
Remember when I said the company didn’t take them back?
I wasn’t lying, they wont
The cost of shipping them back was higher than getting new breeding-age fluffies
Besides that way they also avoided genetic stock depletion
Let alone retarded fluffies because a mare got inseminated by its own dad
So I start with the hot pink earthie mare
I take the can out
I can already see her face changing
Is happy
Happier than its ever been
She starts doing that stupid “dancie babbeh” routine
Now the other foals think I’m taking her home
And so the whinning starts
“PWEASE MISTAH TAKE FWUFFY!”
Is a chorus
all the same
Same promises about being a good fluffy
About giving hugs and playing
One fluffy mentions “sketti”
“SKETTI! MISTAH HAB SKETTI FOR FWUFFY?”
“SKETTI! FWUFF WAN SKETTI!”
“SKETTI? WHEA?”
Fucking hasbio and their fucking programming
These shits have never even seen a picture of sketti
Never had any sold food
Have no idea what it is, could literally give them anything and tell them is sketti
Then I hear it…
“DUMMEH HOOMIN TAKE SMARTIE OUT!”
“GIB SKETTIES NAO!”
ohyiss.jpg
Thank you god
A fucking smarty foal
A piss yellow unicorn with a shitty green mane
Fucking classic
He is bloated, but not too bad
Can still walk around and bang his hoofsies on the plastic of the can
I slowly put the can with the hot pink earthie mare on the ground
Let the games begin
Not all machines have smarties
You would think they do but they don’t
The lack of interaction between foals prevents them from appearing
They might be smarties
But they don’t know it yet
Of course as always there are exceptions
Statistics are never 100% right
And here is the proof of it
I take the can with the smarty
And I sake it violently
“SCREEEEEE! STAHP DUMMEH!”
I laugh, smartys are so fucking predictable
It starts the same old tirade…
“DIS SMARTIE’S WAND!”
Dumb fucker thinks it owns the vending machine
I drop the can
It crashes with a loud bang
The smarty shits itself…well he would if its anus wasn’t full of glue
I can see the muscle motion of a shit spray that all fluffies do, just nothing comes out
It must be incredibly painful
Fuck, I know it is because I can see the expression in the smarty’s face
“Huuhu why dummen hoomin huwt gud smartie fwend?”
Well shit, normally it takes them more time to start pleading
This smarty is one weak ass pansy
I put my foot over the can
Right where the smarty is, so he can see my boot approaching
“NUUU! NU KILL FWUFFY!”
Little turd is not even calling himself a smarty anymore
What a coward…
Can’t deal with this shitstain here
Last thing I need is all the fluffies here to start screaming
It would get too much attention
Last thing I need is some faggot taping the process and uploading it to youtube
That would really rile up the peta cunts
Even though they kill way more fluffies than I do
And I do it in a more humane way since they bore them to death with movies about how they are abominations that deserve to die
Like a fluffy would understand it and kill itself, retarded eco nuts…
Besides I seen some of these animal fuckers abusing fluffies
Bitches be sick, making up excuses when caught, so much bullshit…
So I take both cans down the alley
Is the same way I came, so I know it is there
The foal-4-sketti kiosk
This is one of the new models
It doesn’t actually gives sketti
Just grinds the foal into a sketti-like pile of meat
…and laced with quick-action painless poison
First models just put a sterilizing agent to leave mares barren and stallions impotent
But like hasbio’s original chemical sterilizing it too failed
Some fluffies became fertile again
So now it just kills them
Some cheap-ass fluffy owners who used these machines to save money in neutering fees found out too late
Most didn’t care, they wanted to get rid of their fluffies anyway
Those that were pissed got a new fluffy free of charge, as if there weren’t enough free ones out there
And here I am in front of the kiosk
It was designed to be used by fluffies so it’s at ground level
I take the smarty’s can and open the lid
“NAO GIB SKETTIS DUMMEH!”
“Oh you are getting your sketti you little shit…”
I turn the can and let the smarty slide into the slot
“WAH DUMMEH DOIN? TAKE SMARTIE TO SKETTIS!”
“Oh you are getting them…”
The slot is at an angle so fluffies can’t see what happens to their foals
But a human can
And I do
I see the smarty fall right into an open meat grinder
I see its bratty face as it realizes what’s happening
And I hear it…
“NUU! METAL MUNSTAH! WET SMARTIE GO! HUUHUUU!”
Too late
Its stubby back legs are already being torn to pieces
“SCREEEEEEEEEEE! CHIIIIIIIIRP CHIRP!”
I can hear the noise of the bones cracking
And a satisfying ‘pop’ when the intestines full of shit finally explode under the pressure of the metal teeth
Its eyes and mouth are still moving before its all crushed to bits
“Whewe smartie go?” ask the earthie mare
She didn’t see anything and fortunately the can is a bit soundproof too so it didn’t hear the smarty either
“Don’t worry, I got a surprise for you”
“Wewy? fwuffy luv suprisehs!”
“How about some sketti!”
“YAAAY! SKETTI! FWUFFY LUV SKETTI!”
Wow what a screamer, we are not even close to the vending machine but I can tell the news reached the rest of the foals there
Well at least it gives them something to be happy about
I heard a ‘ding’ sound coming from the kiosk
It means its done grinding up the smarty and putting the poison on it
I hear a “plop!” sound a bunch of “sketti” gets thrown into the ground by the kiosk
I take the lid off the hot pink mare’s can and let her land on the palm of my hand
“Finawy!”
Is it getting bratty now?
“Fawk u mistah fo wettin fwuffy out”
Guess not…
I hold her at eye level
“So you want some sketti”
“Huuuhu, fwuffy so hungy…”
“But hav wowest tummeh huwties!”
Oh right, forgot how bloated she is
“Mistah hewp fwuffy make gud poopies?”
Sigh, is not the first time, I remember when I started at this job I did it a couple times
Out of pity
Give these things some relief, for once in their short lives
I get her at arms lenght
Way away from my pants and boots
Hold her in my fist
Get some tweezers from my toolbelt
Fumble around her back until I get a good grip on the plastic cork in her anus
“Ok ready fluffy?”
“Fo wut mistah?”
“For this!”
I yank the cork out while applying pressure to her guts with my thumb
“EEEEEEEEE!”
A torrent of putrid rancid shit goes out of the little foal like a cheap water balloon
I gag at the smell, its really horrible
“WHY MISTAH DO DIS TO FWUFFY?”
Well shit, now I remember why I stopped doing these things a favor
Ungrateful bastards…
“Huuuhuu poopie pwace has huwties!”
“Well now you can eat the sketties!”
“YAAAAAY! FANK YOU MISTAH!”
She completely forgot about what happened, typical
Even chickens have better memory than fluffies
I gently lower her to the place in the ground where the “sketties” landed
“Mistah be nyu daddeh nao? take fwuffy to housie with bwockies and pway?”
Of course she was going to ask for this
Might as well say yes, is not like is gonna happen
“Yes fwuffy, but first eat the sketti”
“Whea daddeh goin?”
“Be right back! but eat the sketti and wait right there!”
“Otay! wub daddeh!”
Meh, she will be dead soon, that poison will get her to sleep in under a minute
Its already strong enough to take out several adult fluffies at once
Safe for humans, dogs and cats though, better safe than sorry!
Back at the vending machine
Go back to inspecting the cans
The rest of the fluffies don’t even ask about the smarty, they just ask about the sketti and keep the “nyu daddy” going
Some more desperate ones just want to be let out…
Weird
There’s some blood on the wall of this can
But the foal inside is still walking around
I look around it
The foal is a light green pegasus mare with a grey mane
It turns around to face me
“Plbbt?”
The eyes…
“Yep, derped”
Is easy to see what happened
It got crazy and tried to get out
It happens, last time I got three on another machine
Difference is those foals were stronger
So they were dead
They broke their own skulls
This one wasn’t strong enough
Or the pain made it give out too early
Now is just derped
A retard
And a very starved one since apparently it was too dumb to keep drinking the formula
It had a little left, guess I missed on that earlier when I checked the starved dead fluffy
Anyway, no shit, can is clean
On with the show
I move to the side to be closer to the dumpster and away from the other fluffies so they can’t see
Take the lid out
However this is a live fluffy, can’t throw it right away, goes against the ethics code
As if anyone care…
So I let it slide into my hand
“Yiiiiiiii”
Fucking derped fluffies and their noises
So I grab the head, get ready to break its neck
Apply a little pressure and…
“POP!”
Oh shit
Oh fuck!
The head fucking exploded in my hand!
The skull got weakened from all the banging in the wall of the can
Now my right hand is full of fluffy foal brains, teeth, bone pieces and eyes
“Huh, the eyes are still derped…”
Disgusting, I throw the body and shake the pieces of brain off my hand, then wipe it with a tissue
And now to the next can…
Open can
Move to the side
Tilt can into hand
“Yay fank you mistah!”
Twist the neck
Dump the foal
Throw can into bag
Repeat
Open can
Move to the side
Tilt can into hand
“Wub nyu daddeh!”
Twist the neck
Dump the foal
Throw can into bag
Repeat
Open can
Move to the side
Tilt can into hand
“Wan pway!”
Twist the neck
Dump the foal
Throw can into bag
Repeat
Open can
Move to the side
Tilt can into hand
“Wan nummies!”
Twist the neck
Dump the foal
Throw can into bag
Repeat
Open can
Move to the side
Tilt can into hand
Then a burnt orange earthie filly looks up to me
“Pwease mistah can you wet fwuffy gu?”
Huh, asking me to let it go instead of being its daddy, give it toys or sketti
As if I hadn’t thought about that long ago
I knew a girl who did it
She was on Cleanup Team-Beta, we talked about what if we set the foals free
Give them a chance
She beat me to it
And thank god she did, because of what happened
She went to a machine just like this one
I saw the security footage from a camera in the 7/11 next door
Opened the door of the machine with her master key
Threw all the dead fluffies in the trash, can and everything
Then took all the live ones, opened the lids as fast as she could
Uncorked each foal over the trash can
She did all this over 60 times, placing the fluffy foals gently on the ground
The sound from the security cam was bad but I could tell what she was telling each and every single fluffy
“You are free now! go! run!”
But they didn’t
Every single one of the 60+ fluffies stood there looking at her
Saying “fank u” “nyu mummeh!” “pway?” “nummies?”
Hugging her legs
Doing the dancie babbeh crap
Running around each other, playing tag
Every pathethic attempt to grab the attention from their new “mummah”
She tried to move them away with her hands but the fluffies would hug her fingers and try to climb her arms instead
She got desperate, grabbed a few
Started offering them to people walking by
“Free fluffy foals! hey kids do you want a fluffy?! please take one!”
Big mistake, she only got unwanted attention
Which is really bad when you’re doing something highly illegal
This of course was after they passed the Feral Extermination Act
Shit got real after that, you couldn’t free fluffies anymore
Then she approached a little girl and offered her 3 foals in her hand
The mom slapped her fingers away from the little girl’s face, sending the foals flying before they could even say “pway”
Funny, not 5 years ago when fluffies were first launched by hasbio each of those foals was worth $10,000
5 years ago my coworker would’ve been giving that little girl the equivalent of $30k
And the mother just slap them away like trash, because that’s what foals were now
Trash
They all landed on the street, none moved, the fall clearly broke their bodies
Nobody gave a fuck, it was all vermin after all
Some teenage kids started stomping the foals while their friends live streamed it
The video is still around, is “foals_be_so_cash.mkv”, they added a terrible vaporstep song to it
Then the cops arrived, somebody reported her
They arrested my coworker
Animal Control got there with them
Sprayed Fluffycide foal-b-gone foam over the foals, most of them still around the machine
They all started convulsing, pooping and puking blood, crying out loud and screaming until they died
The neck twist I give them is a walk in the park compared to that
An act of kindness
Due to the extermination act my coworker got 20 years for “illegal release of GMO vermin into an urban environment”
Add to that the inflated bill for damages Foal-in-a-can gave her, she had to sell everything and is still in debt
All for nothing, the fluffies died horribly
And she’s gonna be an old lady when she gets out
I take the foal that asked me for clemency
I see my coworker in a prison jump suit
Then I slowly crush the foal in my hand
“All you fuckers do is shit things up”
Yeah I’m pissed
Fuck you
Jose dumps the crushed orange foal into the bin, then takes a wet wipe and opens it, cleaning his hand off the guts, blood and shit
“What a waste…of a wet wipe”
“I should get my mind off this shit”
“I don’t get paid enough to afford a shrink”
“And I’m sure gonna need one after this job”
What could I say?
This job really sucks
But so does the entire job market
And it beats being unemployed
Problem is I don’t like being a walking fluffy death camp
“Still better than working at the fluffy mills” I said to myself
While I keep breaking foal necks I look at the broken display of the machine
It’s a 7 inch OLED display that shows little ads for the foals
When people get near it a motion detector tells the display to show the current price
Most people don’t know this but the Foal-in-a-Can machines have a variable price system
Every since the units went all online to support phone payments and NFC things have been connected to the company servers 24/7
It also stopped a lot of vandalism, first Foal-in-a-Can units were old repurposed candybar vending machines bought dirt cheap
Besides all the problems the biggest one were assholes tipping the thing over
Most of the foals would die upon impact, the rest slowly freezing to death because the broken machine would no longer provide heat
Some even died from the shock of suddenly being in complete darkness since the internal light went out too, and the window was against the floor
In short the machine now has a tipping alarm that goes off and alerts central
Still hasn’t got a camera because “too expensive” which is why those vegan fags just fucked up the money slots and sensors so people couldn’t buy the foals
Back then they would put a rubber hose through the slot to gas the foals alive
What the fuck is wrong with these sick bastards? one of their shoes is more expensive than all the foals in the machine combined, can’t they spare a few bucks instead of killing them?
Then they go and brag about caring for fluffies, fucking cunts…
Anyway, back to the price part
When a machine gets a fresh batch of brand-new foals with the eyes still closed the price is at its highest
$5 a foal
You might think its too high but again these are not the best foals out there, a shelter would sell them for $0.25 each
Still much better than the ones you get for free, let alone feral foals already full of tapeworms
Point is its expensive because the foal is still intact
Its eyes are closed so its less traumatized because it hasn’t realized its living in a plastic tube
Is also when foals are in their cutest stage, lots of people prefer foals before they open their eyes
Before they start talking
Before…they get annoying…
Nothing scares away a customer like a bunch of cans full with fluffies screaming “DUMMEH HOOMIN”
That was a rare batch, practically all smarties
Central got it called back immediately I heard
Also heard the head of distribution went fucking medieval at those foals instead of grinding them as usual
Lets just say becoming pet food would have been a better ending for those smarties…it was that bad
Anyway, so as time passes the price automatically goes down
This is to move as much inventory as possible
Even at $0.50 a foal is still profitable since again this is cheap stock
Foals are practically vermin these days
Worthless, and sending me to clean them up is more expensive
So eventually word got out through the forums that if you waited you could get 10 still-alive-just-barely foals for the price of 1 fresh out of the factory Foal-in-a-Can
Of course at this stage most fluffies were always already kinda grown
Eyes opened, talking
…and a bit fucked up from living their entire lives in a plastic transparent can
Even at those prices most people just keep walking and wait for the fresh batch instead
So who goes looking for cheap bargain bin fluffies in just okay non-shit colors?
Specially ones that are already walking, seeing and talking?
Ones that can beg for their lives?
Yeah you guessed it
Abusers
Central knows it, they don’t give a fuck
Abusers’ money is still money, and they need to keep the lights on
Gov’ basically endorses abuse these days since they are already wasting billions culling feral herds tearing through forests and crop fields
Is what happens when the novelty wears off
And when people realize corn is 20 times more than it used to because some GMO rat-pig-goat-WTFBBQ chimera plague is eating away their food supplies they don’t give two shits when some weirdo is clubbing said chimeras with a pipe in the middle of the street
“I don’t like it but its a necessary evil” they say
As long as nobody fucks with their pet fluffies most hugboxers don’t give a damn either
Most of them hate ferals too because they attack or steal away domestic fluffies
Two months ago I had to clean a machine out in the projects
Nasty part of town, but then again one of our core markets
People here want a fluffy
But they can’t afford one from a fancy fluffy store
And there aren’t any shelters nearby
So no competition
We make a killing here
Well, most of the time
And this time wasn’t one of those times
Batch got too late
Too far away from the last payday
So people had less spare cash for buying junk like novelty cans with tiny bloated shitrats inside
And so this particular unit had a lot of foals at the end of their shelf life
Well, had…
When I got to it there were only 14 foals left
All dead
Mostly bloaters
Some ruptured ones with their guts out
Others drowned in shit, ones that got decorked
“Well shit, guess business is going well” I thought
Then I used my company phone with the management app to check the stats of the machine
“Yeah…no”
Sales numbers showed up on my phone’s screen
Only 1 guy bought a fresh $5 foal
One guy
“We’re fucked” I thought
The other 5 foals got sold at $1.50
However the big majority went away in one big-ass sale
Remember the rumor going up in the forums?
Well, some kids tried it
They went to the machine and waited
But didn’t buy
They decided to come back the next day
Same day I had to come by to get rid of the old dying stock
However they discovered something
You see, price actually can go even below $0.50
If you go to a machine the same day is due for cleaning and restock you can get a foal for just $0.25
$0.25, that’s nothing
That barely covers the bulk price of the can
At this point you are basically getting the foal for free
So those kids put $15
And walked away with 60 foals
Sixty foals man…
Remember when the cheapest fluffy at launch was $10,000?
And those were the brown ones, the ones that today are only good for snake food and sold by weight
The ones in this machine could go for twice that, easily
You do the math, funny how fluffy prices plummeted
To think some people back then bought a fluffy as an investment
They got fucked in the ass after the peta fags accidentally made fluffies cheaper than hamsters
So I got rid of the 14 dead foals left in the machine
Quickest cleanup I ever done
Waited for the restock guys to show up and take the cans
I left while they were placing the new batch of foals in
I started walking back when I saw them
The kids
With the bag full of cans
They were 3 teens, one of them holding a camera
“Yo yo here be Tau-Dawg with my hommies and this is Prankin’ wit fluff!”
“What? youtubers doing pranks?”
“This shit still exists?”
Well damn, they were one of those groups of dumb kids thinking they could make money with shitty internet prank videos
This crap was already getting old when I was a kid
How many of my friends burned money trying to become a youtube star?
Even then we knew the game was rigged, that you needed to be sponsored by a media company to get anywhere
But then again if you’re a kid living in the fucking ghetto is not like you have a ton of options
So I just stood there watching them from a distance
Seeing what they’ll do with the foals
At that moment one of the kids threw a can to ‘Tau’ or whatever his name is
It had a cyan pegasus filly scared as shit
And also full of shit
Practically a baloon
At this point Tau made some dumb gangsta gesture and said some weird slang shit
“The fuck happened to swag? remember when we all said swag?” I asked myself
So Tau then looks at the camera and proceeds to open the lid
The little filly comes tumbling out of the can
“Yay nyu daddeh! daddeh hewp babbeh hav wowsest tummieh owies!”
It never ceases to surprise me how fluffies can switch from being scared as fuck to being all happy and hyper
“These things sure are dumb” I thought
Then suddently memories came flowing back, from the girl from the Beta-Team helping the foals, and the stupid shitrats just staying there…
“Yep, too dumb to live” I said to myself
“Shut up biach!” Tau screamed at the fluffy
The foal just stood paralyzed, not knowing what to say
Tau then looked around, then pointed at some old black guy waiting for the bus
“Aigh niggas watch dis!” he said to the camera
In a split-second he throwed the foal at the old guy
“EEEEEEEEEH–” SPLAT!
The mare just exploded when it touched the guy’s right shoulder
Like a baloon
But filled with shit, guts and blood instead of water
“WHA THE FOCK Y’ALL LIL’ NIGGUHS DOIN’ AHH!” screamed the old guy
He was blinded by the foal’s putrid shit
Fluffy guts hanging from his arm
“Aww sheeit nigga look at that nigga look at dat!” said one of the kids pointing at the base of the Bus stop
There was lying half of the filly
Well, 1/3 of it
Head, part of the torso and the left front leg
Rest gone, not even the wings
The kid with the camera ran to it, completely unfazed by the old guy swearing at him while trying to wipe the fluffy shit out of his face
He got really close to the foal
It was still moving, trying to breath, its lungs exposed
The filly opened its mouth and moved its eyes, like it was trying to say something
Suddenly…
CRUNCH
“You just got pwned bitch!”
Tau’s foot just destroyed the filly in one quick stomp
And all I could think was
“Seriously? “pwned” is back? fucking kids are using “pwned” again now?”
Yeah, not the worst I seen
And while that death is not as good as the neck twist I give the foals it still beats dying slowly inside a can
I guess…
So that’s what the kids kept doing
Pranking people with bloated foals
Throwing them at old people
At other kids
At cars
At the side of a building
They didn’t throw any foals to the usual gangsta thugs
These kids were downright retarded, but not THAT retarded…
They would open a can near the ground, let the foal slide out
Pet it, tell it it would get ‘sketties’
“Fank u nyu daddeh! fwuffy luvs n–” the little red unicorn colt got cut out by a swift kick
It went flying through the street, screaming all the way
Then the cork went out in mid-flight
The colt went into a spiral of shit before falling to its death
Tau and his “crew” were going nuts over it
Most likely the highlight of their video
Well I guess it was…
I didn’t stick too long after that
Didn’t see the end
Too bored of the carnage
Too bored of watching foals dying in increasingly horrible ways
Tau put a can with a gray and white earthie filly on it
Made it beg for her life while he slowly crushed the can with his feet
“NUUUH PWEASE DADDEH NU KIW FWUFFY!”
It begged
It cried
“NUH KIW FWUFFY! FWUFFY AW FO’ LUV AN’ HUGG–SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“Bitch got stranped!”
What?
‘stranped’? the fuck is that?
“Fuck it, I’m leaving”
And that was the end for me
Back home I checked youtube for Tau’s channel
Less than 100 subs
“What a fucking loser”
Even my shitty Overwatch LPs got me more subs back in the day
Man that game sucked, can’t believe they made 20 more
Even CoD didn’t get that many sequels
But hey at least the last one finally bankrupted Blizzard
Too bad EA is still around though…
You are a blue wingie colt and you were just born!
…wait, what’s happening? why you sliding down? you can hear your mummah but she can’t talk, is like something was in her mouth and all you hear are muffled screams. You slide through a cold thing until you fall.
Art by @Carpdime
You are scared but then the fall stops and you are in another cold hard thing. You can’t see anything yet because your see-pwaces are still closed but you move around looking for your mummah but then you hit a wall made of the same cold thing than the floor. You feel around looking for an exit while following the noises your mummah makes but its hard because you hear other mummahs making similar noises all around you. The cold thing you are in has no exit, is like a circle made of cold hard stuff.
Art by @Carpdime
Suddenly you feel one of the other mummahs making a sound followed by chirping and then you feel something soft and warm falling on top of you. Is another foal like you! now you are both trapped in the thing but at least you are not alone. The same happens many times, more than you can count!. Now the cold hard thing is full of foals all squirming and chirping for their mummahs.
Then you hear a loud voice, you don’t know what it is but you know its not a fluffy but something else…something that for some reason deep down you already know.
“Alright the mares in breeding pod 4 all popped their foals, take the collection jar while I clean the funnel and place a new one.”
Art by @Carpdime
“No prob, BTW check the nutrifeed levels on the tanks.”
“Sorry man that’s not my job, I only do control and pod clean-up”
“Fine I’ll do it, thanks for nothing”
“Whatever…”
You then feel the cold hard thing moving, its spinning and then a small fall. For some reason the floor is getting a bit warm, like if something on the other hand was heating it. Suddenly there’s a movement, you whole world shifts and you fall into a new thing, this soft thing is a bit cold but it gets warm more easily and at least is not hard. You feel the other foals around you as well, but the floor also smell like foals, just other foals. Is like there were foals here before, but where are them? where did they go?
“Yo Ricky here is another batch, sort them up then send them to be canned”
“Yeah duh, I know my job man”
“I’m just trying to be nice dumbass, is bad enough I’m stuck here most of my day dealing with these shitrat foals”
After the not-fluffy voice leaves you feel a thing prodding you. It’s weird, it feels like a…sowwy stick? but is not hitting you, and why you are getting a sowwy stick? you are just a widdle babbeh and you didn’t do nothing!.
“Let’s see…one blue pegasus, male, no deformities, no spots, no uneven coloration, good enough”
Then you feel the not-sowwy stick moving you to a side. You are chirping and feeling around for the other foals but find nothing. Then the voice again…
“One light green earthie, female, no deformities, no spots, no uneven coloration, good enough”
You then feel a foal quickly sliding next to you. Once again you don’t know what’s going on but at least you are not alone
“One yellow unicorn, female, no deformities…crap no tail, discard”
Suddenly you heard a loud CHIRP! followed by a sound like something hitting a hard floor followed by a faint huuhuuu. Now you are really scared, what happened with that foal?
“One pink earthie, female…great it has a spot, discard”
Art by @Carpdime
Same sound again, though this time you know you heard a SCREEEEE! from afar. The other foal with you is getting scared and hugging you. You hug it back.
“One runt, discard”
Same sound, but this time no foal sound after it. Weird
“One orange unicorn, female, no spots, no uneven coloration, good enough”
A new foal joins your group, now you are enough to make fluffpile. This makes you feel better. You hear the not-fluffy talk more and two more foals join your pile, but you also hear him throw other foals away a number of times but you can’t count that high.
“Okey-dokey time for canning, so long shitrats”
You feel the not-fluffy lifting your pile with his not-hoofsies. Then you feel as he picks you up from the pile and lets you fall into another floor that is…moving? you feel around for the other foals and while you hear incessant chirping you can’t find them. The walls aren’t moving though.
Suddenly another not-fluffy grabs you with his not-hoofsie and then you feel the worsest hurties you ever did in your poopie place. Is like you were doing poopies but the poopies are getting inside your poopie place and are now stuck there.
Art by @Carpdime
Then he lets you fall into the moving floor again, but this time you are crying and trying to hug your behind.
It is then that you feel something hard and cold grabbing you by your sides, and then fall into a new cold thingy similar to the one you were in when you were born.
Art by @Carpdime
You then heard a clanking sound and everything goes quiet. Your world moves and now you are resting on top of something soft, is it…a blankie? You crawl around it until you reach a wall that is not made of the same cold thing than the other walls, and there’s something very soft there, it smells like…miwkies?!
You found a miwkie pwace! you put your mounthie over it and start drinking the miwkies. The miwkies don’t taste very good but you are so hungry you don’t care about it. You eat until you are full and then you fall asleep on the blanket, you are so very tired from all the things that happened to you.
Then you are awaken by this loud scary sound, is like a munsta that goes VROOM-VROOM!. You hear other foals next to you crying and chirping because of the sound. You try to reach to them but the cold walls are everywhere, what’s happening? they are right next to you and you wish you could hug them and be hugged back, you wish you could be back at the fluffpile but you can’t. There’s a lot of movement in all directions you don’t know how since the floor is not moving at all, but you still keep hitting the walls and falling over for the reason.
And then it stops…and you hear two non-fluffies talk. You just figured who they are: hoomins. From the voices you guess is a hoomin stallion and a mare
“Here it is, unit-45/R, clean as a whistle”
“Yeah Jose might be a downer but he does his job well”
“You think he’s a hugbox fag?”
“Nah, no hugboxer could do this job, but its clear he rather not be killing shitrats all day. He acts all tough like it don’t matter but you can tell he’s just faking it”
“I heard he was friends with the hugbox girl, you know the one that went to jail?”
“Oh you mean the dumb chick from team-beta? she should have bought those foals or something, stupid idiot steals company property and sets it loose on the streets…”
“Yeah well lets get this over with, got 5 more units to refill before going back to the warehouse”
“Don’t forget the bag with used cans, need to get those cleaned for new shitrats”
A sudden movement, you feel its getting colder, then more movement, you hear some weird clang noises for a while, and then…everything goes quiet. You don’t hear the hoomins or the vroom-munsta anymore. All you hear are the chirping of other foals and something that make a whoosh-like sound. Fortunately the cold is gone and you feel hot air coming from some holes you feel on the walls near the side opposite to where the miwkie pwace is.
Many forevers go by where you hear a few clang noises and some faint hoomin voices together with the constant chirps and huuhuus of foals.
Then it finally happens…you open your see-pwaces. You can finally see where you are.
And its terrible…
You see you are in some kind of circular place. The blanket is more like a bed stuck to the floor and stained with your peepees and starting to smell not-pretty. Your walls let you see everything but touch nothing, you can’t understand how that’s possible. You see outside and you see tens of other foals also inside circular things with a stained bed, and now you see that the miwkie pwace is not attached to your mummah like you thought when your see-pwaces were still shut but to a thing full of miwkies. You see some foals have less miwkies than others and you put one and one together and realize you will eventually run out of food.
Next bwight-time you are now able to speak. You and many other foals are talkie-babbehs now. You need to yell really loud to get other foals to hear you but at least now you can talk with each other. It gets really boring, the highlight of every bwight-time being when a human walks towards the big housie and looks at you and the other foals. It didn’t take long to realize that you needed to impress the hoomins if you wanted a nyu daddeh or mummah that would take you out of this horrible thing.
Every day you saw other foals being selected. Some hoomins looked good, some even opened the thingy foals lived in and freed them right in front of the others. It made you happy for that foal but sad because you were still stuck inside. But it also gave you hope, hope that there will be a life outside this thing.
Many bwight-times go by, you are getting bigger. You see you know have a red tail and mane. You really want to do poopies and so do other foals but you can’t, there’s a thing in your poopie pwace that wont let you and you can’t reach it. Through your see-through walls you see a blue unicorn colt below you that managed to get the thing out, he’s making so many poopies now! it makes you envious that he no longer has poopie huwties and you do. But later on you see the same colt complaining about ‘nu smell pwetties’ and the entire floor of his circular thing is covered with liquid poopies. He can’t even lay down else he will drown in the poopies! and because he still has plenty of miwkies left he keeps making poopies and the poopies keep filling the thing. The poopies are also staining the colt’s fluff making him look brown like a poopie babbeh. Now no nyu daddeh or mummah is gonna want him. Another foals managed to get nu-poopies thing out after that, a yellow earthie filly, she had the same problems the colt did later on.
But the worse part was seeing a navy blue pegasus colt not that different from you having tummeh owies. He was so small because he didn’t get any miwkies. You saw that he had some many is the thing on the side of the circular housie but for some reason the meanie miwkie-pwace wouldn’t give him any. It didn’t open his see-pwaces until many forevers after you did and even then he couldn’t talk. All he did was sleep and chirp, he didn’t have much fluff and his bones were showing. One bwight-time it was just sleeping and it never woke up. A hot pink earthie filly was in the circular housie next to the colt, she was his sissy and looking at her bruddah having foweba sweepies made her so sad she couldn’t stop making sad wawas.
One bwight-time two hoomin mares with weird things on their faces gave meanie hurties to the big housie you were all living inside. The loud noisies scared you and the rest of the foals but you couldn’t run away so you covered your see-pwaces with your hoofsies. Then the hoomin munstas put something in the big wall and now the nyu daddehs and mummahs couldn’t see you anymore. How were you going to get a new housie with toys and nummies if they couldn’t see you? it made you so sad, but worse of all it robbed you of any hope you had left.
It wasn’t until many MANY forevers after that that you heard a hoomin tearing the thingies the munsta hoomins put in the big wall. After so much time you could finally see outside again!. Your tummeh is full of poopies and you haven’t had any miwkies since last bwight-time when you ran out like many other foals did. Then the hoomin grabs a weird jingle thing with his not-hoofsie and then…the big wall opens! he is taking all you to a new housie! you are so very happy that you call out to your nyu daddeh and so does every other foal inside the big housie.
You plead and beg your nyu daddeh to let you out of the sowwy circular housie so you can make gud poopies and have nummies. First he takes a red filly with wingies like you! she looks like she has tummeh babbehs but…she’s not moving. Her see-pwaces are open but she is not moving at all, and her fluff looks weird. Then nyu daddeh goes away with the filly and you get scared thinking he forgot to take you too!
But then he comes back…without the filly. He then takes another filly that looks like she has tummeh babbehs but is not moving, then goes away and comes back. He does the same with some colts and you don’t understand why the colts also look like they are gonna have babbehs, only giwl fwuffies can have babbehs!.
Nyu daddeh then takes the unicorn babbeh that took the poopie thing out, his housie is now full of poopies and you can’t see the colt at all except for some fluff floating in the poopies. He also takes the yellow filly that also made poopies, you can’t see her either because of all the poopies in the housie. He then takes another housie with poopies and a foweba sleepie pointy pink filly but this one doesn’t have so many poopies and you can see her. She looks so sad, her cheeks stained with sad wawas and her face just lying the the bed yellowed by peepees. Is like she just gave up.
Then he takes foweba sweepy colt that couldn’t get any miwkies. Nyu daddeh looks sad, you think he knows what happened and you want to give him huggies to make it all better but then you remember you still aren’t free yet. The pink earthie that was that colts sissy is now crying, and nyu daddeh takes her. Suddenly another foal you can’t see start screaming about sketties. You don’t know what sketties are but you know you want them and so does every other foal in the big housie because they are all screaming about it and asking nyu daddeh for sketties.
Then another foal calls nyu daddeh a dummeh, and calls himself a smawty. You feel conflicted, on one side you think you should follow that smarty foal and on the other something deep inside your brain tells you smarties are bad and they get wowest huwties. Still nyu daddeh takes the smawty and goes away with both him and the pink earthie. He takes longer this time and you wonder if you should have call yourself a smarty since apparently daddeh liked that smarty so much he never came back.
But then he did, and he started to take all the foals! even a green wingy filly with a grey mane that had derpy eyes! nyu daddeh luvs aww babbehs and will take them all to a new housie with toysies and sketti and real blankets and a safe room you can run and pway with all your bruddahs and sistahs!.
You can’t count all the foals he already took, they are so many! but then after taking a orange earthie filly and then another two foals he came back and he finally took your housie! you are so happy you start doing the dancie babbeh dance!.
The nyu daddeh opens the side of the housie where the holes are, moves the housie and you fall into his hand. Is so warm and soft and you are so happy that you stand in your rear weggies and put your weggies up to hug nyu daddeh.
Nyu daddeh then moves to the side…and you see a pwace full of trashies below you…with all the other foals from the big housie inside.
And they are not moving, playing or talking. They are…taking foweba sleepies.
You then look up and your daddeh is bringing his other not hoofsie to you and grabing your head.
And then you ask him a question…and he stops.
“Pwease mistuh nu kill babbeh!”
Great another one. My luck, get two chatty foals on the same machine. Guess that between so many foals at least a few have to be smart enough to realize what is happening, or at least quick enough to react to it.
I went to McDonalds earlier, can you believe they are doing fluffy burgers now? apparently some company that used to raise rabbits switched to fluffies and they sell earthie meat. Didn’t have enough money for a real beef burger but I could afford some chicken mcnuggets even though the price of chicken is insane thanks to megaherds breaking into chicken farms. As I waited for my meal I saw one of those NPD machines they use to make foal mcnuggets in-house. I swear I could hear the muffled babbling of foals and grinding noise. Can’t believe people are eating those, guess you can’t beat that price.
On the way here I saw a mare on the street, cars had ran her over and some of her foals too. She had her hindquarters broken and guts spilled while 2 foals where near her completely flat, one a fluffy green blotch and the other pink. I saw two stallions get near the dead mare and start eating her starting by her intestines or as feral call them “tummeh skettis”. When they did this three foals showed up, the ones that didn’t get run over. One was simply crying, the other crying as well but asking the stallions why they were eating its mother. The last one was angry, not at the stallions but at its mother because she had been hidding the sketties from him the bestest bebbeh. Is moments like these that make me wonder what the fuck is wrong with these things.
Like the traps exterminators use. Sometimes I bump into these pink plastic-bubble ones called ‘Happy Housie’ which is just a dumb fluffspeak name for whats essentially a trap for feral foals. Thing is mostly see-through except for the pink base and handle on top, all cute looking so fluffies wont be scared of it. Inside there is a small disposable packet with sketti scent as bait. What happens is some dumb mare smells it and because she can’t get through the small door on the side she sends a foal. The trick is the door only opens from the outside so once in there the foal can’t get out. The mare then sends another foal to help its sibling and that one becomes trapped as well, and on and on until all foals are inside. Then the mare pointlessly tries to get the foals out so the exterminators come to collect the trap with both mare and foals, toss them in a cage then clean the trap and replace the scent packet for the next one. They started using these since with the old ones the mare would be trapped but the foals would run away and survive to create more feral foals of their own. Of course what they didn’t consider is that many mares would simply give up and leave, specially if they get hungry. Because of that last week I stumbled upon a trap with 6 dead foals inside. A small one looked rotten and the others like they had only died recently. My guess is the shock from their mother abandoning them killed them sooner than hunger would. Truly an awful sight, not my first, and all because some exterminators can’t be arsed to check these traps more often and at least give these things a quick ending.
The shitrats are incredibly efficient at breeding, part of hasbio’s design. They breed fast sure but they also take very little resources (food) to “make” foals. If you had a mare you probably noticed it ate more during lactation to feed her foals than during actual pregnancy. I read somewhere that was because of hasbio’s Just-In-Time production policy, they wanted to churn foals out as soon as possible to sell them and let the stores or new owners deal with the feeding. Man were those assholes greedy. And cheap, I heard the original leak in Georgia was because hasbio bought their fire alarms from the cheapest bidder so they got a defective one that opened all the cages and doors in the facility and let the fluffies waddle away into the forest nearby.
Anyway, back to the present…how the hell do I save this little foal?. Keep it? I barely have enough money for me, fluffies might be cheap as hell now but they are still high-maintenance pets, except for abusers because their fluffies never last long. Point is it would be cheaper to have a dog and I can’t even afford that.
I’m tired of this dead-end job, tired of making barely above minimum wage, tired of spending every day dealing with creatures that are only born to suffer.
I need to find a way out of this, but the only skills I have are related to fluffies…
At that point I recalled that time I asked Rick about alicorns at the factory
“So they never end up in the cans?”
“Are you kidding me Jose? no fucking way that could happen. I been working here for years keeping these things alive and popping foals out, you know how many alicorns I seen being born?”
“How many?”
“3 dude, out of millions of foals. The odds are always low even with quality mares and stallions but with the insane numbers we got here its always a possibility one of these pillowed shitfactories we get for free from the shelters will pop out an alicorn and when that happens we can’t even touch the thing”
“Why?”
“Look even a brown alicorn is worth more than the average paycheck here. If it dies or gets stolen heads are gonna roll. That’s why when an alicorn its born we have to take the thing out of the breeding area and into its own room. No formula or any of that shit, it gets a pillowed eye-less tongue-less milkbag of its own, and if we don’t have any at the time we take one of the shitfactories out of the pods and make one. No way any manager would risk an alicorn getting killed or traumatized by a worthless mare calling it names.”
“So no chance of an alicorn in a can”
“No chance, zero, nada…well maybe if they automated this crap. That way I could see an alicorn ending up in a can by accident but then the guys placing the cans in the machines would have to be really dumb or just blind to miss an alicorn. They could probably take it and sell it themselves, say it died during transport or something.”
I don’t know why of all the stuff I seen at the FoalCan factory it was that I remember right now.
But it gave me an idea, an idea that could me get out of this shitty job.
However I was going to need more foals, way more. I called Lamar, he told me the feral stock around his place was still dry after the exterminators wiped them out. But he said he knew a guy who could help me. Asked me where I was and told me to wait.
Just a while later I see an old dirty van stopping nearby and a fat bald black dude with a beard stepping out.
“You Lamar’s homie?”
“Yeah?”
“Sup boi, I’m Tyrone, from Honest Tyrone’s Happy Fluffy Organic Farm”
“Riiiiight…”
“Wut? you nevah heard of me? why I’m payin’ ads for?”
[i]“Don’t know man, tons of fluffy companies out there, can’t keep track of all”
“Whatevah, so Lamar told me you takin’ any foals aight? got a bunch in the van, all returns from da stores, nobody wants these niggas. The pet food factory don’t use shitrats anymore, say they be toxic for pets and sheeit. And county now charges to take care of biowaste if its more than 2 pounds. Got like 100 pounds of foals back there, lil’shits cost more to get rid of than to buy, can you believe this shit?”
“Yeah its crazy, anyway, I’m only taking unicorns and pegasus right now, you cool with that?”
“No problemo amigo! most of these foals are those, white guy who owns a snake store bought almost all of my basics”
“Basics?”
“Them earthies, I call them that. Nigga said snakes could choke on the wings and that horns could hurt the insides and shit so he only uses dem earthie foals now.”[/i]
As he said that he walked to the back of the van while waving his hand for me to follow. He then opened the doors and I was assaulted by the smell of hundreds of foals shitting on top of what other hundreds and hundreds of foals had shat before. This guy Tyrone clearly didn’t care much for this van…
After the foals noticed us the babbling began.
“Nyu daddeh? fo’ babbeh?”
“Nee miwkies! hungwy!”
“BESTEST BABBEH WAN OUT!”
And so on…
“Right so ya got sum boxes boi? can’t give you dem cages! too expensive heh”
“Yeah I get it, got a couple carriers here, tho its for adult fluffies and-”
“That’s cool homie! just open da door…”
As he said that Tyrone pulled on one of the cages in the rack. It was full of unicorns, none in a really good color and some were already talking smarty shit in their squeeky voices. No wonder they were returns, some even looked a bit beaten up from their stay with an owner that realized what a mistake it was to buy the damn thing…
Tyrone was holding the cage at arms lenght to avoid the turds falling through the chicken wire.
“Aight, hold the carrier while I do dis…”
He then opened a door on the cage and before even one foal could try to escape he simply dumped the entire cage into my carrier as if was a trash bin. I heard the foals falling inside and hitting the plastic walls as if they were beanbags. With that came cries of ‘huwties’, could already tell some of these foals were going to be damaged but even then that could work.
What I needed intact were the pegasus, so when it was time to get those I told Tyrone to let me try something else. I put the carrier in the floor and placed the pegasus cage right infront of it.
I approached the cage to speak to the foals inside, needless to say they were scared. Being put all together inside the tiny cage many were standing on top of other foals below them.
“Huuu!”
“Scawy!”
“Wewe mummah Sammy?”
“Hey fluffies! there is sketti inside this box here! who wants some?”
Like mentioning rocks to a crackhead, they all started screaming the moment I said sketty.
“SKETTY? WEWE?!”
“BABBEH WAN SKETTIES!”
“NU! AWW SKETTIES AM FO SMAWTY! ODDA BABBEHS NUM POOPIES!”
As I opened the cage they all rushed inside of the other cage. Its funny sometimes how dumb they are. Any other animal would have approached cautiously, moving slowly trying to see/smell if there was any food inside. Not fluffies, they don’t think, and even less do foals whose brains are even less developed. The first wave started asking for sketti as the second wave hit them and asked the same. The ones behind just kept rushing inside as they heard the magical word and only preventing the ones who realized it was a trap from being able to escape. Not that they would be able to really given that they waddle away at like 2km/h.
“Aight nigga, gotta bounce”
“Right, thanks Tyrone”
“Thank you fam, dem shitrats were costing me money. If you need more shitty foals just give me a call, same numbah you see on the side of my ride”
And with that Tyrone went back inside the van and left. I grabbed the carriers. Lucky for me FoalCan carriers had wheels though I would’ve to lift the things when I got to my place.
When I finally get there I leave the foals near the door and open a window so I wont choke to death from the smell. I pick up a used noodle cup from the trash and leave the blue pegasus colt inside.
“Um…wu is dis mistuh? babbeh smeww sumthin…ITS SKETTIES!”
As it says that he starts licking the sauce stains from the styrofoam walls.
I go look for a box, its got supplies I get for free from FoalCan.
Then I get some tools including my dremel drill. I’ll need it to get the parts from the foals and to attach them to other foals.
A while ago I read in the FluffWiki that Hasbio planned to offer some kind of fluffy repair service. Of course this was back when the things were worth $10k so of course people wanted a service like that given what a new one would cost. My guess is that actually breeding the fluffies must have been really cheap for Hasbio to simple make new ones just for spare parts.
The point is that that’s the reason why any fluffy can donate organs and tissue to any other fluffy, else I guess Hasbio would’ve had to clone the broken fluffy instead of just getting a new leg or a new ear from another fluffy with the same color, and that would be crazy expensive.
I open the box with the main component needed for this, well besides the fluffies. A FlufCo™ Miwacwe-Fix(R) squeeze tube. Its basically a gel full of fluffy stem cells. I check the ingredients label, its just one thing:
“MADE WITH 100% LIQUIFIED PRENATAL FOALS”
So basically they force mares to abort then take the fluff-less early term foals and blend them alive to get their stem cells. This gel is used to re-attach fluffy bodyparts, glue cuts shut, fill gaps and basically fix most of the shit that happens to fluffies for being so retarded all the time. More than a few abusers swear by this thing saying it brought their beloved punchbags back from the dead, and FoalCan uses it all the time to fix mares and stallions so they can keep making foals.
So if it can keep a fluffy that can’t scream because it has no mouth anymore alive it should be more than enough for what I plan to do.
I made some foal-sized leg holders out of cardboard, same shape than the ones used to pillow fluffies. Foals are really weak so even cardboard can restrain them.
So, it begins…
I go to the carriers and look for a pegasus and a unicorn.
Gender don’t matter, only color does.
I pick a pink pegasus filly and a pink unicorn colt. A bad color for a colt, no wonder it was worthless.
“Nyu daddeh? fo fiwwy?”
“Daddeh! fwuffy hav daddeh!” squeaked the colt
Like at the can machine I avoid talking to them, its better this way.
I take them to my kitchen and give them a quick wash with antibacterial soap to avoid infections.
They HATED it, crying and bitching during all 30 seconds each, as expected.
I dry them with a towel
“Babbeh smeww pweatty nao! fanks daddeh!”
…and they forget everything, no surprise there.
I place them both on the holders.
“Y babbeh can’t move weggies?”
No anesthetic, adults can’t handle it most of the time and it would kill a foal for sure.
I get my dremel from its case and put some safety googles on. As I plug it in and give it a spin to test if it still works…
RIZZZZZZZ
“LOUD NOISIE!”
“HUUUU! BABBEH SCAWED!”
…the foals shat themselves.
“Fuck, forgot to squeeze them…”
Don’t matter, the part I need to operate on is still clean.
I bring the drill bit to the head of the colt then grab its neck and nape with my fist to keep it from moving.
“D-daddeh? is dis huggies?”
RIZZZZZZZ
I start the dremel and both foals shit themselves again. Just how much shit can these things hold?
“EEEEEEE! NUUUUU!” screams the colt
I start cutting a diamond pattern around the horn.
“SCREEEEEE! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
I need to be careful, I can’t damage the brain else it might die. Fluffy tissues degrade really fast and I need it fresh for the transplant.
RIZZZZZZZ
“EEEEEEEEEEE! CHIRP CHIRP!”
“Done, now the filly…”
I move to the side and start working on the filly, I need to cut a hole on its head the exact same size of the colt’s.
“NUUU! DADDEH PWEASE NU BUZZY STICK! FIWWY BE GUD BABBEH! NO MAKE BAD POOPIES NU MOWE!”
“This is not about that, fluffy…” I say as I hold her head still.
RIZZZZZZZ
“EEEEEEEEEE!”
I start cutting on the same pattern from before
“Slow and steady…”
When suddenly my elbow slips on the table
“Shit!”
CRACK
CRACK
CRACK
“REEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEERRRRRRRGGGHHHH…”
The drill broke into the filly’s skull and scrambled her brain sending pieces of cartilagous bone and grey matter everywhere.
“Fuck! now I need another one…”
I move quickly to the carrier for a new pink pegasus. No luck, I find three other pink ones but they are all different shades of pink from the colt and the filly.
It don’t matter: as I get to the table I see the colt bleed to death. I throw both shitrats into the trash and go looking for a new pair of foals.
It is then when looking at the carrier with unicorns that I see it.
Its a blue filly, the exact same shade of blue than the blue pegasus foal from the machine.
“Well guess the survivor is next” I say as I go to my kitchen to retrieve it from the cup.
“Let’s see if its luck stays the same…”
I grab the cup and see the foal shat itself, thank god I didn’t put in a bowl or something.
“Huuuu! sowwy fo’ poopies mistuh! babbeh scawed fwom noisies”
I grab it and give it a bath together with the filly, dry them and put them into the holders.
As I’m about to try again the colt starts with the questions again.
“Huuuhuuu, why weggies nu move? wa mistuh doin with fwuffies?”
I guess I might as well give it an explanation.
“I’m turning you into an alicorn, that way you’ll be worth something and I can quit my awful job for good”
Oh did I forgot to mention my plan? in a nutshell it’s just that: I plan to make fake alicorns and sell them. The way things are now you need tons of money to set up a profitable fluffy bredding operation. Prices are lower than ever so you need to move a lot of shitrats, that’s why most small breeders went bankrupt.
But alicorns are an order of magnitude more expensive than any other fluffy even designer models.
And even if I sell them for less than market price since they have no papers I can still make a nice profit, enough to quit FoalCan and leave that awful place forever.
“Awicown? wa dat?”
“It’s a…what’s the term?..pointy-wingie babbeh”
“MUNSTAH!” screams the filly
“MUNSTAH BABBEH!”
“Huu! babbeh nu wan be munstah!” says the colt
“Look at it this way: you were a cheap-ass bloated foal nobody wanted living inside a dingy plastic can at the very end of your shelf-life. When I got there I was about to kill you just so some company could re-use your can to house another foal which would most likely also die in that can either at my hands or by some other reason but end in the trash anyway when it was its turn to hand over the can to the next foal. But after this you’ll become a special fluffy, the most special kind. People who would otherwise just stomp you flat without a care in the world will pay good money to buy you, give you all the sketties and toys you could possibly want and care for you for the rest of your life. That’s as good as it could ever get fluffy.”
“Huuu, otay mista, babbeh unastans…”
I know it didn’t, but I don’t care and proceed with the operation.
RIZZZZZZZ
“EEEEEEEEEE!” screams the filly as I drill around its horn.
The colt is closing its eyes shut trying to look away as tears fall around its tiny cheeks.
When its done I move to the colt. It stays quiet but when the drill bit starts cutting through its flesh the screaming starts.
“SCREEEEEEEEE! REEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“And done! now lets see if this works…”
I grab some tweezers and peel the diamond shape skin from the colt’s head. It comes out exposing the skull.
Here comes the tricky part: I need to drill a tiny hole into the colt’s skull so the horn can attach.
RIZZZZZZZ
“EEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEE! CHIRP! NUUUUUU!”
I carefully remove the bits of bone dust and turn to the filly.
“…da-daddeh? fiwwy nu feel gud…nee huggies”
Still concious, but no time to lose.
With the tweezers I lift the skin around the horn of the filly then use an exacto knife to separate the root of the horn from the skull bone.
“Wu wat? wa daddeh doin-SCREEEEEEEEEE! REEEEEEEEEEEEE! HUWT! HUWTIES! EEEEEEE!”
No need to be careful now, the filly is done for. All it matters now is the pegasus.
CRICK CRACK
“And its off!” I say while holding the tiny blue horn with my fingers.
“Plbt? duddy?”
“Huh, guess I derped it”
I move away from the filly and back to the colt. With the foal stem cell tube in hand I apply gel to the back of the horn and on the open wound in the colt’s head.
“Chirp…mistuh…?” Says the colt, really drowsy from the blood loss and head trauma.
“Don’t move, its almost over”
The horn fits perfectly, I align the skin flaps and use rubber bands to keep it all in place since tape could tear the fluff off. The gel really does wonders, it stopped the bleeding almost instantly and I can already see some scar tissue around the seams.
Still it will take several hours for the horn to fuse with the skull so I place the colt in a cardboard stock I made to restrain its head and front hoofs so it wont be able to touch its head or the horn. Looks like those medieval stocks you see at the movies, just made of cardboard and tape instead of wood and steel.
The foal stays there, eyes shut. Guess he pain knocked it out.
I pick the barely alive derped filly from the holder and throw it in the trash. It lands on top of the two dead pink foals from before.
I take a break and go play the new Sonic X-treme Ultra ZZ (man they really are running out of names…) that came out last week while I wait to see if the colt makes it.
A while later I hear it.
“Huuu! head huwties!..mistuh?” says the blue colt from the can machine as it wakes up hours after the operation.
“Alright let’s see if it worked”
“Wa? why babbeh cant move headsie?”
I remove the bands and take a look: the scar tissue its fully healed and there’s even some fluff growing over it.
I gently touch the horn then apply some pressure to see if it stays in place.
“Huh? whewe daddeh touchin babbeh? wa dat?”
Seems the nerve endings work too, it might even be able to do bioluminescence tricks like some unicorns can. Because it never had a horn it doesn’t understands what’s going on but I’m sure it’ll get used to it.
I take it out of the stock and put in inside a box with some newspapers and a handful of soft foal kibble.
“Nummies! fank u mistuh!”
“Well at least its not traumatized…”
“Alright one done, lets see…well a shit-ton to go I guess” I say as I look at the carriers full of foals.
And so I go for hours operating on the foals to turn them into alicorns. Not all make it, some still had weak bones and died like the filly, their brains turned to mush. Others died during the procedure like that pink colt, fluffies have zero endurance.
Some were injured due to shipping and Tyrone not giving a fuck. The unicorns I don’t care much if they have broken legs or ribs but a coupled had broken horns and others died, suffocated under the pile of other foals.
“Useless” I say as I dispose of them.
“Huuu! why babbeh in trashies? weggies huwt! nee huggies daddeh pwase!”
Still I get a decent bunch of fake-alicorns, almost 50.
The ones I find no match for are a problem. Can’t keep them around until I get more foals, I don’t have the space for that.
But them I got an idea…
I seen some rare alicorns where the horn was the color of the mane and not of the fluff. Because I had this red pegasus colt with a white mane and no red unicorns of the same shade I used a white unicorn filly instead. After drilling the filly’s horn out while it screamed to death I drilled a hole on the pegasus colt, added a bunch of gel and implanted the thing.
Boom! premium red pegasus alicorn with a white horn and mane!.
Did the same with 5 others, best one is a blue filly with yellow mane and horn. That horn came from a yellow smarty unicorn colt. Needless to say it kept its smarty bullshit going through the whole thing. I hope the “smartyness” wont pass to the filly…
After all foals are done I get to the next part: fixing and spaying them.
Because they are fake alicorns I can’t risk them being breed, after all the buyers might find out they are replicas after no alicorn foals come out no matter how many times they try and breed them.
It’s okay though, many alicorns are sold sterile since alicorn ranchs don’t want any competition. If you want a fertile alicorn for breeding you have to pay extra.
So after a couple hours cutting balls with nail clippers and searing vulvas with acid-drenched swabs they are all done.
“Time to get paid”
I sell them on ebay and amazon. Since the replicas have no papers and were fixed I couldn’t ask for as much as a fertile alicorn with pedigree. Still I usually sold them for 20%-25% less than the usual market price. Not a huge discount because then people would realize something is fishy about these “alicorns”.
I ship them by FedEx or by Amazon drone from the roof of my building.
Whenever someone realized it wasn’t a real alicorn or the horn fell out I simply changed account names. Sometimes I would get an angry email from someone who found the tiny scars around the horn and realized it was a fake, but they were always cheap ass scalpers who bought the replicas to resell them at higher prices. That what they get for speculating instead of paying the full price.
Now I’m no hugfag but at the same time I don’t like what happens to most fluffy foals which are not bought because they aren’t “special”. I don’t loose any sleep over the shallow idiots who buy my replicas thinking its the real deal for these are the same people who buy fluffies as decoration, living accessories to flaunt around town only to discard them when the colors aren’t fashionable anymore leaving the thing to slowly die on the streets or add to the growing feral problem. My sister had a “poopie” brown earthie she rescued from the streets as a famished foal. Its name was Lily and it had excellent behavior, never asked for anything and was always happy just to be around. It was a better pet than her old cranky tabby cat Maury even though Lily was a living plushie toy created by a now defunct megacorp and not a real animal like cats are. She died from old age but was the best fluffy I ever saw.
Most of my customers never realized they had a replica and not the real thing. They were really happy with their ‘bargain of a century’ alicorn and would even send me pictures of the fluffies in their new homes. One of those was the blue pegasus colt I almost disposed of near that filthy FoalCan machine.
I saw the pics, it was stacking blockies in a safe room happier than a kid in a candy shop. That little guy won the lottery, unlike the blue unicorn filly from which its horn came from. That one is probably rotting on a landfill somewhere, or became a racoon’s dinner.
Whenever I needed more foals I would call Tyrone who would give me them for free or at a deep a discount. But most of the time I got the foals out of the same machines I used to work in.
Remember back when I talked about the variable pricing thing?. Yep: I would wait for the same foals-in-a-can that sold for $5 dropped to just $0.25 riiiight before the cleanup and refill. Just bought all the foals in machine for less than $20 bucks.
Fuck FoalCan Inc, and besides I’m giving dying forgotten foals a chance to live.
Many wont make it, but some will.
The End
