Vaporwave and the Creep
(Meeting of a Tombola Prize and a Shitpost)
In the world of celebrities, fluffies weren’t unusual. After all, they were a fad pet that soon became commonplace; many celebrities picked one up out of genuine love, trend reasons, or as a PR move. And many of those celebrities decided to bring their fluffy with them to photoshoots and interviews.
Something much rarer was when a fluffy became a celebrity by itself. Most fluffies could be replaced by someone else with the same coat and perhaps a fake appendage, but there were those lucky few who were born in the right hands at the right time, with looks or personalities that were unique, impossible to find or raise substitutes for. The lucky few who were, in a word, irreplaceable.
Vaporwave belonged to the second category. His coat was a splashed blend of blue, purple and orange, and his mane a silky stream that slowly faded from orange to yellow. His eyes were such a pure white they almost seemed to be glowing. He was the perfect fluffy for the lo-fi and aesthetic; a popular choice for album covers and promotional materials and posters alike.
He lived a life many would only dream of, kept in a large and lavish saferoom with a vaporwave theme. (This, too, was a popular shooting location, though his handlers ensured it never became too much for him.) Anything he asked for, he would get … almost.
You see, Vaporwave was lonely. The closest he had to company was the flat plastic palm trees stood against the walls; not even a stuffy friend was allowed as it would clash with his carefully picked-out aesthetic. And another fluffy or Fluff-TV was right out - Vaporwave had a calm and gentle personality, and his handlers worried that having another fluffy or TV around would negatively impact him. If he became a smarty or baby-crazed, that was it, he was ruined.
So whenever he wasn’t in the public eye or doing photoshoots, Vaporwave sat there in his lavish saferoom with his lavish food, and tried not to be lonely until the next job.
On the other end of this equation, far from a life of luxury, was Creep. Once he had been a simple street pegasus; his bright red fur and cyan mane had been pretty, but nothing unique. After volunteering for several bouts of animal testing in exchange for food though, ‘unique’ was the kindest thing you could call him - he gained a mechanical horn, eyes with vastly different colors, and a mane like a pride parade punk rocker. He also gained an addiction to fourteen different prescription drugs, with a hankering for a fifteenth.
It was here that Creep got his name - approached by an alicorn with a wobbly gait and mis-matched eyes that kept asking for drugs, “creep” was one of the most common things he was called. Adopting this as his official name and introducing himself as “Creep” did not improve matters.
So he wandered the streets, looking for a quick fix of something old or new, scaring off people and fluffies alike.
Even a drug-addicted street fluffy could catch wind of celebrity gossip though, and the most popular celebrity gossip was of course… Drugs. Every celebrity worth their salt had been rumored to take drugs, whether true or false, and once Creep caught wind of this he formed an idea.
Not to become a celebrity, though you’d be forgiven for thinking that. No, his idea was to break into a celebrity’s house and ask for their drugs directly.
So it was that these two very different fluffies, Vaporwave and Creep, came to meet. Vaporwave lay in his lavish bed and felt sorry for himself when the huge cooling vent on the wall began making a whole lot of noise, then popped open as a crazy-colorful, dirty and tangled fluffy burst out and promptly tumbled onto the padded floor.
“Uh…” Vaporwave started then stopped, staring blankly at the newcomer.
“Hayyy,” drawled Creep as he heaved himself to a sit, eyes rolling around his more-or-less empty skull.
Vaporwave struggled for a response as the intruder recovered. He had not spoken to another fluffy in private before, but he tried his best. “Wh… Who am yu? Am Vapo’wave.”
“Am Cweep,” grinned the street fluffy, finally shaking off his dizziness. Vaporwave scooted back a step. “… Hay, yu got any dwugs?”
“… What… am a dwug?” Vaporwave scooted back further. This time Creep followed, wide-eyed and puzzled.
“Yu nu know what dwugs am?” he asked, trying his best to focus on Vaporwave. “Dwugs am weawwy gud, an’ fun. Cweep wikes dwugs.”
“Vapo’wave… nu heaw dat wowd befowe…? Am dwug a toysie?”
Creep’s mis-matched eyes lit up and he grinned. “Dwugs am foodsies! Am weaw gud foodsies, Cweep an’ Vape’wave gu fin’ dwugs togethew!”
With that declared, already having decided that Vaporwave would be his partner in crime for robbing another celebrity of their drugs, Creep unevenly trotted back to the vent system. He waved his wings and put his hooves on the wall, but the vent sat too high up on the wall for a fluffy to get in. After several long seconds of wing-flapping and stretching, Creep turned back to his new friend. “Hay, yu haf exit?”
“Uhm,” said Vaporwave, whose few ideas on what to do were growing fewer by the second. “Can… ask hooman… fow dwugs?”
Creep gasped so loudly that he gave himself a coughing attack. “Yu can do dat?! Yush! Git hooman dwugs!”
Carefully, as though he’d somehow fall on a tripwire and trigger an alarm, Vaporwave stepped over to his patented Human-Summoning Button (a regular buzzer by the door) and pushed it down with a hoof. Creep sprang to his side and shoved his nose into the buzzer, yelling as loud as he could. “Gif dwugs pwease!!”
Vaporwave recoiled. “Hoomans nu heaw thwu dat, nee’ open doow tu heaw!”
“Oh, otay.” Creep looked around. “Whewe doow?”
Frowning, Vaporwave walked to a specific spot on the floor and sat down, facing the wall. The door was hidden by the wall decor, and he already suspected Creep would just go yell at the door and get thwacked once it opened if he told the stray where to look. Confused, Creep followed suit and plopped down next to Vaporwave, looking at the wall with his head tilted sideways.
It didn’t take long for the door to open, splitting the seemingly solid wall apart, and there stood one of Vaporwave’s handlers, tired and ready to provide whatever the fluffy asked for. “Okay, Vaporwave, what do you wa–”
She stared at Creep, then at the open vent. “… Oh God.” Suddenly wide awake, she looked around the room for any other problems and ran her hands across her face. “Okay that’s bad, this is bad, I told them not to have vents openable by fluffies, they worried about Vaporwave getting stuck in there and now a stray’s gotten in–”
At a loss for words, Vaporwave did all he could think of and pointed a hoof to the new fluffy (whose request for drugs was drowned out by the handler’s worrying). “Dis am Cweep.”
“Yes hun, I see that, let me just… I’ll just remove him and then I’ll deal with what you wanted, okay? Okay.”
It was now that Vaporwave realized a few things. One: Creep was the closest thing he’d ever had to a non-work friend. Two: He was not allowed friends. Three: His handler was going to get rid of Creep and he would never see him again.
The human was already reaching for Creep, who sat dumbly in the belief he’d be taken to the magical land of drugs, and Vaporwave had no time to convince either one. So he did the first thing he could think of and hooked his hooves around Creep’s neck, hugging the street fluffy close. “Pwease nu take Cweep, am Vapo’wave’s fwen!”
“Cweep am?” asked Creep, determined to undermine this statement.
“You can’t have friends,” explained his handler. “Remember? Fluffies wouldn’t like you, you have so many colors and such bright eyes, they think you’re scary and we don’t want you to be hurt.”
“Bu’ Cweep nu cawes about dat!” Vaporwave shot back. “Aww Cweep wants is dwugs!”
“Yu gif dwugs?” Creep added expectantly.
“God, but- well that’s …” The human made a weird sound, grasping at her hair. “Okay, I… Listen but he’s dirty and…”
“Pweaaase,” whined Vaporwave. “Pwease wet Vapo’wave haf fwen! Pwease!”
“… Pwease gif dwugs?” added Creep again, whose one-track mind was slowly adapting to the change in circumstance. “An’ fwen. Cweep wikes fwen. An’ dwugs.”
“Let me ask the others,” sighed the handler. “Just, hang on.”
[Mary: Guys, problem. A feral broke into Vaporwave’s room and now he wants to keep him as a friend.]
Mary waited anxiously as she leaned on the wall, staring at her phone. At once the chat lit up with “[name] is replying” messages, but the few seconds before one posted felt like years.
[Marcus: Was Vaporwave okay?]
[Tink: is it brown? if its purple or something we could get away with it]
Letting out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, Mary tapped a new response.
[Mary: He seems fine, and it’s … Got A Lot of colors. Hang on, let me get a picture.]
[Marcus: Worried about diseases. Did you remove it?]
She leaned back into the room where Vaporwave and Creep sat and snapped a photo, forwarding it to the chat.
[Tink: Jesus! what’s wrong with it?]
[Loka: Priority one is to gWOAH]
[Marcus: Is that what it looks like??]
[Mary: It keeps asking for drugs, what do I do? I think it taught Vaporwave about drugs.]
A debate ensued; clearly, they couldn’t let their star get addicted to anything bad. It was clear that Creep was an addict to something, though, so they couldn’t bank on Vaporwave not knowing what a drug was either. Tink and Marcus wanted to get rid of Creep as quick as possible and console Vaporwave after with a fake story, but surprisingly, Loka had other ideas.
[Loka: I actually really love his look]
[Loka: He’s like a really messed up polka punk or candy metal mascot]
[Tink: are those real genres?]
[Loka: Just saying, I bet experimental hardcore bands would love him]
[Loka: Let’s just give him a chance?? We need a backup if Vaporwave needs a break anyway]
[Marcus: We have no idea what his personality is, he could be a smarty and ruin his shoots instantly. Do you want to risk that?]
[Mary: His personality is “druggie”. I don’t think his brain fits more than one thought and that thought is “drugs”.]
[Loka: So let’s give him a chance! I think he’d be good]
[Tink: well I guess that’s fine, I mean we could just get him a drug like weed and say he gets it if he does the shoot well]
[Marcus: … Alright, but if it goes wrong it’s on your head, Loka.]
[Loka: OK]
[Loka: But if it does go wrong I wanna adopt him]
Mary pocketed the phone and stepped back into the saferoom, where Vaporwave was snuggling Creep as though it was the last physical contact he’d ever get. Crouching, she looked at the two fluffies. “Hey, uh, Creep? Right?” She took a deep breath before continuing. “… What kind of drugs do you want?”
“Dwugs,” said Creep, mis-matched gaze lighting up in an instant. “Cweep wan aww dwugs!”
“Yes, but can you name any?”
The question clearly bounced around in the fluffy’s brain a few times before he even tried to answer, drawing out his words. “Hewo… pwofywo… hewoxofinh… Aspwin!” He grinned wide as he managed to pronounce one. “Aspwin am gud dwug! An’ weed!”
Oh. Normal over-the-counter drugs and marijuana? That was way less horrific than she’d expected. “Alright, so if I get you some uh… drugs… You’ll wait here and be nice to Vaporwave?”
“Cweep do any-fin fow dwugs!” agreed Creep, slamming his hooves around Vaporwave’s gut in a less than graceful attempt at a hug. “Wuvs dwugs an’ fwen.”
Despite herself, Mary smiled. Sure, this was a mess and a half, and sure Vaporwave would no longer be protected against all the knowledge of the outside world… But their precious celebrity fluffy looked absolutely, adoringly happy for the first time since she’d started working there, and that was enough for her to side with Loka on this one. Snapping another picture of the duo, she stood up and walked off, sending it to her co-workers as she went.
May as well get some aspirin.
