Hello fellow fluffherders! My editor just got out of prison from a three month sentence for grand mopery with intent to gawk, and was amazed to find that the Fluffy community had found a new home. So we thought we would start by sharing some of my old columns here - starting with this classic!
ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 1
Good day fluffherders! It’s time for the inaugural edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just comment here!
Our first question comes from Abuser in Albany, who writes:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
We recently switched to eating fluffy from eating beef because fluffy is more economical. One thing we miss is grilling steaks. My husband and I loved to grill 8oz steaks outdoors, and it’s hard to find a cut of fluffy that is that big or that matches the texture and flavor of steak. What should we do?
Signed, Abuser in Albany
Well AiA, some background is required here. A cow, properly slaughtered, is divided into two sides of beef. The steak usually comes from the sirloin area, which is on the top side of the beef, towards the back of the cow, away from the legs, and below the ribs. That’s where we get the short loin, the sirloin, the top sirloin, and the tenderloin. Further up we get the ribs, which is where some of the best cuts of beef, the prime rib, come from. There are literally many pounds of such meat in one side of beef.
Meanwhile, a side of fluffy meat might be no more than a pound to a pound and a half. Most “fluffy steaks” are the the top and back half of the entire side. On a cow, this would be the equivalent of the short loin, sirloin, top sirloin, bottom sirloin, tenderloin, round, flank and shank, combined. On a fluffy, you get a piece of meat with all these consistencies, weighing 8-12 ounces.
Since you want a piece of meat that is more like beef steak, my suggestion is to ask for the loin of the fluffy steak. This is removes the fattier and tougher round, flank and shank, and leaves you with a leaner, ~6oz portion of meat. It’s pricier (per ounce) than the entire steak but still cheaper than a beef steak of the same quality.
That said, you and your husband might want to try going in the other direction, and experiment with grilling the entire side! This gives you 16-24 oz of meat from steak to shank, including ribs, for about a third the price of an 8oz beef steak. A butcher will often sell you the entire side for a little more than the cost of the 6 oz loin! It’s a lot of meat, which is perfect for a big American feast!
Our next question comes from Tired Of Replacing Knives, who writes:
Dear FluffiesAreFood,
We recently started raising and slaughtering my own fluffies. My partner and I made a commitment to sustainable, locovore living, and it doesn’t get much more sustainable and locovore than growing your own meat! My question is about the slaughtering process. When we cut the throat, our knife seems to hit something, which chips the steel and makes the knife less suitable for the next slaughter. I wonder whether we are hitting the trachea or the spine, or some other hard mass that could be doing this? What would you suggest we do?
Thanks,
Tired Of Replacing Knives in Pittburgh
First of all, TORKP, congratulations on your choice to take up fluffherding! Fluffies are adorable, easy to raise, and will provide you with plenty of meat, fur, and fluffy by-products for years to come.
To review, when you cut the throat of the fluffy, your goals are threefold:
- Sever the coratid arteries. Eventually the heart will pump out enough blood that the fluffy dies in less than 90 seconds. In particular, you want to make sure to sever the inner coratid arteries, as this is the brain’s blood supply. If you sever these, the fluffy will be unconscious within seconds, and any screaming or struggling will therefore be brief.
- Sever the trachea below the larynx. Contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t necessarily make it harder for the fluffy to breathe; however, it does make it impossible for the fluffy to yell, scream, and complain, which will make your experience as a fluffherder more enjoyable.
- Sever the jugular veins. These blood vessels bring blood out of the head, and severing them will drain blood from the brain more quickly, shortening the fluffy’s suffering.
The best way to do this is with a single stroke from below the fluffy’s ear, under the trachea, to under the other ear, at least two inches deep. With practice this can be done with a very sharp knife in one stroke, and the fluffy will feel barely any pain.
Now, my guess is that the knife stroke is not going close enough to the body of the fluffy and is hitting the larynx. Ideally you want the knife to pass just above the collar bones on its way to the other ear. You should hear a brief whistling sound as the knife passes through the trachea. If it gets caught at the trachea, then you know you’re hitting the larynx, and you need to go lower. You can also tell because the fluffy will continue screaming bloody murder and crying for help if the voice box still receives air.
It is also possible that you might be hitting bone, and the only bone in the neck is the spinal cord. You shouldn’t be hitting that unless you are practically decapitating the fluffy. While decapitation will certainly kill the fluffy, it does more damage to the valuable fur than is necessary.
For more information, check out the instructional videos provided by the Fluffherders’ Association of America.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.
