ASK FLUFFIESAREFOOD
Volume 1 Number 12
Fans of FluffiesAreFood may remember this as the first of the Il Club Fluffy stories. If that’s you, then enjoy this repost!
Happy Tuesday fluffherders! It’s time for another edition of Ask FluffiesAreFood, the advice column that seeks to answer questions of fluffherders and fluffy eaters everywhere! If you have a question, just ask in the comments!
Anoymous asks:
What of the stories I hear about eating fluffies alive? Usually, of course, these stories involve foals, but there are some people who say that many more ah…traditional hunters enjoy eating adults who are screaming at them to stop and even vid themselves cutting babbehs from their mothers and recording their anguished pleas until they eat the mummah herself. Have you heard of this?
Great question, anonymous! This is another fluffy dining method that goes back to pre-fracturing America, when the only people who ate fluffies were psychopaths that did so as a means of torture, or for similar reasons. Today, of course, fluffy eating is a common and accepted practice, and almost nobody eats fluffies alive. But you will still find fluffy diners who appreciate the decadence of eating fluffies in a way that maximizes cruelty for cruelty’s sake.
Take the example of Il Club Fluffy, which, like many things in post-fracturing New York City, was an Italian-themed restaurant run by Irish-Americans catering almost exclusively to Russian bankers and stockbrokers. From shortly after the start of the cease fire to its closing in 2070, it specalized in lavish Fluffy recipes that often included either eating live fluffies or eating fluffies in front of their parents or children. Patrons would dine in private rooms while the screams and cries of their victims or victims’ family filled their ears.
For the wealthy patrons of Il Club Fluffy, the ultimate dining experience was I neonati mangiano mentre la madre vede. For $5 million Eastern United States dollars (equivalent to $5000 in Western United States or Confederate currency), diners would have the privilege of butchering, cooking, and eating newborn foals as soon as they came out of the mother’s womb, while the mother watched in horror. The experience, scheduled once a month, would take an entire evening, and started with the head chef training the patrons on how to easily gut, cook alive, and then eat a foal. Once the diners were trained, had signed a waiver, and had put on hearing protection to dull the screams down to loud but acceptable levels, each patron or couple would be seated at a large round table with rare 19th century china and gold-plated silverware, and presented with a legboarded, pregnant fluffy in the throes of induced labor. The fluffy, which was voided and plugged beforehand, would face each diner cunt-first, their eyes pinned open to watch a video screen. The screen would show images, recorded from three small cameras, of the fluffy’s vaginal opening, the diners faces as they ate, and the cooking station.
Diners would take each foal as it was born, remove the umbilical cord, gut the chirpie alive, flavor it from a selection of herbs and spices and other food items, and then fry it in a mix of extra-virgin olive oil and salted cow butter. The mother would be forced to watch every cut, flavoring, sizzle, scream, and bite. Of course she would scream pleas and abuse, and rock the legboard, and beg her foals to stay in her womb, but all to no avail. She would be utterly helpless to do anything but watch while the patrons snatched each foal right out of her birth canal, butchered it, cooked it, and ate it.
Once each mother finished giving birth, patrons would then draw out and eat the afterbirth. As a final act, each patron would be given the option to slit the throat of the mother with a very sharp knife. Almost every diner did so, as a matter of tradition. Diners would finish the meal in another room, where they dined on a desert of chocolate mousse and espresso, while the chefs butchered the mummas. As they departed, each diner would take home the meat from their mummas, and the video and audio recordings of the proceedings.
As with any cultural establshment, Il Club Fluffy’s star eventually had to fall. The collapse of the Russian Bloc economy in the late 2060s made such extravagances unaffordable, and so the customer base of Il Club Fluffy shrank away. The last serving of I neonati mangiano mentre la madre vede, in April 2070, had only four customers, an oligarch and his three female escorts, and involved only one mumma. The next morning, the oligarch and his escorts ate the mumma meat, and then the oligarch shot and killed all three of the escorts before committing suicide. He was bankrupt, and wanted to go out after reliving his golden years once more. Il Club Fluffy closed a week later, unable to recover from the cloud of scandal.
Today, you can relive some of the decadence of Il Club Fluffy by taking home live chirpies from the butcher. There are several recipes for live-cooked fluffies in my book, The Art of Cooking Fluffies, available from the Fluffherders Association of America website. My personal favorite is below:
LIVE PAN FRIED CHIRPIES
EQUIPMENT
Ceramic-coated non-stick frying pan
Fluffy scalpel
INGREDIENTS
1 dozen live chirpies
1 tablespoon extra virgin olive oil
1 tablespoon cow butter
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 shallot, minced
Sea salt
Black pepper
Cheap vodka
DIRECTIONS
Heat olive oil and butter in pan on medium-low heat, until the butter melts.
Pick up your first chirpie. Void with a q-tip dipped in lukewarm water, rubbing the q-tip against the anus. Clean the area with a paper towel soaked in vodka.
Cut the chirpie with the scalpel, starting by cutting around the anus and genitals, then making a cut from over the genitals to below the rib cage. Use a pinkie finger to push the guts and genitals out.
Wash the cavity with vodka.
Fill the empty cavity with minced garlic and shallot.
Place the chirpie spine-up in the oil and butter. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.
Then move on to the next chirpie.
Let each chirpie cook until it stops screaming. Turn over to let the skin brown.
Let drain on a paper towel. Serve hot.
Servings: 4
Recommended pairings: rice pilaf or risoto, white wine, steamed zucchini.
Warning: chirpies can scream LOUDLY. Wear at least 20 decibels worth of hearing protection while cooking live chirpies. Do not cook live chirpies while other fluffies are in earshot. They will attempt to rescue the chirpies.
Ask FluffiesAreFood is a service of the Fluffherders’ Association of America. If you have a question about raising, slaughtering, or eating of fluffies, you may comment here.